Tag: relationship

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Lonely This Christmas..

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s easier than I thought it would be. Well the lead up has been. Being so busy has eased the pain but the worst is still to come. Merry Christmas Eve Eve so they say, not so sure what’s so merry about it. I struggled at the weekend and I had a horrible anxious feeling that something had gone wrong. Picturing the worst. What if he gets more time? Its so easy for someone not going through it to say ‘just move on’ … yeh sounds easy. Not when you are so in love with that person, I don’t want anyone else. Through all his faults, his criminal record and his prison sentence. Its him I want. No one else.

He just called, he misses me, can’t wait to see me, needed to hear my voice. These words never get boring. I am excited to see him tomorrow. Not how I expected my Christmas eve to be however.

This time last year we were all new, only met on the 16th December but we were pretty inseparable straight away. He stayed at mine on Christmas eve and then again Christmas day. I was still unsure about him however, his age, his intentions, was he just using me?, what did our future really hold? It’s ok to be cautious though.

I take from my blog 2 years ago. I think it’s safe to say I am happier now than I was two years ago.

Monday 24th December 2012

Feeling a bit solemn this evening, always the way after a night of heavy drinking. Even worse when you end up 45 minutes away from your hotel with two men who are completely unacceptable and have only had 1 text message from the person you are currently in love with all day. Now I say in love but we all know how quickly I fall.

It Christmas Eve and whilst I am sat here over thinking like EVERYTHING. I have time to explain whats been happening over the past few weeks, it may even help me actually see sense and realise I am completely over reacting right now.

I met D back on October 27th I was out for my best mates birthday in town. I had been to L’s the night before and to be honest I was pretty loved up. BUT after the way everything had been so rocky with him, I figured the fact an attractive bloke approaching me wanting my number without anything being forced upon that night, deserved my number at least. I was honest with him and said I had a boyfriend but then changed it to “seeing someone” which in my defence that’s what it had been. He sent his first message that night, I already knew he was from London and after him telling me I was gorgeous and hot, and that he had to approach me I asked him what he was doing in my town. He said “finding you” , I’d give him that, he knew what to say. I still wasn’t overly convinced I would ever meet him but it is always nice to have someone to text especially someone who thinks so highly of you. At the beginning I barely text him at all, I felt bad on L (my current ‘boyfriend’) and was also unsure on D. Not really my type, he is a black guy but hey they say there is a first for everything. I chatted to him quite a bit the next day, he made me smile and I was intrigued especially with L being so temperamental. I found out his age, the fact he has a little girl and we seemed to get on well. I did fall asleep on him though and I made the effort to text him the next morning explaining that.

Now this beginning of a long long story seems pretty pointless as he’s texting me this evening now. After me texting him at 3pm asking him to ring me when he can but not getting a phone call, this is what sent me into even more of a panic mode. Ridiculous really because when I do go over old messages him ignoring me is something that is not completely unnormal.

Since meeting him I have met up with him properly 5 times. With the first of the dates being on the Friday 16th November, the friday before my birthday. Far too tired to finish this now , but I am going to sleep convinced that he has just been busy this christmas weekend, I will see him again I am sure xxx

Present day

I was so completely in denial it is so embarrassing looking back. I was infatuated by him, he made me so weak. Convinced myself relationships didn’t need to be ‘whilrwind’ or be constantly living in each others pockets. Assumed our relationship would develop and grow into something amazing. The lust I had for him was unreal, I still think about him at times even now. This wasn’t real. What I have right now is real, we just have gates separating us. That won’t be for ever though. This time next year. He’ll be off tag and we can start to rebuild our lives.

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Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!

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No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

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Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.

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It feels like Christmas….. visit day

