Tag: distance

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Lonely This Christmas..

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s easier than I thought it would be. Well the lead up has been. Being so busy has eased the pain but the worst is still to come. Merry Christmas Eve Eve so they say, not so sure what’s so merry about it. I struggled at the weekend and I had a horrible anxious feeling that something had gone wrong. Picturing the worst. What if he gets more time? Its so easy for someone not going through it to say ‘just move on’ … yeh sounds easy. Not when you are so in love with that person, I don’t want anyone else. Through all his faults, his criminal record and his prison sentence. Its him I want. No one else.

He just called, he misses me, can’t wait to see me, needed to hear my voice. These words never get boring. I am excited to see him tomorrow. Not how I expected my Christmas eve to be however.

This time last year we were all new, only met on the 16th December but we were pretty inseparable straight away. He stayed at mine on Christmas eve and then again Christmas day. I was still unsure about him however, his age, his intentions, was he just using me?, what did our future really hold? It’s ok to be cautious though.

I take from my blog 2 years ago. I think it’s safe to say I am happier now than I was two years ago.

Monday 24th December 2012

Feeling a bit solemn this evening, always the way after a night of heavy drinking. Even worse when you end up 45 minutes away from your hotel with two men who are completely unacceptable and have only had 1 text message from the person you are currently in love with all day. Now I say in love but we all know how quickly I fall.

It Christmas Eve and whilst I am sat here over thinking like EVERYTHING. I have time to explain whats been happening over the past few weeks, it may even help me actually see sense and realise I am completely over reacting right now.

I met D back on October 27th I was out for my best mates birthday in town. I had been to L’s the night before and to be honest I was pretty loved up. BUT after the way everything had been so rocky with him, I figured the fact an attractive bloke approaching me wanting my number without anything being forced upon that night, deserved my number at least. I was honest with him and said I had a boyfriend but then changed it to “seeing someone” which in my defence that’s what it had been. He sent his first message that night, I already knew he was from London and after him telling me I was gorgeous and hot, and that he had to approach me I asked him what he was doing in my town. He said “finding you” , I’d give him that, he knew what to say. I still wasn’t overly convinced I would ever meet him but it is always nice to have someone to text especially someone who thinks so highly of you. At the beginning I barely text him at all, I felt bad on L (my current ‘boyfriend’) and was also unsure on D. Not really my type, he is a black guy but hey they say there is a first for everything. I chatted to him quite a bit the next day, he made me smile and I was intrigued especially with L being so temperamental. I found out his age, the fact he has a little girl and we seemed to get on well. I did fall asleep on him though and I made the effort to text him the next morning explaining that.

Now this beginning of a long long story seems pretty pointless as he’s texting me this evening now. After me texting him at 3pm asking him to ring me when he can but not getting a phone call, this is what sent me into even more of a panic mode. Ridiculous really because when I do go over old messages him ignoring me is something that is not completely unnormal.

Since meeting him I have met up with him properly 5 times. With the first of the dates being on the Friday 16th November, the friday before my birthday. Far too tired to finish this now , but I am going to sleep convinced that he has just been busy this christmas weekend, I will see him again I am sure xxx

Present day

I was so completely in denial it is so embarrassing looking back. I was infatuated by him, he made me so weak. Convinced myself relationships didn’t need to be ‘whilrwind’ or be constantly living in each others pockets. Assumed our relationship would develop and grow into something amazing. The lust I had for him was unreal, I still think about him at times even now. This wasn’t real. What I have right now is real, we just have gates separating us. That won’t be for ever though. This time next year. He’ll be off tag and we can start to rebuild our lives.

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A week..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Doesn’t sound long does it? A week. If I was dredding a dentist appointment you could bet your bottom dollar that week would shoot round, waiting for a holiday it would no doubtably go slower and then a week away in the sun, well that just comes and goes in a flash. My last week however has felt like 2, possibly 3 weeks long. Its been a whole week since I have seen my gorgeous boy or even heard his voice, its real pain. Email him? I can’t even find the words to do that. My birthday does not only feel like a week ago, travelling down to see him with his cousin and friend feels like a distant memory. Why is time going so slow? 36 of these damn weeks left now. 36! 14 weeks down, we’re not even half way. Just as it begins to feel quite normal the realisation hits me once more. How will I survive? I am missing him so much I cannot even find the words to explain this empty numb feeling right now. Tiredness, both physically and mentally. Not making much sense. My uni books have not been opened. So much to catch up on. The shop opening will do me just right. Time needs to be structured better. I cannot let this built up emotion beat me and stop me from succeeding. My day at work was super busy but enjoyable, I have a good life, a very good life if only the man who I wanted to share it with hadn’t been ripped away from me.

