Behind These Bluest Eyes

until I run half a marathon!!

I did park run this morning and it took me 38 minutes!! Ok not massively terrible but not great either. At least it’s a time to aim for and beat now.

I have also been to the gym 4 times this week and my steps have increased loads on previous weeks. Eating however, hmmm not so great. I’m still 6lb up from before Christmas! I feel it!

I managed to go running this morning because my ex watched our baby. He watched her yesterday too, (either that or I would need to of had the day off work) as she has another ear infection. I had a meeting on Thursday with my social worker and other professionals. They know what happened and they agree that I have come to the end of trying to fight, there’s little point and in fairness IF he steps up then it’s a good situation for me. We’ve seen what him and his family are capable of if we go through court and I’m tired! The system is a joke, how he can lie like that about someone and then get away with it is absurd. The courts allowing more abuse with no repercussions. That’s the reality.

It’s hard being a mum, even harder when you’ve got to do it on your own. Yes I have support but it’s nothing like how it could be, like I have with my eldest for example. My social worker mentioned that he is not a risk to our baby, also made the comment that he has accepted it has all been abuse and has accepted help and asked for it. Admits it all and this is all he is saying to me. That he was so caught up with that life, he lost sight of what he really wanted. This is why it is so easy to get caught up in the cycle. As much as I am being strong and I know it can all be words. It STILL makes me think! I start to wonder if, and blame myself slightly. Like maybe if I had done this a year ago, actually meant it, we would be in a different situation now. These types of men are good right, really good! I am STILL taking some of the blame.

I do feel strong, I don’t want or imagine a future with him. He’s doing everything to try and change that though, and I know he won’t give up.

Gosh I’m knackered. Must be that running 🏃‍♀️ 😝. Had a lush day again with my beautiful baby, and I am looking forward to a short week next week for half term💓

Sorry I’ve been a little absent. My essays have taken over massively and I have also been in a situation where I wasn’t sure on how much I wanted to disclose. I am still in two minds.

The good news is I have 1 completed essay, only 1 more to go. I should be doing it now really. It’ll get done and how great that will feel woo. This week hasn’t been great for diet and exercise. I lost my Fitbit and I needed sugar to keep me going with uni stuff. Fitbit sent me a new one though and so I’m back on that from today. Food will start on Monday! Famous last words! Enjoyed a meal out with my mini princess and friends today.

Ok so here it is. I have had contact with my ex. I was so so shocked when I saw him, it was very surreal and he did something that would have got him arrested in a second. He tells me that it was because he was so desperate to see me he didn’t care. I know him though and it also highlights how much he really will push boundaries in order to get what he wants. We’ve had contact this week, and it’s tough. The empath in me finds it very tough. I hate hate seeing him so upset, so broken and so desperate. I hate hearing how sorry he is, how much he hates himself and hearing him cry. I am still very strong and can and will not ever be in his life like that again but isn’t it funny that I hate the thought of him hurting. Karma has got him but I’m taking on his guilt. Despite the pain he caused me, how much I’m still suffering I still could never be as evil as he was to me. I wish I could, but I just don’t have it in me. I still see that manipulative side to him, for example he’s told me that even if it’s in 5 years time he will not give up on getting his family back. In his next breath he says ‘I know we said 5 years but I just want that here now.’ I never agreed to the 5 years, certainly not but in his mind.. I did and I will. I care for him still, of course I do. He’s my daughters dad and I still know and remember that nice side of him. He’s said many times that that side of him would never treat me like he has, he even has blanked out some of the violence. He needs counselling to not allow this to affect the rest of his life. I am well aware of lovebombing, I am well aware of how this is how the cycle of abuse works and for that I can only be thankful for all this has taught me. I felt like a fraud at the beginning of the week, I again felt ashamed I didn’t just call the police when I should have BUT I am stronger now and as long as I stay with this mindset I can do this. The truth is the system is that much of a mess I just cannot see how involving them anymore will help me, or help my beautiful baby.

As previously mentioned fighting him and denying contact is stressful and mentally draining. I see many women who have lost their children due to going through the courts and that would crucify me. He knew what he needed to do to get access and court dates and bitterness is something I can do without. He is serious about a relationship with his daughter and the idea of that is appealing. Very appealing.

I have a meeting with social services next week and I will do everything properly. A domestic abuser counsellor has mentioned how it needs to be about contact with his daughter and not me. If we’ve arranged a Friday evening pick up, I cannot still be waiting till Saturday afternoon for example. He also needs to understand that when he has his daughter he cannot be interested about what I’m doing.

