4 months on!

So it has been 4 months since my last post. I had almost forgot about my blog, maybe I tried to forget everything that was in it. In denial… telling myself ‘that didn’t happen’ kind of situation.

But I am now truly in a place where I want to reach out to other women who may have battled with domestic abuse like me or maybe others who are currently going through it. I know I still am.

My last post wasn’t a lie, it was great. We got on so well and everything finally felt like it was all ‘worth it’… but it didn’t last long. We went away on holiday in May and if I am really honest with myself I noticed that devil in him a few times whilst we were away.

My baby girl is nearly 1 and she truly is amazing. She does have a really good bond with her dad but that is slowly diminishing since she is in nursery full time now and I know longer rely on him for childcare whilst I am at work. Well I couldn’t rely on him.

I started my new job in June and he was adamant he wanted to have her whilst I worked. It caused far more stress than it was worth and now she is in nursery full time.

Let’s get this straight I do not love him, he no longer makes me feel special, I spend most of my time despising him yet I just cannot seem to shake off the fact he still gets under my skin so much.

Take the past 12 hours for example, promised he would come by and ‘spend some time with us’… this is all his doing since I tell him countless times I do not want a relationship like this. I live life as a single mum yet have the stresses of a unsupportive man in a nasty relationship. I had a hint of hope of being able to go to boot camp, and then spin this morning plus who turns down company right? It got to 6pm and I started convincing myself I didn’t want to go to boot camp, much to his happiness. He was all ‘oh thank god baby. I didn’t want to let you down but I’ve got to stay in the spot as my mate has gone to London, but I will come by straight after.’ 10pm came… what a surprise… no where to be seen, he then does this thing where we be on the phone he’ll say ring me back in 5 minutes and doesn’t answer until 40 minutes later. Those 35 minutes I am a woman possessed with constant ringing and abusive text messages. It’s torture and exhausting. We spoke again at 00:45am where he 100% promised to be at mine at 6am to watch my girls whilst I went to a spin class. ‘100%, I got you, I adore you, this is all for our family’ … he needs some new lines he really does.

Did he show?? Did he fuck!!

He’s completely incapable of accepting his faults. ‘I didn’t do it on purpose’… ‘my line of work means I go days without sleep and if my body decides to shut down I can’t help it’… Like I have never heard such a crock of shit in my life… well I have but only ever from him. He then has a habit of turning it all back round on me. Projection!! Accuses me of everything he is fucking guilty of….

I will talk of Projection in my next blog. Right now I am at work and must get on 🙂