Too much wasted time

Self development is so important and I realise that more and more everyday. No matter the industry you work in you should always do a bit of personal development. A networking meeting I went to this morning spoke of this and also a few other areas that I really want to apply in my life more.

I already write to do lists but I should do it for my personal tasks too. I have had no iphone since Tuesday yet I still haven’t managed to do the things I really need to get a move on in doing. Luckily I have fixed my laptop so writing my essays won’t be a problem in that sense, but I need to bloody write them. It’s mad how having no phone panicked me when it shut down, but it has been quite nice too. I was mostly concerned about M, he would try and call and wonder where I was. Tonight, being Thursday I swapped my sim to my work phone and he called. He was concerned bless him, but I also had a text message from the police.

I feel sick. It is so mad to think about how much determination I have in making my abuser pay for what he has done, but even then that slight connection I had with him again tonight has chipped away a bit at my strength. I feel sad he is missing out on our beautiful happy bright baby girl but at the same time where the fuck was he when I wanted him there. Often he chose another girls bed over being with us or I don’t know what is worse a trap yard. The times I NEEDED him, when I was recovering from a c-section, or the times I had mastitis and was so poorly but still made sure our baby was fed. A baby could have been the making of him, getting released from jail could have been. I HATE that I want to know what happened between him and the letter writer. Maybe she saw sense? Maybe he showed his true colours quickly? He was never bothered about her, just a new game for him to get at me some more! SICK AND CRUEL!

When I feel like I am doing the wrong thing I must remind my self of everything, the sleepless nights, the feeling that me and this innocent beautiful baby wasn’t enough, the times I begged and cried for him to be a father. What about the times he made me look stupid crazy and pathetic in front of whatever new fling he had. WHAT FUCKING ARSEHOLE! The way that made me feel, the man I had devoted so much of my life too could treat me like that. He deserves nothing. Like nothing.

I wasted enough time with him, I waste too much time thinking about him and I waste far too much time doing things that have absolutely no benefit to me at all.

Focus! Focus! Focus! I wish I didn’t care. I need to do me!