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I’ve been meaning to start this blog for weeks, but figured now is a good as time as any. England are playing in the Euros and usually I would be glued to the screen, in a pub somewhere drinking beer and shouting obscenities along with everybody else. Instead I am sat on my sofa contemplating a cup of tea, which seems to much effort so a Becks blue it is.

England should no way be losing this match. Down 2-1 at half time and yes granted we still have the 2nd half but I’m not optimistic. Maybe something English will surprise me for the good this week. My good God it needs too.

I’m 29 weeks pregnant , 29 weeks plus 1 day to be precise hence the alcohol free beer I am currently in company with. This is my 2nd pregnancy as I already have a daughter who is 7 years old. So far I am in a much better condition health wise than I was 8 years ago. I began that pregnancy at a heavier weight of over 2 stone and by this stage last time I was already tipping the scales at around 18 stone! Possibly more. I gained nearly 6 stone in total with my eldest and at the start of this pregnancy it was a big fear of mine regarding how much weight I would gain. I’m currently on over 3 stone. It isn’t great but I am not letting it get to me as much as I did initially. I know I can lose it and I know I can get back to where I was before. Hey if I lost 8 stone before I can do it again. My biggest regret was not documenting it more, and so this time I’ll make sure I do.

I’m feeling less patriotic for this game, it’s not only the lack of alcohol or lack of company but it’s been quite the week for politics. It’s all anyone has spoke about and I certainly don’t feel like I have let out all my thoughts on feelings on the matter. So on Thursday 23rd June 2016 a referendum was held regarding Great Britain’s membership of the European Union. I won’t pretend I have always been in to politics or even that I completely understand everything but since beginning my Graduate diploma in Law at University I definitely have more knowledge than I did 3 years ago. I was a strong remain voter, which had me being told I was ‘anti British’ but I still stood by my beliefs. I failed to have many intelligent conversations with anyone voting Brexit. I found my self frustrated with folk who clearly had no idea what this decision actually meant, conversations regarding muslims, illegal immigrants and how our Parliament no longer make any laws often came up in conversation. Is it any wonder those who voted remain are angry at the result when it’s people like this that helped make a decision that will effect the rest of our lives.

I tried to steer away from the conversations regarding immigration because they were always going to feel like I was fighting a losing battle. The media have had people believe how migrants take all the jobs, take benefits, take school places and they are the reason some folk fail to get a Doctors appointment. You only have to have an ounce of intelligence to realise that instead of blaming the EU migrants who are working hard and putting into our economy we should be blaming the British born lazy low lives who have little intention in getting a job and also those who use the NHS unnecessarily. Of course some EU migrants may commit crimes and put a strain on our society but it really just isn’t enough to say that we need to close our borders. People also fail to understand how by closing our borders it actually works both ways and will effect those Brits who are working and living abroad.

I believe in democracy I really do but do I think this was a democratic decision? No I don’t. With just little over 1.3 million votes in it, it simply is too big of a decision to just accept that this is now what is happening. It isn’t just a general election, it is something that can never ever be undone and we are accepting that 51.9% of the 72.2% that voted were right?! Other countries actually have certain criteria’s for  decisions such as this, and David Cameron was wrong in not putting these in place. It’s questionable whether such a massive decision should have put forward to the British public anyway. It was the Government who decided we should join and I am still on the fence on to whether I agree that the British public should have been left to make such a constitutional decision. ESPECIALLY since all the politicians involved (mostly on the leave campaign) have been full of lies, ill informed facts and scare mongering.

Its even more frustrating that many who did vote leave are now admitting a ‘mistake’ since it was only a ‘protest vote’ and their vote was based on many lies that have already been unveiled. A petition has been set up for a 2nd referendum funnily enough by a leave voter who realised what he had actually done and regretted it. However this all seems to be somewhat amusing for those gloating ‘outers.’ Stop whinging I keep seeing, get over it, how pathetic and we should just deal with it. I’ve lost count on how many ‘friends’ I’ve removed from facebook either for blatant racism or for this type of gloating behaviour. I’m less tolerant to posts which are discriminative now in light of Brexit. I stand by the quote ‘not everyone who voted leave is racist but every racist did vote to leave’, and do I think that more than 1.3 million people in this country are racist? Then yes I do. I shared some posts which have highlighted what has happened since the ‘outers’ won… legitimising the racist views seems to be how some racists have seen it.  Suddenly its ok to tell people they need to go home in the street or how its fantastic that they now get ‘their country back’. It was before it was all over the news and I was told three times that it isn’t happening and it’s people like me who are making it a bigger deal than it actually is. Well the statistics speak for themselves and it is a problem. A big problem. If the Police and Crime Commissioner is making statements on it then I’m pretty sure it’s not just in my head. I was also told it was only the ‘minority’… I don’t care! No matter how big or small this minority is I am allowed to feel upset about it. Terrorism, child abusers and murderers are in the minority yet no one is challenged regarding their disapproval and upset for these behaviours.

