Tag: diary

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in Uncategorized

Day 1 and the Saturday night torture…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Its 10:50pm I havent even opened my text book to revise. What is wrong with me? Instead I feel the need to wallow in my own self pity and look at old instagram pictures of when my life looked fun and I was happy going out partying knowing I would see my man at the end of the night. Big sighs! I’ve been on POF tonight, great. What a disaster that was previously in my life, not quite sure what I thought I would get out of it. I even had the urge to just text that guy from last week something forward and enticing but what the hell is that going to prove? My urge to just have random sex with a random man has now gone and I now have Cher singing to me and that empty lonely feeling. The summer is coming, my exams will be over and there is no way I will be staying in like this every weekend. I am sure it will get me in to trouble but I can’t just waste my life like this. I need to laugh. I need to feel good about myself and socialise with people this is just depressing!

Anyway …

Day 1 has gone well 1,177 calories.

Breakfast – mixed grain crispbreads (bit random but was all I could find)

Lunch – Subway, turkey breast and ham on honey oat week

Dinner – Chicken and rice

Snacks – Salt & vinegar crinkly cheddars (my fave)

I walked 8,383 steps with no exercise. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym and doing an 8k training programme.

I will be looking fab for summer and be out ALOT!!! Why should my life stop because he got himself locked up?!

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy New Year!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

So that’s it , Christmas out the way. Well almost!

Christmas Day went ok, I was awake at 5am. Made me laugh when friends and relatives asked ‘what time was she up?’ referring to my daughter. She wasn’t the problem, it was me! I just couldn’t sleep, she woke at 6am and I then went back to sleep after we had done presents, well a little lay down can hardly call it sleep when you have a 6 year old buzzing around in your face. He rang me in the morning, was unusual for him, usually he calls me lunch time but it was a nice surprise all the same. ‘Merry Christmas baby’ I said,  it just seemed natural, he seemed ok considering and later he admitted Christmas wasn’t THAT bad and he in fact found his birthday worse. I put this down to that fact last year he didn’t really have a Christmas, his dad who lives close to me was in Jamaica, his Auntie was doing something else and so he ended up with a takeaway with his half brother (who can only be described as a waste of space). We hadn’t been together long enough to ‘meet the parents’ so after spending Christmas eve with me, I picked him back up on the eve of Christmas Day. I’m not sure why his mother wasn’t involved around this time last year, they spoke yes but considering this woman has made comments about Christmas not being the same I find it hard to accept she has the same sunken sad feeling as me.

After our very large Christmas dinner I did feel a little low, scrolling through facebook and seeing the amounts of ‘couples’ that were soooo ‘happy’ and soooo ‘lucky’, (whether they are or not is another story of course.) It was hard to see all the same, knowing I would do anything just to spend the evening with him, forget the presents, or the engagement rings just time. The time, would be so precious. My only saving grace was the fact , he would be with us next year. Next year no tag, no cells, no prison phone calls or visits, he would be with us. I can only imagine how other wives , mothers, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, fathers could possible feel if the sentence was longer. Victims in ALL of this.

Boxing Day was ok, made the decision to go out. That didn’t end too well, got too drunk and just far too emotional. I guess it’s a good thing I know alcohol doesn’t help, many people in a situation like this would turn to drink or drugs to help them through it. Not me. They are a depressant, I certainly don’t need anything to heighten this. Laying off the booze is certainly something I will be doing in the New Year. Not that I will miss it anyway. I have changed.

So today is New Years Eve, no longer going to London just a night in with my sister, her partner and our girls. I’m glad. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving all that way today, getting all glammed up and feeling lost and incomplete. Again I can get through this… next year I will be with him, and to be honest just a night in with him on New Year would do me just fine.

We’ve had a big week with the business, some changes will be being made which could mean I can give my man a job when he comes home. Yesterday I got back into my uni reading and I’m feeling pretty positive.

I’m reading a book I found for the Kindle. It’s about a 35 year old man serving a prison sentence for the first time in England, its not brilliantly written but its real. A lot of the stuff I can relate too in a weird way even though I am not the prisoner. It definitely quashes all the tabloids speculations of prison being like ‘holiday camps,’ I may even get my father to read it who made a comment about prisoners living in luxury! Yeh! Don’t get me started!! Anyway this book is written pretty much the way my blog is, and it has prompted me to do the same. There are no books (or any I could find) about prisoners loved ones. Something I can do, and will do. This journey won’t end when he’s out ,won’t even end when he’s off tag, April 2017 will be when his 2 year 8 months sentence will have ended. Even then would it all be over? Only time will tell.

Posted in Uncategorized

Lonely This Christmas..

