Getting there .. 

Last night I couldn’t believe the difference a week had made. I saw him yesterday but I stayed very strong. The week before I was still waiting on him to move heaven on earth for me after yet another cheating episode. Then when it got to the evening and I knew he went back to hers I felt so angry, betrayed, sick and full of hate. Last night I didn’t even WANT to call him. 

I saw him out Saturday night he was his usual psycho self. One minute telling me how much he’s fucking missed me, needs me, would laugh with me and then the next screaming at me about things I can’t even remember. Strangers even spotted his volatile behaviour. I was worried for his safety, I know how bouncers and things can get but he certainly didn’t want my help so I walked home and buzzer went on private. It took a lot of strength to walk home and leave him, I can’t lie. 

Sunday came and I got my mate to text him for me. I felt angry. How dare he kick off for me talking to some guy yet was ok for him to chat up some fat blonde thing. He contacted me via Facebook he started by being rude, telling me it was me following him around , me not letting him enjoy his night and it was all my fault AGAIN! I implied that I had been with someone else, a stupid game I know but I wanted to get to him. I knew it would. We spoke on the phone and it was pity party him again. How I never loved him, how I killed him when he was in jail, how he had to read a conversation on my iPad between me and a man. Screaming how I should have left him, he fails to see that he had that choice too and equally he can’t love me either. I put a stop to the conversation, this is all so old ground and it won’t ever be resolved and it doesn’t need to be now. It’s over.

I agreed he could pop by and grab some clothes and see Ariana. He got mad about his arrest , called me wicked for stopping him from seeing his great grandma on her birthday. As I expected. I no longer care what he has to say, I need to remind myself it’s only words and all his actions does not put him in any position to kill me with words anymore. I also know he says these things because he’s hurting and he’s angry so that’s ok too. On his head. 

Then he softened, told me I was his. How when he thought I went with someone else he was fuming. I took my pyjama bottoms off ready for my shower and I knew that that would tease him. He tried and I did what I did last time stuck to my guns and did not have sex. I didn’t fancy him when I saw him out the night before, drunk and aggressive. I did today, that needs to go. That’s what’s annoying. I’m sure once I find a new man it will. 

I don’t want to be bitter with him, it eats people up. I want to be able to be his friend. I hope he can sort his life out, but having me allow him to just keep walking all over me will not do that. He needs his own place, he needs a job and he needs to leave the streets. Time will tell . 

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