I believe it’s a skill that I don’t have the hang of very well. I’m laying in bed flicking between my social media platforms, staring at the most recent book I’m reading for personal development, a printed copy of my book so far laying next to it and my business law text book is on the floor.
I have so much to do!!
I guess I should put them into order of preference or at least have some type of plan. I have two essays due in January. That should take precedence, certainly not Facebook and Twitter.
I spoke to M last night on the phone for quite a while. It was such a fun conversation, he really makes me laugh. The good thing is I make him laugh too. He’s not overly complimentary which is good and moving forward is going to be a major red flag for me! It’s normal to say ‘your eyes are beautiful’ , it’s not normal to say ‘you’re perfect in every way.’ Chill out man! It is so mad how chilled our ‘relationship’ is , well compared to what I am used to anyway.
I have now said no to my social worker for Christmas presents being passed on by my abusive ex to my baby. Reason being the anxiety has already drove me crazy, and the likelihood it won’t even happen is extremely high. It is also so evident this isn’t about my baby this is about how HE is perceived as a person. ‘Ahh what a great dad’ he wants to hear. It’s all fucking show, keep your presents and when you get contact do it then. I used to say ‘I don’t want to see you tonight’ as a defence mechanism. Protecting my own feelings for the fear of being let down. It never worked though, that used to make him absolutely fly off the handle and I’d be called a fucking prick and told that he isn’t going to bother trying anymore. ‘Get off my line man’ he’d say and hang up on me leaving me beside myself at the sheer disrespect. He fails to remember the two previous nights he’s promised to come over yet tied me up in knots whilst I’m calling him every hour waiting for his narcissistic self.
Yes I’m doing it again relating to past incidents. I can’t fucking think about anything else.
I have an urge to talk to him. I want to hear his bullshit. I’m missing the chaos, the drama, the head fuckery clearly.. I still feel so so hooked!