Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Uncategorized

Day 1 and the Saturday night torture…

Its 10:50pm I havent even opened my text book to revise. What is wrong with me? Instead I feel the need to wallow in my own self pity and look at old instagram pictures of when my life looked fun and I was happy going out partying knowing I would see my man at the end of the night. Big sighs! I’ve been on POF tonight, great. What a disaster that was previously in my life, not quite sure what I thought I would get out of it. I even had the urge to just text that guy from last week something forward and enticing but what the hell is that going to prove? My urge to just have random sex with a random man has now gone and I now have Cher singing to me and that empty lonely feeling. The summer is coming, my exams will be over and there is no way I will be staying in like this every weekend. I am sure it will get me in to trouble but I can’t just waste my life like this. I need to laugh. I need to feel good about myself and socialise with people this is just depressing!

Anyway …

Day 1 has gone well 1,177 calories.

Breakfast – mixed grain crispbreads (bit random but was all I could find)

Lunch – Subway, turkey breast and ham on honey oat week

Dinner – Chicken and rice

Snacks – Salt & vinegar crinkly cheddars (my fave)

I walked 8,383 steps with no exercise. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym and doing an 8k training programme.

I will be looking fab for summer and be out ALOT!!! Why should my life stop because he got himself locked up?!

Posted in prison

Prisoners …. Open you eyes

The book I am reading and the conversation regarding the prisoner who died on new years eve has got me thinking about prisoners as a whole.

As of 19 December 2014, the prison population is 85,406.  In 2009 (according to the Guardian) 8,500 were former servicemen. The media and social networking sites will praise these men on a daily basis, yet they make 10% of our prison population. So for all you tabloid readers who see prisoners as nothing but scum, it’s worth rethinking isn’t it. Prisoners come from all walks of life, top managing directors who may have made a wrong decision could be in there for fraud, a lorry driver who took his eyes off the road for 1 minute could be in there for death by dangerous driving, or a vulnerable female who was used as a scapegoat for a drugs gang could find her self with a hefty sentence for possession of a class A drug. The majority are just like you and I, made a wrong decision in life and are paying the price. Ask yourself this, have you ever broke the law? Got away with it? Drove when you have been over the limit, looked at your mobile phone whilst driving or skipped a health & safety feature whilst at work. All these things are done daily, if they go wrong. You would be labelled a criminal or worse, a killer! A man was sentenced to 6 years in jail today for driving home from the pub, using his mobile phone then killing a 27 year old woman in a head on collision. Tragic. He deserves punishment of course, but this could have easily been anyone of us and he has a family who will suffer too. Now don’t get me wrong most prisoners crimes are of course pre-meditated but do these all make them horrible people?!  I know of individuals that have done a lot worse and spared jail, so before judging, think about this…. It could be you. It could be your son or daughter who you thought would never get involved in anything so illicit. It could even be your parent, your grandparent even, would you think of them any differently?

The next topic worth considering when thinking about the prisoners in our country . More than 70% of our prison population have a mental disorder.  Is it any wonder there are so many re-offenders? If you don’t end up in there because of a mental illness its quite likely you will leave with one. That’s how these people get so caught up in the prison system.  They don’t get rehabilitated, they get ill. As I have said I feel lucky that I do not have to worry about my loved one in there, he is pretty high spirited considering. It doesn’t mean I didn’t worry because my gosh I did. His dependency on cannabis scared me thinking he would turn to something harder, with it being a lot easier to get hold off than you’d think. Someone had died within his first week from a legal high and whilst watching a documentary a self confessed heroin addict admitted to getting hooked whilst serving term, and it being the first time he had even tried it. Worrying thought isn’t it? If you are worried about about your prisoner there are people to contact who are from what I have heard usually pretty good.