Tag: 30weekspregnant

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This is just a rant ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

At times I can take a step back and analyse the situation. There is no doubt in my mind that my abuser is a extreme narcissist. It is so deep rooted that I don’t even have to feel concerns that to everyone else he is respectful and honest because he isn’t. He has no consideration for anyone else, whether that be a taxi driver, a friend, a family member, his child or his lover. In his world, it’s him who comes first!

Other times all I need to do is one big rant!! This morning was the child protection conference I am only thankful in every sense of the word that I have professionals who believe me. Imagine fighting this where no one believes you, it would drive me to complete destruction. Suicide even! Luckily he isn’t credible, always being arrested, letting people down and even today when he was told to stay in a room he ignored that request and came out. Following simple instructions isn’t ok for him, unless he’s the one in control then he can’t function right. Just him walking out that room and me having to walk past him was enough for me to STILL feel controlled!!

My rant goes like this … it came to light today that he has raised concerns over the fact he believes I neglect my baby! Him and his dysfunctional poor excuse of a woman Mother. As far as I am concerned that is it they won’t ever have any contact. His mother KNOWS what he’s like and the very fact he has now gone against me means she has no place in my baby’s life. She’s disgusting and she should take one hard look at herself, you raised this man. You help mould him, and despite you being well aware of everything he does you have defended him. Scumbag!! Why would I want my daughter ANYWHERE near you, I will protect my girls till the day I die and make sure they are never ever disrespected by a single vile human being in a relationship ever in their life!

It’s laughable that they actually think that would get them anywhere. LAUGHABLE!! I wonder if he will turn up at court on Monday and appeal my non molestation order. I wonder indeed!!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Empower me..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Only a quick one tonight, I had many thoughts going through my head today so I wanted to record them somewhere. Mostly some pointers for future blogs as right now I don’t really have the time to go into them in depth.

I wanted to talk about the ‘other’ side of my abuser. My previous blog (unless you’ve been involved in a similar relationship) really screams ‘why!!’ I think to many! Why stay !? What was I doing? I need to explain all the charm side to this harm to make that understandable too because the truth is… even professionals do not understand. I have spoke to a police woman who really really got it, unfortunately she had experienced it too but she got it. It’s namely those professionals in social services and from my child’s school and that is worrying, that is something that NEEDS changing and NEEDS recognising! My social worker told me today that he’s now saying that I’m lying and trying to ruin his life, not only is that incredibly laughable but it is also incredibly stupid on his part. Better for me but stupid for him. He’s given me more ammunition to clear my fucking name and prove that what he’s done has been nothing but a constant cycle of manipulative lengthy disgusting abuse. So for that I thank him, he’s helped break his control HIMSELF! Let’s not forget that my last conversation he owned up to everything, pleaded sorry and I even felt ‘guilty’ about his arrest. Truth is you cannot believe a word he ever fucking says , NOTHING he EVER says is the truth and that is so destructive. He’s only acting this way now because he can’t actually handle the fact I now FINALLY have a boundary, he cannot cope with how alien this feels to him and how he has well and truly lost me. He’s clutching on to anything he can to try and protect himself as that’s all that matters in his mind. Him!

Another point worth mentioning is .. my social worker said ‘you’re doing good you’re out of it now’ , that is SO far from the truth, it’s worrying that these people actually think this is the way it works. I corrected her ‘no I am getting better but I am under no circumstances ‘out of it’. The fact he’s calling me a liar doesn’t phase me, I expected it. If he saw me tomorrow he would do EVERYTHING he could to hoover (another term professionals should educate themselves on) me back up, and would do that without a second thought. It’s inevitable. Maybe not tomorrow, but 6 months , 2 years whenever I need to prepare for that time… because he will.

