Category: Singlemum

Once again I find myself back to my old blog, annoyed at how little attention I have paid it. The blog had every intention to document my recovery journey after all what happened over 6 years ago now. Wow, time has really flown by.

I did have a couple more slips in the road whilst on my journey which coincidently I came back to blog about but it appears that when life is good, like really good I don’t feel the need to share my story or write the way I actually needed to to just get through life. It was my therapy.

It’s Valentines Day and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in like forever. This past year has been incredible for self discovery (I ran the London Marathon in 2023), security (me and my boyfriend bought a house last October) and for love. I’m engaged!!

I always knew one day I wanted to get married but I guess a lot of a defence mechanism convinced me that that would never be me. Gosh I do have so much to write about.

So on this day of celebration of love I wanted to reflect and remind others that whilst life can be cruel and hard, the hope to not only survive but thrive can keep you going. I am living proof that happily ever afters do exist.

I once believed that “Love Hurts” we go through life at times thinking that love means getting hurt, and that unless there has been ‘hard times’ accompanied by tears and pain then it’s not true. I convinced myself of this, that the toxic rollercoaster I was on had to mean for something and that the happy ending would be all “Looks like we made it
Look how far we’ve come, my baby” blah blah. It’s not only in the songs we listen to, but also the films we watch, it’s glamourised on shows like Love Island and Married at First Sight. Now I’m not undermining any relationship that has fought to be where they are but ultimately true love doesn’t hurt, or bring sadness or pain. Feeling lonely hurts, being rejected hurts, and toxic love hurts, but love should in no way hurt.

Happy Valentines Day!

It’s been over 3 weeks since the man who was a huge part of my life (granted for a short space of time) told me ‘he was going to go quiet.’

I actually had a really rough week immediately after and was struggling seeing his liked memes in my Instagram feed. They went from making sense and confirming how he told me he was feeling to things that seemed like a personal attack. Like surely he’s not stupid enough to know Instagram wouldn’t show me that shit. I found myself not posting, not being me and even deleting Instagram off my phone for 48 hours. Then when I went back to posting he was always one of the first to view my stuff and it was absorbing too much of my energy.

The Friday came, a full week since he last sent the message and I reached out. Told him I hoped he’s had a better week, that there was no hard feelings and I was sorry if there was any stress I caused. I always always tell myself to be authentically me. I didn’t expect for him to just not reply. His insta story showed he was with his mates Friday night and he looked happy and whilst I know social media can be a lie I felt like a complete mug.

I woke up Saturday actually thinking how dare he !! Who does he think he is and actually annoyed with myself for apologising, like wtf was I even apologising for. Being a big football fan I then dealt with a weekend of heartbreak after our manager got sacked. Something I made clear on my stories on insta and something HE KNOWS would have made me feel a certain way. How on earth he could just sit and view that from a distance and not say a single word or acknowledge me, doesn’t make sense. He went from telling me he cared for me, to ignoring me, to completely not caring in a little over 7 days. How does that even happen?? How can people be so cold? So broken and as an empath, something I will never ever understand.

After a day of tears and my emotions running high, rightly or wrongly in true me style I composed a message that was to the point , clear that he had hurt me, disrespected me, that he wasn’t the person I thought he was and clearly my concern for him was a complete waste of my energy. Maybe saying nothing was better but I actually couldn’t deal with seeing his name everywhere (damn algorithms) and equally he deserves to know that my ‘no hard feelings’ was actually yes there is, you can’t not be accountable and just think it’s okay to treat people like that.

I had unfollowed him on Instagram before this anyway and once I sent the message removed him from Snapchat too. Why should he still see what I post ? He lost that right when he chose to just blank me and act like I didn’t exist. Seeing him like a post saying ‘baffles me how you can go from talking to someone everyday to strangers but hey that’s life’ was quite laughable really and my lad mates also told me it was actually quite toxic and that for me was the final straw. I was never going to move on from the situation having that in my face whenever I opened the app.

Today is 2 weeks since that was sent and I actually have turned a corner in the last few days. I have been having far too many messy weekends tho & voiding my feelings with alcohol and other men, but no regrets. Sometimes a bit of an off the rails situation needs to happen and the men in question are ones I’ve known for many years and bloody know they’d never just ignore me! If I needed them, they’d be there for me and whilst unfortunately don’t see as husband material I enjoy their company. I mean I never bloody saw this one as husband material either so I’m not even sure what I was expecting!

