A letter to my ex ..

I am so incredibly tired but tonight I have more on my mind that has been on my mind in a while. Well I say a while but that only means longer than I am used too. I am now 9 days clean! Clean of him .. clean of his bullshit and clean of his control.

Problem is, he still has control now, by not allowing me to sleep and be peaceful that is still control. Previous events are popping into my head too much and I’m dealing with post traumatic stress I just know it.

It’s times like this I would ring him, just to shout and swear and tell him how insanely awful he is. It made me feel better, he’d apologise and make empty promises but it was just for a fix, it was still his hook.

He doesn’t realise the damage he has caused, but he will. Oh he will. Why should I ever care how much he is hurting? He never did me! Why should I care that he won’t see his daughter? He was never bothered anyway unless it was about me. That last time I saw him and allowed him to stay over, why did I care at all how sick he was feeling?? I had a fucking caesarean and he didn’t care and disappeared. I should not ever care! So …

To my ex,

I know deep down you know I deserved better, I know deep down you wanted everything you promised to be but there is something so innately toxic and negative about everything you do, that your promises and love was never ever sustainable. You’ll do everything you could to blame me, but I wasn’t to blame I never was. You are a true narcissist, every definition of narcissist describes you down to a T. You are a text book abuser and it’s amazing how a known personality disorder actually makes me feel pretty darn good about myself. It wasn’t me it was you! It was fucking you!!

When things are not going your way you tell the world that I abused you. Funny! You do not know what love is or what a real relationship is. I pity you and feel sorry for you. Your mother, can say what she likes about me but I have evidence she has always told me I deserve better than you and I can sleep well at night knowing she will take this to her grave that she defended a son she can never turn round and say. ‘I am proud of him.’ I understand she should be there for you and blood is thicker than water but calling me a liar and lying about me to social services is ABUSE! She knows the number of times she’s told me I deserve better than you, the hours of conversations where she was supportive of ME, sympathising with ME, she helped me hide my Ibiza trip from you knowing how you would react, was disgusted when she saw how you reacted, she’s felt just as hurt and upset as me knowing you turned back to the very things that put you in prison in the first place. She can visit you in prison in the future because your criminality is only destined for one place and that isn’t the fantasy you tried to sell me with. What was it ‘I’m retiring the streets soon and I’m going to whisk you off your feet’ .. been hearing that for 10 months. At least the time got more realistic, it went from stopping next week to soon. Lost count how many times you said ‘next week’. Breaking promises is ABUSE. Saying one thing and doing another is ABUSE. When I questioned your statements since they never delivered before, I was then emotionally tortured for not ‘trusting you’ or ‘believing you’. ABUSE! Are we understanding better?

I don’t believe you understand exactly how much you put me through. You felt like all your actions were justified and that I was just as bad and you know what, if that really makes you feel better about all this now carry on. By not accepting what you’ve truly done to me you will never ever ever be any good for anyone and I am glad about that.

You will never be truly happy and you don’t deserve to be. You do not deserve our beautiful sweet smart kind innocent little baby. You had endless chances to be a father, I begged with you and pleaded you for support and help. Yes you love her but only when it suited you. Where was you when we needed you? When I was recovering from a c-section, when I had mastitis and when I just wanted to go to the gym! You played the best dad in the world, only when it suited you! I could never rely on you, you even forced me to drive 140 miles just so I could go to work. You made me not put her in nursery but let us down and could never be relied on to watch your OWN daughter. You criticised me for taking her on walks, you told me you felt sorry for her having a mother like me and you told me I didn’t love my own flesh and blood. Are you well?

You slipped up, many hide their true colours from others. You were incapable of that. Social services, our daughters nursery all see you for what you really are. Promising  you ‘will do what it takes to be a family’ but never ever sticking to your word. You couldn’t even do it for your daughter!

I had to hear you say ‘I will tell her what you did when she is old enough’ no sweetheart I will tell her what YOU did. What did I actually do ? Really? The only thing you would say is ‘you don’t work with me’ and you ‘don’t talk to me correctly.’ Once again leaving me to unpuzzle what the hell I was doing wrong.

How is someone like me meant to work with you? You’re a criminal!  Yet you called me lazy, a fat plum who does fuck all. You screamed how respect needed to be earned, wow just wow. Funny how that got to me so much, made me want to explode even when I knew the truth! ABUSE!

I tried to help you change, I believed you were ready for change over 100 times. I believed I was the reason for this abuse, believed I deserved it. You told me once I lost my baby weight ‘you’d have me back’, told me I was too fat for you, told me that I pushed you to it all! Oh I believed you, believed you for so long.