She then said ‘ok but I will help you’ again I had to correct her ‘no you will not!’ You have done a pretty shoddy job of doing anything so far and that isn’t a reflection on her but a reflection on the resources available. The sunflower centre is an organisation that helps women who have suffered domestic abuse. I ask the same questions to the police, social services and even to them … what can you do to help me? The truth is .. yes they can arrange an injunction (done that) help me into a refuge (don’t need that) help put safety facilities in place (my flat is secure) but they do absolutely fuck all with the stuff that really keeps me hooked. Securing my flat is only as good as I let it, even an injunction is the same unless my mind is where it needs to be, there is nothing any one of these professionals can do. This got me thinking, my book ‘I mean it this time’ I can and I will help empower women, help them mentally break that cycle. I will use my experience to help make a difference and get rid of that stigma that still is attached to women who are victims of domestic abuse. I can run workshops I can find tools that will really work because currently there isn’t anything like it available. My local council have something called the freedom programme , there’s MUCH better literature out there and there is a gap in the market. I will win, and I will show anyone who has looked down their noses at me what domestic abuse really means and how advice of ‘don’t let him in’ really just doesn’t cut it. If my experience helps at least one woman in the future they I will feel like I have achieved.

I end on a positive. I have a bloody brilliant job which I love, everyone I meet speaks highly of me and everyday I am healing. Dips are normal but I am healing! I made the decision that I would attend the child protection conference in the morning. I am not going to ‘like’ it, the majority of people in the room are so uneducated on this subject it’s scary but you know what. Who cares! I know what I’ve been through, I know what is real and what isn’t , life isn’t just about ticking boxes and following protocols. I could have hidden ALL this from every single one of them but I spoke up! I have proof of that. Instead of judging me they should be praising me. I am me, I will never ever be made to feel less adequate than anyone else in my life so bring it on!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy F’ing Friday!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Who knew that within a space of 48 hours I can go from shouting at the mother in law to actually crying to her and wanting her advice. Today he had his same miserable grumpy head on and his vileness just made me completely snap. Lets not forget he completely let me down last night and it actually had to take an argument for him to admit and see where he went wrong. His attitude is just disgusting, he thinks its no big deal yet fails to see how he reacts to a lot worse than that in terms of ‘feeling unloved.’ Once again we end up in a slagging match and I hear the same rubbish like how he’s cutting me off. All I do is give him stress and he’s sick of it, and it’s all me me me. Eventually he calms down and the same discussions occur regarding when he is coming back, at 3pm he says ‘I’m having some food and I am getting on the bus… is that ok with you?’ In his cocky arrogant tone. Well that didn’t happen and I warned him if he wasn’t back by 7pm I didn’t want to see him tonight. I call him back at 5pm and he still ‘doesn’t know’ and instead of just being nice and pleasant he informs me he’s not in a good mood because he’s had an arguement with his mum so doesn’t want to talk right now.

Tell me.. please… what woman would accept that in a relationship? How dare he take his bad mood out on me. He continues by saying… I give him stress, his mum does and so does his dad because I can’t keep my mouth shit. So once again…. It’s my fault!! That’s it then it completely explodes, he’s shouting, he’s kissing his teeth, he’s telling me this that and all sorts. I then use other words to get him back and maybe I went a bit far by admitting that I’m missing an ex but it’s exactly how I feel. I am sick to the back teeth of his attitude towards me. How dare he imply that my flat isn’t good enough for his daughter, how apparently he’s going to get a house and she’ll get her own room and he’ll be with someone else and I will hate it. I mean seriously!! He loves to try and tell me how he could easily get someone else, and that I’m getting old. This is all his paranoia talking, he’s so sure I’m going to end up leaving him. I wouldn’t even consider it if he wasn’t such an asshole.

I’m then being shouted at, being called a snake, being told I’m a tramp and I mean nothing to him and how there is not going back from this. He cut the call with his usual line of ‘get off my line man’… usually I would be beside myself and keep calling him back but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. The only person I could turn too right now was his mum.

It was actually a really good phone call. I felt so much better and believe it or not she was completely on my side. She had told me she has seen a different side to him and that week he had been there was like hell, so she can obviously appreciate how I have felt for the past 7 months.

I started the phone call by crying and apologising and saying I didn’t know who to turn too but I am just so sick of his attitude and his anger. I finished my opening line saying I genuinely think he is unwell… and she agreed. Phew! The conversation was going to go the way I intended. It was always going to be a risk calling her, she was either going to think that it was all in my head and I was the problem or she would see it from my side and thankfully it was the latter. She told me she could see her ex husband in him (not his dad) the irrational behaviour, the shouting, the short temper. She advised that I needed to cut him off, it was the only way he would learn. Told me to put myself first and yes it is hard as she has been there but he needs to learn the harder way and make decisions himself. All this is not normal behaviour, I have suspected for a while now that he has a cannabis problem and his mum has said the same. He needs that to stop and I need to be strong and not be around him until it does stop.