I’m positive now that those who voted to leave will realise soon enough it was a bad choice. I believe once the negotiations do begin that free movement of workers will still be a policy and those who voted purely on immigration will feel cheated. Immigration won’t come down like what was promised and the only positive is that maybe we can have stronger washing machines or some other stupid rule that many so apparently begrudge coming from the EU. I’m even hopeful for a forced General Election and maybe the public will get a 2nd chance… but we shall see. I am glad that the stupidity of posts are decreasing (maybe that’s more to do with my choice of removing people) but I still saw today how ‘it was good we got out when we did as their is a proposal that Brussel wants to re-write all the laws including criminal. Words fail me they really do.

Well England are out of the Euros and the United Kingdom is out of the European Union (kinda) .. I’m tired but at least I’m £35 richer 🙂

 

 

 

Why do I always believe the lies? Why do I always believe the bullshit about how things are going to change… and this and that just won’t happen again. As I layed in a hospital bed last saturday night and sunday morning on my own I knew in my head then that I just couldn’t put myself through this anymore.

The argument began on friday night when once again he bought cannabis into my flat, his attitude absolutely stinks. Saturday he sheepishly rings me, and I don’t answer straight away and eventually I give in. I get it all, AGAIN! How he was in the wrong, he’s going to prove it to me, how he wasn’t being fair and he means it this time he won’t bring it to my flat. He tells me he will come see me after work. 7pm comes and he’s no where to be seen, I ring him and it’s like he’s a different person. This time it’s on his terms again, ‘yeh I’ll come later’, this cuts like a knife. 26 weeks pregnant nearly and he has absolutely no respect for me once again, leaves me for 2nd best because smoking weed with his so called friends is more important. He then tells me that ‘why should he bother since I told him I didn’t want to see him,’ excuse me?? Does he not understand the term making up to do?!?

It kicks off bad once again, his vile words screaming at me down the phone, telling me he doesn’t want to be around someone like me. Someone like me?? Is he serious?? What have I done?? … I pack all his things… all of them. 3 bin bags , so not alot since he wasn’t staying here much anyway and in my anxious fuelled state I begged my friend to come to me. She wasn’t long and I keep ringing him, he just bare faced ignoring my calls. Him knowing the kind of state Im getting myself into, so I use her phone. I tell him I have his stuff, he switches up ‘baby I said I was coming to see you in a bit,’ No NO NO I am not having him try change that on me. He was rude, obnoxious and made me feel worthless. I have never felt so low in MY LIFE!! He wouldn’t come meet me and screamed at my to ‘shut up you fucking dickhead.’ He was on speakerphone and my friend removed his bags from her car and put them in his nans porch. The anger and disgust on her face says it all. I just sat in the passenger seat my heart killing me once again. All because I wanted a little of his time!! The time he had promised me since he was in the wrong the night before.

We speak again in 5 minutes and he tells me his battery went dead. Convenient time for your battery to die when he had just told me to f’ing shut up. He then said I was nothing to him for doing that to his stuff. How if anything was damaged he would slash my tyres. How I don’t respect him. I’m at this point pleading with him to just see me. Pleading that I hated arguing and I can’t take anymore, I really really can’t. I tell him how I love him so much and I need him. I even said I need to go to the hospital and wanted him with me. He told me that I was just testing him and he ‘doesn’t want to be around me ‘ at the moment. I hadn’t felt right for weeks and I get myself so wound up I needed a professional. He loves to tell me , how I’m the one stressing out HIS baby. Emotional and mental abuse. I go to the maternity unit at 9;30pm , I’m a mess. The midwives were soooo lovely to me and it only made me cry even more. They sensed a very unsupportive partner, they sensed a problem and they have a duty to act. Safeguarding. The state I’m in with high blood pressure and ketones in my urine they won’t let me go. The ketones indicating dehydration and no food. Oh yeh I had forgotten to eat… I thought I would be eating with him and once the arguing started I completely forgot that I hadn’t eaten. Stress and anxiety does that to me. I keep a hell of a lot from the midwives, about how I know he’s still dealing, how he’s punched me previously when out of it on alcohol and cannabis, but I admitted he has a cannabis problem. I admitted he uses emotional and mental abuse on me.

