Tag: betrayal

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Empower me..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Only a quick one tonight, I had many thoughts going through my head today so I wanted to record them somewhere. Mostly some pointers for future blogs as right now I don’t really have the time to go into them in depth.

I wanted to talk about the ‘other’ side of my abuser. My previous blog (unless you’ve been involved in a similar relationship) really screams ‘why!!’ I think to many! Why stay !? What was I doing? I need to explain all the charm side to this harm to make that understandable too because the truth is… even professionals do not understand. I have spoke to a police woman who really really got it, unfortunately she had experienced it too but she got it. It’s namely those professionals in social services and from my child’s school and that is worrying, that is something that NEEDS changing and NEEDS recognising! My social worker told me today that he’s now saying that I’m lying and trying to ruin his life, not only is that incredibly laughable but it is also incredibly stupid on his part. Better for me but stupid for him. He’s given me more ammunition to clear my fucking name and prove that what he’s done has been nothing but a constant cycle of manipulative lengthy disgusting abuse. So for that I thank him, he’s helped break his control HIMSELF! Let’s not forget that my last conversation he owned up to everything, pleaded sorry and I even felt ‘guilty’ about his arrest. Truth is you cannot believe a word he ever fucking says , NOTHING he EVER says is the truth and that is so destructive. He’s only acting this way now because he can’t actually handle the fact I now FINALLY have a boundary, he cannot cope with how alien this feels to him and how he has well and truly lost me. He’s clutching on to anything he can to try and protect himself as that’s all that matters in his mind. Him!

Another point worth mentioning is .. my social worker said ‘you’re doing good you’re out of it now’ , that is SO far from the truth, it’s worrying that these people actually think this is the way it works. I corrected her ‘no I am getting better but I am under no circumstances ‘out of it’. The fact he’s calling me a liar doesn’t phase me, I expected it. If he saw me tomorrow he would do EVERYTHING he could to hoover (another term professionals should educate themselves on) me back up, and would do that without a second thought. It’s inevitable. Maybe not tomorrow, but 6 months , 2 years whenever I need to prepare for that time… because he will.

She then said ‘ok but I will help you’ again I had to correct her ‘no you will not!’ You have done a pretty shoddy job of doing anything so far and that isn’t a reflection on her but a reflection on the resources available. The sunflower centre is an organisation that helps women who have suffered domestic abuse. I ask the same questions to the police, social services and even to them … what can you do to help me? The truth is .. yes they can arrange an injunction (done that) help me into a refuge (don’t need that) help put safety facilities in place (my flat is secure) but they do absolutely fuck all with the stuff that really keeps me hooked. Securing my flat is only as good as I let it, even an injunction is the same unless my mind is where it needs to be, there is nothing any one of these professionals can do. This got me thinking, my book ‘I mean it this time’ I can and I will help empower women, help them mentally break that cycle. I will use my experience to help make a difference and get rid of that stigma that still is attached to women who are victims of domestic abuse. I can run workshops I can find tools that will really work because currently there isn’t anything like it available. My local council have something called the freedom programme , there’s MUCH better literature out there and there is a gap in the market. I will win, and I will show anyone who has looked down their noses at me what domestic abuse really means and how advice of ‘don’t let him in’ really just doesn’t cut it. If my experience helps at least one woman in the future they I will feel like I have achieved.

I end on a positive. I have a bloody brilliant job which I love, everyone I meet speaks highly of me and everyday I am healing. Dips are normal but I am healing! I made the decision that I would attend the child protection conference in the morning. I am not going to ‘like’ it, the majority of people in the room are so uneducated on this subject it’s scary but you know what. Who cares! I know what I’ve been through, I know what is real and what isn’t , life isn’t just about ticking boxes and following protocols. I could have hidden ALL this from every single one of them but I spoke up! I have proof of that. Instead of judging me they should be praising me. I am me, I will never ever be made to feel less adequate than anyone else in my life so bring it on!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The future is awesome

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’m ready! I’m feeling great. He’s desperate for me.. like I already know but for once I actually don’t care nor do I see a future with him.

