Today I was weak..

But I need to not beat myself up. I had a conversation with him.. did I get out of it what I wanted? No not really. Did it make me feel any better? A little bit. I wish I could hate him, like really hate him but I just don’t. It’s normal to grieve a relationship but there’s something very different when your grieving from the traumatic events from a relationship from a narcissist. I heard again that he only went there because she was ‘being nice to him’ and I wasn’t. I found myself almost sympathising with that again.. no no I had to bring it back. Truth is I was only being nasty because I didn’t want to be with him anymore and he had his chance to leave and be with ‘someone nice’ but he continued to lie and try and deceive me. There’s no explanation for that. He apologised, he said it was killing him, that he missed me, that he ‘fucked up’. Truth is he’s only feeling these emotions now because it’s now affecting him. He didn’t give a shit when he was doing what he was doing or when he was denying me in front of the old bird. I knew she was older, she looked it. Makes a change he usually goes to teenagers, this time someone 13 years older than him. Poor cow. Apparently he told her he can’t do this anymore, that’ll be a lie. Either she’s saw some sense through her desperation or it hasn’t ended at all. I don’t believe a word he says. I told him I felt sorry for him, that he won’t find another me. That’s when he bought up our good times in a desperate attempt to say I wouldn’t find another him either. I told him straight though I’d rather be in a relationship where the sex wasn’t as good or the good times were not so fulfilling than continue with someone like him where the disrespect was rife! He tried to defend himself and say it wasn’t as bad recently as it has been but that’s only because he’s completely unaware on what level of respect a basic human being deserves let alone the mother of his child.

Relapse number 1. I can do this! Erase his thoughts from my mind, I can never ever EVER be with him again so just checking in to see that ‘he still cares’ is pointless!