So that’s it , Christmas out the way. Well almost!
Christmas Day went ok, I was awake at 5am. Made me laugh when friends and relatives asked ‘what time was she up?’ referring to my daughter. She wasn’t the problem, it was me! I just couldn’t sleep, she woke at 6am and I then went back to sleep after we had done presents, well a little lay down can hardly call it sleep when you have a 6 year old buzzing around in your face. He rang me in the morning, was unusual for him, usually he calls me lunch time but it was a nice surprise all the same. ‘Merry Christmas baby’ I said, it just seemed natural, he seemed ok considering and later he admitted Christmas wasn’t THAT bad and he in fact found his birthday worse. I put this down to that fact last year he didn’t really have a Christmas, his dad who lives close to me was in Jamaica, his Auntie was doing something else and so he ended up with a takeaway with his half brother (who can only be described as a waste of space). We hadn’t been together long enough to ‘meet the parents’ so after spending Christmas eve with me, I picked him back up on the eve of Christmas Day. I’m not sure why his mother wasn’t involved around this time last year, they spoke yes but considering this woman has made comments about Christmas not being the same I find it hard to accept she has the same sunken sad feeling as me.
After our very large Christmas dinner I did feel a little low, scrolling through facebook and seeing the amounts of ‘couples’ that were soooo ‘happy’ and soooo ‘lucky’, (whether they are or not is another story of course.) It was hard to see all the same, knowing I would do anything just to spend the evening with him, forget the presents, or the engagement rings just time. The time, would be so precious. My only saving grace was the fact , he would be with us next year. Next year no tag, no cells, no prison phone calls or visits, he would be with us. I can only imagine how other wives , mothers, girlfriends, husbands, boyfriends, fathers could possible feel if the sentence was longer. Victims in ALL of this.
Boxing Day was ok, made the decision to go out. That didn’t end too well, got too drunk and just far too emotional. I guess it’s a good thing I know alcohol doesn’t help, many people in a situation like this would turn to drink or drugs to help them through it. Not me. They are a depressant, I certainly don’t need anything to heighten this. Laying off the booze is certainly something I will be doing in the New Year. Not that I will miss it anyway. I have changed.
So today is New Years Eve, no longer going to London just a night in with my sister, her partner and our girls. I’m glad. I couldn’t bear the thought of driving all that way today, getting all glammed up and feeling lost and incomplete. Again I can get through this… next year I will be with him, and to be honest just a night in with him on New Year would do me just fine.
We’ve had a big week with the business, some changes will be being made which could mean I can give my man a job when he comes home. Yesterday I got back into my uni reading and I’m feeling pretty positive.
I’m reading a book I found for the Kindle. It’s about a 35 year old man serving a prison sentence for the first time in England, its not brilliantly written but its real. A lot of the stuff I can relate too in a weird way even though I am not the prisoner. It definitely quashes all the tabloids speculations of prison being like ‘holiday camps,’ I may even get my father to read it who made a comment about prisoners living in luxury! Yeh! Don’t get me started!! Anyway this book is written pretty much the way my blog is, and it has prompted me to do the same. There are no books (or any I could find) about prisoners loved ones. Something I can do, and will do. This journey won’t end when he’s out ,won’t even end when he’s off tag, April 2017 will be when his 2 year 8 months sentence will have ended. Even then would it all be over? Only time will tell.