When will this end?

When will this pain and hate end? The torture and deceit I’ve endured is eating me up … wearing me down!

Why do I still want to talk to him? Why am I still desperate to try make him see! Even when I do hear ‘I’ve fucked up I love you’ .. it still angers me to the core as it’s just the same over and over again. I heard again how I hurt him in jail, he had to read texts on my iPad to another guy which killed him. Change the record !! Look what he’s done since!! Equally I have given him option after option to just be amicable and be parents! It’s him who continues to confuse the two.

He’s lied to our social worker and said he hasn’t seen us since September, how he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. God the lies he comes out with yet he screams that I’m the liar. I tried to take his stuff to the pub he hangs around. He was there!! He told me ‘I’ll smack you up you know’ so when he tried to get in my car I drove off. He held on tight , I wasn’t going to stop. He’s uncontrollable, he’d smash my car up or me! I just couldn’t risk that. He now believes I tried to run him over and everyone will know that I’m the one to blame.

I gave my statement to the NCDV today, it’s impossible to get everything in it. The flashbacks of different incidents are insane like they are so clear it’s like I’m watching a movie of myself. I am doing the right thing and I 100% have no doubt in my mind. He’s a terrible father and even a worse partner and no good will ever ever come from him. It isn’t nice when I think he’s with someone else, I know she means nothing to him but that isn’t the point. I’m the lonely one dealing with all these emotions and he gets to block it out with alcohol drink and her. I need to focus on the long term though, I didn’t want him, and I haven’t for months. It will be ok!

I just need to get my statement done to the police, need my court date and to get through the next few weeks!