Tag: inmate

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Uncategorized

Pen pals

Posted on by KerryLouise

It 2:22am, I am not remotely tired. My brain ticking but for once not be for bad reasons.

‘Studying contract law whilst watching a documentary on death row and wondering if my incarcerated boyfriend would mind I had a new pen pal’ … This was my actual tweet.

It’s true, promissory estoppel was going way over my head. Even now all I remember is that it’s a defence for past consideration, maybe?! Who knows. I moved on to ‘intention to create legal relations’ much more straight forward. I stick on a documentary about death row and then start thinking of the women who I see on instagram #FreeMyKing .. I am also aware of how many relationships START on the inside via a penpal system. Obviously I am not out to start anything romantic but the idea of writing to someone on death row and given them something really had me buzzing. I found a website. I’m going to register. Why had I not thought about this before? The whole prison thing really fascinates me. How amazing to be in contact with someone sitting on death row. Not sure how my inmate would feel however but I write to him. I can write to another. Its cool.

Wish me luck

Posted in Uncategorized

No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

Posted in Uncategorized

It feels like Christmas….. visit day

Posted on by KerryLouise

Any prison girlfriend or wife will know this feeling. I have woken up so excited that today I get to see my boo. The first visit I was full of strange emotions, nerves, excitement, unsure, worried and even a little scared. Today though I just feel excited. Even though he has moved and I again have to learn the procedure of this new ‘hotel,’ it’s ok. Last time I fell completely in love with his gorgeous smile and eyes all over again. Giggled every time he called me beautiful and made a comment about wishing he could just freeze time and take me in the toilets. At the weekend I hated him, had so much I wanted to say today, I hope I don’t forget them. I had calmed down by Monday afternoon and pulled myself out that negative shell and was back to just feeling like a small child at Christmas, just so excited to open my present. I received a letter last night, I love receiving letters. He sounds much better telling me the courses he’s going to be doing, the fact he’s at the gym every day but also his usual stuff of ‘stay loyal’. I feel OK about my mistake, after all he made a mistake at the beginning of our relationship. That does not seem to matter any more, it no longer eats me up. I got him back, we are even and we are in love. I wish I could take a notepad in with me, with a list of things I have to say to him, even just a piece of paper. Prohibited items apparently, like everything is.. not sure what they think I could smuggle in a piece of paper mind. He mentioned that none of his friends had wrote to him, tells me things are going to change with them but then asks me to get their date of birth for the visiting order. I don’t think so sunshine. They won’t be able to get to you here, and I am certainly not taking them. I made a promise to his mum that I will not play taxi and I most definitely will not.

Right best get my act together today is the day !!