Gosh what a mess, but hey I knew it was coming. It was bound to one day. He was never going to stay away for ever. That was inevitable. I need to just remain in control of my emotions and not allow him any control.

Boy, anyway I best get cracking on that 2nd essay. I also have something else I am feeling very excited for.

Watch this space.

Xxx

And your children of course!

I have had a very surreal day and it’s not even something I can blog about. I will reveal at some point but I can’t right now. Not 100% sure how I feel about the events from today, I feel confused! Me being the person I am is finding that difficult but it’s for the best at the moment. It follows on from my breakthrough the other day. I also found out it wasn’t him in court after all.

I am still considering contact for my baby. Like previously stated, in an ideal world. He steps up and becomes a good honest loyal dad, I believe he can but if he doesn’t then as long as I keep it all recorded I will have reasons for why contact was denied. Judges these days do not care, the man could have beaten my close to death but would still win access via a court order and that’s the truth! Who wants a lengthy drawn out court case if it can be avoided? I have always always stated I would not be bitter, as events have developed I have feared I will be. I hope with support from the correct people (aka social services) then we can avoid any more bitterness, nastiness or court orders. I have to have some faith right ?? Talking of social services she hasn’t seen us in 3 weeks! She told me on Wednesday she was coming on Friday! Hmm it’s meant to be weekly visits!

Being a single mum is hard. It’s even harder when there is no father on the scene at all. I’m booking up festivals for the summer and it would be good if my baby had her dad to have her rather than me feeling like a burden or worrying about her. I had it easy with my first daughter, really easy. Like I said faith! I need it!

Having some faith has eased me. I for a while have been scared of a long drawn out process. I’m sick of court stuff, sick of it!

One of my favourite sayings and one I choose to live by now. I let someone dull my sparkle for too long. I had a breakthrough yesterday, the pack of lies isn’t bothering me so much now. Why should it? It’s all lies and that’s obvious. I got some closure I needed and it’s settled me.

All I need to do now is work on erasing the nasty memories from my head. I hate how I vision the pregnant me following him up the road begging him to not leave me on my own. We had been out for food (after failed promises), he wasn’t very nice to me but at least we were together. I remember it being summer, he then made an argument out of nothing and said he couldn’t be around me. I followed him, whilst he told me I was embarrassing, needy and pathetic. I threatened suicide, I was so so lonely. He just kept pushing me away, telling me to get off him. All I wanted was to not feel lonely and worthless anymore. This happened so many times.

I believe sometimes my body and mind is missing the chaos. I relive it because it’s what I’m used to. I relive it because it was so significant in my life and it’s all I know.

I had a moment on Thursday where I thought ‘omg one day I may go back to him.’ Then I snapped out of it and realised NO. Ive come far too far now and that’s one of the reasons why I went so public. I needed to protect myself from EVER GOING BACK. My breakthrough yesterday though has changed my thought process with child contact. We will see. The whole process of being accused of ‘parent alienation’ and more bitterness makes the journey seem a hell of a lot harder. However that’s as long as he is responsible enough to be a father, that will require some major changes.

I’ve slept today, and chilled out. Tonight I’m off out with my sister. I probably should get my essays done but oh well…

Xxx

I’m blogging earlier tonight. I’ve had a rough day kinda, well I don’t know!

It started off well then I was hit with an image of the new Leeds United badge and the fact wireless has sold out! Gutted! What made it worse was I was on the booking page , I was on it just yesterday but then because of postage fees I suggested we all booked together. Fucks sake!

Then my friend messaged me, she has a little boy with my ex’s friend. She told me that yesterday was their last court date and the judge ruled no contact at all. Great news! However she mentioned my ex was there too! I felt sick, he was meant to be 70 miles away!! He had a hearing himself, whether that was his drugs charge or the breach of the non mol I don’t know! But it’s tipped me back over, I still feel physically sick. I can’t eat right now (which isn’t a bad thing) and I’ve spent a good hour ranting to my friend again about that statement!

I even drove on auto-pilot and skipped the gym which also put me in a bad mood! Before I knew it I was at the nursery and had no chance of getting to the gym on time!

Without even re-reading the awful statement of lies I have so much going on in my head! None of it is fact! None of it! I still can’t believe he had anything to do with it! Why was the second statement signed and not that one? Why?!

