Tag: lawstudent

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Uncategorized

The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……

Posted in Uncategorized

‘I love a good heatwave’ .. Said no pregnant woman ever! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

OMG !! I cannot cope. Walking from the car to the school is like a military operation and the chafing on my inner thighs is actually a real problem.

I miss my toned long legs .. They have been replaced by thighs that have dimples and knees that look like elephant knees!! I think it reached 33 degrees today, stupidily uncomfortable for someone who is 32 weeks pregnant. I used baby powder to ease the chafing, it helped slightly. My underwear is uncomfortable too! I do feel I need to have some damage control now! 7 weeks left and I cannot get any bigger ! Bump is ok yes .. But legs and arms .. No! It’s uncomfortable and unattractive! I have been a bit reckless recently .. Like 3 cookies today ! WHOOPS! 

I sat in my underwear with the fan on me whilst looking at how gorgeous my man is and thought ‘how the fuck does he still fancy me’ .. He doesn’t go a day without calling me beautiful .. I wish I felt it! As beautiful as a rhino!! 

Tomorrow is healthy eating/limit on junk mission. I have another scan tomorrow too, can’t wait to see how big she is now. 

I’ve not wrote as much this week. I got my uni results last Friday and they were worse than expected .. I knew I still had to do ‘well’ in my final project to receive that commendation I had been working towards. However after the results I worked out I basically have to do ‘super well’ now. Pissed off with myself for letting things get in the way this year , pissed off I had ‘just want to pass’ attitude and pissed off that Dominic doesn’t take any responsibility. Hey ho such is life and he did say he is proud of me no matter what. Like many have also said how most would have probably dropped uni with everything I dealt with too so should be proud.

I had some good news though and my tutor worked out I need to get 69% rather than the 73% I initially thought. I can do that! I need to do that! Or else I will forever let it get to me that I didn’t receive that commendation. 

Well .. Think I may have a snack before tomorrow is here. I will blog my food diary and it won’t include 3 Cadbury flakes in a row .. No.. No it won’t! (That was last Friday) 

Posted in Uncategorized

DFS made me happy…

Posted on by KerryLouise

It is crazy the difference 24 hours can make. The day started off badly, a normal pre school run row with the boyfriend over his selfishness and his ability to wind up my 7 year old daughter. I swear I often feel like there are 2 children already under this roof. He fails to see how his moaning and huffing and puffing is acceptable in the mornings just because he will struggle to get back to sleep. It’s not like it’s 6am and he is working afternoons or something. He’s just being lazy and selfish! I do remind him of the times I’ve had no sleep, or the times I would take him to work and be awake a lot earlier than usual and even the most recent time of venturing out to Milton Keynes in the middle of the night!

Anyway luckily I had midwife and health visitor this morning so it gave him some time to reflect after he admitted he has been a bit lazy these past 2 weeks. I really really like my health visitor, my midwife is ok but I’m happy that it will be my health visitor who keeps in touch after the pregnancy. The conversation flowed a lot better and she had a genuine interest in my life. I felt positive coming out of that appointment. She made me feel good. I’m pretty amazing you know what with my studies and my business I am trying to build, well she praised me anyway haha.

I then met my sister and step sister after, it felt good to rant about men. Luckily my sister is feeling much better today, her and my brother in law had a good talk and as expected I knew it was deeper than him just needing a quick tug on his man region every now and again. She still says they are a long way off building anything back up but she is feeling better within herself which is the main thing. She should no way be feeling like she isn’t good enough here.

We then managed to tick one important thing off our list of ‘things to do’, we ordered a new sofa. Obviously we had initial arguments in DFS but luckily Dominic did back down and said he wants to make me happy. GOOD!! Because a corner sofa would just look stupid in our living room… STUPID!! I didn’t plan on us getting a recliner so we did compromise on that and these new power recliners are fabulous and so answers Dominic’s argument that they just end up breaking. They last a lot longer. It is nerve racking making such a big purchase with such a big commitment. Total cost is around £2,000 and we will pay it off over 4 years but I’ve looked for a second hand one and when I was so specific on what we needed (a 3 and a 1) it is so hard to find just that. Everyone sells corner sofas or 3 seaters on their own. Plus, we have the guarantees, we’ve sat on it (I’m totally in love) and it’s something we have both chose together. A decent sofa is important in making my flat as homely as possible since it hasn’t been for so long. Funny how such an adult purchase has made me feel so happy..