I wish I could rewind to the days when he made me feel so weak and worthless because that was all pointless and really I should have learnt by now. He doesn’t last long until he’s the weak and worthless one. It’s that chronic cycle. We have spoke and I admit it to the people that need to know. Our baby has been poorly again and although being in hospital without him there was upsetting I still realise that it is no reason to go back. I just hope we can reach a future where we can be amicable.

My social worker is passing on messages on his behalf. Hilarious and highlights exactly how outdated social services are. Do they not realise they are aiding this cycle!? Keep the fact he is sorry and he’ll do ‘what it takes’ to yourself please. Although I enjoy hearing it, it isn’t going to make me better. Police have still not caught up with him to serve the injunction and it’s like I’ve disappeared of their list. Maybe I even fooled them with how much I knew and understood abuse and therefore would never go back. I still doubt myself.

The first time I called police on him I was getting welfare checks daily. I’ve had none this time and even though he’s ‘wanted’ it isn’t difficult to not get found. So much is wrong with the support network for women like me it’s insane.

When we have spoke I feel like the one in control. He’s giving me the I love you’s and showering me with praise. Explaining how he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing and how’s he fucked his whole life over a dumb mistake. Thing is it was never just over that dumb girl, it was over many many reasons, she just gave me my ticket to freedom. It’s actually a shame she couldn’t keep hold of him longer.

I use to get my addiction fix from seeing him, now I just get it from a phone call or a message that’s been passed on. I had an awesome weekend last weekend , I just let myself down on Sunday evening when I found something that I really needed to ask him about. I found an old photo in my phone that had his number on, 2 hour phone call later and I could have punished myself, but I remind myself that I’m human and I’m ok. Monday evening I then found something else written on our baby’s notes that I felt he needed to hear my anger about. I just KNEW his mother tried to blame me and there it was , clear as day. How fucking dare they both. Wednesday I NEARLY had to rely on him for a babysitter but after another ear bleed from her I decided I needed to just have the day off work.

I’m working on myself, I need to find a new drug and a new addiction. It won’t be hard 🙂

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a day!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday I had a down day. If I had his number still I would have rang him. Crazy how I still seek happiness from the very person who has destroyed me! I was super tired though and slept quite well.

Today I’ve had back to back appointments and then bumped into him in the supermarket in the evening!! Omg I wasn’t prepared! Of all the places to bump into a sofa surfer like him .. a bloody supermarket shopping for groceries with his equally as vile mate!

So this morning I had a visit from the domestic abuse team and it was good to talk. As much as I don’t like talk talk talking about it , I like talking to people who are in agreement with me and are knowledgeable about the area. ‘Yes domestic abuse’ and ‘yes that’s control.’ Without that and without my writing and reading I spiral again into wanting him. Missing him too!. Talking with professionals, reading books around the area and my writing is what reinforces in my mind that NO this has not been right and not been right EVER. To just say oh he calls me a slag, takes my house keys and is late home doesn’t really have the same effect unless you go into the full story. He really is a text book abusive man!

I then had a meeting with a life coach. Very interesting, he asked me when was the last time I felt truly happy. I couldn’t answer! I literally don’t know! I’ll speak more of this another day.

The afternoon I had something quite intense and emotionally draining to attend which I rather not go into at the moment maybe in the future when I am ready.

On the way home I pop into Asda to grab some milk, toilet roll, custard and sticky toffee pudding… you know essentials! First I see his mate, he went to smile at me, I looked at him cold. All I could think was ‘omg’ and I’m glad I looked good! Lol. I wanted to just get out the supermarket, then I saw him at the checkouts packing some shopping! Shit!! I got to self service and scanned my 4 items quickly hoping he didn’t see me with my back to him. I add my 5p bag and start packing. Then he’s there!!! ‘No need to jump’ he said. I’m feeling anxious, scared almost… scared of my mind and the manipulation. He’s soft and kind. Asking me when can we talk, what is there to talk about?! Lots he says, I want to say sorry. I tell him that he’s said sorry and ask him what is he sorry for. I want to know, I want to hear him say it. Hear him admit to the abuse he’s done and the trauma he’s caused me. He’s putting his hand on my waist. What is he doing??? He’s in my personal space. He tells me that I’m looking well, ‘I know’ I say. I had to be strong, he asks when can he see baby, asks me to ring him so we can talk, asks what I’m doing weekend. I explain he needs to go through social worker and I’m out all weekend. Gosh he won’t like that, he has no control on that one!!