You always promised a fairytale but delivered nothing but nightmares, pain and torture. ABUSE.

You would promise days out, dinners, even a bath time with our baby and either not turn up completely or be insanely late and shout at me for being upset! ABUSE!

Shout at me for buying the wrong bin bags! Shout at me for not washing up right! Shout at me when you noticed a dirty mark on your clothes! Remember that time I got all dressed up ready for my first night out after our baby was born and you promised you would come watch your own baby and just didn’t turn up. How cruel! How vile! Keeping me isolated! ABUSE!

Promise me money and then never give it to me ABUSE! Blame me and my ‘actions’ as to why you are not paying your way or for your daughter ABUSE! You’d scream and shout about how you hated me, I made you sick, I was a joke and you couldn’t stand my voice. Tie me up in knots so bad I could have shot my self in the head just to untangle them ABUSE!

Be sulky or moody because of something that’s happened in your day and that meant you could say ‘I don’t want to talk to you right now’ or ‘get off my fucking line you Dickhead.’ ABUSE! Lying constant is ABUSE. You would lie about things that there was no reason to lie about and when I dug deeper and challenged you you would flip out , ABUSE.

You smashed up my phones – multiple times. Punched 3 holes in my walls. Punched my face!! , ABUSE. How many fat lips did I get? You bit my face, punched my legs, that time you punched me hard in my ribs. Oh no I walked into a door didn’t I ?! ABUSE ABUSE ABUSE!!

Physical abuse you understand, well to a certain extent , what did you say to me most recently ‘baby we had a fight.’ No baby you drove me so far with your degrading emotional torture that I was pushed to retaliate. Knowing that once I retaliated I would get hit harder and then the words would stop. You would be sorry. You think mine was in anger, you’re mistaken, mine was in fear of my mind. I needed to get you to stop and a punch from you usually did the trick. Remember the time I cut my arm? Even that didn’t make you stop.

You live in a world where you think men have automatic rights. Rights to tell me what to wear ‘it’s not control’ you say ‘I’m teaching you.’

Listen I’m not a child for you to teach or punish. How many times did you sit me down to ‘talk’, your idea of ‘talking’ was you telling me what you didn’t like about me.  What you felt that I had done wrong, you did it in intimidating way and got close to my face so I couldn’t move. You were impossible.

You also think you have rights to my body, admit it, you did, if I said no I was abused some more. You’d sulk, you’d swear and you’d say whatever you could to mentally and emotionally hurt me. Remember that time at your mums when you wanted sex in your sisters bed, My daughters were awake!!! I said no and you reacted by telling me I made you sick and that you didn’t want my dead sex anyway. You went mental and when your mother heard the shouting and found out what was going on she told me I could have gone in the bathroom with you, no!! I said no!!! You then continued by saying I wasn’t on your page, screaming shouting at me. Your sister witnessed this all and was disgusted but no you continued! I remember crying so hard just staring at myself in the mirror not having a clue why you was being so mean. ABUSE! Then you almost let us down with winter wonderland and caused issues there because we had to wait for you! CONTROLLING ABUSE! Remember the other time I said No when you had been cheating again. You thought it was ok to just tell me the other girl was lying, you wasn’t at hers and I should believe you. I’m ALLOWED TO SAY NO!!!

Narcissists feel entitled to peoples trust despite how many things they’ve done to lose that trust. That’s you! Me saying no doesn’t make me a slag, remember that! Me saying no doesn’t mean I had someone else! Me saying no does not give you any right to make me feel the way you have done in the past. Your abusive nature that day was enough to get the police called, that’s how far you pushed me! I’m ALLOWED to say NO! When I give you my body BECAUSE I want no more of your abuse , that is wrong and that is ABUSE!!! You need schooling! You need to understand, it’s my body and by me not wanting to share that with you does not mean I don’t love you enough or I am not good enough or gives you a reason to threaten me with other girls! Doing that is SEXUAL ABUSE.

My phone , is my phone! Scrolling through my phone book. Looking at my social media, smashing it up, hiding it, fighting me for it, forcing me to hide it when you came over ABUSE. How many fucking times did you fight me for my phone?? You fucking absolute weirdo psycho mess… asking me who people are because they are a new contact in my phone book. Didn’t matter that you disappeared for 2 days prior, and I was telling you I didn’t want you, you felt the right to go through my phone. What did you say ‘men can do things women cant’ .. that is wrong and you are an ABUSER!!

