Tag: dating

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Aftermath of trauma..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I am struggling. It’s all a process and ok I don’t feel as angry (apart from with the stupid interfering skank who thinks she knows the man I’ve known 4 years) but I am suffering with my own thoughts.

I spoke with M again last night. It’s nice to talk to him but even that bought back memories of my abuser. I remember him calling me July 2016 and I admitted I was pregnant. That day my abuser was terrible I had to run out of my own home with my daughter. He was on a mad one and just being vile. Telling me the baby probably wasn’t his, being cold and distant. Told me he doesn’t fancy me anymore and going mad about an incident that happened with his vile cousin. He had not came home all night after promising he wouldn’t ever do it again just 6 hours prior and I didn’t want to let him in. Not sure why I did. When I try and explain my story I actually can’t even describe how he abuses me the only way I can explain it is … at the time I could EASILY stick a gun in my head to end it all. Anything to not feel or hear what was going on at that given time.

Another time he rang me it was Father’s Day 2017 and it was the day after I have a voice recording of him stopping me from wearing a certain item of clothing. (Which btw someone from a woman’s aid type institute couldn’t believe how abusive he was) . His behaviour was again so so unreasonable, all week I had been explaining that I needed some money towards bills. He was promising me £60. I explained that without it I simply couldn’t pay for us to go out to eat for Father’s Day. I had to walk out, I walked out and rang his mum. His mum was very supportive and agreed he was being outrageous and needed to grow up. I wrote in my notes on my iPhone of what he was saying… ‘Joke mans gonna have to pay for my own Father’s Day .. like what did you pay for my birthday and what did you get for your birthday .. exactly .’ My response was ‘What this dickhead fails to see is!!! If he fucking contributed to my bills I could pay for stuff but money doesn’t grow on f’ing trees! Also back in September he was an awful awful person .. lying cheating scumbag and cheating on me so why would I buy him ANYTHING!!

So ungrateful, so unappreciative and where was he on Mother’s Day!! Oh yeh that’s right JAIL!! ‘ When he is like this I literally CANNOT DO ANYTHING right! Instead of saying ‘babe I’m going to take our baby to my nans’ he talks indirectly and I’m tiptoeing around him hoping he doesn’t fly off the handle and asking something wrong. Muttering constantly how things are a joke. Omg I can still feel the feelings, I watch myself being so pathetic and scared. He then controls everything, the time we leave, the fact I have to take him, he dictates when I pick him up and he is a fucking selfish asshole animal!! He thinks he’ll one day get me back!! OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY!! I am angry that he still thinks this, angry that the cunt writing letters doesn’t even realise how he was STILL adamant he loves me!! They need to both fuck off out my head!!

Don’t get me started on what he did on his birthday in 2016. Makes me sick and anxious and my own thoughts send me insane thinking of that day too! I can watch my own life like a film. I’m not coping! I have a doctors appointment on Monday, I need help! I drove to a meeting this morning and at 2 points in one of the roads I saw a film of me and re-lived the feelings ! What the fuck is this , I actually could avoid certain roads ! Too many raw awful disgusting memories. Christmas last year was AWFUL! I wasn’t as strong as I am now and if I’m honest the most traumatic events are older ones and I just need January here! Actually February that’s when I move, right now I cannot see me EVER being able to be amicable with him. I tried so so hard to but as explained countless times it wasn’t possible.

I fucking HATE him!! HATE him so so much!!!!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I am better than this

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t shake it from my head I want to badly to ring this fool and tell her to get her pointy nose out of my business! 2 months you’ve known him and he was sleeping with me the whole time yet you call him your ‘partner’. You messed up individual!

I am so so angry that she even had the audacity to think that her shitty words on a piece of paper would even stand anywhere against all the mountains of evidence I have. He told me she loves the cocaine maybe that’s what it was for. Extra drugs from him. He told me she was constantly asking him if he’s seen me, whether he still loves me, questions after questions. I intimidate her clearly!! She told him about her ex and how she has trust issues so kept asking him to confirm their relationship. Obviously he told me he got annoyed by her and fucked her off but that ain’t in his nature. He won’t have. He told me he admitted he still loves me to her, that’s no doubtably bullshit too and clearly this ‘letter’ is her desperate needy pathetic attempt at trying to make her look like his guardian angel. Dumb bitch all you’ve done is make it worse because I will NOT be made out to be a liar and I will NOT allow my daughter around someone like him nor someone like you! Coke loving abuser sympathiser! This is highlighted how toxic, how manipulative and how much of an abuser he really is. Already got his next supply he’s love bombing, already disrespecting, since EVERY opportunity he has it has been about me. He’s fed her a pack of lies and I will be dammed if I even allow contact in a contact centre. He isn’t safe, he isn’t sane and he will ruin my baby girl too just like he ruins everyone else !