I am weak, I admit that, when it comes to him I am weak!! I called him about 3 and half hours after the row. He wouldn’t be used to that as he’d be so used to me constantly trying to ring so I knew I’d get a different reception. ‘Hi darling’ … didn’t imagine a greeting as nice as that but I think it only shows exactly his bipolar behaviour. I found my self at times telling him to calm down, telling him to not over-react, trying to play nice because I just do not want to end this call on a negative. He contradicts himself all the time because he will bring up things I’ve said, then I’ll say how he’s said worse and then blame me for bringing up things from the past when we drew a line under it on Wednesday. Sometimes there is just no educating people like that… he’ll accuse me of things he’s doing the same if not worse.

After much tit for tat, he promised he’d be back to night. Thing is I don’t care if he doesn’t but I want to be the one to say ‘no don’t bother’. I don’t want to be hearing him say ‘I need space’… like wtf you’ve had a week and its you who is the problem not me. I want a man who wants to be making it up to me not distancing himself because he thinks I’m the problem. His phone is dead again now and honestly not holding out on much hope he’ll end up back tonight. He spoke about the cannabis and he said how I just need to watch because when the baby comes he won’t go anywhere near it. How he’s going to be so overwhelmed and overjoyed that cannabis withdrawal won’t affect him at all. Compared himself to my ex, as I have often said he changed completely when my eldest daughter came. Slight difference though…. he was never addicted to a drug. Dominic needs a professional to help him, he thinks he isn’t addicted…. HE IS! He goes from saying whats the point in him trying with me to him saying ‘ok what if I cut down the weed smoking’ and blaming it on mixing alcohol with the drug. He does listen when I tell him straight that it’s the daily use that’s the problem but he always does. Doesn’t mean he stops. I honestly think he’s a confused boy who is addicted to this awful drug. His brother is in a mental hospital due to cannabis abuse…. surely this should be enough?

According to the phone call his train should be pulling in now, besides the time he spent in jail I’ve had 2 and half years of hearing promises about times and when he’s coming and the truth is he has no fucking idea how to keep a promise. So you tend to just stop expecting anything. That’s sad really sad, if I can’t rely on my own boyfriend whilst I’m pregnant with his child then where the hell does that leave us?!

I need to be much stronger though his mum is right. I probably made a mistake by calling him but I must make a promise to myself and to this blog now. If he does not show tonight then that is it… I won’t be returning his calls, I won’t be replying to his texts or even answering his calls. He will learn the hard way, he can understand what it feels like to have a partner who isn’t contactable.

Lord give me strength to do this!

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

3am Lasagne

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s 3:30am and I am wide awake because I feel so angry. This is why I care less, it just makes this bullshit easier to cope with and then as soon as I let my guard down slightly I get fucked over once again!

Dominic totally over-reacted earlier because I didn’t want to facetime, he’s still in London as he has been all week and he goes into self-pity mode which is ‘why do I bother’, ‘you wonder why I’m not nice’ and ‘you just throw it in mans face.’ Like seriously?? Because I didn’t want to facetime???

It then got worse he asked me for his facebook log on and OK maybe I delayed my response on purpose slightly but I was on the school run and I did think ‘no fuck him he can wait.’ The amount of times I’ve had to wait on him it wouldn’t hurt him to wait just a few fucking minutes. The truth is he cannot deal with things that do not go his way. I was called tapped, he told me that I won’t be the one laughing and even said how when his daughter asks why he’s not with mummy he will tell her that its because I don’t do anything for him. When I told him to stop texting me as it was upsetting me too much he just replies with ‘Stress can cause deformity’. It can’t… but even the fact he can say that to me and has said it to me numerous times you have to question what type of person he is. Emotional abuse and yet the only one to ever cause me any stress…. is him!! I don’t think he’s well, what normal rational person would behave like this over facetime and an email address like really?? I then just called him because all this texting was stupid and as normal it was just back and forwards words on who can hurt each other more, even though I must say this time I just took it well as much as I could tolerate.