Friday tomorrow, credit day, I need to hear his voice.

Miss him so much!!

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Writing is The Best Therapy

Posted on by KerryLouise

Growing up, I used to write a lot, pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and real life events. It helped me get everything off my chest. No matter how small the problem was , I would sit in my room and just write for hours. As an adult I have hardly wrote, not since it got me in to trouble that is. I kept a small diary when I was pregnant, complaints of tiredness, weight gain and an other half who had the worst time keeping known to man, but nothing worth reading and sharing. I began a blog when I was 26, May 2012 it was, I wanted to talk of the life as a single mother on the dating scene looking for love. It should have been wrote in more but pulling back snippets I can still paint a picture. It is still an interesting read.

Now my man is in prison, writing is something that helps me now too. I remember the first day he went, that very first evening I started a letter to him. I emailed alot, it has died down now as we can talk on the phone and see each other more. Today I received 3 letters from him, it really must help him too. He really does love me, writing is his therapy too.

26th May 2012 I wrote :-

I am a 26 year old single mum,  who has been separated from my daughters father for well over a year. I intend to get my whole life story written about in this blog, whilst letting it flow, making it an interesting read and enjoyable to write. There will be no holding back, somethings I write about I have regretted, been embarrassed about but then others have moulded me into who I am today. This blog is 100% secret, therefore allowing me to talk about personal and even intimate encounters without holding anything back.

I have always been an over thinker, always will be. The mind constantly analysing every situation imaginable and if something doesn’t go my way Lord help me.  It does not switch off, which brings me to this. Why I am here, why I decided to write this ,  and why I need to do it for my own sanity.

…… Heartbroken…….

When I look at the situation and summarise, I think “what the hell woman” …. heartbroken over a man (if you can call a 23 year old a man) who I saw a total of 11 times, YES 11 times. Its ridiculous isn’t it!? This needs an explanation.

I met golfer on a dating website. Ironically I was feeling down about another man who also left me disappointed and deflated. Nothing compared to this though, he was easy to move on from, this is proving very difficult. I first messaged golfer (yes I made the first contact) on the 6th February , we talked all day everyday for weeks and weeks. He was amazed I messaged him first, he even gave him self the label “lucky”. If I am honest his keenness at the start concerned me, I was not sure I wanted a boyfriend, a holiday with the girls was being planned, my close friends were all single. I have just been so used to my life as a single woman. I decided to go with it and saw no harm in dating and having some fun. I know why Chris is different, how he got me wrapped around his finger, he wasn’t all about sex. He never even mentioned it, in fact it was me who prompted our first time which wasn’t until date four, this is completely unusual for me. Especially my experience of the men on plenty of fish. The last time that I remember things being great between us was Good Friday. I went to his in the evening, he lives at home, so meeting the parents was necessary. Everything was great, he gave me a teddy bear wrapped up which included an Easter egg, he was very affectionate making me fall for him even more. Inviting me to his even included the suggestion of eating dinner with his parents. Alarm bells… this is serious.

I was so wrong!

Since then his texts were short, non interested, with no real urgency to see me. Not like previous weeks, I put it down to me possibly over analysing as I really liked him but I knew deep down something was not right. I did not want the “where is this going” conversation, fear of rejection or commitment not quite sure. I just put up with the horrible feeling for 5 weeks, in those 5 weeks I saw him once. He still text me daily but I just knew it was not the same. Eventually I decided enough was enough, I asked him if he had lost interest in me. It took him half a day to respond with a simple “I haven’t Ive been busy” text. Which I felt did not deserve a reply after I had spent the morning in complete tears, completely baffled as to why he did not feel a text explaining how he had made me feel rubbish deserved a quicker if not more a convincing response. Followed from that text was a weekend of no contact, nothing at all… the first time in 3 months we went without a day texting. It was horrible. After me confronting him again saying clearly you have lost interest , blocking him on facebook and twitter, and then deleting his number, we went nearly a week without talking. I missed him so much, the thought of never seeing him again pulled at my heart, tears were randomly spontaneous and more than anything I was just so confused. No explanation just something so great ended for no reason at all. This left me to make a very stupid judgement on someone (that’s for another time) and having sex with this person. I went to the bathroom afterwards and sobbed, all I wanted was to be in that hotel room with golfer, laying naked in his arms cuddling, kissing and laughing. But I wasn’t I was with a hideous man in a hideous situation. Driving home the next day I decided I had to talk to him again, I called my network provider and got his number back (yes it got that dramatic). I was over the moon when we had a conversation. I was drunk and I was excited about the prospect of seeing him once a week with ‘no emotional attachment’. Did not really think of the realisation of those words until the next day. Why does he not what ’emotional attachment’? What the hell changed?! For someone who made so much effort and genuinely enjoyed my company why would he not want something more? All I knew is this way he was still in my life, I knew it would most probably end in disaster, me more hurt than ever but still that happy thought of contact with him was far too appealing than being honest and have him walk away. This was last weekend. Since then he text me first for a few days asking me how my day was, we ended up having sex text (my power) on one of those days, a pointless conversation on another and our last conversation was when he questioned my parenting skills…. and after him saying he was joking, I have heard nothing from him since Thursday..

