sociallife – Page 4 – Behind These Bluest Eyes

3am Lasagne

Posted on July 8, 2016 by KerryLouise

It’s 3:30am and I am wide awake because I feel so angry. This is why I care less, it just makes this bullshit easier to cope with and then as soon as I let my guard down slightly I get fucked over once again!

Dominic totally over-reacted earlier because I didn’t want to facetime, he’s still in London as he has been all week and he goes into self-pity mode which is ‘why do I bother’, ‘you wonder why I’m not nice’ and ‘you just throw it in mans face.’ Like seriously?? Because I didn’t want to facetime???

It then got worse he asked me for his facebook log on and OK maybe I delayed my response on purpose slightly but I was on the school run and I did think ‘no fuck him he can wait.’ The amount of times I’ve had to wait on him it wouldn’t hurt him to wait just a few fucking minutes. The truth is he cannot deal with things that do not go his way. I was called tapped, he told me that I won’t be the one laughing and even said how when his daughter asks why he’s not with mummy he will tell her that its because I don’t do anything for him. When I told him to stop texting me as it was upsetting me too much he just replies with ‘Stress can cause deformity’. It can’t… but even the fact he can say that to me and has said it to me numerous times you have to question what type of person he is. Emotional abuse and yet the only one to ever cause me any stress…. is him!! I don’t think he’s well, what normal rational person would behave like this over facetime and an email address like really?? I then just called him because all this texting was stupid and as normal it was just back and forwards words on who can hurt each other more, even though I must say this time I just took it well as much as I could tolerate.

We were then on the phone for way over an hour, some of it was ok but alot of it was just more stress. Bought up how he doesn’t feel like I want a future with him, how he hasn’t even touched me in 2 weeks (baring in mind he’s been away a week and the week before I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with someone who talks to me so badly). He also said how it’s just boring between us these days and we don’t laugh together anymore. When will he accept responsibility for this??? When will he realise thats words like that do not help the situation and equally take note, I’m fucking pregnant and when his idea of fun is going out and getting wasted that doesn’t leave me much choice but to be ‘boring’. There was some other bullshit but it just goes round in circles and it’s pretty pathetic and in all honesty it just shows me how unstable he is. His need for love and affection is crazy, he says all this one day but the day before he can say the complete opposite. I’ve told him he should speak to a professional as he has been through a bloody lot but seriously I question how much more can I take.

The conversation did end on a plus and he was planning to come back tonight. I called him at 10pm and said ‘I can’t wait to see you’ , sometimes you have to just sweet talk these type of people, I know it keeps him sweet. It was a genuine feeling though. His battery was about to die (shock) and he said to send the train times to his sister. I wake up at 1:57am and try and call him … phone dead (no surprise) and he’s obviously not here. Annoyingly though he had text me at 2am from his sisters phone but because I put my phone down and tried to go back to sleep I did not realise until 2:50am.

“babe I didn’t make it but I’m getting a lift home ok love you so much. Ps: Don’t eat the lasagne. Sweet Dreams”

Well no shit sherlock obviously I know you didn’t ‘make it’, but why?? Why am I not his priority? Why leave it till 2 fucking AM to send me a text that quite frankly shows I am just a second thought! See now I am writing this I’m wondering if I am over-reacting, at least he text (theres been a million and one times where I havent even got that), but my point is….. I haven’t seen him for a week. What could have possibly been his reasoning for ‘not making it’ and I tell him like a fucking fool how I couldn’t wait to see him. He moans at me for throwing his kindness back in his face… what has he just done to me?!?!

Well his lasagne can go in the bin, notice how I don’t get a time on tomorrow either and knowing him it’ll be late. So much for him wanting to spending the whole weekend with me. I’m working saturday so he can stay there…. I’m not being disturbed again tomorrow night. He disturbs me being here, disturbs me when he’s meant to be here and isn’t and I am much better off just not expecting him and just having him not around me at all. Then he gets all emotional when I say I’m not missing him…. why would I miss someone who does this?? I’m used to being on my own and I much rather be on my own with no stress. I don’t stress as there is no wondering where he is or what time he’s going to show up. I don’t have to fear what type of mood he’s in and I can watch what ever I want on the TV. Oh and not to mention the whole bed to myself.

4am now and I’m still not tired at all, had some more lasagne before I even wrote this lol… perks of being pregnant right.

Wish I had some chocolate !!

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Explosion!!

