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I’ve had my christmas present

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s Christmas Eve, I saw my gorgeous man earlier, the only present I need and I am more in love than I ever thought possible. I wish he was here now, I wish I could feel his warmth and his kisses and hear his laugh in my ear. I so very much long for just one evening with him. Of course I miss the sex but I miss his presence more. We had such a lovely visit, despite the delay due to an ‘issue’ on the wing… yeah right, the rude comment made by a ‘screw’ and the end which kept me locked in for 25 minutes. Putting all that aside it was lovely, and I count myself lucky I have met my soul mate and nothing could ever break us now. Would we be this strong if this hadn’t of happened?! No I don’t think so. In fact I know so. This has shown us both how in love with are. Its so real.

This evening I crashed a little, PVB kicked in. Post Visit Blues can last weeks, believe me, and I am hoping this is not the case this time round. I wished he was at my parents house with me earlier, I wish he was going to be with me tomorrow too. This isn’t a normal christmas in a relationship but then whats to say is normal? I had my sister earlier crying because her boyfriend had gone to the pub and he makes her miserable, one of my best friends texting me saying she had seen pictures on her partners phone of his ex wife and son, then two of my other good friends are in really crappy relationships and not seeing their ‘men’ over christmas at all! Looking at all these scenerios I know what I would rather, yes we may be apart now but it will not be forever. It’s just one christmas too afterall, this time next year his tag will be off and he’ll be here with me now probably getting drunk over a bottle of rum.  OMG I cannot wait. I will spend the rest of my life with this man, we spoke of marriage, babies, the future. I would never have been so sure about that if it wasn’t for this prison sentence.

It is the best thing that could have happened to us.

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He shook my world…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I think every girl has that one guy that they will always be weak too. The one guy who seemed absolutely perfect, that blinded you with niavity and yet it can be looked back on and alarm bells was obvious right from the get go. Why do we not see those alarm bells? Do we just choose to ignore them? Convincing ourselves it is something that it isn’t.

I don’t know what I would do if I was to see him again now. It isn’t unusual for me to click on his profile picture, have a look… or even check out his profile and see if there was anything else to see. It goes beyond that, I check out his ‘girlfriend’ (who’s current profile picture has changed to just her not them both) and his family too. It was obsessive at one point, half hoping not to find anything. Ignorance is bliss type of scenario. Now I do it just to be nosy, it doesn’t have that same effect on me but I STILL DO IT!!!

I would like to see him again, my confidence is double it was when I knew him. I am a different person. He was around when I was in that job I hated. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, I know I could have him if I wanted.

I didn’t blog much whilst we were seeing each other. Doesn’t mean it was all great, because it wasn’t. Being in my current relationship shows exactly what was wrong about me and D. He was so secretive, so dark, mysterious. Maybe that’s what kept me so addicted. He was also the first black man I had had sex with. Why hadn’t I had been doing it my whole adult life?!? I questioned myself. I know love sees no colour, but there is something incredibly sexy about being in a relationship with a black man. Usually I am not lost for words but I cannot even explain what I love about it. Its just different. I liked being seen out with him. I liked how much power my body can have over him, I definitely enjoyed the sex with him. I was confident. I let my body do the talking.

That being, it still didn’t make me confident when I would have to think about every word spoke to him. Each text message I would analyse and analyse some more. Regret certain things I did or said in case that was the reason he had ‘lost interest’, it was a physically and emotionally distressing experience but yet I couldn’t get enough.

The weekly meets came to an end in March and I felt like I would never ever get over it. My old blog makes it clearer.

