If you’ve been following my story you will know I was successful in getting a Non Molestation Order on my ex back in October 2017. He was served the order beginning of November and it was serving his purpose as he moved away and left me alone… fully.
On 20th November we had our return date which he turned up for, was all sorry and puppy dog eyes. Made me feel sorry for him and guilty again for ‘letting it get this far.’ He managed to get inside my head for a while before I met with my solicitor. My solicitor (who by the way I had never met before) was a timid character and I felt wasn’t a strong enough person to be representing someone like me! As soon as I met with her she handed me a letter claiming it was from his partner, my heart dropped like .. wtf he had just spent 20 minutes telling me he was gutted and wanted me back. How was this happening! She questioned ‘have you read it?’ .. course I bloody hadn’t! Why was this only just given to me now? With little compassion or regard for my feelings. Don’t these people realise the words on paper is still abuse. Not only from him but some woman who thinks she knows him. How dare some one write those things about me and get away with it. Telling a woman she wasn’t abused is wrong! No one else can say another woman was not abused, especially someone who claims she was abused herself. Disgraceful! I think it’s obvious to a human being how I would react let alone a family law solicitor! Yes this prompted me to approach him but let’s not forget he came up to me first, my solicitor couldn’t handle him, security blamed me pretty much (because he used me engaging with him to his advantage) and despite him doing everything he could to talk to me, no one did ANYTHING not really. My solicitor just said ‘stop looking at my client’ and when he made out he hadn’t seen said woman who wrote the letter for 6 weeks she flustered around looking at the name of who wrote it and clearly knew she was out of her depth when we were shouting across the court waiting area at one another. Finally when we got into the court room, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt sorry for him again, he appealed because he hadn’t received my original position statement (another failure from my solicitor) and the magistrates agreed he had a right to get some legal advice. So there we were, another date booked. I was gutted.
The no contact continued, bar one phone call I made to him that evening (after all he handed me his number on a scrap bit of paper) and I tried to put it to the back of my mind AGAIN. I was told when I rang my solicitors on the 8th December (return hearing was 15th) that he had not got his return statement in as requested by the 8th but the hearing had been put back to 15th January! I felt relieved but again the communication was terrible, the letter explaining court had been postponed was not received until AFTER the date so without me calling them I would not of known. They then continued to write to me asking for proof of why certain amounts had gone into my account. I’m not talking big figures here, it’s amount of £10 from my mate and £200 from my employer (which were expenses). They also want my mortgage statement, despite me repeatedly telling them I don’t have access to these due to being massively in arrears (I’ll explain another time) no one wants to help. I decided I didn’t care anyway, I would represent myself and the threats of being liable for legal costs did not scare me.
15th January came, I spent time debating whether to show at all but decided I could and I would. I was strong enough to represent myself and I could handle it. However, I was not expecting what once again I would be faced with. This time TWO statements from my ex. These were worse than I could ever have imagined, the worst lies someone could say about someone else and yet I had to just read them and have my heart broken even more. It was evil, vile and cruel. Yet again I found myself having to defend reality and fight with someone who rewrites history so negatively. As time went on I couldn’t shake it, it hung over me for weeks and no matter how many times I said ‘it’s laughable’, it really really isn’t. Someone who I had had a baby with and loved so very much saying these things is not funny… it’s abuse. The court once again adjourned the hearing and I left the court knowing it wasn’t over!
Now brings me to the present day. Today I had the court order from the 15th January forwarded to me (now is the 16th February), the email stated they wasn’t sure if I had received it already. This is my solicitor by the way, how is that acceptable? Clearly I didn’t have it. Not only did I not have the order but did not know I had to return my position statement back to the court by the 12th! I’m too late! So I have no chance to defend myself, no chance to prove everything he said about me was lies, I’m not a prostitute. I am not addicted to cocaine and I am not addicted to sadomasochism! The court asked for professional statements too, again I didn’t know this was an option to defend myself. The court order is also riddled with spelling mistakes ‘earing’ instead of hearing for example. Awful!
On the other hand, the court won’t care he lied. There are no repercussions or consequences for someone telling such viscous lies. How is that ok? It’s swept under a carpet and men (and women) can continue all over the country just make up lies in a desperate attempt that they stick, and they do! Women are losing their children to lies from these narcissistic men and it’s disgusting!
I’ve come to realise, dealing with someone like my ex you have to JUST be strong yourself. As long as mentally I am strong I have to do this on my own.
As previously blogged we’ve had recent contact. He got into my home whilst I was sleeping to beg and say sorry. Call the police? What’s the point?! Tell the courts?! Again no point! Yes a NMO May stand but he will fight for his daughter, I know this and with a NMO in place how can that be done amicably. It will be full of negativity, contact books and contact centres. Judges are awarding these men more contact than they deserve and if I fight I know what him and his family are capable of. I am TIRED. I have no faith, that the system will help me. He will use his daughter anyway he can especially if it’s to hurt me and I just can not bare to lose her. I read stories all the time, mother being hostile to contact and accused of causing emotional abuse on the child and residency is awarded to father. Even if that didn’t happen, him and his family would poison her sweet little innocent mind I just know it. We’ve seen what they are all capable of. Fathers for justice? Give me strength.
Currently he’s accepting everything, admits and ‘feels ashamed’ about how he’s treated me. He holds his hands up to all the abuse and states he would do anything to take it away. Questions his life and asks himself daily ‘what the hell was I doing?’ Of course it could all be words but the point is … it’s amicable. He isn’t abusing me, I carry on through court he will abuse me. He will!
So… so far so good. I am strong. I do not want him back. He dreams of a future all together but I know I’m not that person anymore. Potentially the non molestation order served it purpose but that’s all it could do. No contact for over 3 months was enough for me to get a clear head and realise my worth. Like really realise it.
I’m still scarred, at times we talk and I will turn bitter and bring up scenarios that happened and question how he’s even human. I tell him he deserves to be in jail for the way he treated me and in some ways I’m finding talking to him therapeutic. Hearing him apologise and accept it… accept it all. I then wonder … is he a narcissist? Narcissists never accept or take blame not really. Maybe he will change… but it’s too late for me. Far too late.
Xxx
Behind These Bluest Eyes 
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