Tag: tired

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

40 days to go! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Mood: Irritable as hell 

Seriously I’ve been in a foul mood today! Foul! The boyfriend doesn’t help because he rises to it, and makes it worse. Why can’t he just understand that days like today .. ‘I’m allowed to be this way!’ Courtney was a good girl all day, it’s just the evening she becomes a bit much sometimes and I am out of breath with the amount of times I’ve screamed at her to tidy her room! 

The boy did start the painting and I didn’t even have to say anything, only had the paint 3 weeks like. I did moan at him for using my brand new towel to kneel on though and also pointed out the paint on the floor. I wish I could bite my tongue and not interfere but I can’t help it. But with me and him it’s fire with fire , instead of him saying ‘sorry babe here’s your towel’ and ‘the paint won’t stay there I’ll get it up’ it’s ‘I’ll just buy a new towel’ and ‘it’s straight enough’ ‘the floor is dirty anyway’ and ‘I don’t have to do this you know.’ 

Just accept I’m heavily pregnant, accept I’m going to moan and we can all just get on with it. I’m also a woman… It’s inevitable we will get involved! 

I also do not know HOW many times I’ve explained to him what ‘Rennie’ is … Ok I buy morrisons own indigestion tablets (cheaper) so it doesn’t actually say Rennie on the packet but neither do the Co Co Pops in my kitchen. Aldi own brand have some other name for them, but we all still call them Co Co Pops right ?! OK this all sounds so stupid but it’s bloody infuriating when he acts stupid and can’t pass me a pissing indigestion tablet without a row!! Especially since I get through about 6 a day sometimes more !! 

Motivation for anything has been lacked today. I need to get to the post office. Register the business. Start my independent project and complete a training document for a volunteer role. I only left the house to take Courtney to her swimming lesson and that was a mission. The walk used to take me 5 minutes now it’s closer to 15 and it’s hell!! I should get back on my iron tablets. Only myself to blame. 

When Courtney is in bed and the boyfriend is at work I finally feel peace … I enjoy ‘Me’ time.

Posted in Uncategorized

Current Mood: Meh 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I went to my consultant appointment this morning in high spirits. Dominic being back at work really does reduce some stress for me and he is being lovely at the minute. I was asked about my mood and I said that I was completely fine. I do have a phone consultation tomorrow afternoon for counselling and I need to be as honest as possible. The 3rd year medical student commented that I am clearly in tune with my mood and that is a good thing. Today I’ve felt fed up and miserable …. I’m in tune with my mood yes but I can’t even explain why I felt like this. Hot, fat and bothered I think. 

Baby is doing well, she’s measuring bigger again still but nothing to be concerned about. The scan today said an EDC of 31/08/2016 … My actual date is 11/09/16 and even that was brought forward at original dating scan! I’m hoping it’s a sign she will come early and not hang about in there. She’s head down too which is good but potentially another back to back labour like my eldest. Ouch!

Luckily I haven’t had any of the ‘enjoy it whilst you can‘ or ‘get your sleep in now‘ comments. I’m guessing it’s only first time mums that people try and use those lines with. Sorry guys but I don’t sleep now (too fucking hot, always need a wee or wake with cramp) and what the hell is there to enjoy? I do also have a 7 year old that requires my attention. In fact feeling this swollen, and out of breath I worry I will actually do less with her over these summer holidays. I have no plans for day trips, nothing that involves walking too much that’s for sure and we may stay in ALOT. Today was last day of year 3, can’t believe how we are here already. I am also very thankful for getting lay ins in the morning now and no more school waddles ! 

I made a promise yesterday I would be more careful with what I’m eating. I drank about 4 pints of water today, I need to keep that up. My bread intake was high though and that is something I will definitely stop when baby is here. 

Breakfast – (which was at 4am) 1 slice of toast 

Lunch– Pate on some French stick (yes I know .. PATE! Naughty me) 

Dinner– bbq food with salad & rice with 2 burgers in rolls .. Yes TWO! 

Supper – 3 crackers & cheese with Branston pickle 

Snacks – nectarine, cherries and 2 lemonade ice lollies 

Head hurts now and struggling to keep eyes open. I will wake with a positive mental attitude … I will! 

Posted in Uncategorized

A week..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Doesn’t sound long does it? A week. If I was dredding a dentist appointment you could bet your bottom dollar that week would shoot round, waiting for a holiday it would no doubtably go slower and then a week away in the sun, well that just comes and goes in a flash. My last week however has felt like 2, possibly 3 weeks long. Its been a whole week since I have seen my gorgeous boy or even heard his voice, its real pain. Email him? I can’t even find the words to do that. My birthday does not only feel like a week ago, travelling down to see him with his cousin and friend feels like a distant memory. Why is time going so slow? 36 of these damn weeks left now. 36! 14 weeks down, we’re not even half way. Just as it begins to feel quite normal the realisation hits me once more. How will I survive? I am missing him so much I cannot even find the words to explain this empty numb feeling right now. Tiredness, both physically and mentally. Not making much sense. My uni books have not been opened. So much to catch up on. The shop opening will do me just right. Time needs to be structured better. I cannot let this built up emotion beat me and stop me from succeeding. My day at work was super busy but enjoyable, I have a good life, a very good life if only the man who I wanted to share it with hadn’t been ripped away from me.

Friday tomorrow, credit day, I need to hear his voice.

Miss him so much!!