Thursday 26th February 2013

Is he that person who will make me feel happy, safe and loved? Is he the person who will bring me out of this mini hole that I am stuck in at the moment? And I have to answer myself honestly, no I do not think he is. There I said it, it makes all this stuff so much easier to deal with when I realise that he is not the one. Driving home from work today I imagined being his girl on his arm, having a future with him and I see us just both being happy. Having him look at me the way he always does, have him be protective over me and be proud that I am his. I have just watched him go online on whatsapp and pray that I see him typing and I havent. I want to absolutely ball my eyes out, why? why? why? I need to wake the hell up…. why would he not even say night like he has done in the past. He didn’t last night but yet I wake up to “mornin xx”.. it is a complete head fuck and I have so much more that I can explain and type about and I will, eventually!! God I wish I could ask someone… do I leave him to it?! (where on so many occasions he has blamed me for being distant, gone quiet or not having much convo)… text him night where it looks like I am making an effort and his non communication hasnt bothered me or text him something saying how I feel!! I think I will wait till the morning see what happens… !!

I wish I didnt fancy him so god damn much, my lust for him is completely mental. I have never ever felt like this about anyone before, of course I love so easily but I mean in a physically attraction way. He in my opinion is a complete head turner, and I cannot believe someone like him would of had in an interest in me. I need to move on! (Now I look back and he’s no where near the same level as my current boyfriend)

Wednesday 27th February 2013

I have just spent the past hour having that tightening in my stomach and chest, and crying tears that were uncontrollable and loud like a small child. Is it me?! Am I over thinking too much and wanting too much out of something?! Or is it him?! Not really giving a damn about me and I am just something to pass his time.

This man has been in my life for 4 months now, 4 months!! That is a long time right… a long time for someone to be in your life, granted it hasn’t been 4 months of a whirlwind romance like I have experienced previously but 4 months of seeing his name daily appear on my phone. Many meetings for rendezvous, laughs and feeling like someones girl. 4 months is a long time to me.

Last night I saw he went online again after I finished my blog and after telling myself I wasn’t going to text , I did “so I don’t even get a night anymore :(” I did wake up to “night babe xx”. After waking up and then seeing I didn’t get a morning message I saw rage “Don’t just say it because you feel you have too, you have made yourself perfectly clear.” In hindsight I was possibly too hasty, after all we have had discussions in the past where he has felt insecure about me not texting first, he often has questioned “why should I text you first?” and “why no morning message when you have been online?” and even “how’s your new fella, because you don’t text me in the morning.” His reply this morning was put bluntly “I txt u as much as u txt me”, what could I reply to that?! It was pretty true to be honest however in my head it is because I often will text him last but then still get accused of being “quiet all day.” This evening I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone, I got no reply then after seeing him go on and off line I was beside myself and had to put it out there.. why would he not even reply to me? I also asked him to not do this to me. Once again he went online and did not reply straight away. Why would he be happy to let me feel the way I was currently feeling?! I had made the decision in my head he was no longer worth it, he did not respect me, he just did not care enough and the old phrase “you are worth better” came up on the convo with my friends. Being told and agreeing that I needed to let him go and respect myself. Asking my friends when would I feel better and joking about Birmingham and how my mission is to kiss a different boy in every bar we go too. Then I see him typing “I neva said I wanted u to leave me alone babe!! x” …. Back to square fucking ONE!!

Present day

Now after reading all that I ask myself why did I deal with all those games so much. That’s all it was to him, a game. This became clearer as I started to get over him and found the strength to do so

