It is exactly a year later after the first attempt at ending the relationship. I know outsiders just never never understood why I kept going back. Why should they? He does the unthinkable. He is violent, he cheats, he doesn’t make me happy but yet I continued to allow him into my life.
In the immediate aftermath it is critical to go no contact, Ive attempted this before but it has never lasted. Facing up to and admitting all the painful, humiliating and difficult things during the relationship I have always found worse when trying to go it alone. Like a drug I explain this part as the come down, desperate for my fix, desperate for my next hit and despite the fact he is the same drug that has made me feel so bad for so long I crave that drug to bring me back up, not even caring that I KNOW I’ll have the same come down in the not so distant future. Narcissists will not easily give up their narcissistic supply, they feed off the attention you give them, the admiration, they gloat that despite how badly they have treated you you will still go back. Even a single conversation is enough for a narcissist to get back under your skin. After every major blow (and there has been a lot) the phone calls were always the same. Abusive to the core in a desperate attempt to make out that in fact it was all brought on my self, I should have expected it. I deserved it! Then when that fails he’ll try everything to make you agree to see him. He used money a lot, told me he had some money for me. Either money he owed me or money for a contribution for his baby, just last week he attempted the same. Let me take you out for a drink he calmly said, a drink? He’s fucking crazy!
This is the fourth time in a year I have changed my number. Changing my number is only as good as I allow it to be. I have to make sure I don’t ring him too, even texts from me would fuel his narcissism and I am now 4 days post any kind of contact. I know how it would go if I was to speak to him, ‘this is fucking killing me,’ ‘I fucked up,’ ‘no one will ever be as good as you.’ He’s in the past managed to FaceTime me, uses that he wants to see baby but will direct the conversation at me. ‘I’ve fucking missed you’ ‘look at you, you’re absolutely beautiful’ ‘there’s something wrong with me’ and ‘I’m not letting you go again.’ The interesting use of words are assumptive that he still has me, even allowing a conversation makes him sure that I’m not going anywhere. Then when I’ve seen him, the kind caring empath in me cradles him like a baby when he seems scared lost and alone. ‘I thought I fucking lost you.’ He whispers with tears in his eyes. Before I know it he’s back under my skin.
Trying to end a relationship with a narcissist and remain in contact is not possible. Any relationship that ends is difficult and often painful but ending one with a narcissist is something else. When normal relationships come to an end there are often many moments you can look back on and smile. Saviour the memories, feel sad it may be over but recovery is an easier process. When a relationship ends with a narcissist there are few happy memories, the majority tainted by bad and ugly visions going on in your head. The only memory I have where I see myself smiling, laughing, feeling excited, genuinely happy and content are in a prison visiting room. Even that obviously has a negative connection, every other memory is dark, twisted and damaging!
This isn’t getting over a relationship it’s getting over a warfare.
Keeping in contact is only continuing that cycle of abuse. He’ll continue to control you, continue to put you down, continue with false promises and fantasies. Lord forbid when you remind him that you’re not actually together you’ll be a slag, a dirty girl desperate for attention. He convinced himself that I was never loyal anyway, he doesn’t want a woman like me, and over his dead body will he allow me to be in town every weekend. He made it clear if I moved on he’d ‘smack me up’, if his daughter ever saw another man around my house he’d do even worse. Then in his next breath he’d say that he needs to come see me, when I decline that offer the abuse begins again and instead of terminating the call I fuel it and I end up begging him to come and that I’m the one who is sorry.
In person the abuse was worse, he’d speak to me like a child. Educate me on how to be a mother, then when I explain that I do a pretty good job without him around I have a long lecture how I can never be told, never accept I am wrong and he should be able to talk to the mother of his child about anything!! He’ll go on and on and on until I’m in tears through frustration, I’m then called weak and pathetic and laughed at because I always play the victim. ‘No one feels sorry for you Kerry,’ he gloats. Then in the next breath he’s hugging me and touching me, using all his charm to caress me and seduce me. Saying no doesn’t go down well with a narcissist, I’ve attempted it many times. More abuse, often violence where I’ll try and push him off me. It’s easier to just give in and allow him to enter my body than deal with the crap for saying no.
I may not even see him for days at a time but that doesn’t stop him from believing he has every right to go through my phone, I often hid it when he turned up. Even words like ‘I miss you’ have a damaging effect on me. Miss me ? Love me? Just makes me angry!! The last assault was because I didn’t want to leave him my house keys when I went to work. Just 10 days prior to that he did the same even took my glasses off ready to hit my face. He wins. He has the control. He has a warped opinion that tells me that it is his daughters house therefore he can come ANYTIME he likes.
Saying no to a narcissist never never ends well, so you find yourself plodding along. He takes this as his golden ticket to continue sleeping with you, continue the control and continue the disrespect.
No contact is the only way!