I mean it this time!

I didn’t get to sleep until nearly 4am. I wish he didn’t have my work phone number too. I found out that I went to school with the sister of the girl he has been seeing. I had to message her, tell her my side. It pains me SO much that I just know he’s making out to everyone that I am mad and that I’m the one lying. Why can’t I just let her deal with it and find out for herself? Because she will.

Circumstances do not make someone abusive, they are already abusive. It’s crazy how it still enters my mind that ‘what if I didn’t wrong him!’ Then I remember times before he went to jail and he NEVER had respect for me. I saw texts from his ex that implied the same. He doesn’t even have respect for his own mother and sister so I NEED to erase this from my mind. He doesn’t respect anyone and this girl will know. One of the messages I saw on his phone was from in his sent folder saying ‘why did you lock me out?’ at 3am. So already he’s treating her like a motel where he can just rock up at anytime. She can deal with that shit. Not me!

The girl messaged me on facebook saying ‘do not involve her family’, her sister understood my reasoning and I simply told her the same. He’s been wronging you. I shared the links to my blog. Told her to protect herself and equally a man who doesn’t have a job and sells drugs! She was still typing but what do I need to hear? She won’t believe me. But she will wish she had!

He text my work phone this morning ‘essays full of bullshit’, I just deleted it. He doesn’t need a response. An abuser will always deny the abuse ever happened. I think it is CLEAR to everyone reading this … this is my life! This is real! I would not WISH this on my life, nor would I imagine things not happening when they are. I have also evidenced along my journey that at the beginning I did not even realise how deep I was in a dark twisted and one sided relationship. An abuser thrives off that.

I started writing my book last night ‘I mean it this time’ is going to be the title. It is going to be part of my healing process, tell my story. Help others who are going through the same. I even started getting thoughts of doing the same to him, meet up with him sleep with him then lie to every man and his dog I’ve even seen him. See how he likes it!! The text he sent ‘I don’t want you’ actually made me laugh, who is he trying to kid. I need to get to a place where I am not going to use my body to get satisfaction out of the fact he well and truly would have me again. I did that last time and it didn’t end well. Obviously!

I actually feel quite good now. ALOT better than I felt 2 hours ago. The weekend is tomorrow… I NEED to just focus on my future and not focus on the pain he caused. Seeking apologies from him is pointless, I’d get them but they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing!

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