And that feels good… like really good.
I listened to a couple of voice recordings I had in my phone today. It’s a shame they don’t back up as with all the phones he’s smashed up I lost loads of evidence of his behaviour! The two I have are quite recent and to be honest they are not even THAT bad compared to other times.
Back in June I wasn’t allowed to leave the house in what I was wearing. He told me I should respect his wishes and that he has to ‘teach’ and ‘help’ me how to have self respect and worth. His patronising angry tone, that you can hear in my voice has tied me up in knots and I’m a sobbing mess asking him what I was allowed to wear. I remember that day, I wasn’t allowed to leave my flat and he made sure of that by hiding my bag. Despite me explaining that it was an outfit I had wore previously in his company he wasn’t taking any of it. My bum was out was his concerns and I should respect him and myself. This also reminds me of a dress I tried on in front of him that I planned to wear to my friends hen party. He made a comment about how I shouldn’t wear it, I did and boy that was a rough night. A lecture and a half, he also had my Instagram account where he deleted random men’s comments on the photo of me in the dress and of course that was my fault. ‘Begging attention,’ ‘needy’ and ‘pathetic’. Then his favourite ‘I want a real woman not someone like you.’ He firmly told me I was not allowed on any more weekends away with the girls.
The second recording is over a misunderstanding about when he was buying me a new handbag as I had mine stolen. Any ‘normal’ person would say ‘no sorry you got confused babe I didn’t mean this weekend.’ Not him, not his narcissistic personality. It developed into an hour long lecture over how I was a joke and ungrateful. How I couldn’t ever accept when I was wrong. In a 16 minute voice recording he must have said how I was a joke 15 times. Explaining over and over again that it’s ‘really sad’ he can’t have a conversation with the mother of his child. How I can’t ever be told (like I’m a child.) i hear how I’m up my own arse, how I play and act dumb and how I’ll continue to have these problems with other men. As no one will put up with me the way I am! The repetitions of not being able to talk to me are tiresome when I ask him what he wants to talk about. A narcissist doesn’t know, he just repeats the point and will not follow it up with any substance. Trying to prove over and over again it’s me and it certainly isn’t him.
I also kept a diary for a month with a sentence for each day. It’s good to look back on and it shows me exactly why the injunction is needed. Since June I’ve been telling him I don’t want him but he is so used to abusing, controlling and manipulating me this will never stop without serious measures. Even in the 16 minute recording he begins by saying ‘like you said we’re not together’ and by the end he’s saying ‘in a relationship a man and woman should be able to communicate’ , obviously trying to highlight that my communication skills need work and re-iterating that I am still very much his!
He is obsessed with me, he is a possessive, jealous and a needy human. Especially since I had his baby, he sees that as he’s put his mark on me. ‘You think I’m having a baby mum whose in town every weekend opening her dirty legs’, ‘I’ll get wicked on you, you know’ and ‘over my dead body will you have another man in this town.’ Oh and let’s not forget ‘do your thing if you wish but I’m not letting you go and when I’m ready I will be coming back for you girl.’ We’ve been here before, he won’t stop thinking of me, he sure as hell won’t be bothered about my thoughts and pain from what he’s caused. As a narc he is so self centred he’ll be concerned about him. How he feels! He knows he won’t ever have anyone like me again. ‘I fucked up’ .. with the tears, ‘I am sorry’ … no no he’s just sorry that he’s suffering now. He isn’t sorry to me and never ever has been. He’ll tell anyone and everyone that will listen that I’m bitter and twisted. Using our baby as a weapon and I’m sure when he realises that this is really it this time that’ll fuel his fire to blame me once more.
‘All I know is I would have given you fucking everything if you didn’t wrong me when I went to jail’, that line used to get me. I would hate myself for doing what I did, blame myself for the whole situation. Revenge he would scream and I believed him. When I heard it this week I just laughed and told him to get over it. He’s boring now, poor him for reading a text message I sent to a man ‘hurry, I need warming up’ .. pity party him!! Circumstances do not make someone an abusive person, they are just abusive! Nothing I did justifies this behaviour… nothing!
He punched a hole in my wall even before he went to jail because an old flame had text me… should have spotted the red flags then!
So tonight I can sleep well. He can no longer tell me what to wear, what to do, where to eat (yes he has done that before), what to spend my money on, what friends I can see or where I go. Sometimes the control is indirect, he’ll make the situation so difficult it’s easier to just agree and bow down to his requests. I never ever have to hear another lie, word or comment come out of his mouth again. I do know something I will NEVER be involved with anyone like him again! Ever!