Monday 29th April 2013

Went out with the girls at the weekend, I mentioned a few times that I wanted to go home, but girls wouldn’t let me and my God am I glad I didn’t. At 1:30am we decided to go to the bar I met D in all those months back. A bar we barely even make it too and I will never ever forget the feeling I had or even the words ” there’s D” EVER! I could not actually believe it, ACTUALLY still cannot believe it. The man who I have literally been lusting after for so many months and weeks was right there in front of me. He made me weak, of course I spoke to him, I think I did it pretty well to be honest. I don’t remember the conversation word for word. But I remember him asking me how had I been, why hadn’t I text him. He kissed me on my lips but then pulled away, touched between my legs, gave me that look that completely makes me melt! He asked me if I was wearing tights and said “those legs man” and looked me up and down. I was by his side for over an hour, didn’t leave it apart from when he went to the toilet. I remember his friend saying “you must be *****” and then briefly remember him saying “you like him don’t you”…. was I making it that obvious?! I told D he had something over me, and I didn’t know what it was, maybe I shouldn’t of been as honest as that but he had to know. He mentioned that if he wasn’t with me that night I’d prob be off pulling, then when he saw the text messages on my phone he said “booty call?” What does he mean by that?! Jealousy again, maybe that’s what he could never deal with. He told me to text him soon , I really didn’t want to leave his side but his bro and friends were going to a different bar with some girls and I wasn’t going there. H my best friend made me see sense and to just walk off, I thought he was following me out but he wasn’t there I wanted to say bye. I was the stronger person and just walked. He had my number. I knew that I could potentially text him again however I felt sick at the thought of him getting with someone else. Completely amazed at what had just happened. Wanted to put the whole night in a bottle and keep it there. I get home and he had text me!!! He ended up leaving them all in the club and coming to see me! Walking up the stairs he couldn’t keep his hands off me, we were kissing so much and the sexual tension was completely mental once again. I still could not believe he was here when he was in my bed, he enjoyed it. I could tell he did, he told me that as soon as he saw me he knew he wanted to fuck me again. He told me how much he had missed my pussy once he entered me. I just loved kissing him, loved feeling his body against mine, the heat that comes from him and his hands all over me. It is complete lust like no other, it has never ever felt like this before. Only him. Only he can do this to me. He kissed me as he left, then kissed me again, he said I went a bit weird but I was fine, just hated that he was going and potentially wasn’t going to see him again!

Today has been horrible, I have just slept most of it. I text him today something naughty and I’ve not had a reply. He did text me yesterday asking if I was ok, and double checked I was ok about everything as I seemed off after, I just said not at all. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say?! How am I meant to play this now?! I so know he would want me again, what is his problem?! What the hell is going through his head?! For Joe Bloggs it would be so easy to turn round and say “he used you” but why would he go out of his way to put him self on me when it potentially could open a whole can of worms again. Not naive enough to think that he wants it back to like it was, but he must still feel that thing we have or Saturday night would not of been worth the potential aggro he could be facing. It all just does not make sense.

Present Day

I needed that night as closure. I found out some more stuff after I saw him once again out in my home town a few months later. He had a girlfriend, the same one I had stalked previously and assumed it was his ‘ex’. He probably never split from her, he showed signs how he loved that he could have me if he wanted me. I was annoyed with myself that he knew this. It was from this I then changed. I found confidence, I began to use men and treat them the way he had treated me. He randomly text me again in September which I managed to turn around and tell him to basically leave me alone. That felt good.

I wonder what would happen if I text him again!

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Lonely This Christmas..

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s easier than I thought it would be. Well the lead up has been. Being so busy has eased the pain but the worst is still to come. Merry Christmas Eve Eve so they say, not so sure what’s so merry about it. I struggled at the weekend and I had a horrible anxious feeling that something had gone wrong. Picturing the worst. What if he gets more time? Its so easy for someone not going through it to say ‘just move on’ … yeh sounds easy. Not when you are so in love with that person, I don’t want anyone else. Through all his faults, his criminal record and his prison sentence. Its him I want. No one else.

He just called, he misses me, can’t wait to see me, needed to hear my voice. These words never get boring. I am excited to see him tomorrow. Not how I expected my Christmas eve to be however.

This time last year we were all new, only met on the 16th December but we were pretty inseparable straight away. He stayed at mine on Christmas eve and then again Christmas day. I was still unsure about him however, his age, his intentions, was he just using me?, what did our future really hold? It’s ok to be cautious though.

I take from my blog 2 years ago. I think it’s safe to say I am happier now than I was two years ago.

