The future is awesome

I’m ready! I’m feeling great. He’s desperate for me.. like I already know but for once I actually don’t care nor do I see a future with him.

I wish I could rewind to the days when he made me feel so weak and worthless because that was all pointless and really I should have learnt by now. He doesn’t last long until he’s the weak and worthless one. It’s that chronic cycle. We have spoke and I admit it to the people that need to know. Our baby has been poorly again and although being in hospital without him there was upsetting I still realise that it is no reason to go back. I just hope we can reach a future where we can be amicable.

My social worker is passing on messages on his behalf. Hilarious and highlights exactly how outdated social services are. Do they not realise they are aiding this cycle!? Keep the fact he is sorry and he’ll do ‘what it takes’ to yourself please. Although I enjoy hearing it, it isn’t going to make me better. Police have still not caught up with him to serve the injunction and it’s like I’ve disappeared of their list. Maybe I even fooled them with how much I knew and understood abuse and therefore would never go back. I still doubt myself.

The first time I called police on him I was getting welfare checks daily. I’ve had none this time and even though he’s ‘wanted’ it isn’t difficult to not get found. So much is wrong with the support network for women like me it’s insane.

When we have spoke I feel like the one in control. He’s giving me the I love you’s and showering me with praise. Explaining how he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing and how’s he fucked his whole life over a dumb mistake. Thing is it was never just over that dumb girl, it was over many many reasons, she just gave me my ticket to freedom. It’s actually a shame she couldn’t keep hold of him longer.

I use to get my addiction fix from seeing him, now I just get it from a phone call or a message that’s been passed on. I had an awesome weekend last weekend , I just let myself down on Sunday evening when I found something that I really needed to ask him about. I found an old photo in my phone that had his number on, 2 hour phone call later and I could have punished myself, but I remind myself that I’m human and I’m ok. Monday evening I then found something else written on our baby’s notes that I felt he needed to hear my anger about. I just KNEW his mother tried to blame me and there it was , clear as day. How fucking dare they both. Wednesday I NEARLY had to rely on him for a babysitter but after another ear bleed from her I decided I needed to just have the day off work.

I’m working on myself, I need to find a new drug and a new addiction. It won’t be hard 🙂