Posted on July 5, 2016 by KerryLouise

I don’t know any other way to put it other than today the beast of the mother in law and myself came to blows!! I wish it hadn’t of happened over the telephone but it did, and it has and now I just need to get over it and hope she drops any stupid grudge she has against me too.

I explained briefly on Sunday that there was some animosity between us, she’s lied in the past. She’s behaved distant and just plain odd previously and our relationship just became pretty strained and I never understood why. Early on she was like my rock, we spoke alot and helped each other through the grieving process of him going to jail then something changed.

In February 2015 she told me some things that explained it all. I don’t actually blame her for having these thoughts after all he is her son and I am 7 years older than him with a daughter from a previous relationship but I just explained that being in a relationship does not mean he cannot still have a life. She implied I would hold him back basically, that he was too young to settle down and he has his whole life ahead of him. It was hard to hear but it didn’t turn into an argument on the phone at all. The vibe between us just changed. Other things added to this too, like the time she lied about even booking a visit to see him, ignored my text messages, told my best friend one thing and me another. It was all just strange and I figured I was better off away from it.

Baring in mind I have not even spoke to the woman since January but I hear from her daughter that yes she doesn’t like me and its for all the things she has previously said to me about controlling visits, pushing her away and trapping him. PLEASE!! During the second half of his sentence I didn’t even go to see him much, she could have visited no problem.

Today it came to blows, she denied ever saying any of that stuff to me back in February and I just could not believe what she was saying. HOW? Just HOW can someone bare face lie about something like that. I called her a liar, I told her she was poison she said some things about how she didn’t need to bow down to every word I said. But hey ho whatever, she can continue being bitter. It’ll be her loss when she isn’t involved in her granddaughters life the way she should be!

In fairness she did end the conversation saying we need to draw a line and I agreed but I still don’t feel welcome. I still don’t feel like I particularly want to visit there with my baby, but thank the Lord she lives far away.

At the end of the day her son loves me and she needs to just accept that. Yes he’s been an asshole in the past but so have I and what we don’t need is other people adding even more strains to our relationship. Boy we’ve been through enough and what it always boils down to is me and him. No one else matters other than me, him, my eldest daughter and this new little baby I am growing. As long as we are all happy then fuck the rest!!

I almost feel like I’m justifying his behaviour since his release tonight. Maybe I am, maybe I am just accepting that we’ve had it bloody hard. Survived a prison sentence, where I did meet someone else during and then fell pregnant within 2 days upon his release. Men struggle when their women get pregnant generally anyway. It takes them longer to accept the major life changes before them, or they accept them but they try and do everything they can before that time has come. Add that all to the fact that we had just spent 16 months apart and we’ve got a pretty tough situation. We haven’t given up though and that has to count for something.

I am definitely in a positive mood today …. If only that lasted!!

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Saturday night blues…

Posted on July 2, 2016 by KerryLouise

I know partying, drinking and going out isn’t the be all and end all but when your close to 30 weeks pregnant and only have the hamster and a tub of haagen daaz for company you can’t help feeling a little sorry for yourself.

Yesterday I wrote how I woke in a mood, the bad mood pretty much continued. Well I say bad mood I wasn’t rude to people I just could not be bothered to be at work. I was planning on going on maternity leave ASAP, went home early and had a cry to myself about how the battle with the stairs was causing such a great discomfort. Like seriously this time last year I was going to Ibiza in 5 days!! I was fit, regularly going to the gym and I certainly wouldn’t have got out of breath walking to the toilet. The boyfriend made me feel better last night and gave me a massage. Restless leg syndrome is at its peak! He realised his mistake from the night before but hey he always bloody does, doesn’t mean he learns from them though!! He went to London late last night to see his mum and sister, I must admit I do enjoy the bed to myself. Just turning is like a military operation these days and Dominic does like to get super close to me. Far too hot for that!! So needless to say after a pretty rubbish day, tears and genuinely questioning how I’m going to cope another 10 weeks I had a pretty good nights sleep.

I woke up feeling much better, worked with my sister and we had our usual laughs and jokes and I didn’t find myself in half as much pain as yesterday. I even felt ok finishing work and just thinking.. I can’t wait to get on my sofa. Its a strange feeling though when you are physically tired but mentally you could still just go out and party the night away. I have friends out who have both text saying they wish I was there. Half of me thought about just getting dressed up a little and going to the gig, but then I remind myself of the breathlessness, the music that I’ve had to just get super drunk for in the past, the very crowded pub and I decided I am better off on this sofa.