Mehhh!

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

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