Tag: exercise

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in Diet, exercise, Running, training

Easing myself in .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tuesday, Wednesday AND Thursday this week I ran for an average of 20 minutes. Well I say ran, it wasn’t a full 20 min run, it was 1 min running, 1 min fast walking. Like my app told me. It did something though I could feel it the next day, just goes to show how out of it I am at the moment. 

Today the app told me to brisk walk 1.6km, i smashed that due to a leafleting job I was on. I can’t believe how many hills I had to climb either. In total I covered a 12km distance and fully deserved my tea of chicken and rice. 

I’m trying to fight the urge to not go to the shop. My craving for Dr Pepper is insane right now. I can’t wait for these cravings to stop. Sunday I am leafleting again so it justifies the fact I cannot get to the gym all weekend. Next week diet must be better!!

  

Posted in Uncategorized

My jeans don’t fit !! 😩

Posted on by KerryLouise

I knew I had caused SOME damage but pulling up my size 10 high waisted jeans, today showed me exactly how much damage! I couldn’t do them up!

Has that stopped me eating?! Nope!! I have been worse today than yesterday!! Worse today than Saturday even. Feeling pretty miserable about it. I can’t have my jeans not fitting me!

I did complete my first run this morning. It wasn’t far but it was what the Nike+ app had instructed me to do for my training plan. It went better than expected but as I assumed a lot of work needed. Writing today off and tomorrow is a new day. Goodbye Sugar you evil substance!!!

image

Posted in Uncategorized

Sat on the Sofa like a potato

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s been a while since my last post.. I merged a blog to this one.

Ok maybe potato was a bit harsh! BUT it has just been Christmas (2 weeks ago 🙈) and I am back to living with a man after 16 months. (Reason? Well thats for my other blog! 😉) I don’t care what anyone says, being content and having a man around who can literally eat what he likes is torture on your figure! Well it has been on mine. I had a very busy December with work and this week with a sick daughter I haven’t been to the gym since November!! NOVEMBER!!

On Wednesday I took the plunge and signed up for a half marathon in Birmingham on 16th October. I need help! I am not a complete stranger to running as I have completed the 10k race for life 2 years on the trot. However, last July when I Crossed that finish line at Hyde Park within 1 hour 7 minutes, that was the last time I have ran. It’s been 6 months!! 6 months! I honestly don’t think I could run to the shop right now without wanting to stop. I am starting from scratch!

Now for the cringe bit. I have just been looking at old pictures of myself from 2008-2011. I was massive, even my friends will look at the pictures and be gobsmacked not remembering me being THAT big. I look at these pictures and think ….. ‘Why did I even go out?!!’

So this is my blog to follow my journey into being in the BEST Shape of my life.

Tomorrow i will reluctantly do my measurements and weight and then Sunday (Because mentally I can cope with this better- I will explain tomorrow) and then I’m doing this !!

Here’s to no more coach potato 😜

Posted in Uncategorized

Food is not Love

Posted on by KerryLouise

Ironically my second post in my last blog was relating to diet. Exactly how I am feeling tonight. I have even lost weight since 2012 but I am finding myself a little body conscious again with no real motivation to do anything about it. When he first went to prison I couldn’t eat, now it is completely the opposite. To be honest I get away with eating far too much without much notice in my clothing or scales.  I am starting to feel it now though and my boy does not want to be greeted with Jabba the Hut when he is released. Must step up!

Gaining 5 and a half stone during pregnancy was not the plan. For someone so body conscious and always constantly on a diet, reaching nearly 20 stone at 38 weeks pregnant was a horrific experience. I did not recognise myself, I would get to a certain weight bracket and promise myself “no more” , “must stop eating” but it never happened and the weight creeped up and up. My job as a waitress in a American Diner did not help with my addiction to food, and thats what it was. An addiction. With a partner on nights, no real hobbies and concern of being in public for too long. I turned to food. White bread, chocolate, crisps, pizza’s, whatever I fancied I would just eat. My mind constantly either telling me to enjoy this time eating or get a grip and stop eating so much.

I do regret gaining so much, and the thought of another pregnancy petrifies me. I missed out on having pictures taken being pregnant and none at all as a new mum. I also have the horrific evidence of me still looking rather large on nights out and a fair few stretch marks to go with it.

But  I am now a changed woman, unrecogniseable even no one would call me fat on my 5ft 9 frame. I have my own body hang ups still and I have got alot better but every so often people do need to remind me how well I have done. I dyed my hair from blonde to dark about 3 years ago, and I certainly have alot more confidence. Without a doubt back when the confidence grew I would kiss someone in town at the weekend, if I hadn’t I would hear compliments from strangers. Part of the reason I used to party each weekend was the massive confidence boost getting all dressed up and having a random man call me beautiful. For me even now the dressing up, going out and feeling a million dollars is more fun than the going out itself.

Being a single mum meant my diet was no way near structured , skipping breakfasts, late lunches and toast for dinner is not unusual, but back when I was working in a health club meant I trained as much as I could. I often worked late too and I almost never cook at home. The time I got serious with my man was the only time I started cooking. Something in me made me domesticated, and funnily enough I enjoyed it. I loved how much he enjoyed eating my dinners. His heritage is Jamaican and boy do they love their food. They also very much appreciate a woman cooking for them. A new me. Since he has gone, I know longer cook at home. Not like that anyway. December is a month I won’t get to the gym, some days I wake feeling great, other days not so. I want to get back to what I was before I just met my boy. About 12lbs, I can do it. I will do it.

Starting tomorrow.

#DietStartsTomorrow