Why oh why am i still so hung up on him. I remember the man I knew for the first two months, the sweet kind caring made me laugh man. Who took me out and would text me saying “hurry up” when I was on my way to see him, instead I am lumped with a chump who sounds pretty miserable most of the time, had absolutely no right to even mention my parenting skills, and has not complimented me in weeks. I just cannot get the old one out of my head, I remember dates with him and my heart aches. I just want that back, I miss my “good morning gorgeous” texts. I just want to rewind to a day he was sitting on this sofa with me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I figured as I text him last on Thursday he should text me… he hasn’t. Its Sunday evening. I am lonely. I am now awaiting a response to my “how was your weekend” text. Despite being so strong all weekend, despite my head telling me this is the best thing to cut all ties, each day will get easier… my heart overpowered my head….

….. oh god what have I done?!?!

26th November 2014

Reading this present day does not shock me, the male involved shocks me but the emotions I felt do not. Forgetting my current boyfriend, and tequila who I spoke of in last post there has been other men who have made me feel like this since this post in 2012. Why do us women let it get like this? He was no way perfect?! We did by no way at all suit. I latched on to a man who showed me a different interest, and that is all there is to it. He wasn’t sexy, he wasn’t cool, comparing him to who I am with now think he’s Prince William and hubby 50 Cent.

AND he had a small penis. GOD!

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No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

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Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.

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Get me off this train…

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s the problem with train journeys it gives you time to think.. it is even worse when 3 trains get cancelled so you have been sat at the train station just getting upset. Thinking and more thinking. I just wanted to get home!

My head is all over the place at the moment, this morning I felt so positive about everything. Tonight though, there’s a difference and I can’t really put my finger on it. The train journey got me thinking about my relationship, I miss him so much that there’s a physical pain. It’s deeper than a normal emotion, I struggle to think how it will ever get better. When will this pain be healed?

Since meeting him I cannot say that it has all be daisies and butterflies because it really really hasn’t and this evening has got me thinking … Why have I stuck around? Why have I put up with so much? Is it and will it be all worth it? On positive days I think yes, that all this was meant to happen, that the fights we have had previously are just an explosion of how much we each care, the passion that we both feel and we will one day have a very good life where we could take on the world if needs be. A life where we are that in love, we never ever under appreciate each other again.  I think positively about the times he disregarded my feelings, it was all just the greed he had for what he was doing, he wasn’t respecting me or us because he had different goals. Different aims. It changed when he got arrested, he stopped doing what he was doing and spent more evenings inside with me. That is when our love grew. I even told him that I am glad he got caught because he is a much nicer person to be around, however this wasn’t always the case. He still went out, all night on some occasions. He still chose drink and cannabis over me and I felt a constant battle to compete with these things. There was times I was so hurt, angry, worried, scared, miserable, disappointed, unhappy that I just wanted to walk away. I would build up the strength, telling myself it was the best thing to do but as soon as I saw him I became weak. Weak by his touch, by his words, and by his promises. I justified the bad behavior after his arrest because he had a lot going on in his head. He was, I guess living his final evenings like it was his last. It was hard on our relationship beings he was on bail pending a custodial sentence, it isn’t a situation I would wish on anyone. A constant dark cloud moving around following us, we would laugh, smile but it would always be there. The worry of the unknown.