Reflecting and being accountable is something that aligns with my values. Whilst the hugest part of me was saying if he was sorry he’d tell you, if he wanted to be friends he’d reach out there was that side of me that was thinking that perhaps his pride was stopping him, fear of rejection etc. I had noticed that even after he eventually unfollowed me also on insta he came back a day later and viewed my stories. Why did he do that? Curiosity ? Went to message me but saw I was out? I guess something else that won’t ever make sense.

Whilst I was past ever rekindling anything being romantic again it really isn’t in my nature to just be so disconnected. To feel like we ended on bad terms. I always want to try make peace and I was thinking of late that one day I would check in on him again and perhaps we could be friends and even play COD again. Today had been the happiest day I’ve had since it happened and whilst I fully accept that football has far too much control over my emotions lol I had also been reminding myself that he was never my forever anyway, he didn’t have enough time for me and actually all of his behaviour now says so much more about him than me.

Tonight I was online on my PlayStation and the stupid thing gives me a notification when friends go online. Not long after that I clocked he had actually removed me from there too! I mean I’m actually laughing typing this.. why’s he acting all hurt and weird. I have people on there I don’t even know and he’s waited 2 weeks to do this, and it’s not like this was the first time he’s been on. It’s really not that deep but clearly for him it is. He obviously saw I was online too and thought nope I don’t want that reminder thankyou 🤣🤣. I obviously have asked him why, but didn’t get a response so I’ve just said that clearly there’s an issue and perhaps he doesn’t like being told how he’s made someone feel. I ended it by wishing him well and to take care. Not expecting a reply, don’t even want one so I’ve muted him just in case.

I remember when we were talking about our word for the 2022 and he said ‘accountability’ well that’s a joke isn’t it. Maybe he needs to learn what the word means, I certainly think he needs to grow up and all of this is so unattractive. Maybe he was put off by my reaction but my gosh that was tame compared to what I’ve given people in the past and definitely tame compared to what some girls would do. I have an inner crazy, hurt me, I tell you, deal with it!

To be honest I’m really at peace with it, at peace with the fact that actually it isn’t anything to do with me, it’s fully on him and he evidentially has some issues he needs to address.

Tomorrow is a new day and I choose to communicate with those who do value me, do see my good qualities and do want me in their life. As my man friend said to me this week ‘you’re beautiful, give off good energy, funny and a great mother’. I choose to focus on the good stuff this situationship showed me and whilst I’ve struggled to make sense of it all and actually felt sad about all the good stuff and the fact it’s ended, I can switch that too realising that actually he saw the best version of me, absolutely enjoyed it too whilst it lasted and clearly it’s him who needs to work on something and not me. 😃

Two weeks ago things were good. I remember it quite vividly, it was a Friday morning and he had sent me a reel on Instagram and we spoke about how we’d act in the situation that the couple in the reel was. He had me laughing at my phone, making me smile .. making me feel wanted and we just vibed so well. This incident wasn’t isolated. I genuinely couldn’t believe how well we were getting on. He was interested in my day to day life, always engaging and we never once argued about anything. For someone with an anxious attachment style I felt pretty secure and happy.

Not arguing was huge for me, the last one who my last blog was about always seemed to argue and often it seemed like it was with himself and so when he said ‘fuck this I can’t deal with your snowflake mentality it’s ridiculous’ , I didn’t even care. I was done anyway. As much as he bought me flowers, was keen to actually build something , he was just far too opinionated and toxic for me. I couldn’t see how we could get past some of his views and manipulative behaviours. I only gave him a chance because he was so persistent and decided I needed to stop shutting men out. I don’t regret it but he definitely wasn’t for me.

I remember matching this latest one back end of 2020. I was getting over another entanglement that knocked me for six and whilst I enjoyed his conversation I was very reluctant to meet him. I didn’t want to meet anyone. That obviously showed and the conversation just dwindled. Since then there were a few replies to stories on social media but nothing that made me want to even engage on a level again. The chase , we shall call it, started again beginning of November and of course I felt flattered with the love heart emojis that were sent to my selfies but since I was seeing the argumentative one I didn’t engage too much. When argue man exited himself from my life I entertained it more thinking how I didn’t want anything deep but it was an enjoyable distraction. End of December we finally met. I must add here that once again it was him who initiated this. I went into it not expecting anything deep but when he kept coming back and initiating conversations, naturally I got closer and closer to him.