Posted on by KerryLouise

Any prison girlfriend or wife will know this feeling. I have woken up so excited that today I get to see my boo. The first visit I was full of strange emotions, nerves, excitement, unsure, worried and even a little scared. Today though I just feel excited. Even though he has moved and I again have to learn the procedure of this new ‘hotel,’ it’s ok. Last time I fell completely in love with his gorgeous smile and eyes all over again. Giggled every time he called me beautiful and made a comment about wishing he could just freeze time and take me in the toilets. At the weekend I hated him, had so much I wanted to say today, I hope I don’t forget them. I had calmed down by Monday afternoon and pulled myself out that negative shell and was back to just feeling like a small child at Christmas, just so excited to open my present. I received a letter last night, I love receiving letters. He sounds much better telling me the courses he’s going to be doing, the fact he’s at the gym every day but also his usual stuff of ‘stay loyal’. I feel OK about my mistake, after all he made a mistake at the beginning of our relationship. That does not seem to matter any more, it no longer eats me up. I got him back, we are even and we are in love. I wish I could take a notepad in with me, with a list of things I have to say to him, even just a piece of paper. Prohibited items apparently, like everything is.. not sure what they think I could smuggle in a piece of paper mind. He mentioned that none of his friends had wrote to him, tells me things are going to change with them but then asks me to get their date of birth for the visiting order. I don’t think so sunshine. They won’t be able to get to you here, and I am certainly not taking them. I made a promise to his mum that I will not play taxi and I most definitely will not.

Right best get my act together today is the day !!

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Learn from your mistakes…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I did it… I made a mistake. The alcohol got the better of me and all the bad thoughts I have been thinking of this week made me crazy. I felt sick this morning, so angry with myself. Why? What the hell went through my head. I made a decision and I made the wrong one. I knew I shouldn’t have drank. Wish I could re-wind time. I messed up. Ruined it all. I wanted to tell him, thinking he would understand. I know I couldn’t tell him because it would kill him. I’ve been so lonely, scared of the amount of time apart, scared of what could happen when he does come out. Scared, angry, lonely and all I want to scream at him is ‘this is all your fault.’ He is selfish, selfish for ending up in there and it effecting me too. I did not ask for this. I am the innocent one here yet it is a punishment that does affect the innocent too.

On reflection I calmed down. It isn’t something I can change, and me and my ‘friend’ will continue as normal like nothing happened.  I think sometimes we have to make such mistakes to remind ourselves how it makes us feel. I don’t want anyone else, I want him… and he’s not here.  If everything was perfect, it would never have happened. If he had treated me continually with respect, if we had never fought where we bruised each other, if he hadn’t of disrespected me with other girls it would be different. The fact he received oral sex from another girl at the start of our relationship still plays on my mind alot. The conversations he had with other girls previously that I saw all over his phone literally killed me. I gave him a second chance yes but it still happened. I had been nothing but loyal. It even hurts to know he had one night stand the night after he met me and it was that girl he went back to whilst we were ‘happy’. He held his hands up and told me it went no further than oral because I came into his head. I threatened to ask the girl the truth and he swore down that was the case. In reality I don’t know this but I believed him.  I think about how things would be if it was me in there. If he was the one who was free to make choices on the outside. Would I trust him?! Would I hell as like trust him. Given half the chance and if there was a half decent female screw, I think he would even do that. His sex drive is far too high to turn anyone down and go 12 months without sex. For me it isn’t the sex that’s the easy bit to turn down. It’s being touched. Feeling a body next to mine. Feeling a mans touch on my bare skin.  Last night showed me more so that no one elses touch would be like his. No other man would compare with the way he is, the way he looks. To me he is the most beautiful man in the world and I wish he was here. I wish so very much he was here.

I am not condoning what I have done at all, it was wrong we should never have kissed but I am not going to let it eat me up enough so I feel like I am not a good person. I am a good person, I just make the wrong choices some times. On Wednesday when I go to see him I will put it out there that if he EVER disrespects me or if he continues to behave like he was in my previous post then I will be gone. I just cannot continue the same life we had previously. He needs to grow up. He needs to be a man. I have a lot of thinking to do as well, will I go 12 months without sex? Will I get weaker? I need to not drink and not put myself in a situation where sex could be possible. I just hate all this!!!

