Preparation, plan, focus!

I’ve only just started writing in my 2018 diary, transferring the stuff over from my old one to my new one. Today hasn’t been as structured as I would have liked. I slept until late and before I knew it it was 2pm. I have applied for an extension on my essays, I’m hoping I have good grounds what with the non-molestation order and everything else. That being said I still need to read the designated reading! Get focused!

My exercise has hit my goal – over 8,000 steps ✅ and no caffeine ✅. I enjoyed a peppermint tea and water!

My book is taking a back seat for a while. I have written 20,000 words and I am now moving on to the chapters about spotting red flags, how to get out and how the process afterwards. I have wrote 3 pages of notes since last night which I will go back to when I feel ready to write again. Today I have had more women reach out to me, oh and including one on New Year’s Eve in my Facebook group. I did a ‘introduce me’ thread and it’s crazy how much is so so similar, especially around the infidelity, love triangles and gaslighting.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is SUCH a big topic. My experiences of being in a relationship with one is never ending, and I also want to write in a way that keeps readers engaged to the end. Shorter blogs are better, I know many of mine are far too long.

I have had an angry day today. Realising I can’t claim on my insurance for the phone he definitely lost or the phone I suspect he stolen. My poor daughter loses out because of him. Luckily her dad has a phone I just need to get the screen fixed so that calmed me down slightly. Let’s remember what is going on here, emotions are crazy anyway after a break up of a relationship, let alone when the break up is with someone who is a narcissist. I am thankful for the no contact, it does make things 1000x easier.

One thing that no contact does do, is give you a big slap of realisation. Realising exactly how much he did, how much he controlled, how evil and vile he really was. This is hard to accept and deal with. I loved this man, I loved him with all my heart and soul. I think back to, or read back on my blogs and in the past his letters too from when he was in jail. Tiny steps .. was fooled, he got me exactly where he wanted me, my judgement was so so wrong and recognising this makes me angry some more. How dare he do all he’s done to me. How dare he. I find myself revisiting points in my life and remember thinking I knew what was going on but now I question every single thing he ever said to me. All the desperate lies, the projection and lack of regard for my feelings at all. All this trauma is stupidly hard to deal with.

Again even the reasons why it’s so hard after is a massive subject so I will do a little bit each day. It will help with my time management too.

Ok I must read a chapter from my EU law book, try for an early night as tomorrow is going to hurt getting up at 7am 😩😩