Something only started to feel different after he crashed his car a week last Monday, obviously I was silently adamant I must have done something because of course I always blame myself, but I was very conscious to not make it about me or even ask if it was about me. Wednesday evening I asked if everything was okay and he voicenoted me back saying he owed me an apology and that his head was just a bit gone. We had a nice conversation again and I was satisfied that it wasn’t me and just generally he was off in his man cave. I gave him a lot of space, I didn’t want to bug him and albeit we still communicated there were a couple of times we went over 24 hours not speaking. Which comparing it to the previous 7 weeks was very alien.

Fast forward to this Wednesday morning I asked how he was feeling and told him that I missed him. I knew this could either prompt him to end it or get a conversation but I needed answers. I felt in limbo, didn’t know where I stood and I felt sad.

His reply told me that he literally wants his own company when he feels this way, he’s not eating well and the message genuinely started like he wanted to end it , however he then ended the message with lots of questions about me. I replied although confused and ended my message telling him that I cared for him and that I hope he feels better soon because I had bought him some sweets for Valentine’s Day that I wanted to give to him.

I hand on my heart did not expect a reply. I was expecting it to be the start of the end and I gave myself the pep talk. I didn’t even ask him a question completely giving him the opportunity to shut the conversation down. I was fully prepared then to say goodbye.

Few hours passed and he sent another message, I felt sick once again so sure this was going to be the ‘it’s not you it’s me’ fuck off please message I was fearing would come. It wasn’t. More conversation and was also told that he cares for me too and would come get the sweets soon. I was shocked but it felt good, I knew I could give him the space he needs and I’d be there when he was ready.

Conversation continued and that evening he came to see me after work. He had said work was likely to finish early and tipsy me just asked if he was in a ‘I want my own company mood.’ He wasn’t, didn’t need to be asked twice and told me he’d come. It was a complete rollercoaster of emotions day but it ended perfectly. I cuddled him, told him I’d be there for him, it was the usual intimate passionate affectionate sex that had me so drawn to him and whilst annoyed I had been blaming myself for the past week I felt confident again.

Less than 48 hours later I get a message out the blue telling me he’s struggling, he’s got a lot of personal issues he needs to deal with, he’s going to go quiet, he can’t deal with conversation but still “wants to play COD from time time and that”. (Dafuq) It said it wasn’t personal at all and hoped I understood.

My reply was a lot calmer than what it should have been, because no I don’t fucking understand. I don’t at all. Why on earth push good people away from your life when times are tough? When he had plenty of opportunity to end it on Wednesday but instead came to my bed and let me believe he cared for me. How is that not selfish? How is that not messing with my head? I did tell him he shouldn’t have seen me Wednesday and I hope he feels that! I hope he knows that. You can’t treat people like that, and whilst I actually do respect him for being honest rather than me being an idiot waiting around for him I am certain he must have knew this before sleeping with me on Wednesday!

I’ve cried a lot this evening , last night we spoke like normal and I wasn’t even planning on reaching out to him today as I was out this evening so it came literally randomly. Him just making a conscious decision to mug me off like that. It’s very hard to not take it personally, I know I’m told men do deal with things like this but if he actually wanted me regardless of how he was feeling, he wouldn’t want to let me go.

So I feel not good enough, I feel fucking stupid getting him a valentines gift. I feel angry for sleeping with him less than 48 hours ago. I feel rejected especially after telling him I’d be there for him and it just simply isn’t enough.

I guess the fact I wasn’t seeing him for long is a good thing and that I didn’t really see a future. Although right now I’m just collecting those heartbreak cards. Didn’t even allow myself to get close enough to anyone in the majority of 2021 after 2020s heartbreak and that 2020 guy was the first since my abusive ex destroyed me between 2016 and 2017. I won’t give up hope though, I refuse too but I do need to have some time out before I even consider letting anyone in again!!

I work on myself (some more) , I get feeling good for the summer, and enjoy all the positive stuff in my life and yes whilst I don’t need a man… I would like one. Xx

I really should have written more. My last post was back in January and more recently I remember how good writing used to make me feel. Well, perhaps good is the wrong word, but it certainly made me feel better about all the hardship I was enduring. It also acts as a good reminder of what I really went through, I say good this time and I do mean it. Good because at times its easy to forget how absolutely traumatic my life was at times.