Then this evening I also had a conditional offer for the masters I applied for. The disappointment after yesterdays grades totally do not matter now, this was my aim anyway and I only need a pass. Oh and I need to pay off the £880 I owe. I need to pay the half I have really, otherwise I can see that disappearing !! It will be fine.

Pregnancy going ok, apart from this bloody restless leg syndrome thingy a bob. It’s just unbearable!! Maybe paracetamol will help tonight!

Posted in Uncategorized

Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

How do people not work?

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s a genuine question. I only work part time and I am already  feeling deflated and fed up by this since I finished university less than a month ago. If I wasn’t pregnant things would have been different now, I planned to use my qualification and forward my career pretty much as soon as I had graduated. I had the idea of applying to becoming a probation officer with intakes beginning in October and applications accepted from April, but life has a funny way of taking you off track. That doesn’t mean of course that it wasn’t meant to work out this way and I am a strong believer that everything does happen for a reason. My plans now are to study a masters in September, I have the opportunity to do this since I have the time and the funding is now available through student fiance so now is as good a time as any. Quite perfect timing if I say so myself. I knew I wanted another baby and I was really broody at times when the man was in prison (that’s for another day) so at least I can do the baby thing and then do the career thing. Perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong I do love people, the industry I work in I meet so many great people. All like-minded, all creative, interesting, funny, mostly smart and genuinely just fun to be around but I do get very bored doing it too. It doesn’t stimulate my brain the way I need it too and I guess that’s why its worked so well alongside studies. What do I do? Well without going into too much detail, since June 2013 I have worked in the promotions industry. I had a successful time within the leisure industry as a membership sales consultant starting from 2010. I won a trip to Las Vegas plus many other incentives and bonus’s, not to mention met my best friend and many other good friends within this company. Made a big mistake when I was headhunted into a recruitment company, basic was higher, earning potential was greater, mon – fri, just like I thought I wanted. BUT culture shock or what? Spent my weekends dredding monday. Spent the days just dredding each hour. Hated every single minute. The company left me feeling depressed. Thought it was me? I left on mutual terms, kinda, and looking back they belittled me made me feel worthless and unhappy and a complete failure. My boss, was like a jumped up devil spawned female, granted she was turning over thousands each year, but I was smarter than that. Smarter than just looking at her figures but more at how she got there. She got lucky! All there was too it, and I was meant to look up to her? No chance. She couldn’t sell ice to the eskimos, or whatever that saying is. I would try and learn from her, her crap ‘sales’ calls that ended her getting flustered and just angry if something didn’t go her way. No one liked her. The office had a HORRIBLE presence constantly and I dare not breathe out of line in case we woke the beast. Felt like I was at school. I wasn’t depressed, I just was not happy in that environment. I was not me. Always crying. I had never hated Sundays more than I did during the time at this place. It’s mad how a company can completely change you as a person, change your outlook on life and completely eat into you so much that you don’t even know who you are anymore. Anyway that ended, and it wasn’t long until I joined a new company. Much more me it was full of young people. The culture was similar to what I was used to and I enjoyed going to work. Everything was going in the right direction. Then randomly one friday BAM, I was made redundant. It still to this day, makes no sense at all but then it isn’t something that I am that bothered about. I was just angry with them, they should never have hired me in the first place if they had an inkling the business wasn’t growing the way they wanted it too OR if that wasn’t the case then at least be honest with me. Again I found myself career less with no real idea what I wanted to do. Recruitment wasn’t for me though, I knew for sure I did not want to go back into that. My CV went live again and you only have to look around and see exactly how many recruitment jobs there are to know that it’s hardly a sought after position. Certainly shows a high level of turnover and that isn’t something I want. How can a person be so disposable?! It was then I decided I would go back to Uni, I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but it would come to me. It took a year but the decision was made and now I’m here. I’ll talk of how I came to my decision another day it’s far too long for now and I don’t want to go on too much tonight. Tiring stuff this blogging.

Anyway focus, I’ll be giving up work soon. I do still have an independent project to write and I also have a learning skills course to complete for a volunteer role I have been accepted on to, so at least this does give me something to do other than a couple of days promoting random shit each week.

4D scan tomorrow and I am so excited. I cannot wait to see how my baby looks. I’ll make sure I post a picture, hopefully she doesn’t hide and play games. EEEEK exciting!