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When your phone rings…

Posted on by KerryLouise

.. and you have a boyfriend in prison. It’s a different feeling. I recognised the area code and answered as quick as I could. The voice on the end of the phone wasn’t a familar one, it wasn’t him, an unusual voice asking to speak to me. My heart stopped for a while, you always think the worst, Is he hurt? What has happened to him? What is going on? The male officer introduced himself and told me very politely that my inmate wanted to know if I had got a visit sorted. I relaxed, it was nothing serious. On reflection though I know how desperate my poor boy is for him to ask an officer to make such a call. It is surprising that the officer did this as most wouldn’t have, so I have learnt. The call was ended by me confirming my visit day and the voice told me that my inmate wanted to see me before I went on holiday. Now it makes more sense. I go to Ibiza in 10 days. It is something that is playing on his mind. I mean of course it would. What man would even like there girl going on holiday to Ibiza whilst they were still around, let alone a man being locked up with little chance of communication and not to mention the fact we havent had sex for a month by the time I travel.  He needs reassurance, and although I have given him it, it seems he still needs more. I received a letter from him this week. It broke my heart hearing how his heart has stab wounds, ice cold stitches, like he could die if he took another blow. Hearing how he feels so lonely and he doesn’t want to stop me from having fun, yet he is scared because he has told me how much he wants to marry me. I just want to hold him and tell him he has me 100%.

This time last year it would have been different. I was having lots of meaningless sex with different people, some I would get a little attached too but mostly I was just using and abusing exactly the way men think they can do to girls. I had learnt from my own broken heart how to show front, not care, not get attached, if a man didn’t call I would just find a different one. Whilst I was in Ibiza last year I had 4 men ‘waiting for me’ in England texting me saying they wanted me when I got home. I had options, this felt good. I didn’t want any of them, not really, not like that. Just good for some attention and maybe some good sex. My friends joked ‘dunno how you keep up’ they would say, nearly messed up a couple of times I tell you but it’s easier for us girls. Anyway despite having one man feeding me with the ‘I want a relationship’ line I was not about to commit to him and I was no way holding back from the fun I could have in Ibiza. Having my heart broken by the first black man I had ever slept with sent me crazy. It changed me. I wondered why I had never had sex with a black man before. I began to find them so incredibly attractive and they seemed to like me too. Sex made me feel powerful, I enjoyed sex and I felt confident doing it. Knowing men was enjoying it gave me something to feel good about and I would literally spot a guy and if I liked what I saw I would make it my challenge to get it. Now I am happy in a relationship I look back and think ‘how did I do this?’ ‘how did I not care at all?’ In reality I did care, the Sunday nights alone, the evenings when the alcohol had wore off and I would stare at my phone just wanting someone to care for me properly. My close friends all shared the same views on sex, often my best friend would text and say ‘we should slow down’, I know she felt low at times too. Too blinded by all the alcohol, partying and random sex that we didn’t face the true reality of just wanting to be loved. Do not get me wrong, I do not regret anything I did. It was fun, we laugh about our sexual encounters alot still now. Men do this all the time and get away with it so why couldn’t we?! But I am much happier being in a relationship. A relationship which is real, where the sex is amazing every time. Where I let him see all of me without feeling shy. No games. No bullshit. A real relationship that has a real future….. after he is released from prison that is.

One of my ‘encounters’ in Ibiza took longer than the others. I mean this in the sense I had met him at the start of the holiday. I originally thought he looked far too pretty and full of himself which turned me off. My friend had a holiday romance with his friend. ‘Mate the fit one by the pool is his mate’ I remember her saying to me in the club, I had other ideas. The brummy one with a gold tooth, tick! He somehow sneaked me into his hotel and we had rough good sex, he didn’t satisfy me sexually but mentally he did. Telling him I wanted him over my face does crazy things to a man… they love it! My work was done. The next day my ‘partner in crime’ had kept hold of her holiday romance and his fit friend stuck around with us too. He wasn’t as big headed and up him self as he originally seemed. The boat party we were making sexual advances at each other throughout the duration, the beer was flowing and I knew he would be next on my list. That night it didn’t happen, the alcohol all wore off by the time we ended our night and the flirtatious advances had stopped. The day after we spent the whole day at the beach before we went to an evening event, whilst getting ready for the evening he invited himself into my shower. I freaked out! Was it the lack of alcohol? The fact his cock looked huge or because I was completely naked. I do not know!! But I did… I turned him down. We walked to the venue with my friends calling me a complete idiot for turning such a fitty down. I was kicking myself too to be fair. They were going home that NIGHT!! When the drinks starting flowing again, so did my confidence. He was no doubt-ably the best looking man there and when a young black female pointed this out to me in the ladies toilets I knew I had to have him. She used the words ‘your man’ .. it turned me on. The pornstar martinis talked for me, ‘I’m having you tonight’ I told him. He was dubious, I had already turned him down after all. I got my way though, we dragged his friend and my two friends back to the hotel an hour before he had to get on the coach. They sat patiently at the bar whilst we went upstairs and did what we had both been waiting to do since we met 2 days previously. The alcohol was in me, the confidence was there and my power came back. He made sure he did what he set out to do, men love a facial. Hearing his words ‘that was amazing’ and the way he looked at me, I knew I had succeeded in what I set out to do. My friend couldn’t believe the state of the room, the bed had moved and we joked about where the deed was done. It was funny, and again something I do not regret in the slightest. The regret would have been if I hadn’t of done it. He went home, and about 2 hours later I had found another victim to be told ‘how great I was.’ I came home and for a while my antics didn’t stop in Ibiza. In fact I had a man lined up the night I got home. It was a never ending cycle.

