A day without crying ? 

I woke up yesterday with a sickness bug. I hate being sick. I hate it even more when I have no one around me to take care of me. It made me feel emotional, I couldn’t believe it was now entering the fourth day without contact with the ex. How was he feeling?! Does he even care? I knew he was probably playing the victim, even in his own head, guaranteed he’s still got it inside him that it’s all my fault. ‘What kind of woman gets his man locked?’ He’ll be asking.  I cast my mind back to the number of times he would just attack me with words about how I bet I would do that too him. I’m that type of girl, I’m low like that. Back then I never would, he just went TOO far. 

I did call him today from my mums phone, I know how his mind works and he’ll just be building up more hate for me if I don’t attempt contact. If I call him and ask when he wants his clothes he can’t blame me for not having them can he? He admitted he had tried to call me, used someone else’s phone and had been to the flat, that made me feel better. I asked him if I should take his clothes to that girls work place, he snapped back ‘why should you?’ He said he wasn’t staying there, last time he admitted he was staying with his new girlfriend so I have no reason to doubt him. Or do I ?! To be honest it is unlikely, unless she really is a desperate needy slag. Alarm bells would certainly ring to me if he was suddenly needing to be there all the time, despite him telling her he lives at his grandmas oh and not to mention the lies he told her even about his name. Anyway who cares, even if she doesn’t know now she’ll work it out herself. 

I asked him if he was happy, he said ‘do I sound happy?!’ I asked him if he’s missed me and he said ‘yeh I have.’ I didn’t tell him I missed him, I wasn’t going to give him that satisfaction. I felt better after the call, and I feel good this morning. 

I felt a bit low when I got in from my dads last night. I told them how I got myself in a cycle where he was the one to make me feel so low and drill me into the ground but I relied on him to bring me back up again. I hate it when I miss him, because I only miss the small amounts of time it was good. I need to remember the times I felt sick when I didn’t know where he was, the anxiousness I would feel when I worry whether he’s going to show up or not. The anger I would get when his phone was off or he wouldn’t answer the calls. The disrespectfulness when he would tell me to get off his line, tell me I was a fucking dickhead, a fucking prick, a slag. He would scream at me how I wasn’t a real woman, how I made him sick to his bones, more recently how I was dead to him and how he could get any girl he wanted, where as I was old with two kids. When I was pregnant he would tell me he feels sorry for his daughter having a mother like me, how I’m constantly stressing out his daughter and I’m a mess. I could go on but it’s not necessary, this stuff is enough. 

He always manipulated everything so it was always some how my fault. We would plan a night out, a meal and some time together. He would cause an argument and tell me this was the reason he never wanted to be around me, how I was boring and I bring it all on my self. I feel sick when I look back at times when he clearly went off with that other girl and realistically god knows how many girls there has been. He’s an animal and he’s vile and I am proud in myself that I can finally see everything he has done to me was never my fault. I justified his actions so many times and I can honestly say even if he shows me change I will never ever get over what he’s done to me. Destroyed me, abused me and trampled all over me during a time when I needed a man. A real man. 

I am out tonight, he said he would show up today to get some clothes. I hope he doesn’t, the buzzer is still on private and I’ll try go out this afternoon. My gorgeous princess slept from 9:30pm – 6am and right now she’s happily sat in her chair talking to herself. I’m the real winner, I have so much love in my daughters and my whole life ahead of me. What the hell does he have?! 

I reckon I can go the whole of today with no tears and I really cannot wait to go out tonight.