I start this writing again surrounded by bin bags full of my clothes. after just 13 months at this house I am having to move again and I am pretty pissed off if I am completely honest. Greedy landlords not giving a toss about anyone else and a messed up industry leaves me pretty screwed but hey it is what it is and I have been through worse.

I haven’t spoken to my abusive ex for about 3 months now. The last phone call I had from him I didn’t let him speak and I hung up. I do wonder now what he was going to say. I found out through the grapevine he went back to prison for a bit but he’s out now and I am shocked he has walked and didn’t even contact my daughter on her birthday. In June I slept with him, I think there was 3 times in total I did this since his release last October. He spent many months telling me he wanted his family back, that he still loved me, and there were times when I felt sorry for him. I knew I didn’t want to get in to deep again and I just wanted him to maintain his relationship with my daughter. He was adamant after all that she was his, regardless and he wanted to be there for her. The reason I had to cut him off was I found out he was back with the girl he cheated on me with when I was pregnant. I was no way getting involved again in no toxic sick love triangle and it triggered a lot for me. Even without being intimate with me he would come round and see Ariana and make comments on how I looked, touched me in ways someone shouldn’t and it was dangerous. I just could not let my self fall for him again, I had come too far. His defence for shacking up with that girl was “you didn’t want me”. What is wrong with him being with someone else or simply just being alone… proving once more that he is a weak man that needs validation.

I will write more about this situation when I have the energy, but I am finding it tough again. Ariana went through a phase saying “my daddy hates me as he never wants to see me” so she is my priority right now. I found a number I had for him 2 days ago and text asking if we could talk….. and still nothing. I literally longed for this, wished so much that he would just walk but doing it now has made me angry. He shouldn’t have come out of jail and behaved like dad of the year to then just drop her like this. Begged me to keep the relationship strong and I did that despite him not deserving it at all. The worrying thing is I guess is that I know it’s likely he will pipe up sometime. Whether that’s by bumping into him or what , I don’t really know. I just need to stay strong.

Maybe I would care less if I had someone significant in my life, maybe the whole him having the skank as a girlfriend wouldn’t have got to me as much if I had someone. The problem was by me not having someone meant he was cheating on her with me and I literally am not being party to that bullshit stuff again.

I still see the rebound ex guy (I really shouldn’t) he now knows the full story of the paternity questions around Ariana. He was good to talk to, and made me feel better about the situation. I never once lied about it, and that is something I can hold me head high with to my grave. It still doesn’t make sense to me. She is soooo like him! Certain faces she makes I see him and the bond they had despite not even being together that much was very real. Is that even possible if they are not blood? From day 1 he knew the risks, right from when I was pregnant I told him, after July 2018 he believed the DNA test was faulty his mother did behind my back and was very much sure that it didn’t matter to him anyway. “She wouldn’t have been born if it wasn’t for me” and “that little girl needs a dad and that’s going to be me”.. Regardless, it currently seems I made a mistake by allowing him to mess with her poor little head. He has walked as soon as he has realised there is no chance of me and him getting back together and that’s shocking. Whilst I knew he saw us as a package I didn’t think he would do this. He was there at her birth for God sake, made me re-register her birth so she had his name (that was an awful day) and spent nearly 5 years calling himself daddy to her. How can anyone just walk? Well I know I said I’d explain more when I had more energy but that’s it in a nutshell.

It often crosses my mind that I’ve lost Ariana a daddy because I didn’t get back with him. That maybe I should have so Ariana had someone she could call daddy but then when I remind myself of what my life was like with him, she would much rather this life. She is so affectionate with me, tells me she loves me all the time and she never wants to lose me. Being a single mum does have those benefits, I am all she knows and really I need to tell myself. I am all she needs.

.. this time. I am letting him, letting him sulk and behaving like a child.

I am literally telling myself, why the hell are you putting up with this??

So 3 weeks later and once again I am banging my head against a brick wall. This time, last week I was with him. Being affectionate, we cuddled all night literally entwined with one another. The night before I saw him again, that was a spontaneous rendenvous after me once again just trying to understand why he won’t commit. More on that in a bit.

We have had 3 weeks of full on communication, he invovles me with all aspects of his life. Starting a new temporary job, his redundancy, helping him purchase a bike from Facebook. We facetime, he rings me randomly, voicenotes back and forth and he’s been opening up to me a lot. I have felt pretty secure. I have leant back, let him text last and he texts first etc etc… but then last Wednesday I just had to ask and understand why the tinder.. I didn’t get an answer. He played victim but saying that ‘you deserve better, as soon as someone better comes along you would drop me in a heartbeat’ and other absolute bullshit. I bought into it, I told him straight… “I want you” he laughed and called me crazy but luckily we didnt have a big drama and after a 2 hour phone call I ended up at his.