It wasn’t all harmless though which I will talk about in more detail some other time. It often got to the point where I was sick of all the meaningless sex, sick of not being cared about properly and just sick of idiots half being in my life. I have a close male friend who is doing the exactly the same as what I was doing last year and even he admitted tonight that he wants just that one person to settle down with. It is programmed into our database, we all want love no matter how many times we try and convince ourselves we are ‘happy being single.’ It’s a lie.

I can see why my boyfriend would feel sick and anxious about letting me lose in Ibiza again but I can hand on my heart say he has nothing to worry about. Why would I risk something so great for something that may make me feel ‘ok’ for just a short while? I just wouldn’t. My time of being that person is done.

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Get me off this train…

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s the problem with train journeys it gives you time to think.. it is even worse when 3 trains get cancelled so you have been sat at the train station just getting upset. Thinking and more thinking. I just wanted to get home!

My head is all over the place at the moment, this morning I felt so positive about everything. Tonight though, there’s a difference and I can’t really put my finger on it. The train journey got me thinking about my relationship, I miss him so much that there’s a physical pain. It’s deeper than a normal emotion, I struggle to think how it will ever get better. When will this pain be healed?

Since meeting him I cannot say that it has all be daisies and butterflies because it really really hasn’t and this evening has got me thinking … Why have I stuck around? Why have I put up with so much? Is it and will it be all worth it? On positive days I think yes, that all this was meant to happen, that the fights we have had previously are just an explosion of how much we each care, the passion that we both feel and we will one day have a very good life where we could take on the world if needs be. A life where we are that in love, we never ever under appreciate each other again.  I think positively about the times he disregarded my feelings, it was all just the greed he had for what he was doing, he wasn’t respecting me or us because he had different goals. Different aims. It changed when he got arrested, he stopped doing what he was doing and spent more evenings inside with me. That is when our love grew. I even told him that I am glad he got caught because he is a much nicer person to be around, however this wasn’t always the case. He still went out, all night on some occasions. He still chose drink and cannabis over me and I felt a constant battle to compete with these things. There was times I was so hurt, angry, worried, scared, miserable, disappointed, unhappy that I just wanted to walk away. I would build up the strength, telling myself it was the best thing to do but as soon as I saw him I became weak. Weak by his touch, by his words, and by his promises. I justified the bad behavior after his arrest because he had a lot going on in his head. He was, I guess living his final evenings like it was his last. It was hard on our relationship beings he was on bail pending a custodial sentence, it isn’t a situation I would wish on anyone. A constant dark cloud moving around following us, we would laugh, smile but it would always be there. The worry of the unknown.