We were then on the phone for way over an hour, some of it was ok but alot of it was just more stress. Bought up how he doesn’t feel like I want a future with him, how he hasn’t even touched me in 2 weeks (baring in mind he’s been away a week and the week before I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with someone who talks to me so badly). He also said how it’s just boring between us these days and we don’t laugh together anymore. When will he accept responsibility for this??? When will he realise thats words like that do not help the situation and equally take note, I’m fucking pregnant and when his idea of fun is going out and getting wasted that doesn’t leave me much choice but to be ‘boring’. There was some other bullshit but it just goes round in circles and it’s pretty pathetic and in all honesty it just shows me how unstable he is. His need for love and affection is crazy, he says all this one day but the day before he can say the complete opposite. I’ve told him he should speak to a professional as he has been through a bloody lot but seriously I question how much more can I take.

The conversation did end on a plus and he was planning to come back tonight. I called him at 10pm and said ‘I can’t wait to see you’ , sometimes you have to just sweet talk these type of people, I know it keeps him sweet. It was a genuine feeling though. His battery was about to die (shock) and he said to send the train times to his sister. I wake up at 1:57am and try and call him … phone dead (no surprise) and he’s obviously not here. Annoyingly though he had text me at 2am from his sisters phone but because I put my phone down and tried to go back to sleep I did not realise until 2:50am.

“babe I didn’t make it but I’m getting a lift home ok love you so much. Ps: Don’t eat the lasagne. Sweet Dreams”

Well no shit sherlock obviously I know you didn’t ‘make it’, but why?? Why am I not his priority? Why leave it till 2 fucking AM to send me a text that quite frankly shows I am just a second thought! See now I am writing this I’m wondering if I am over-reacting, at least he text (theres been a million and one times where I havent even got that), but my point is….. I haven’t seen him for a week. What could have possibly been his reasoning for ‘not making it’ and I tell him like a fucking fool how I couldn’t wait to see him. He moans at me for throwing his kindness back in his face… what has he just done to me?!?!

Well his lasagne can go in the bin, notice how I don’t get a time on tomorrow either and knowing him it’ll be late. So much for him wanting to spending the whole weekend with me. I’m working saturday so he can stay there…. I’m not being disturbed again tomorrow night. He disturbs me being here, disturbs me when he’s meant to be here and isn’t and I am much better off just not expecting him and just having him not around me at all. Then he gets all emotional when I say I’m not missing him…. why would I miss someone who does this?? I’m used to being on my own and I much rather be on my own with no stress. I don’t stress as there is no wondering where he is or what time he’s going to show up. I don’t have to fear what type of mood he’s in and I can watch what ever I want on the TV. Oh and not to mention the whole bed to myself.

4am now and I’m still not tired at all, had some more lasagne before I even wrote this lol… perks of being pregnant right.

Wish I had some chocolate !!

Posted in Uncategorized

30 weeks pregnant !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

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Cant believe I’ve hit the 30 week mark now. Baby girl could come as early as just 7 weeks away … I doubt it tho! If she’s anything like her daddy she will come in October! No joke!

Baby has been super active this evening. It is incredible how she’s just inside me .. Chilling … Giving me a nudge every so often! I love it!

I’ve had a good day really, mood has been ok. It’s my friends birthday tomorrow and I had agreed to join them in Birmingham tomorrow lunch. After Friday I thought what a stupid idea it was as I struggle walking around my local Tesco but I’m going to go! It’s a social event and I think it would do me good.

The picture above is a comparison of how I looked this time last year compared to now. What a difference , it is a little depressing but I don’t feel so bad about it as I thought I would. I’m growing my baby girl and that’s amazing. Plus I know I’ll get back to my original size , that’s my motivation !

I figured my post tonight would be regarding the mother in law. I’ve had quite  a long conversation with my boyfriends sister today and it brought up loads of memories regarding her behaviour last year which has constituted to us not getting on. She has clearly admitted to people she doesn’t like me, and I’m pretty sure her only reason is that she is far too protective over her precious son so much so that she doesn’t want any woman to have him! Behave !! I’ve left it too late to get into it all right now but I will. I do wonder how she’ll be with her grandaughter when she’s here. It’s going to be interesting that’s for sure !!