Last week again I was convinced he was just avoidant, he was a commitment phobe and everything else he was telling me. I was prepared to continue, I love him in my life but when things like this happen I just feel so hurt! So devastated!

Anyway yesterday he made a joke saying ‘I’d swipe right’ on a stupid picture… goads me, he wants a reaction. I then said yeh youd swipe right on anything. He put ‘like you lol’ and I said yes and look 8 months later you still can’t get rid of me… (laughing face emoji) . He put “working on it”. First hurtful comment!

Then he sent a picture that was clearly taken at 3pm in the afternoon of an item he was picking at work of a dildo! My instant reaction was ‘who has he sent that too’… ok maybe crazy but lets be real here… he’s openly still on tinder and had highlighted to me in the same conversation he is and that he is ‘working on’ getting rid of me!! I said “do not send me pictures you have sent to other people please” and left it… not that bad right… anyway he snapped told me he had taken it for me but had caught on his phone and he’s not sending me anything ever again. I made it into a joke and just said you will… he put No. I left it by saying you’re just tired and cranky. Night with kissy emojis and xx. Today he hasn’t spoke to me all day!

How the hell is he hurt that I would even suggest he sent a picture to someone else when he hasn’t given me any reason to not think hes talking to other girls!

I need to use this time to lean back, way way back, I had even offered earlier on the week to help him get home today after dropping his car off , which he didn’t actually decline or confirm and offered to cook him dinner one evening. I am putting way more investment into him than even myself at the moment. He doesn’t appreciate everything I do for him, and I get nothing in return. It’s my birthday next week, and I feel so sad that he wouldn’t even consider getting me a card or anything! Gosh even an old flame messaged me tonight and was saying lets get a hotel and take away etc etc (bloody lockdown) … why isn’t he doing this stuff for me?

Why do I not think I am worthy of more? I am the only one in this ‘relationship’. I need to work on myself. I deserve someone who wants to commit to me, make me feel secure and be desperate not to lose me. I am beginning to resent him, he’s pushing me away. I feel so sad that I’m just his “right now” DESPITE HIM SAYING thats what he is to me. He’s a fucking emotional manipulative mess.

I am stubborn and don’t want to reach out. I also don’t want to make it awkward again. I wonder how long he will go….

.. because I want my blender back!

I woke up this morning after a vivid dream of him ignoring me. I anxiously checked my emails despite being convinced I wouldn’t check until I got to my desk at work.

He had replied!

There were a couple of email exchanges and then I moved it to WhatsApp. He told me in his email he just needed some time and the day I blocked him he really coulda done with his Kerry bear. He repeated this later on saying that all he knew was that he needed or wanted me but wasn’t sure which one. He joked about how I dropped a Kerry nuke but was just hurt after my reaction.

I’m in two minds here , 1 is, did he only want me because I was gone and he had lost control or had it made him realise? 2, I see so many posts about how men need space when these things happen and they retreat but is this REALLY ok? Or is it emotional manipulation?

He has tried to gauge where my head is it. He asked me what level of contact was I expecting as he wanted to make sure he didn’t over or under deliver. I told him I wasn’t expecting anything and he should decide. He suggested contact without telling him to shove books up his arse or die lonely. Whoops. I laughed out loud, didn’t tell him that.

I’ve missed him like mad. I cannot change that and I was horrible without him around. I’m ok now we are talking. I’ve set boundaries, he even suggested a quick meet earlier as he was in my town for a cuddle but I didn’t. It is important I stick to my boundaries and not just pine and cave. I’m fine with being friends…

The problem is I am such a talker I get a million and one opinions and I really don’t think that’s helpful. I’ve had one friend say they think it’s weird we didn’t have sex till date 4. I absolutely don’t! They also think it’s weird we both got std checks in the early days of having sex. I don’t. Suggesting that he’s still with his ex and they just don’t live together. I categorically do not believe this is the case. My single mum friends think differently to my married friends for example too. Like how we only saw each other once a week so yes he must not be that bothered and clearly sleeping around … spending 4 hours on the phone watching Netflix whilst I hear his kids in the background says differently. Like seriously if I questioned all that I would drive myself mad. I trust this side of him.. until others opinions get inside my head of course.