She mentioned in her letter how he’s never intimidated her. I’m glad you think your small experience of him overpowers my 4 years of knowing him. Abusers only turn abusive when they don’t get their own way, maybe you’ve just been a wet lettuce and allowed all his disrespect. Well that’s evident since he was sleeping with both of us at the same and you CLEARLY know about that. Also he obviously doesn’t give two toots about you, he has no need to be jealous, controlling or intimidating. It’s been 2 months, you’re just a bed to sleep in , a body to fuck you have NO right to tell me that my ex partner is not abusive.

But I will not rise to her. The reactive person in me wants to react and go for her. Tell her to mind her own business and tell her how desperate he was for me yesterday. But no the smart me will refrain, she will learn, I will just give the evidence to the police and carry on. I don’t want that disgusting human and I hope you get pregnant and get beaten up again!! Then we’ll see how strongly you feel that ‘he is not this man I make him out to be.’

Nearly day 1 again of no contact and I even sent my daughter with his number on the ripped up piece of paper to school so she could give it to the family support worker I’ve been working with. I didn’t want it in my presence ! It’s evidence to the police and his ‘I don’t care about being arrested’ can be put into practice now. Hopefully the police are coming to take my statement tonight .

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This is just a rant ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

At times I can take a step back and analyse the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that my abuser is a extreme narcissist. It is so deep rooted that I don’t even have to feel concerns that to everyone else he is respectful and honest because he isn’t. He has no consideration for anyone else, whether that be a taxi driver, a friend, a family member, his child or his lover. In his world, it’s him who comes first!

Other times all I need to do is one big rant!! This morning was the child protection conference I am only thankful in every sense of the word that I have professionals who believe me. Imagine fighting this where no one believes you, it would drive me to complete destruction. Suicide even! Luckily he isn’t credible, always being arrested, letting people down and even today when he was told to stay in a room he ignored that request and came out. Following simple instructions isn’t ok for him, unless he’s the one in control then he can’t function right. Just him walking out that room and me having to walk past him was enough for me to STILL feel controlled!!

My rant goes like this … it came to light today that he has raised concerns over the fact he believes I neglect my baby! Him and his dysfunctional poor excuse of a woman Mother. As far as I am concerned that is it they won’t ever have any contact. His mother KNOWS what he’s like and the very fact he has now gone against me means she has no place in my baby’s life. She’s disgusting and she should take one hard look at herself, you raised this man. You help mould him, and despite you being well aware of everything he does you have defended him. Scumbag!! Why would I want my daughter ANYWHERE near you, I will protect my girls till the day I die and make sure they are never ever disrespected by a single vile human being in a relationship ever in their life!

It’s laughable that they actually think that would get them anywhere. LAUGHABLE!! I wonder if he will turn up at court on Monday and appeal my non molestation order. I wonder indeed!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Empower me..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Only a quick one tonight, I had many thoughts going through my head today so I wanted to record them somewhere. Mostly some pointers for future blogs as right now I don’t really have the time to go into them in depth.

I wanted to talk about the ‘other’ side of my abuser. My previous blog (unless you’ve been involved in a similar relationship) really screams ‘why!!’ I think to many! Why stay !? What was I doing? I need to explain all the charm side to this harm to make that understandable too because the truth is… even professionals do not understand. I have spoke to a police woman who really really got it, unfortunately she had experienced it too but she got it. It’s namely those professionals in social services and from my child’s school and that is worrying, that is something that NEEDS changing and NEEDS recognising! My social worker told me today that he’s now saying that I’m lying and trying to ruin his life, not only is that incredibly laughable but it is also incredibly stupid on his part. Better for me but stupid for him. He’s given me more ammunition to clear my fucking name and prove that what he’s done has been nothing but a constant cycle of manipulative lengthy disgusting abuse. So for that I thank him, he’s helped break his control HIMSELF! Let’s not forget that my last conversation he owned up to everything, pleaded sorry and I even felt ‘guilty’ about his arrest. Truth is you cannot believe a word he ever fucking says , NOTHING he EVER says is the truth and that is so destructive. He’s only acting this way now because he can’t actually handle the fact I now FINALLY have a boundary, he cannot cope with how alien this feels to him and how he has well and truly lost me. He’s clutching on to anything he can to try and protect himself as that’s all that matters in his mind. Him!

Another point worth mentioning is .. my social worker said ‘you’re doing good you’re out of it now’ , that is SO far from the truth, it’s worrying that these people actually think this is the way it works. I corrected her ‘no I am getting better but I am under no circumstances ‘out of it’. The fact he’s calling me a liar doesn’t phase me, I expected it. If he saw me tomorrow he would do EVERYTHING he could to hoover (another term professionals should educate themselves on) me back up, and would do that without a second thought. It’s inevitable. Maybe not tomorrow, but 6 months , 2 years whenever I need to prepare for that time… because he will.