Monday 24th December 2012

Feeling a bit solemn this evening, always the way after a night of heavy drinking. Even worse when you end up 45 minutes away from your hotel with two men who are completely unacceptable and have only had 1 text message from the person you are currently in love with all day. Now I say in love but we all know how quickly I fall.

It Christmas Eve and whilst I am sat here over thinking like EVERYTHING. I have time to explain whats been happening over the past few weeks, it may even help me actually see sense and realise I am completely over reacting right now.

I met D back on October 27th I was out for my best mates birthday in town. I had been to L’s the night before and to be honest I was pretty loved up. BUT after the way everything had been so rocky with him, I figured the fact an attractive bloke approaching me wanting my number without anything being forced upon that night, deserved my number at least. I was honest with him and said I had a boyfriend but then changed it to “seeing someone” which in my defence that’s what it had been. He sent his first message that night, I already knew he was from London and after him telling me I was gorgeous and hot, and that he had to approach me I asked him what he was doing in my town. He said “finding you” , I’d give him that, he knew what to say. I still wasn’t overly convinced I would ever meet him but it is always nice to have someone to text especially someone who thinks so highly of you. At the beginning I barely text him at all, I felt bad on L (my current ‘boyfriend’) and was also unsure on D. Not really my type, he is a black guy but hey they say there is a first for everything. I chatted to him quite a bit the next day, he made me smile and I was intrigued especially with L being so temperamental. I found out his age, the fact he has a little girl and we seemed to get on well. I did fall asleep on him though and I made the effort to text him the next morning explaining that.

Now this beginning of a long long story seems pretty pointless as he’s texting me this evening now. After me texting him at 3pm asking him to ring me when he can but not getting a phone call, this is what sent me into even more of a panic mode. Ridiculous really because when I do go over old messages him ignoring me is something that is not completely unnormal.

Since meeting him I have met up with him properly 5 times. With the first of the dates being on the Friday 16th November, the friday before my birthday. Far too tired to finish this now , but I am going to sleep convinced that he has just been busy this christmas weekend, I will see him again I am sure xxx

Present day

I was so completely in denial it is so embarrassing looking back. I was infatuated by him, he made me so weak. Convinced myself relationships didn’t need to be ‘whilrwind’ or be constantly living in each others pockets. Assumed our relationship would develop and grow into something amazing. The lust I had for him was unreal, I still think about him at times even now. This wasn’t real. What I have right now is real, we just have gates separating us. That won’t be for ever though. This time next year. He’ll be off tag and we can start to rebuild our lives.

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Piss off ME week!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I seem to be just falling out with everyone this week. People are so bloody dumb, not my fault I am dealing with jobsworths on a regular. Now don’t get me wrong I do love people, the industry I work in I meet so many great people. All like-minded, all creative, interesting, funny, mostly smart and genuinely just fun to be around. What do I do? Well without going into too much about my career history, since June 2013 I have worked in the promotions industry. I had a successful time within the leisure industry as a membership sales consultant starting from 2010. I won a trip to Las Vegas plus many other incentives and bonus’s, not to mention met my best friend and many other good friends within this company. Made a big mistake when I was headhunted into a recruitment company, basic was higher, earning potential was greater, mon – fri, just like I thought I wanted. BUT culture shock or what? Spent my weekends dredding monday. Spent the days just dredding each hour. Hated every single minute. The company left me feeling depressed. Thought it was me? I left on mutual terms, kinda, and they belittled me made me feel worthless and unhappy and a complete failure. My boss, was like a jumped up devil spawned female, granted she was turning over thousands each year, but I was smarter than that. Smarter than just looking at her figures but more at how she got there. She got lucky! All there was too it, and I was meant to look up to her? No chance. She couldn’t sell ice to the eskimos, or whatever that saying is. I would try and learn from her, her crap ‘sales’ calls that ended her getting flustered and just angry if something didn’t go her way. No one liked her. The office had a HORRIBLE presence constantly and I dare not breathe out of line in case we woke the beast. Felt like I was at school. I wasn’t depressed, I just was not happy in that environment. I was not me. Always crying. Mad how a company can completely change you as a person. That ended, and it wasn’t long until I joined a new company. Much more me. Full of young people. The culture was similar to what I was used to and I was once again a different person. Enjoyed going to work. Everything was going in the right direction. Then BAM, made redundant. Still doesn’t make sense to this day but again not something I dwell on unless I think about it too much. I was just angry with them, they should never have hired me in the first place if they had an inkling the business wasn’t growing the way they wanted it too. So again I found myself career less with no real idea what I wanted to do. Recruitment wasn’t for me though, how can a person be so disposable?! It was then I decided, I work for the government or work for myself.