I’m gutted. Wish it never came to this. Wish it never never got so bad. Blame myself again, maybe if I placed more boundaries or wasn’t so accessible every time he did me wrong. Maybe if we had just had a break, like a proper one. Months maybe years. I need to focus! It’s not my fault, and a man like him won’t ever change!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Today I was weak..

Posted on by KerryLouise

But I need to not beat myself up. I had a conversation with him.. did I get out of it what I wanted? No not really. Did it make me feel any better? A little bit. I wish I could hate him, like really hate him but I just don’t. It’s normal to grieve a relationship but there’s something very different when your grieving from the traumatic events from a relationship from a narcissist. I heard again that he only went there because she was ‘being nice to him’ and I wasn’t. I found myself almost sympathising with that again.. no no I had to bring it back. Truth is I was only being nasty because I didn’t want to be with him anymore and he had his chance to leave and be with ‘someone nice’ but he continued to lie and try and deceive me. There’s no explanation for that. He apologised, he said it was killing him, that he missed me, that he ‘fucked up’. Truth is he’s only feeling these emotions now because it’s now affecting him. He didn’t give a shit when he was doing what he was doing or when he was denying me in front of the old bird. I knew she was older, she looked it. Makes a change he usually goes to teenagers, this time someone 13 years older than him. Poor cow. Apparently he told her he can’t do this anymore, that’ll be a lie. Either she’s saw some sense through her desperation or it hasn’t ended at all. I don’t believe a word he says. I told him I felt sorry for him, that he won’t find another me. That’s when he bought up our good times in a desperate attempt to say I wouldn’t find another him either. I told him straight though I’d rather be in a relationship where the sex wasn’t as good or the good times were not so fulfilling than continue with someone like him where the disrespect was rife! He tried to defend himself and say it wasn’t as bad recently as it has been but that’s only because he’s completely unaware on what level of respect a basic human being deserves let alone the mother of his child.

Relapse number 1. I can do this! Erase his thoughts from my mind, I can never ever EVER be with him again so just checking in to see that ‘he still cares’ is pointless!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Lonely, Singlemum

Rollercoaster

Posted on by KerryLouise

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. I still can’t get it out my head, I’m sure I’m not expected too either. I felt good this morning. I read a lot of my old blogs and reminded me of all the pain he put me through. I sure as hell know this is the only way to get my life back. Then I started to feel like I missed him this evening, that addiction was coming back. So much I want to say to him but it was always so pointless anyway. His mother really has fucked it with me too. How dare she do what she did!! Over some clothes ?? I planned to send pictures of baby through the post, keep in contact that way until I was strong enough to be involved with them again. No way now. No way!! I understand blood is thicker than water but she had no reason to get involved. My parents haven’t and he deserves it! Ironic since he always used to tell me how embarrassing I was that I spoke to people. Whose the embarrassment now?! I sleep knowing I haven’t done anything wrong, this will eat her up for the rest of her life knowing she raised a monster. She raised an animal who has no boundaries and no respect. I’m sure she’ll have plenty more grandchildren the way he puts it about! Disgusting! Shameful!

Even though I have read a lot about narcissists it still doesn’t make sense. I still fail to get my head around it. I did blame myself a lot, and I appreciate I hurt him but his behaviour is not a reflection on that. His chose shotting drugs over me, over me and his daughter! That’s what it all boils down too.

I’m fucking fabulous and he’s a fucking fool! He will hurt more than me, for the rest of his life. I go from love and sad to hate and disgust determined to make him pay. He’ll play the victim though of course he will, his next target, his next supply he’ll use the sob story of his bitter baby mum that stopped him from seeing his child. Failing to leave out the daily insults, the daily disrespect, the bruises, the lies and the fact I loved him with all my heart. I just got pushed far far too much, I needed out. I needed to breathe. How can he hold me so tight one minute, be so sure that he could die for me, adamant that the love is insane then the next minute make me feel like I’m nothing. Flip on me without even so much as a warning! What did I do to deserve it?