Tag: addicted

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The future is awesome

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’m ready! I’m feeling great. He’s desperate for me.. like I already know but for once I actually don’t care nor do I see a future with him.

I wish I could rewind to the days when he made me feel so weak and worthless because that was all pointless and really I should have learnt by now. He doesn’t last long until he’s the weak and worthless one. It’s that chronic cycle. We have spoke and I admit it to the people that need to know. Our baby has been poorly again and although being in hospital without him there was upsetting I still realise that it is no reason to go back. I just hope we can reach a future where we can be amicable.

My social worker is passing on messages on his behalf. Hilarious and highlights exactly how outdated social services are. Do they not realise they are aiding this cycle!? Keep the fact he is sorry and he’ll do ‘what it takes’ to yourself please. Although I enjoy hearing it, it isn’t going to make me better. Police have still not caught up with him to serve the injunction and it’s like I’ve disappeared of their list. Maybe I even fooled them with how much I knew and understood abuse and therefore would never go back. I still doubt myself.

The first time I called police on him I was getting welfare checks daily. I’ve had none this time and even though he’s ‘wanted’ it isn’t difficult to not get found. So much is wrong with the support network for women like me it’s insane.

When we have spoke I feel like the one in control. He’s giving me the I love you’s and showering me with praise. Explaining how he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing and how’s he fucked his whole life over a dumb mistake. Thing is it was never just over that dumb girl, it was over many many reasons, she just gave me my ticket to freedom. It’s actually a shame she couldn’t keep hold of him longer.

I use to get my addiction fix from seeing him, now I just get it from a phone call or a message that’s been passed on. I had an awesome weekend last weekend , I just let myself down on Sunday evening when I found something that I really needed to ask him about. I found an old photo in my phone that had his number on, 2 hour phone call later and I could have punished myself, but I remind myself that I’m human and I’m ok. Monday evening I then found something else written on our baby’s notes that I felt he needed to hear my anger about. I just KNEW his mother tried to blame me and there it was , clear as day. How fucking dare they both. Wednesday I NEARLY had to rely on him for a babysitter but after another ear bleed from her I decided I needed to just have the day off work.

I’m working on myself, I need to find a new drug and a new addiction. It won’t be hard 🙂

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a day!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday I had a down day. If I had his number still I would have rang him. Crazy how I still seek happiness from the very person who has destroyed me! I was super tired though and slept quite well.

Today I’ve had back to back appointments and then bumped into him in the supermarket in the evening!! Omg I wasn’t prepared! Of all the places to bump into a sofa surfer like him .. a bloody supermarket shopping for groceries with his equally as vile mate!

So this morning I had a visit from the domestic abuse team and it was good to talk. As much as I don’t like talk talk talking about it , I like talking to people who are in agreement with me and are knowledgeable about the area. ‘Yes domestic abuse’ and ‘yes that’s control.’ Without that and without my writing and reading I spiral again into wanting him. Missing him too!. Talking with professionals, reading books around the area and my writing is what reinforces in my mind that NO this has not been right and not been right EVER. To just say oh he calls me a slag, takes my house keys and is late home doesn’t really have the same effect unless you go into the full story. He really is a text book abusive man!

I then had a meeting with a life coach. Very interesting, he asked me when was the last time I felt truly happy. I couldn’t answer! I literally don’t know! I’ll speak more of this another day.

The afternoon I had something quite intense and emotionally draining to attend which I rather not go into at the moment maybe in the future when I am ready.

On the way home I pop into Asda to grab some milk, toilet roll, custard and sticky toffee pudding… you know essentials! First I see his mate, he went to smile at me, I looked at him cold. All I could think was ‘omg’ and I’m glad I looked good! Lol. I wanted to just get out the supermarket, then I saw him at the checkouts packing some shopping! Shit!! I got to self service and scanned my 4 items quickly hoping he didn’t see me with my back to him. I add my 5p bag and start packing. Then he’s there!!! ‘No need to jump’ he said. I’m feeling anxious, scared almost… scared of my mind and the manipulation. He’s soft and kind. Asking me when can we talk, what is there to talk about?! Lots he says, I want to say sorry. I tell him that he’s said sorry and ask him what is he sorry for. I want to know, I want to hear him say it. Hear him admit to the abuse he’s done and the trauma he’s caused me. He’s putting his hand on my waist. What is he doing??? He’s in my personal space. He tells me that I’m looking well, ‘I know’ I say. I had to be strong, he asks when can he see baby, asks me to ring him so we can talk, asks what I’m doing weekend. I explain he needs to go through social worker and I’m out all weekend. Gosh he won’t like that, he has no control on that one!!