He’s had 2 failed relationships, have had I .. so as my single mum friend said actually they do take it slower and more patient because it’s so important it doesn’t happen again.

See what I mean what a mess!

Anyway the point right now is anyway, he’s there for me to bounce off during the day.. I have my friend back. Which makes me happy. We are not right for a relationship but he’s around.

I don’t know why I can’t sleep!

… and this one hurts. Really hurts.

It has been a week since I have spoken to him and it wasn’t a nice phone call. He had finally answered the phone to me after over 24 hours of silence after an exchange of voicenotes that prompted me to go a little OTT.

He was so cold, he acted like I was the most evil person in the world, called me malicious and told me I had pushed him away. I was devastated. As women do, I shared the exchange with a number of people, not one person told me my voice note warranted his paddy, or that it was malicious, that in fact it was quite funny. However his voice note was rude, condescending and obnoxious. A very good friend who actually understands human behaviour very well, said any rational personal would hear my response and instantly think oh whoops I have upset her and want to apoligise. Not him though. He’s so selfish.

It was over a typo, yep you read it write, a bloody typo. A typo that I had made in an old social media post back in 2017. He called me an idiot, that preaches but can’t even speak English and that I fucked up. I made it clear that I didn’t fuck up, and in fact I am brilliant and if he can’t see that he can die alone with his grammar book. OBVIOUSLY I did not wish him dead, everyone dies one day, my response was a knee jerk reaction basically saying keep pushing me and he will die alone WHEN HE’S OLD without me or anyone for that matter for being such an arrogant prick. He seemed pretty sure on the phone that I had pushed him away, no one had ever talked to him like that in his life (yet his ex keyed his car a few weeks back) and that I am horrible.

I sat on in for a further 24 hours after the phone call and after apoligising again via text and basically taking all the blame. Afterall he told me ‘the problem with you is you take everything to heart.’ I actually believed he was right, that that is a problem. Then I realised, after more silence from him. How the fuck is he not taking any responsibility, he goaded me, he pushed me, he knows I take things to heart but felt the need to criticise me anyway. This is gaslighting “you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, you’re horrible” because of circumstances HE created. Not to mention my frustration at the fact he was home alone watching netflix and he didn’t seem that bothered about seeing me. We had plans for the following day but after 8 months I really want that love where you can’t stay away from each other. The messages and facetime before this incident was about him ‘banning me from sex’, satire maybe but I am not so sure with him. Now when I sit here and think about soooo many conversations, he often left me thinking WTAF! Why should love be hard? Well it shouldn’t.

Last Wednesday morning I sent an essay message and blocked him. I made it clear that actually no he pushed ME away. I would never have reacted like that if he made me feel secure, wanted or desired. I have to face reality here, after 8 months, I had had enough. I remained patient for him due to how often he was having his kids over the school holidays due to being furloughed. There were a handful of times in the previous months I told him how he was making me feel and only the first time did he actually accept responsibility and understand where I was coming from. Other times when I expressed my dissatisfaction he would say ‘well it seems like you have made your mind up’ , I often put this down to having his walls up, self sabotage and coming from a place of pity but perhaps it was just his way of manipulating.

4 weeks prior to the block we had a talk on the Thursday evening, from one minute making out he only wanted to see me so we could ‘talk’ to then requesting that we didn’t talk and only chilled, we ended up having the talk anyway. He seemed genuine, nervous, a little emotional and muttered things about how he may regret what he says in the morning. He told me he enjoyed what we have, but due to his life being a mess he cannot give me what I want, need or deserve right now. I cried a lot, I assumed it was over but he had this aura about him that made me think, no it’s ok I can take my time with this. Weekend came and we were messaging, we facetimed saturday night when I was drunk and he messaged me first thing in the morning. In my needy hungover state I asked him what he was up to, he said nothing you.. I replied and then silence for over 4 hours. During that 4 hours I learnt he was on tinder.. I initially tried to call him but no answer.. I then text him but deleted the messages. When he called me back I basically just said I can’t wait around for you if you’re on tinder, he flipped, he manipulated the situation again and said ‘well you’ve clearly called to have a go at me and end it so it’s done.’ I was in bits, he made me believe he was actually on the way to see me because he had been thinking about me. I don’t think I believe him now. He told me I should trust him, that I know that we’re exclusive and he even told me on Thursday he still had the app. Why the fuck did I accept that?? Yes he did tell me but 36 hours later I decided that it isn’t OK… I AM ALLOWED TO VOICE MY OPINION! On the Monday I couldn’t eat, I hated myself, I blamed myself. Our previous evening conversation was so nice and I just didn’t understand what went so wrong.