Promo has been great, working for lots of fantastic different companies. Pick when I work. My own boss in a sense and I can manage my time. Currently I am an elf, how great is that! Anyway within this time it gave myself, my sister and my sisters boyfriend and idea for a business and so now we are running that. The shop opened last monday and so the past week we have been doing everything to market the brand, whilst being an elf and a law student of course. (Oh yeh forgot to mention the last part)

So the people… yes the people who have been pissing me off this week…. well we have the PCSO who told me it was an offence to swear in a public place, an ‘area manager’ of a previous company me and my sister was contracted too telling us ‘the lawyers are looking into it’ and then today a Security guard telling me I cannot leaflet. All in all… I have had a great week for pissing people off.

Or they are just out to piss me off!

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A week..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Doesn’t sound long does it? A week. If I was dredding a dentist appointment you could bet your bottom dollar that week would shoot round, waiting for a holiday it would no doubtably go slower and then a week away in the sun, well that just comes and goes in a flash. My last week however has felt like 2, possibly 3 weeks long. Its been a whole week since I have seen my gorgeous boy or even heard his voice, its real pain. Email him? I can’t even find the words to do that. My birthday does not only feel like a week ago, travelling down to see him with his cousin and friend feels like a distant memory. Why is time going so slow? 36 of these damn weeks left now. 36! 14 weeks down, we’re not even half way. Just as it begins to feel quite normal the realisation hits me once more. How will I survive? I am missing him so much I cannot even find the words to explain this empty numb feeling right now. Tiredness, both physically and mentally. Not making much sense. My uni books have not been opened. So much to catch up on. The shop opening will do me just right. Time needs to be structured better. I cannot let this built up emotion beat me and stop me from succeeding. My day at work was super busy but enjoyable, I have a good life, a very good life if only the man who I wanted to share it with hadn’t been ripped away from me.

Friday tomorrow, credit day, I need to hear his voice.

Miss him so much!!

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Food is not Love

Posted on by KerryLouise

Ironically my second post in my last blog was relating to diet. Exactly how I am feeling tonight. I have even lost weight since 2012 but I am finding myself a little body conscious again with no real motivation to do anything about it. When he first went to prison I couldn’t eat, now it is completely the opposite. To be honest I get away with eating far too much without much notice in my clothing or scales.  I am starting to feel it now though and my boy does not want to be greeted with Jabba the Hut when he is released. Must step up!

Gaining 5 and a half stone during pregnancy was not the plan. For someone so body conscious and always constantly on a diet, reaching nearly 20 stone at 38 weeks pregnant was a horrific experience. I did not recognise myself, I would get to a certain weight bracket and promise myself “no more” , “must stop eating” but it never happened and the weight creeped up and up. My job as a waitress in a American Diner did not help with my addiction to food, and thats what it was. An addiction. With a partner on nights, no real hobbies and concern of being in public for too long. I turned to food. White bread, chocolate, crisps, pizza’s, whatever I fancied I would just eat. My mind constantly either telling me to enjoy this time eating or get a grip and stop eating so much.

I do regret gaining so much, and the thought of another pregnancy petrifies me. I missed out on having pictures taken being pregnant and none at all as a new mum. I also have the horrific evidence of me still looking rather large on nights out and a fair few stretch marks to go with it.