Let me give you a snippet of what life was like pre-arrest… 

Sunday 19th January 2014

Sat here once again on a Sunday evening crying and for the umpteenth time in just over a month waiting on the person who is meant to be my boyfriend! He went to London last Monday and I have missed him so much. Tuesday I was hurt after absolutely no contact from him at all. I found myself constantly thinking about him and yet I obviously did not even cross his mind. Him and I are different to what I have had in the past , we are together more often than not but rarely have conversation via texting when not together, but a ‘good night’ message wouldn’t go a miss. I even saw he was online on Tuesday evening but I guess whoever he was talking too was more important than me. Wednesday came and I had a suspicion he may have ran out of battery without a charger, but that’s no excuses for the evening before. I hate game playing but equally I hate not hearing from him in over 24 hours. I made a point by ignoring him when he finally did get in contact, he sensed I was  doing that and I finally caved in. I didn’t want to make a big issue out of it, wanted it to be one of those things we just don’t discuss because we don’t need to. For us both to know that in future a little bit of contact isn’t too much to ask. Hopefully me showing him how I felt the day before was enough to not experience it again. But No, it ended in a row… His smoking weed and being with his mates was far too important to speak to me on the phone. Arguments with him are always pointless and yet they seem so regular, tonight has really showed me that I just cannot put up with it anymore. I have had far too much hurt this past year or 2 I cannot let me self set up for anymore! I change when he talks to me, I’m like I was when me and my ex was splitting up. I get so angry, I feel my blood pressure rising and I actually want to hit someone or something. Most of his argument when he’s talking over me makes absolutely no logical sense and he just doesn’t learn!! Tonight’s argument is once again about his actual lack of being able to tell the time or even know what a minute is in relation to an hour. It also began because he cannot be specific and he treats me like a drop in centre. He tells me he’s coming back on Sunday, with talk of me cooking Dinner, one would only assume he means at least before tea time. I have to ask him what time and after not accepting an answer of ‘tonight’ he gives me a time of 8:30 -9. I’m angry, I tell him I’m busy now. That I will see him Tuesday! Of course that’s not what I really want, but deep down I KNEW 8:30-9 wasn’t a normal persons 8:30-9 it would most definitely be a lot later than that. His argument was that I should trust what he’s saying and he’ll prove it to me. See how I feel like a drop in centre or a sidey, story of my life!! How many men have come to see me at times past 10pm, I thought he was different. I thought this was different. He is then telling me to calm down and I need help, only angers me more. That’s exactly what my mother used to say when I was growing up, looking down on me like I’m some psychotic. He does that thing as well where he repeats a question, Is that just all men?? ‘Well stop asking the same question repeatedly and let me fucking answer’ Jheez …. Is it any wonder I am the way I am when someone cannot have a proper conversation with me. Anyway after a pointless argument he promises me he’ll get the 7:50pm train ! I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I had calmed down and figured if he does that he would still get to me for 9:15pm. I ring him, he’s not on it, he acts and plays dumb. Apparently he didn’t realise I meant that train, then he changes his story and says ‘you know man has had to wait’ … Um NO how was I meant to know. He promised me, and I made it clear if he wasn’t on it we would be over. Obviously not enough to get him on that train or at least text me when he knew he wouldn’t be on it to say sorry. The argument then was horrific, I get so angry… I want to chuck my phone, I want to do something that will hurt him exactly the way he is me. He then proceeds to ask me ‘what is your problem?’ , nice move, just nice move. I want him around me I really do, but I cannot put up with this! If he had woke up this morn and said ‘babe got some things to sort out won’t be with you till late’ I would be cool, so cool. It’s the fact my whole day has been wasted and I’m angry!! ANGRY!! Most recent conversation was he was getting the 8:34 , well it’s 8:52 and I bet he ain’t on it! What grown woman seriously puts up with this?! He needs to grow up and get some structure in his life !!”

Unfortunately this all happened oh so regularly .. on wednesday 16th April 2014, I explained another situation. “Apparently he’s getting the 10pm train. It won’t happen! I know it won’t. What kind of relationship is that? He assumes he is just staying at mine and then this comes with consequences. Nights like tonight for example, I have no idea what time he’ll be ringing the buzzer to get in. It’s not fair. In just the 4 months we have been together so much has already happened. We argue regularly and they are fiery and recently have been violent. Then on the opposite end of the scale the love we have and the passion we share just cannot be described. He angers me so much, I would ring him and its excuse after excuse how its not his fault. How I should trust what he says, but its hard to trust when he constantly lets me down. He hangs up on me, talks to me like shit. Literally in tears, so angry and upset that he thinks it is ok to treat me like this. I feel like this at least once a week. I HAVE to be strong, I just HAVE too. About time I met a real man, with a real job and career prospects. Loving this one has left me nothing but hurt. I wrote more the next day .. Thursday 18th April, so he got the last train home which got him into the town for 2am. He still went elsewhere till 3am, didn’t even come straight to me. This then left me unable to sleep till 4am, he then woke up late for work and I ended up taking him. He tried to cuddle me, apologise, but I didn’t want to hear it. A stressful horrible evening and it happens far too much. I go on about how I imagine life without him, no stress, no worries, no fears of him ending up in Prison for something or another. Haha I just knew didn’t I.