I’m gutted. Wish it never came to this. Wish it never never got so bad. Blame myself again, maybe if I placed more boundaries or wasn’t so accessible every time he did me wrong. Maybe if we had just had a break, like a proper one. Months maybe years. I need to focus! It’s not my fault, and a man like him won’t ever change!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy F’ing Friday!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Who knew that within a space of 48 hours I can go from shouting at the mother in law to actually crying to her and wanting her advice. Today he had his same miserable grumpy head on and his vileness just made me completely snap. Lets not forget he completely let me down last night and it actually had to take an argument for him to admit and see where he went wrong. His attitude is just disgusting, he thinks its no big deal yet fails to see how he reacts to a lot worse than that in terms of ‘feeling unloved.’ Once again we end up in a slagging match and I hear the same rubbish like how he’s cutting me off. All I do is give him stress and he’s sick of it, and it’s all me me me. Eventually he calms down and the same discussions occur regarding when he is coming back, at 3pm he says ‘I’m having some food and I am getting on the bus… is that ok with you?’ In his cocky arrogant tone. Well that didn’t happen and I warned him if he wasn’t back by 7pm I didn’t want to see him tonight. I call him back at 5pm and he still ‘doesn’t know’ and instead of just being nice and pleasant he informs me he’s not in a good mood because he’s had an arguement with his mum so doesn’t want to talk right now.

Tell me.. please… what woman would accept that in a relationship? How dare he take his bad mood out on me. He continues by saying… I give him stress, his mum does and so does his dad because I can’t keep my mouth shit. So once again…. It’s my fault!! That’s it then it completely explodes, he’s shouting, he’s kissing his teeth, he’s telling me this that and all sorts. I then use other words to get him back and maybe I went a bit far by admitting that I’m missing an ex but it’s exactly how I feel. I am sick to the back teeth of his attitude towards me. How dare he imply that my flat isn’t good enough for his daughter, how apparently he’s going to get a house and she’ll get her own room and he’ll be with someone else and I will hate it. I mean seriously!! He loves to try and tell me how he could easily get someone else, and that I’m getting old. This is all his paranoia talking, he’s so sure I’m going to end up leaving him. I wouldn’t even consider it if he wasn’t such an asshole.

I’m then being shouted at, being called a snake, being told I’m a tramp and I mean nothing to him and how there is not going back from this. He cut the call with his usual line of ‘get off my line man’… usually I would be beside myself and keep calling him back but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. The only person I could turn too right now was his mum.

It was actually a really good phone call. I felt so much better and believe it or not she was completely on my side. She had told me she has seen a different side to him and that week he had been there was like hell, so she can obviously appreciate how I have felt for the past 7 months.

I started the phone call by crying and apologising and saying I didn’t know who to turn too but I am just so sick of his attitude and his anger. I finished my opening line saying I genuinely think he is unwell… and she agreed. Phew! The conversation was going to go the way I intended. It was always going to be a risk calling her, she was either going to think that it was all in my head and I was the problem or she would see it from my side and thankfully it was the latter. She told me she could see her ex husband in him (not his dad) the irrational behaviour, the shouting, the short temper. She advised that I needed to cut him off, it was the only way he would learn. Told me to put myself first and yes it is hard as she has been there but he needs to learn the harder way and make decisions himself. All this is not normal behaviour, I have suspected for a while now that he has a cannabis problem and his mum has said the same. He needs that to stop and I need to be strong and not be around him until it does stop.

I am weak, I admit that, when it comes to him I am weak!! I called him about 3 and half hours after the row. He wouldn’t be used to that as he’d be so used to me constantly trying to ring so I knew I’d get a different reception. ‘Hi darling’ … didn’t imagine a greeting as nice as that but I think it only shows exactly his bipolar behaviour. I found my self at times telling him to calm down, telling him to not over-react, trying to play nice because I just do not want to end this call on a negative. He contradicts himself all the time because he will bring up things I’ve said, then I’ll say how he’s said worse and then blame me for bringing up things from the past when we drew a line under it on Wednesday. Sometimes there is just no educating people like that… he’ll accuse me of things he’s doing the same if not worse.

After much tit for tat, he promised he’d be back to night. Thing is I don’t care if he doesn’t but I want to be the one to say ‘no don’t bother’. I don’t want to be hearing him say ‘I need space’… like wtf you’ve had a week and its you who is the problem not me. I want a man who wants to be making it up to me not distancing himself because he thinks I’m the problem. His phone is dead again now and honestly not holding out on much hope he’ll end up back tonight. He spoke about the cannabis and he said how I just need to watch because when the baby comes he won’t go anywhere near it. How he’s going to be so overwhelmed and overjoyed that cannabis withdrawal won’t affect him at all. Compared himself to my ex, as I have often said he changed completely when my eldest daughter came. Slight difference though…. he was never addicted to a drug. Dominic needs a professional to help him, he thinks he isn’t addicted…. HE IS! He goes from saying whats the point in him trying with me to him saying ‘ok what if I cut down the weed smoking’ and blaming it on mixing alcohol with the drug. He does listen when I tell him straight that it’s the daily use that’s the problem but he always does. Doesn’t mean he stops. I honestly think he’s a confused boy who is addicted to this awful drug. His brother is in a mental hospital due to cannabis abuse…. surely this should be enough?

According to the phone call his train should be pulling in now, besides the time he spent in jail I’ve had 2 and half years of hearing promises about times and when he’s coming and the truth is he has no fucking idea how to keep a promise. So you tend to just stop expecting anything. That’s sad really sad, if I can’t rely on my own boyfriend whilst I’m pregnant with his child then where the hell does that leave us?!

I need to be much stronger though his mum is right. I probably made a mistake by calling him but I must make a promise to myself and to this blog now. If he does not show tonight then that is it… I won’t be returning his calls, I won’t be replying to his texts or even answering his calls. He will learn the hard way, he can understand what it feels like to have a partner who isn’t contactable.

Lord give me strength to do this!