My ex is a proud man. An asshole, but proud! I find it hard to believe he would be prepared to admit that he allowed me to be a prostitute whilst pregnant and more recently! I say admit because none of it is true! This is a man who on fear of even us splitting up would say ‘as if I’m having a baby mum out every weekend’ but he’d have a baby mum selling her body right?! Course fucking not!

Equally he told me off for drinking too much Dr Pepper let alone cocaine!! The words such as ‘casual relationship and not serious’, what a cold nasty thing to say. Not to mention untrue, I have proof of our correspondence when he was in jail and none of it says that ‘I should leave him alone.’ All of the letters he wrote are saved in a box, all telling me how I’m his soul mate how he loves me and planning our future together! Are they crazy!!??

I have proof he was dealing drugs! I have proof he didn’t end the relationship in March or April or whatever he states! How do I contact him in jail asking to be a family ?? The emails I did write to him (again I can prove) are not nice at all. He was the one ringing me, he wrote me a letter which every fucker read! (Including his mum and sister) ! Funny they both said ‘don’t believe him, actions speak louder than words.’ Now they’ve turned this vicious and nasty on me!

I still want to speak to him. I really do! I am struggling to shake that off. I want to hear him tell me what the fuck he’s playing at! I even felt sorry for him again earlier! He’s NEVER going to come back from this, he’s kissed goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter because he’s let it spiral to this attack through court. None of this was necessary the weird psychopathic liars!! It isn’t even about contact, there was no purpose other than to make me feel like this!

I need to erase it from my mind. Put it in a box and focus on what is important. They are not important. They are awful human beings, they are sinners and karma will get them and their sad pathetic existence of life!

On a positive I’ve ate well, and when I can eat I have some chicken and salad.

Come on Kerry , do not allow them to control your emotions and your life anymore!

X

And that’s ‘no evidence’.

Unfortunately my solicitor had to reschedule this morning. However I got together all the paperwork I have to write my final position statement for court.

Of course the poison awful lies are still inside my head, I even feel them so heavy on my heart. How can someone who was once ‘in love’ with me say such things, or if my theory is correct and it was his mother, how can someone who also acted so supportive of me make up such nasty vile crap in the desperate attempt to discredit me and attack me.

All I’ve done is raise your own flesh and blood for the past 16 months. I work full time to provide for my children. I make sure they have nice clothes, fun toys, food in there belly’s and are clean and well cared for. In return you make up the stuff you have. Hell will get them, karma will get them first and beings he has a new found love of the bible they best apologise to God for they have sinned!

I am still amazed at how they think this would ‘work’, well unsure of what their intentions are really. The only intention I see is they want to continue to abuse me. It’s sick!

My most recent social services paperwork literally counteracts everything he has said. The whole report states he is a risk, it states that if I don’t do as they say and basically allow contact then they will seek legal action to take my children. It is clear that if it wasn’t for him social services would not be involved, it also mentions the times he’s been arrested. Yet apparently he learnt the error or his ways from jail.

They are not bright, he even stated he was in jail for 18 months, when it was 16! Then made up some bullshit about how I only visited once in the last 8 months (they can check these things) and he got chlamydia when he got out (again can be checked).

My friend made a valid point today too, ‘so if he ended the relationship in March 2016 (later saying April 2016) then what was he doing at all the events with me! Family birthdays, BBQs, my friends baby girls christening. On my due date (September 11th 2016) at my friends BBQ, drinking rum yet he rarely drinks apparently. He didn’t come home that night, told me he was going to but clearly had no intention at all because he was cheating on me. The next morning he came back telling me he drank too much and passed out at a mates. He then lovebombed me, told me how beautiful I was and I had no choice but to believe him. We went to my midwife appointment, and then continued to abuse me more later that day when I was admitted into hospital. Believe it or not.

He claims he’s never been intoxicated in front of the children, I have a video where he was! I have voice recordings where he openly says things that definitely incriminates him.

Basically by pushing this and lying so bad for absolutely no benefit to yourselves, I will only keep talking. The difference is I talk the truth, yours are all lies.

I dyed my hair today. The red was meant to be my ‘I’ve gone’ statement back in March last year.

I even remember when my friend dyed it and the police came round to get my ‘I’m dropping my statement’ statement. I felt so strong then, I really felt like phoning the police for the first time would get him away . I felt like the threat was enough, but nope. I was sucked back in some more.

So now I’m back to dark, I had red hair when he first met me. Red hair the best part of last year and he always commented that he liked it.

It’s now my ‘be who I was before all the fucking shit dulled my sparkle’ statement!

👩🏻🌟