Another occasion that sticks in my mind was the weekend I met his mother, the week before he had promised me ‘a night in’, in fact had told me to cancel any plans I had so we could spend the night together. He went out! Left me home alone, once again treating my like a drop in center. I could not believe the audacity of him, his behavior was completely unacceptable. It showed me how childish he really was. Yet he was the one who got angry WITH ME when I would not let him in at silly o’clock in the morning. I gave in in the end after he through stones at my window to get my attention. So he then decided he wanted to say sorry to me and we made the decision to go to London the following weekend where ‘he would make it up to me’, ‘this weekend is all about you’ he said. Pfft that weekend was a DISASTER!! The friday night he went out for just an hour, came back at 2am and drunk! Let’s not forget here that I’m in his mothers house of whom I have just met. I didn’t get too upset, I tried to understand that he was just catching up with friends etc. The next evening though was UNFORGIVEABLE!! He goes to the shop, I asked him to be quick so we could leave at 9:15pm to meet my best friend and her boyfriend by the Thames for a drink. At 9:45pm I call him and he tells me ‘5 minutes’, we wait, I drink, his mum is apoligising. He doesn’t turn up. In the end I go on my own, I get silly drunk and end up being very sick. Who does that to another human being?! What actually goes through his mind? It is definetly acts of selfishness and that night he completely let me down and embarrassed me. I am glad his mum saw his behaviour and I admitted that this happens all the time.

When I read over older posts I think of so many separate occasions he did this to me, nights I would ring him repeatedly like a woman possessed. He changed me, he had me wrapped around his finger and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted him to leave me alone but could not bare the thought of him doing that. I was that infatuated with him, I believed everything he said when he told me it wouldn’t happen again. We would argue about him not being on time, before he was even late, I just knew it would happen. I would be awake all night petrified of what could have happened to him, where he could be? what he was doing? and he would just come back when it pleased him apoligising once again. The weekend we went to Brighton was a big weekend, I couldn’t believe he even wanted to go out the evening before, after I had just had his brother threaten me in my street. But he did, and he said he wouldn’t be out late, he promised me a time and it got to 1am and he was no where to be seen. His phone was off, I was sick with worry and panicking massively that he would not be back in time for our day trip to the beach. These days out were crucial, creating memories before the day he went to prison. CRUCIAL. It meant far too much to me to just be able to sleep. He came back at 6am, I had had no sleep and once again he managed to make me the one feel bad. Anyway the day in Brighton was so brilliant. It was a really great family day out, with my sister and her family. It is still a day that today we all talk about and reminisce about. That evening he nearly went out again, I felt sick. I was so tired from the night before and just wanted to sleep next to him in my bed. He told me he would go when I had fell asleep but that just wasn’t good enough. Thankfully we didn’t get back till real late and so he stayed with me. The next night he changed again, he was like the devil, not like him at all. Left me anxious and angry once more, 40 missed calls for him to answer 1 and say ‘You dont fucking give up do you’ and then hang up on me. Why?! Why was he talking to me like this? When will my luck change? When would a man respect me for me, and treat me right?! It was then after this weekend it all got a lot better. It was like something clicked in his head, he spent most nights with me, came over the times he said he would and it was obvious we are very much in love.

Re-living all that was hard, but it has felt good to get it all down. I remember saying to him a couple of times when things were real bad that I was actually looking forward to the time he was going. Knowing that all that would end. No more ringing him constantly, no more feeling sick and anxious whenever he wasn’t with me. Just an end to all that waiting around, not knowing what was going to happen on sentence day. At least now he is in there we can draw a line under it all when he comes out, start afresh, live a proper life like a real relationship.

All this sounds like a horrific relationship but something kept me close to him. It must be his eyes, his smile, his beautiful face and that gorgeous dark skinned body. How much I can see that deep down he bloody loves me, that sometimes we both just react too quickly. I remind myself of his age, 7 years my junior and maybe sometimes he just does not think. Not that he is selfish, or that he doesn’t care because I know deep down this man is a sensitive soul. He is not afraid to share his feelings with me, not afraid to tell me he would literally die for me. He can easily make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and feel more in love and happy than I have ever felt before. I forgive him easily after an ‘episode’, we would have great passionate sex and all the bad stuff would just be forgotten and I just could never imagine my life without him.

Maybe that train journey wasn’t so bad after all…