Let me give you a snippet of what life was like pre-arrest… 

Sunday 19th January 2014

Sat here once again on a Sunday evening crying and for the umpteenth time in just over a month waiting on the person who is meant to be my boyfriend! He went to London last Monday and I have missed him so much. Tuesday I was hurt after absolutely no contact from him at all. I found myself constantly thinking about him and yet I obviously did not even cross his mind. Him and I are different to what I have had in the past , we are together more often than not but rarely have conversation via texting when not together, but a ‘good night’ message wouldn’t go a miss. I even saw he was online on Tuesday evening but I guess whoever he was talking too was more important than me. Wednesday came and I had a suspicion he may have ran out of battery without a charger, but that’s no excuses for the evening before. I hate game playing but equally I hate not hearing from him in over 24 hours. I made a point by ignoring him when he finally did get in contact, he sensed I was  doing that and I finally caved in. I didn’t want to make a big issue out of it, wanted it to be one of those things we just don’t discuss because we don’t need to. For us both to know that in future a little bit of contact isn’t too much to ask. Hopefully me showing him how I felt the day before was enough to not experience it again. But No, it ended in a row… His smoking weed and being with his mates was far too important to speak to me on the phone. Arguments with him are always pointless and yet they seem so regular, tonight has really showed me that I just cannot put up with it anymore. I have had far too much hurt this past year or 2 I cannot let me self set up for anymore! I change when he talks to me, I’m like I was when me and my ex was splitting up. I get so angry, I feel my blood pressure rising and I actually want to hit someone or something. Most of his argument when he’s talking over me makes absolutely no logical sense and he just doesn’t learn!! Tonight’s argument is once again about his actual lack of being able to tell the time or even know what a minute is in relation to an hour. It also began because he cannot be specific and he treats me like a drop in centre. He tells me he’s coming back on Sunday, with talk of me cooking Dinner, one would only assume he means at least before tea time. I have to ask him what time and after not accepting an answer of ‘tonight’ he gives me a time of 8:30 -9. I’m angry, I tell him I’m busy now. That I will see him Tuesday! Of course that’s not what I really want, but deep down I KNEW 8:30-9 wasn’t a normal persons 8:30-9 it would most definitely be a lot later than that. His argument was that I should trust what he’s saying and he’ll prove it to me. See how I feel like a drop in centre or a sidey, story of my life!! How many men have come to see me at times past 10pm, I thought he was different. I thought this was different. He is then telling me to calm down and I need help, only angers me more. That’s exactly what my mother used to say when I was growing up, looking down on me like I’m some psychotic. He does that thing as well where he repeats a question, Is that just all men?? ‘Well stop asking the same question repeatedly and let me fucking answer’ Jheez …. Is it any wonder I am the way I am when someone cannot have a proper conversation with me. Anyway after a pointless argument he promises me he’ll get the 7:50pm train ! I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I had calmed down and figured if he does that he would still get to me for 9:15pm. I ring him, he’s not on it, he acts and plays dumb. Apparently he didn’t realise I meant that train, then he changes his story and says ‘you know man has had to wait’ … Um NO how was I meant to know. He promised me, and I made it clear if he wasn’t on it we would be over. Obviously not enough to get him on that train or at least text me when he knew he wouldn’t be on it to say sorry. The argument then was horrific, I get so angry… I want to chuck my phone, I want to do something that will hurt him exactly the way he is me. He then proceeds to ask me ‘what is your problem?’ , nice move, just nice move. I want him around me I really do, but I cannot put up with this! If he had woke up this morn and said ‘babe got some things to sort out won’t be with you till late’ I would be cool, so cool. It’s the fact my whole day has been wasted and I’m angry!! ANGRY!! Most recent conversation was he was getting the 8:34 , well it’s 8:52 and I bet he ain’t on it! What grown woman seriously puts up with this?! He needs to grow up and get some structure in his life !!”

Unfortunately this all happened oh so regularly .. on wednesday 16th April 2014, I explained another situation. “Apparently he’s getting the 10pm train. It won’t happen! I know it won’t. What kind of relationship is that? He assumes he is just staying at mine and then this comes with consequences. Nights like tonight for example, I have no idea what time he’ll be ringing the buzzer to get in. It’s not fair. In just the 4 months we have been together so much has already happened. We argue regularly and they are fiery and recently have been violent. Then on the opposite end of the scale the love we have and the passion we share just cannot be described. He angers me so much, I would ring him and its excuse after excuse how its not his fault. How I should trust what he says, but its hard to trust when he constantly lets me down. He hangs up on me, talks to me like shit. Literally in tears, so angry and upset that he thinks it is ok to treat me like this. I feel like this at least once a week. I HAVE to be strong, I just HAVE too. About time I met a real man, with a real job and career prospects. Loving this one has left me nothing but hurt. I wrote more the next day .. Thursday 18th April, so he got the last train home which got him into the town for 2am. He still went elsewhere till 3am, didn’t even come straight to me. This then left me unable to sleep till 4am, he then woke up late for work and I ended up taking him. He tried to cuddle me, apologise, but I didn’t want to hear it. A stressful horrible evening and it happens far too much. I go on about how I imagine life without him, no stress, no worries, no fears of him ending up in Prison for something or another. Haha I just knew didn’t I.

