Moving forward

I actually feel genuinely quite scared at the thought of entering into another proper relationship. I go from thinking ‘I can take this attention and I’ll just go back to the old me’ to ‘no fucking way stay the hell away!!’

I guess this is why I’m enjoying talking to M so much. He’s completely unattainable, I know him and he isn’t actually going anywhere. I joke around with him. We laugh so much. I can rant about my day and he’ll listen and he is nice to me. He told me he has love for me and cares, typical him, that’s what he always used to say before. All showing me exactly what was wrong with my abuser.

Back in January after my abuser cheated the second time I started talking to a man. We spoke daily. I was going out for my long walks and he was my walking buddy. We never met up, something obviously always holding me back. I wonder what that was! But we spoke a lot, when my abuser was due to come out of jail he admitted that I did something to him that drove him crazy. He wanted to get to know me and meet me. It was then I had to tell him I was giving it another shot with my baby’s father. I later regretted doing this and in July I text him saying that I had fucked up with him. He actually told me he would be there should it go wrong but he understood and didn’t want to get between a family. I thought about him quite a bit in that time after this. He would never have treated me that way and I was so annoyed I thought I was doing the right thing.

I did send a few conversation starters and I got the hint that he wasn’t into me anymore. Who could blame him tho?! However very oddly the day after all this kicked off he snapped me saying ‘how are you?’ My heart skipped a beat, it felt so nice someone asking me how I was and being genuine and I liked it even more so that it was him. Since then we’ve spoke a bit. We’ve laid our cards out on the table and obviously he’s expressed his concerns that he’s just second best. I told him how I understood but I didn’t want him involved in all my shit! I’ve at times thought we were going to move forward. He’s said how he actually wants to get to know me, spend time with me but then saying he’s on his own journey too. Anyway I got a bit upset when it didn’t amount to anything. Thank God we hadn’t got deeper involved, that’s all I would have needed.

Like I’ve said before I don’t struggle to meet men. It really isn’t hard in this day and age but I also knew with my abuser still in my life it literally was not worth it. It could have potentially been so dangerous. I had spoken to a few but when it came to meeting them I panicked. Thought about my repercussions. A friend said to me ‘if you really wanted to get away you would have told him you had slept with someone else.’ If only it was that easy. If only I thought that THAT would have actually got him to leave me alone. Course not. I cheated on him when in jail. I told him baby potentially couldn’t have been his. I called the police on him. He served time in jail because I went to the police on him. I had flowers bought for me. He saw conversations with men on my phone. He knew I emailed another man in prison. NOTHING would get him to leave it would only fuel more control, more hate, more anger and more bruises.

The longer I’ve had this non molestation order served on him the more I realise it was my ONLY way to stop the level of control he had.

Anyway recently I’ve been talking to another man. He actually let me open to him about my past and he’s been nothing but supportive. He’s young, I’m not looking for anything serious but it’s fun. Again being in his presence only highlighted even more how much I do not ever want my abuser again. I actually got to the point I didn’t even want to kiss my abuser, always constantly thinking about all his nasty cruel ways and level of disrespect. It didn’t give me the same love and warmth it always did before.

They do say to get over someone get under someone else and so far that’s working. 🤭