But  I am now a changed woman, unrecogniseable even no one would call me fat on my 5ft 9 frame. I have my own body hang ups still and I have got alot better but every so often people do need to remind me how well I have done. I dyed my hair from blonde to dark about 3 years ago, and I certainly have alot more confidence. Without a doubt back when the confidence grew I would kiss someone in town at the weekend, if I hadn’t I would hear compliments from strangers. Part of the reason I used to party each weekend was the massive confidence boost getting all dressed up and having a random man call me beautiful. For me even now the dressing up, going out and feeling a million dollars is more fun than the going out itself.

Being a single mum meant my diet was no way near structured , skipping breakfasts, late lunches and toast for dinner is not unusual, but back when I was working in a health club meant I trained as much as I could. I often worked late too and I almost never cook at home. The time I got serious with my man was the only time I started cooking. Something in me made me domesticated, and funnily enough I enjoyed it. I loved how much he enjoyed eating my dinners. His heritage is Jamaican and boy do they love their food. They also very much appreciate a woman cooking for them. A new me. Since he has gone, I know longer cook at home. Not like that anyway. December is a month I won’t get to the gym, some days I wake feeling great, other days not so. I want to get back to what I was before I just met my boy. About 12lbs, I can do it. I will do it.

Starting tomorrow.

#DietStartsTomorrow

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Writing is The Best Therapy

Posted on by KerryLouise

Growing up, I used to write a lot, pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and real life events. It helped me get everything off my chest. No matter how small the problem was , I would sit in my room and just write for hours. As an adult I have hardly wrote, not since it got me in to trouble that is. I kept a small diary when I was pregnant, complaints of tiredness, weight gain and an other half who had the worst time keeping known to man, but nothing worth reading and sharing. I began a blog when I was 26, May 2012 it was, I wanted to talk of the life as a single mother on the dating scene looking for love. It should have been wrote in more but pulling back snippets I can still paint a picture. It is still an interesting read.

Now my man is in prison, writing is something that helps me now too. I remember the first day he went, that very first evening I started a letter to him. I emailed alot, it has died down now as we can talk on the phone and see each other more. Today I received 3 letters from him, it really must help him too. He really does love me, writing is his therapy too.

26th May 2012 I wrote :-

I am a 26 year old single mum,  who has been separated from my daughters father for well over a year. I intend to get my whole life story written about in this blog, whilst letting it flow, making it an interesting read and enjoyable to write. There will be no holding back, somethings I write about I have regretted, been embarrassed about but then others have moulded me into who I am today. This blog is 100% secret, therefore allowing me to talk about personal and even intimate encounters without holding anything back.

I have always been an over thinker, always will be. The mind constantly analysing every situation imaginable and if something doesn’t go my way Lord help me.  It does not switch off, which brings me to this. Why I am here, why I decided to write this ,  and why I need to do it for my own sanity.

…… Heartbroken…….

When I look at the situation and summarise, I think “what the hell woman” …. heartbroken over a man (if you can call a 23 year old a man) who I saw a total of 11 times, YES 11 times. Its ridiculous isn’t it!? This needs an explanation.

I met golfer on a dating website. Ironically I was feeling down about another man who also left me disappointed and deflated. Nothing compared to this though, he was easy to move on from, this is proving very difficult. I first messaged golfer (yes I made the first contact) on the 6th February , we talked all day everyday for weeks and weeks. He was amazed I messaged him first, he even gave him self the label “lucky”. If I am honest his keenness at the start concerned me, I was not sure I wanted a boyfriend, a holiday with the girls was being planned, my close friends were all single. I have just been so used to my life as a single woman. I decided to go with it and saw no harm in dating and having some fun. I know why Chris is different, how he got me wrapped around his finger, he wasn’t all about sex. He never even mentioned it, in fact it was me who prompted our first time which wasn’t until date four, this is completely unusual for me. Especially my experience of the men on plenty of fish. The last time that I remember things being great between us was Good Friday. I went to his in the evening, he lives at home, so meeting the parents was necessary. Everything was great, he gave me a teddy bear wrapped up which included an Easter egg, he was very affectionate making me fall for him even more. Inviting me to his even included the suggestion of eating dinner with his parents. Alarm bells… this is serious.