Another occasion that sticks in my mind was the weekend I met his mother, the week before he had promised me ‘a night in’, in fact had told me to cancel any plans I had so we could spend the night together. He went out! Left me home alone, once again treating my like a drop in center. I could not believe the audacity of him, his behavior was completely unacceptable. It showed me how childish he really was. Yet he was the one who got angry WITH ME when I would not let him in at silly o’clock in the morning. I gave in in the end after he through stones at my window to get my attention. So he then decided he wanted to say sorry to me and we made the decision to go to London the following weekend where ‘he would make it up to me’, ‘this weekend is all about you’ he said. Pfft that weekend was a DISASTER!! The friday night he went out for just an hour, came back at 2am and drunk! Let’s not forget here that I’m in his mothers house of whom I have just met. I didn’t get too upset, I tried to understand that he was just catching up with friends etc. The next evening though was UNFORGIVEABLE!! He goes to the shop, I asked him to be quick so we could leave at 9:15pm to meet my best friend and her boyfriend by the Thames for a drink. At 9:45pm I call him and he tells me ‘5 minutes’, we wait, I drink, his mum is apoligising. He doesn’t turn up. In the end I go on my own, I get silly drunk and end up being very sick. Who does that to another human being?! What actually goes through his mind? It is definetly acts of selfishness and that night he completely let me down and embarrassed me. I am glad his mum saw his behaviour and I admitted that this happens all the time.

When I read over older posts I think of so many separate occasions he did this to me, nights I would ring him repeatedly like a woman possessed. He changed me, he had me wrapped around his finger and there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted him to leave me alone but could not bare the thought of him doing that. I was that infatuated with him, I believed everything he said when he told me it wouldn’t happen again. We would argue about him not being on time, before he was even late, I just knew it would happen. I would be awake all night petrified of what could have happened to him, where he could be? what he was doing? and he would just come back when it pleased him apoligising once again. The weekend we went to Brighton was a big weekend, I couldn’t believe he even wanted to go out the evening before, after I had just had his brother threaten me in my street. But he did, and he said he wouldn’t be out late, he promised me a time and it got to 1am and he was no where to be seen. His phone was off, I was sick with worry and panicking massively that he would not be back in time for our day trip to the beach. These days out were crucial, creating memories before the day he went to prison. CRUCIAL. It meant far too much to me to just be able to sleep. He came back at 6am, I had had no sleep and once again he managed to make me the one feel bad. Anyway the day in Brighton was so brilliant. It was a really great family day out, with my sister and her family. It is still a day that today we all talk about and reminisce about. That evening he nearly went out again, I felt sick. I was so tired from the night before and just wanted to sleep next to him in my bed. He told me he would go when I had fell asleep but that just wasn’t good enough. Thankfully we didn’t get back till real late and so he stayed with me. The next night he changed again, he was like the devil, not like him at all. Left me anxious and angry once more, 40 missed calls for him to answer 1 and say ‘You dont fucking give up do you’ and then hang up on me. Why?! Why was he talking to me like this? When will my luck change? When would a man respect me for me, and treat me right?! It was then after this weekend it all got a lot better. It was like something clicked in his head, he spent most nights with me, came over the times he said he would and it was obvious we are very much in love.

Re-living all that was hard, but it has felt good to get it all down. I remember saying to him a couple of times when things were real bad that I was actually looking forward to the time he was going. Knowing that all that would end. No more ringing him constantly, no more feeling sick and anxious whenever he wasn’t with me. Just an end to all that waiting around, not knowing what was going to happen on sentence day. At least now he is in there we can draw a line under it all when he comes out, start afresh, live a proper life like a real relationship.

All this sounds like a horrific relationship but something kept me close to him. It must be his eyes, his smile, his beautiful face and that gorgeous dark skinned body. How much I can see that deep down he bloody loves me, that sometimes we both just react too quickly. I remind myself of his age, 7 years my junior and maybe sometimes he just does not think. Not that he is selfish, or that he doesn’t care because I know deep down this man is a sensitive soul. He is not afraid to share his feelings with me, not afraid to tell me he would literally die for me. He can easily make me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world, and feel more in love and happy than I have ever felt before. I forgive him easily after an ‘episode’, we would have great passionate sex and all the bad stuff would just be forgotten and I just could never imagine my life without him.

Maybe that train journey wasn’t so bad after all…