Blast from the past

Go back far enough in my blog and you’ll read about the ‘other man’, the man I didn’t even admit to my friends for so long, the man that I got involved in whilst my abuser was in jail. I don’t want to or need to go over old ground with explaining the situation or my thoughts and feelings around that time but it’s worth mentioning how much my abuser never ever let it go. Even recently he bought him up, so sure that he would come and find me when he got out of HMP. Yes that’s right he’s in jail. I know I know I don’t half pick them but the difference with this one is I had absolutely no idea what he was playing at. I remember thinking how he had his shit together, slightly concerned that I would be facing a tough decision when it came to it but that didn’t last long as it came to light he was involved in fraud on quite a large scale. 8 years and 10 months he got. Isn’t it funny how even the length of sentence intimidated my ex, saw it as a competition. Felt that his jail time was inadequate, and that I would see the fraudster as bigger and better, yes this is really the mentality of these people.

I did contact him when I shouldn’t have, but it was after the first violent episode back in early 2016 and I just wanted to reach out to a man who I knew would never do that to me. Problem with me I was always too honest , and when I started experiencing disrespect from my ex I admitted that I had done the same at times. Admitted that he had called me whilst I was with the other guy. Admitted we had spoke since. Admitted that I had emailed him and he had sent me a letter. We really barely spoke at all, but considering his disrespect I kind of saw it as a payback knowing how much it would hurt him if he ever knew. I guess this is also how he got away with so much I accepted fault because of my dishonesty! Eventually I learnt that none of my actions were deserving of abuse especially on his scale but he fooled me long enough thinking it was. I even went to see him once, that one I never admitted too. It actually was none of his business considering he was on to girlfriend number 2 at the time anyway. Despite me not even mentioning him I was abused chronically for this ‘affair’ he would continue to tell me I had another man in jail and it wasn’t fair because he was always that person. Tell me I was a joke for giving out my address and I’ve got mans laughing at him. Considering the amount of cheating he did, I think a couple of phone calls when I was in a really dark and lonely place isn’t on the same level. To him though and his level of double standards, boy it was unforgivable.

When I changed my number again recently I updated my number with him via the prisoner email service. Too much of a soft touch and I thought how I would quite like to speak to him again. He was a friend, a familiar voice and a distraction right.

Last Saturday he rang me. It’s mad how you never forget a voice he actually said ‘hi’ and then said ‘do you know who it is.’ I knew from the word hi who it was. Madness. We spoke a bit and I updated him. I think the last time we spoke was June, and I remember it being Father’s Day and I had had a bad weekend with my ex. Like really bad. Speaking to him was refreshing. No drama, no bullshit, no rudeness just a conversation. That is exactly what it is. On Saturday he finished by saying call you soon. In the past that’s never happened so took it as gospel. Well tonight he called again and we were talking for over an hour. All day I’ve been reliving bad memories in my head, watching and reliving traumatic times like a movie and not like it’s real life, a tight dead knot constantly in my stomach. Talking to him changed that, I actually only reminisced good times. We both did. Like don’t worry I’m not about to confess my love to him, wait for him or even think we’ll ever be anything. (Never ever will I be in that situation again) but the point is, I can be distracted and I can and will get over the trauma I’ve experienced. Relationships can be positive, and calm and enjoyable and I often need a reminder of that.

He made me feel good, and the familiarity was nice. I’m on dating sites but sometimes the conversation is always so dead. Exhausting starting from scratch with someone especially as the majority are only out for one thing.

I doubt I’ll hear again from him for a while but it doesn’t matter. He served a purpose for this evening and tomorrow I will continue feeling positive.

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