After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.
This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.
Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.
Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!
I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.