Telling me I am only good for one thing and that men will only want me for what is between my legs is ABUSE. Laughing how I’ll end up alone is abuse. Telling me I’ll always have these problems with men unless I sort myself out is abuse. To tell me you love me, you can’t ever lose me, that you’ll never find better than me but then show signs of disrespect and that you hate me is ABUSE! To promise and swear I am your world but be cheating and lying is ABUSE!!

The fact you can go to sleep at night knowing the states you get me in to is ABUSE! Knowing I had no clue where you were and would be going out of my mind especially since we had discussed the way it made me feel many times. How many fucking times did you do that? Disappeared !! Told me ‘on my way baby’ and DID NOT FUCKING COME that is vile ABUSE!! The infidelity was fucking chronic, even when I begged you to leave me alone you would just do what you want with whoever would have you, but never ever let me go. ABUSE.

How many other girls were there?? How many times did you run between me and another, begging my forgiveness but making out I was a psycho to whatever new one you had! Abuse! Something very dark and twisted about a man who wants to live a double life. You went out your way to do it, not giving a shit who you hurt in the process as long as your ego was good. It was only ever about you!!

Not only manipulating my mind but others too, ‘I haven’t touched you in months’ you screamed, humiliating me in front of others ‘you need to move on’ GOSH. Do you hear yourself? … yet less than 24 hours prior you was in my bed!! Promising me your world! You’d then get me on my own again and you say ‘sorry about that, let’s go for a drink.’ What is wrong with you? You are not well! You can’t be! A drink, are you crazy?

I’m expected to accept it, accept it was my fault, I pushed you to it you apparently and you think I should just be ok about it. I had flowers and texts from another man whilst we were fucking separated and I was left with a smashed phone, cut up flowers, bruises and a hole in my wall. Do we see the double standards here?? Good!

You would tell me you would kill any man who would touch me but chose to only be around when it suited you to touch me yourself. You are a pathological liar, so convincing, so definite and if I doubted you, you got angry. When I found you out, you got angry again and called me jealous and a snake. Something so cruel and twisted about a person who can cheat on another person then instead of apologising you’d torture them some more. ABUSE.

The sorrys always came later, the sorrys you felt obliged to be accepted and If I didn’t accept them you abused me some more. You had no regard for me at all, with that first one you had me hanging on a bit of string, promising me you was leaving her, that you loved me. I had your newborn baby for god sake and you treated me like a fucking toy. ABUSE.

You think by me saying ‘I want to meet someone else’ was abuse, but no my friend you can’t call something abusive when it is a product of your actions!! Why would I not want too? You made me feel that way. Truth is I was ashamed, ashamed at how badly you treated me, but not now. You wouldn’t treat an animal the way you treated me.

I want a man who would spend time with me and not deal drugs. I want a man who doesn’t use any excuse to go fall in another girls bed. I want a man who makes me feel good, not worthless not alone and not trapped. A man who would never say ‘I will break your fucking jaw’ just because you got angry about me questioning why you wasn’t sticking to your promises. Yes at times you were amazing, we connected, what do you say ‘best sex of your life’ ‘there’s just no emotion with anyone else’ ‘soul mates’ ‘ying and yang’ but that’s all fucking fake. The nice you is fake. The nice you is only when it suits you and when you want to feel good. The hypocrisy when you called me fake, or told me I sold you a dream. Your double standards are rife ! You gaslight, use projection, hoover and other abusive traits that everyone should educate and read up on. Like I said text book abuse!

God I really could go on! Are you even getting the picture yet!? The last time we spoke I heard all the same lies and promises. You miss me, you are broken, alone and can’t lose me. You even mentioned me having another baby with you! ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY???

I actually thank you.

You told me that your most recent ‘mistake’ has fucked up your life. I’m fucking thankful, without your infidelity the best I would have from you is a faithful abuser and funnily enough I don’t want that either.

I thank you for being that damaging. I am thankful for all that this has taught me, I won’t EVER be disrespected again. I know what is acceptable now! I’m thankful you gave me enough hell in a short space of time, stopping me wasting more years of my life.I also thank you for my daughter, my girls kept me going when you made me feel like I no longer wanted to live. She will learn how powerful and strong her mummy is. Whilst dealing with the stuff you called ‘love’, I kept my fucking shit together and was the best mum I could possibly be.

I am better off with out you. Our 14 month old is too. You can carry on your life knowing you destroyed the only woman who will ever love you the way I did. You ruined your own life, and believe me darling it wasn’t just your ‘mistake’ !! But you’ll carry on blaming anyone you can because that’s exactly what narcissists do!

No longer yours,

The girl who finally had enough!