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s easier than I thought it would be. Well the lead up has been. Being so busy has eased the pain but the worst is still to come. Merry Christmas Eve Eve so they say, not so sure what’s so merry about it. I struggled at the weekend and I had a horrible anxious feeling that something had gone wrong. Picturing the worst. What if he gets more time? Its so easy for someone not going through it to say ‘just move on’ … yeh sounds easy. Not when you are so in love with that person, I don’t want anyone else. Through all his faults, his criminal record and his prison sentence. Its him I want. No one else.

He just called, he misses me, can’t wait to see me, needed to hear my voice. These words never get boring. I am excited to see him tomorrow. Not how I expected my Christmas eve to be however.

This time last year we were all new, only met on the 16th December but we were pretty inseparable straight away. He stayed at mine on Christmas eve and then again Christmas day. I was still unsure about him however, his age, his intentions, was he just using me?, what did our future really hold? It’s ok to be cautious though.

I take from my blog 2 years ago. I think it’s safe to say I am happier now than I was two years ago.

Monday 24th December 2012

Feeling a bit solemn this evening, always the way after a night of heavy drinking. Even worse when you end up 45 minutes away from your hotel with two men who are completely unacceptable and have only had 1 text message from the person you are currently in love with all day. Now I say in love but we all know how quickly I fall.

It Christmas Eve and whilst I am sat here over thinking like EVERYTHING. I have time to explain whats been happening over the past few weeks, it may even help me actually see sense and realise I am completely over reacting right now.

I met D back on October 27th I was out for my best mates birthday in town. I had been to L’s the night before and to be honest I was pretty loved up. BUT after the way everything had been so rocky with him, I figured the fact an attractive bloke approaching me wanting my number without anything being forced upon that night, deserved my number at least. I was honest with him and said I had a boyfriend but then changed it to “seeing someone” which in my defence that’s what it had been. He sent his first message that night, I already knew he was from London and after him telling me I was gorgeous and hot, and that he had to approach me I asked him what he was doing in my town. He said “finding you” , I’d give him that, he knew what to say. I still wasn’t overly convinced I would ever meet him but it is always nice to have someone to text especially someone who thinks so highly of you. At the beginning I barely text him at all, I felt bad on L (my current ‘boyfriend’) and was also unsure on D. Not really my type, he is a black guy but hey they say there is a first for everything. I chatted to him quite a bit the next day, he made me smile and I was intrigued especially with L being so temperamental. I found out his age, the fact he has a little girl and we seemed to get on well. I did fall asleep on him though and I made the effort to text him the next morning explaining that.

Now this beginning of a long long story seems pretty pointless as he’s texting me this evening now. After me texting him at 3pm asking him to ring me when he can but not getting a phone call, this is what sent me into even more of a panic mode. Ridiculous really because when I do go over old messages him ignoring me is something that is not completely unnormal.

Since meeting him I have met up with him properly 5 times. With the first of the dates being on the Friday 16th November, the friday before my birthday. Far too tired to finish this now , but I am going to sleep convinced that he has just been busy this christmas weekend, I will see him again I am sure xxx

Present day

I was so completely in denial it is so embarrassing looking back. I was infatuated by him, he made me so weak. Convinced myself relationships didn’t need to be ‘whilrwind’ or be constantly living in each others pockets. Assumed our relationship would develop and grow into something amazing. The lust I had for him was unreal, I still think about him at times even now. This wasn’t real. What I have right now is real, we just have gates separating us. That won’t be for ever though. This time next year. He’ll be off tag and we can start to rebuild our lives.

Posted in Uncategorized

Writing is The Best Therapy

Posted on by KerryLouise

Growing up, I used to write a lot, pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and real life events. It helped me get everything off my chest. No matter how small the problem was , I would sit in my room and just write for hours. As an adult I have hardly wrote, not since it got me in to trouble that is. I kept a small diary when I was pregnant, complaints of tiredness, weight gain and an other half who had the worst time keeping known to man, but nothing worth reading and sharing. I began a blog when I was 26, May 2012 it was, I wanted to talk of the life as a single mother on the dating scene looking for love. It should have been wrote in more but pulling back snippets I can still paint a picture. It is still an interesting read.

Now my man is in prison, writing is something that helps me now too. I remember the first day he went, that very first evening I started a letter to him. I emailed alot, it has died down now as we can talk on the phone and see each other more. Today I received 3 letters from him, it really must help him too. He really does love me, writing is his therapy too.

26th May 2012 I wrote :-

I am a 26 year old single mum,  who has been separated from my daughters father for well over a year. I intend to get my whole life story written about in this blog, whilst letting it flow, making it an interesting read and enjoyable to write. There will be no holding back, somethings I write about I have regretted, been embarrassed about but then others have moulded me into who I am today. This blog is 100% secret, therefore allowing me to talk about personal and even intimate encounters without holding anything back.

I have always been an over thinker, always will be. The mind constantly analysing every situation imaginable and if something doesn’t go my way Lord help me.  It does not switch off, which brings me to this. Why I am here, why I decided to write this ,  and why I need to do it for my own sanity.

…… Heartbroken…….

