Food is not love!

Food! Food right now is a problem. I dropped weight when it was all going on, pain and anxiety puts me off food completely. This stress however has sent me the other way. The need to focus on something other than everything he put me through I turn to food! Auto pilot, hand to mouth, not even thinking, food!! I’m out of control. I’ve had the urge to talk to him again today, over 2 months without any communication! I’m nailing this no contact thing, or am I ? I can’t wait until I feel completely free, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin isn’t helping that process though.

I’m probably being very dramatic and it’s not like all of my clothes don’t fit me (well apart from this one pair of jeans and the dress below) but if I continue it will become a major issue.

It is my own self sabotage! A woman I have recently met and become close too went Facebook live today, a very very real and raw live about her issues with emotional eating and I could relate.

I know that eating those 2 packs of belvitas will not make me feel good. I know it! So why do it? It’s the same question I asked my self when I would have sex with the ex. Good at the time but oh so very bad for me!

I’ve had a long running issue with food my whole life. I lost a great deal of weight to even have half the confidence I have now but since baby number 2 I haven’t managed to feel the way I felt before !

Let’s not forget I still hear him tell me ‘you were too fat for me’ as one of his excuses for cheating on me in my head. He also told me when our baby was just 4 weeks old that if I got my old body back he would have me back. Maybe I am eating more now because I have no body telling me I shouldn’t be, or nit picking at my food choices?! Who knows!

Looking good was always important to him, he always said ‘do it for me yeh.’ Even his letters from jail made comments about my body and hopefully I was getting in the gym. I corrected him ‘no I’m doing it for me!’

Then recently slowly increasingly having less confidence and feeling fatter and with that… more ugly! It doesn’t matter what anyone says if I feel not like the best version of me then I won’t be! I’m highly critical of myself and probably more so now than I have ever been. But I can’t blame that all on him, it’s always been that way.

So I’ve tried just eating better, I’ve tried it! But I know how my mind works and I’m an all or nothing type of girl when it comes to food! Sooo it’s back to basics , back to literally eating cleaner that my mums house! (Which is very clean)! No shit food at all, I won’t even start because right now I can’t fucking stop. I love VLCD’s (very low calorie diets) I’ve done Cambridge diet, slim & save and more recently Exante. I think they are brilliant for those who really struggle with their relationship with food. For me it creates discipline, control and structure. I will write more on this another time.

Now when I get into the swing of it I naturally can eat ‘what I like’ but that’s because my sub conscious is wanting healthier foods and simply just does not over indulge. I don’t believe that crap where people are stick thin and they can eat and eat and eat! It’s basic science, yes some people have faster metabolisms but we can change our own metabolisms just by exercise and eating better!!

Yes people do eat ‘what they like’ and not gain weight but as I’ve said, that is because they like very different things to a ‘fat person.’ I’ve binged at times, to the point I am disgusted in my self. Packet of crisps ? I would have 6! Then would find other things to eat because well that day is ruined so why not! Crazy mentality but one I see time and time again with others.

I know what I’m doing … I’ve done it before. It’s just getting my mindset right and out of this hole I seem to be in right now. Blogging this also makes me accountable right?

Ok fair enough I’m not the girl on the left, but I’m not the girl on the right either.

I was in London wearing that red dress back in 2014. Not only had I eaten bread that day for the first time in weeks and I felt like I was going to die (ok I’m dramatic) but also my ex had hung up on me purely because a man started talking to me whilst I was on the phone to him. It was so innocent but he felt I should be punished. How dare I be polite to another male when I was his woman right! I obviously begged for it and made out I was single!!Then he wouldn’t communicate with me for the rest of the night sending me in to a panic and emotional distress! RED FLAGS!!

I’m going to put some positivity in this and I did achieve this in just 8 months, I feel I’ve let myself slip though since this!

He took that photo, I begged him not too! He told me I looked beautiful, maybe he was humouring me! Highly likely considering he was cheating on me! Then our holiday in May 2017 where the devil him reared his ugly head again! The honeymoon periods never lasted long.

Anyway I will wear that red dress again! I will! My bullet journal will help me!

Totally loving this by the way! However I seem to be spending more time putting things in it than doing things I should be doing! Hmmm … !

Like my God damn EU Law essay!

Article 267 reading here I come!

Has anyone else failed at the ‘new year eating better resolution’ ? February is the new January anyway 😛

Kerry

Xx