Within a week he was back in my bed. My tears were over nothing. I didn’t text him all day and it was him to make the first move, then out of no where he was ringing me and texting like nothing had happened again. When I saw him I wasn’t allowed to bring it up, when I tried he said ‘I knew I shouldn’t have come’ so I just changed the subject. Knowing that should anything like this happen again I needed to get out. After then, that night was so fun, he even mentioned about me meeting his family one day. Maybe he was just drunk, I don’t know. Between then and now, it was good, we had our banter, we spoke daily, all day. He always text me good morning and I felt like maybe tindergate had bucked up his ideas. He told me even before I saw him again that he wasn’t actually on it it was just notifications he clicked on. BUT why even have it… why not just say ‘I will delete it’ he shouldn’t want to lose me after he was in the wrong. NOT the other way round.

Saturday night I had planned to say something about this on Monday when we were due to meet. I know he had his daughter but I needed more from him. I moved house 3 weeks ago and it wasn’t until after the event he implied he would have helped me. He had then text me quite late and told me if I was still awake he was going to come over. He was obviously childfree why not tell me before hand! Not only did he often have his 2 children but also the children of his exes, baring in mind 1 ex keyed his car and they can only communicate via email WHY THE FUCK IS HE HAVING HER CHILD THAT’S NOT EVEN HIS. At the time I put it down to him being a decent human, but it doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t.

There are far too many incidents from the past 8 months that were screaming at me. Red flags galore. I am so cross I ignored them. So cross I saw the good in him. I put my own wants, needs and happiness aside for him. He ensured me he wanted me, he even made a twitter to get in contact with me when his phone broke, he made me believe we was going somewhere but now I wonder whether it was all just an act. But why? I struggle with this, just not understanding. I feel like I’ve been involved in an emotional warfare where perhaps if I had done this or that we would be all okay now. I didn’t even really like him at the beginning, I was the asshole who pushed him away abit.. this was when he showed me vulnerability. Told me he wanted to see me. Saw me 4 times within like 8 days and then school holidays came and bam one time we went 3 weeks! Why did he change? Was it me? I feel like it was me, perhaps he just realised I wasn’t his forever. When I told him that on the phone the last time we spoke he said that is wasn’t true….. but his actions told me it was.

All that being said I miss him SO much. We were each others sound board (his words), we gave each other running commentaries of our days, sent pictures of our food, had our own fantasy football league going and he felt like my best friend. Maybe I was just too desperate to have him as a boyfriend and ignored out all the bits that I actually deserved. I was falling in love with him and that is what sucks. I told him this on the phone and he said ‘how convenient’, he didn’t believe me.

If he is prepared to cut me off after such a stupid argument after everything I have done (which 95% of fucking women would never have put up with) then he just isn’t worth this heartache. If I hadn’t had blocked him I am certain he would have come back at some point, (unless he is a complete lettuce like one of my male mates said) no one could have stayed mad at my voice-note for too long. It wasn’t even bad, he was just sulking, BUT I needed to make sure he doesn’t come back and this all happen again! I needed to be strong. I also don’t regret my voice-note, I was being me, I was hurting, and there is no point dwelling because if it wasn’t that it would have been something else. I must remember that.

My fantasy football team beat his, 96 points to 85. It pains me to not gloat about that lol. I also have 50 matches on tinder in 2 days, it hurts to think of him meeting someone new. Maybe giving her everything that I wanted, but I think that’s unlikely, he’s fucking hard work and I believe he has a lot of work he needs to do on himself.

What’s next?? I’m going to have fun, lockdown brought so many challenges and probably one of the main reasons I kept him by me for so long. If lockdown hadn’t have happened I would have gone on holidays, festivals, night outs and not have been so desperate and needy. Maybe if lockdown hadn’t have happened we wouldn’t be where we are now, and it wouldn’t have ended in a block but I still wouldn’t have liked how he spoke to me sometimes or didn’t respect me enough to reply (when he was in a “funk”). It perhaps would have just fizzled out rather that it be so brutal though, but it is what it is.

Oh well here’s to finding someone who deserves me 🙂