She then said ‘ok but I will help you’ again I had to correct her ‘no you will not!’ You have done a pretty shoddy job of doing anything so far and that isn’t a reflection on her but a reflection on the resources available. The sunflower centre is an organisation that helps women who have suffered domestic abuse. I ask the same questions to the police, social services and even to them … what can you do to help me? The truth is .. yes they can arrange an injunction (done that) help me into a refuge (don’t need that) help put safety facilities in place (my flat is secure) but they do absolutely fuck all with the stuff that really keeps me hooked. Securing my flat is only as good as I let it, even an injunction is the same unless my mind is where it needs to be, there is nothing any one of these professionals can do. This got me thinking, my book ‘I mean it this time’ I can and I will help empower women, help them mentally break that cycle. I will use my experience to help make a difference and get rid of that stigma that still is attached to women who are victims of domestic abuse. I can run workshops I can find tools that will really work because currently there isn’t anything like it available. My local council have something called the freedom programme , there’s MUCH better literature out there and there is a gap in the market. I will win, and I will show anyone who has looked down their noses at me what domestic abuse really means and how advice of ‘don’t let him in’ really just doesn’t cut it. If my experience helps at least one woman in the future they I will feel like I have achieved.

I end on a positive. I have a bloody brilliant job which I love, everyone I meet speaks highly of me and everyday I am healing. Dips are normal but I am healing! I made the decision that I would attend the child protection conference in the morning. I am not going to ‘like’ it, the majority of people in the room are so uneducated on this subject it’s scary but you know what. Who cares! I know what I’ve been through, I know what is real and what isn’t , life isn’t just about ticking boxes and following protocols. I could have hidden ALL this from every single one of them but I spoke up! I have proof of that. Instead of judging me they should be praising me. I am me, I will never ever be made to feel less adequate than anyone else in my life so bring it on!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a day!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday I had a down day. If I had his number still I would have rang him. Crazy how I still seek happiness from the very person who has destroyed me! I was super tired though and slept quite well.

Today I’ve had back to back appointments and then bumped into him in the supermarket in the evening!! Omg I wasn’t prepared! Of all the places to bump into a sofa surfer like him .. a bloody supermarket shopping for groceries with his equally as vile mate!

So this morning I had a visit from the domestic abuse team and it was good to talk. As much as I don’t like talk talk talking about it , I like talking to people who are in agreement with me and are knowledgeable about the area. ‘Yes domestic abuse’ and ‘yes that’s control.’ Without that and without my writing and reading I spiral again into wanting him. Missing him too!. Talking with professionals, reading books around the area and my writing is what reinforces in my mind that NO this has not been right and not been right EVER. To just say oh he calls me a slag, takes my house keys and is late home doesn’t really have the same effect unless you go into the full story. He really is a text book abusive man!

I then had a meeting with a life coach. Very interesting, he asked me when was the last time I felt truly happy. I couldn’t answer! I literally don’t know! I’ll speak more of this another day.

The afternoon I had something quite intense and emotionally draining to attend which I rather not go into at the moment maybe in the future when I am ready.

On the way home I pop into Asda to grab some milk, toilet roll, custard and sticky toffee pudding… you know essentials! First I see his mate, he went to smile at me, I looked at him cold. All I could think was ‘omg’ and I’m glad I looked good! Lol. I wanted to just get out the supermarket, then I saw him at the checkouts packing some shopping! Shit!! I got to self service and scanned my 4 items quickly hoping he didn’t see me with my back to him. I add my 5p bag and start packing. Then he’s there!!! ‘No need to jump’ he said. I’m feeling anxious, scared almost… scared of my mind and the manipulation. He’s soft and kind. Asking me when can we talk, what is there to talk about?! Lots he says, I want to say sorry. I tell him that he’s said sorry and ask him what is he sorry for. I want to know, I want to hear him say it. Hear him admit to the abuse he’s done and the trauma he’s caused me. He’s putting his hand on my waist. What is he doing??? He’s in my personal space. He tells me that I’m looking well, ‘I know’ I say. I had to be strong, he asks when can he see baby, asks me to ring him so we can talk, asks what I’m doing weekend. I explain he needs to go through social worker and I’m out all weekend. Gosh he won’t like that, he has no control on that one!!

I’m gutted. Wish it never came to this. Wish it never never got so bad. Blame myself again, maybe if I placed more boundaries or wasn’t so accessible every time he did me wrong. Maybe if we had just had a break, like a proper one. Months maybe years. I need to focus! It’s not my fault, and a man like him won’t ever change!