I was so wrong!

Since then his texts were short, non interested, with no real urgency to see me. Not like previous weeks, I put it down to me possibly over analysing as I really liked him but I knew deep down something was not right. I did not want the “where is this going” conversation, fear of rejection or commitment not quite sure. I just put up with the horrible feeling for 5 weeks, in those 5 weeks I saw him once. He still text me daily but I just knew it was not the same. Eventually I decided enough was enough, I asked him if he had lost interest in me. It took him half a day to respond with a simple “I haven’t Ive been busy” text. Which I felt did not deserve a reply after I had spent the morning in complete tears, completely baffled as to why he did not feel a text explaining how he had made me feel rubbish deserved a quicker if not more a convincing response. Followed from that text was a weekend of no contact, nothing at all… the first time in 3 months we went without a day texting. It was horrible. After me confronting him again saying clearly you have lost interest , blocking him on facebook and twitter, and then deleting his number, we went nearly a week without talking. I missed him so much, the thought of never seeing him again pulled at my heart, tears were randomly spontaneous and more than anything I was just so confused. No explanation just something so great ended for no reason at all. This left me to make a very stupid judgement on someone (that’s for another time) and having sex with this person. I went to the bathroom afterwards and sobbed, all I wanted was to be in that hotel room with golfer, laying naked in his arms cuddling, kissing and laughing. But I wasn’t I was with a hideous man in a hideous situation. Driving home the next day I decided I had to talk to him again, I called my network provider and got his number back (yes it got that dramatic). I was over the moon when we had a conversation. I was drunk and I was excited about the prospect of seeing him once a week with ‘no emotional attachment’. Did not really think of the realisation of those words until the next day. Why does he not what ’emotional attachment’? What the hell changed?! For someone who made so much effort and genuinely enjoyed my company why would he not want something more? All I knew is this way he was still in my life, I knew it would most probably end in disaster, me more hurt than ever but still that happy thought of contact with him was far too appealing than being honest and have him walk away. This was last weekend. Since then he text me first for a few days asking me how my day was, we ended up having sex text (my power) on one of those days, a pointless conversation on another and our last conversation was when he questioned my parenting skills…. and after him saying he was joking, I have heard nothing from him since Thursday..

Why oh why am i still so hung up on him. I remember the man I knew for the first two months, the sweet kind caring made me laugh man. Who took me out and would text me saying “hurry up” when I was on my way to see him, instead I am lumped with a chump who sounds pretty miserable most of the time, had absolutely no right to even mention my parenting skills, and has not complimented me in weeks. I just cannot get the old one out of my head, I remember dates with him and my heart aches. I just want that back, I miss my “good morning gorgeous” texts. I just want to rewind to a day he was sitting on this sofa with me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I figured as I text him last on Thursday he should text me… he hasn’t. Its Sunday evening. I am lonely. I am now awaiting a response to my “how was your weekend” text. Despite being so strong all weekend, despite my head telling me this is the best thing to cut all ties, each day will get easier… my heart overpowered my head….

….. oh god what have I done?!?!

26th November 2014

Reading this present day does not shock me, the male involved shocks me but the emotions I felt do not. Forgetting my current boyfriend, and tequila who I spoke of in last post there has been other men who have made me feel like this since this post in 2012. Why do us women let it get like this? He was no way perfect?! We did by no way at all suit. I latched on to a man who showed me a different interest, and that is all there is to it. He wasn’t sexy, he wasn’t cool, comparing him to who I am with now think he’s Prince William and hubby 50 Cent.

AND he had a small penis. GOD!

Posted in Uncategorized

Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!

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No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

Posted in Uncategorized

Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.