Being authentically me ..

That’s what I have done today. It was a bad day today, I haven’t cried but I have so desperately wanted to reach out to him and just say .. I miss you. I absolutely know I don’t want him romantically but it’s just not me to be so angry.

I found the letter I wrote a week ago and considered sending it now. I then thought perhaps I may send an email. Then I was looking at I miss you cards online. What is actually wrong with me? He does not deserve my love and certainly not a bloody card.

It sure is a rollarcoaster of emotions but the thing I HATE absolutely HATE is, how it ended. I wish I had just put a stop to it earlier, stopped myself getting so emotionally invested. He was showing me the signs and I was ready to meet someone else but as soon as I did lean back, it’s like he came back, it was a constant game of cat and mouse.

Anyway I decided against emailing when I thought I accidentally one belled him from WhatsApp. I had unblocked him earlier and deleted his number instead, figuring by now he would have deleted my number anyway and would be none the wiser that he was unblocked. I also felt sure he would never ever make the first move ESPECIALLY after my essay block message. I was in my last dialled and wanted to delete him from there too but instead I clicked on it and I have no idea if I got to it in time. I think it’s likely I did. My heart went in my mouth though. I was then laughing about that with friends and then I learnt of some news. A guy who was in my business networking group last year had committed suicide. Absolutely awful and it really hit me to think, life is far too short.

So the email got sent. I said I hated how it’s ended and that if he ever needs a friend etc etc. I don’t expect a reply. I don’t need one. I did that for me. My closure. I can’t do angry. My email also didn’t come from a I take all the blame and I wish we were still together place either I admitted that I should have admitted earlier I wasn’t happy which is true.

We get what we tolerate

I had allowed a man to treat me in a low value way. One time I did text to say ‘i don’t know where I fit in here’ he asked me what was happening and I changed the subject. He then acted more interested again. Another time I said ‘we need to talk’ and he called me pretty quickly (hadn’t responded to my how are you text!) he then spoke about himself, about how busy he was and stressed. When I tried to discuss ‘us’ he said it should be face to face. Perhaps if from day 1 I was more stern about all this we wouldn’t have ended so sourly. Perhaps the night he said right now his life was a mess I should have said ‘ok do you.’ Countless times I wanted to say ‘I can’t do this, take some time, figure it all out and come back to me’ but I just didn’t and all that is something I can take the blame for.

When he said things like ‘I think you’ve made up your mind here’ , perhaps it is his own fear of abandonment or maybe all along he just wanted me to be the one to end it. That still doesn’t make sense as to why he would drive here to see me and spend a lot of time communicating with me on the phone.

So my next relationship I won’t be doing that. If I feel hurt, or feel unworthy or undervalued by a man… I am out!

This has helped me tonight. Now I’m sleepy. I wish I had emailed from my personal email because I don’t even have to check that. Like I said I don’t expect a reply. It isn’t needed x

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