When I look at the situation and summarise, I think “what the hell woman” …. heartbroken over a man (if you can call a 23 year old a man) who I saw a total of 11 times, YES 11 times. Its ridiculous isn’t it!? This needs an explanation.

I met golfer on a dating website. Ironically I was feeling down about another man who also left me disappointed and deflated. Nothing compared to this though, he was easy to move on from, this is proving very difficult. I first messaged golfer (yes I made the first contact) on the 6th February , we talked all day everyday for weeks and weeks. He was amazed I messaged him first, he even gave him self the label “lucky”. If I am honest his keenness at the start concerned me, I was not sure I wanted a boyfriend, a holiday with the girls was being planned, my close friends were all single. I have just been so used to my life as a single woman. I decided to go with it and saw no harm in dating and having some fun. I know why Chris is different, how he got me wrapped around his finger, he wasn’t all about sex. He never even mentioned it, in fact it was me who prompted our first time which wasn’t until date four, this is completely unusual for me. Especially my experience of the men on plenty of fish. The last time that I remember things being great between us was Good Friday. I went to his in the evening, he lives at home, so meeting the parents was necessary. Everything was great, he gave me a teddy bear wrapped up which included an Easter egg, he was very affectionate making me fall for him even more. Inviting me to his even included the suggestion of eating dinner with his parents. Alarm bells… this is serious.

I was so wrong!

Since then his texts were short, non interested, with no real urgency to see me. Not like previous weeks, I put it down to me possibly over analysing as I really liked him but I knew deep down something was not right. I did not want the “where is this going” conversation, fear of rejection or commitment not quite sure. I just put up with the horrible feeling for 5 weeks, in those 5 weeks I saw him once. He still text me daily but I just knew it was not the same. Eventually I decided enough was enough, I asked him if he had lost interest in me. It took him half a day to respond with a simple “I haven’t Ive been busy” text. Which I felt did not deserve a reply after I had spent the morning in complete tears, completely baffled as to why he did not feel a text explaining how he had made me feel rubbish deserved a quicker if not more a convincing response. Followed from that text was a weekend of no contact, nothing at all… the first time in 3 months we went without a day texting. It was horrible. After me confronting him again saying clearly you have lost interest , blocking him on facebook and twitter, and then deleting his number, we went nearly a week without talking. I missed him so much, the thought of never seeing him again pulled at my heart, tears were randomly spontaneous and more than anything I was just so confused. No explanation just something so great ended for no reason at all. This left me to make a very stupid judgement on someone (that’s for another time) and having sex with this person. I went to the bathroom afterwards and sobbed, all I wanted was to be in that hotel room with golfer, laying naked in his arms cuddling, kissing and laughing. But I wasn’t I was with a hideous man in a hideous situation. Driving home the next day I decided I had to talk to him again, I called my network provider and got his number back (yes it got that dramatic). I was over the moon when we had a conversation. I was drunk and I was excited about the prospect of seeing him once a week with ‘no emotional attachment’. Did not really think of the realisation of those words until the next day. Why does he not what ’emotional attachment’? What the hell changed?! For someone who made so much effort and genuinely enjoyed my company why would he not want something more? All I knew is this way he was still in my life, I knew it would most probably end in disaster, me more hurt than ever but still that happy thought of contact with him was far too appealing than being honest and have him walk away. This was last weekend. Since then he text me first for a few days asking me how my day was, we ended up having sex text (my power) on one of those days, a pointless conversation on another and our last conversation was when he questioned my parenting skills…. and after him saying he was joking, I have heard nothing from him since Thursday..

Why oh why am i still so hung up on him. I remember the man I knew for the first two months, the sweet kind caring made me laugh man. Who took me out and would text me saying “hurry up” when I was on my way to see him, instead I am lumped with a chump who sounds pretty miserable most of the time, had absolutely no right to even mention my parenting skills, and has not complimented me in weeks. I just cannot get the old one out of my head, I remember dates with him and my heart aches. I just want that back, I miss my “good morning gorgeous” texts. I just want to rewind to a day he was sitting on this sofa with me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I figured as I text him last on Thursday he should text me… he hasn’t. Its Sunday evening. I am lonely. I am now awaiting a response to my “how was your weekend” text. Despite being so strong all weekend, despite my head telling me this is the best thing to cut all ties, each day will get easier… my heart overpowered my head….

….. oh god what have I done?!?!

26th November 2014

Reading this present day does not shock me, the male involved shocks me but the emotions I felt do not. Forgetting my current boyfriend, and tequila who I spoke of in last post there has been other men who have made me feel like this since this post in 2012. Why do us women let it get like this? He was no way perfect?! We did by no way at all suit. I latched on to a man who showed me a different interest, and that is all there is to it. He wasn’t sexy, he wasn’t cool, comparing him to who I am with now think he’s Prince William and hubby 50 Cent.

AND he had a small penis. GOD!