Midnight came and I’m still waiting for the blood test results. My friend had gone at this stage and I’m trying to ring him. It just keeps ringing… I keep trying… trying again and again. Thinking he’s probably drunk in town and he’ll see it soon. But nope. 1am comes and my battery goes dead and the hospital decide to keep me. I ask if it’s ok to go home but it wasn’t unless I had someone around to take care of me. I didn’t!

I got hardly any sleep. A lady opposite was having contractions every 15 minutes and by abut 4:30am she was wheeled off to have her baby. Nurses and midwives had to come round and do all their checks on me and baby. I just laid in the bed thinking how I had never felt so alone. Morning came and I was told how I should be able to go at 8am. That came and went and still no signs of being able to leave. Another lady opposite me sounded so cheery and upbeat. She was around 32 weeks and waters had started going. She had her phone and was making conversations with her family. I heard her saying how partners are allowed to come from 10am. I had a tiny bit of hope that he would have seen the text, realised my battery was dead and bought himself to the hospital to see how I was. By the time midday came I knew that wasn’t happening. The other women had their partners around but not me. I lay there feeling so embarrassed and ashamed. Once again so worthless and unloved. Luckily my friend came at midday and she bought me breakfast and a nice sugary drink. I genuinely don’t know where I would be without her. She listens to all this and doesn’t judge. I can’t tell anyone else or they would just tell me to leave him… as is what is happening now. I finally get out at 2:30pm and I can charge my phone. I have NOTHING! Nothing at all from him. Nearly 3pm and eventually a text from him ‘I’m sooo sorry baby. I left my phone in a mates car are you ok’.. I don’t respond. He then calls me from withheld I explain I don’t want him near me. I need some time away from him. He doesn’t take no for an answer. Texts. Phone calls. He even gets his friend to ring me. (who by the way thinks he’s being an absolutely disrespectful ass). Because I say no to seeing him the emotional abuse starts again ‘You’re pushing man away’, ‘you’re stressing out my baby’ … I’ve just spent 18 hours in hospital and this is what he has!?!?!

I pull up at my home with my friend and I am really sticking to my guns. I DON’T want to see him!!! We are sat in the car all of 3 minutes and after a text saying ‘your all I want’, it feels better but no way makes up for it he’s stood there at the car window. He has a gift in his hand and that sorry look on his face. I needed him to help carry the crib upstairs I had just bought 2nd hand and there it was … he was back IN! He then couldn’t apoligise enough. He was devastated he wasn’t there. He couldn’t imagine how I was feeling.

I was so tired we ended up just falling asleep and I took him to work on Monday morning. Monday evening came and I was once again wishing I had never let him get away with it so easy. This argument began because he wanted me to lend him £80 for some earrings. His priorities are in the wrong place. I had just spent £70 on our daughter and he’s wanting that sort of money for some earrings?! I explain no , but that isn’t good enough.He tells me how he knows I won’t have his back. How he’s always helped me out if I didn’t have money for food?! (Not sure how that’s the same) and how realistically I owe him these earrings anyway. It spirals. Once again World War 3 and it escalates into the street where he grabs my phone off me and following me on his bike whilst I am silent. ‘You are not well’, he’s telling me, ‘Do you actually need some help’, ‘What is wrong with you?’ , just different variations of knocking me down emotionally whilst I just have to take it! I want to get away but without a phone it makes me feel stupidly anxious. I’m begging him to just give me my phone back, he’s mocking my crying in the street. Tells me if I don’t stop he will just smash it up. How I’m being ridiculous and crying like someone had died over a phone. I wish all this emotion was just over a phone. I WISH!! Eventually he gives me my phone back but chucks it in my face. It hurt but it’s nothing like the pain of how I feel when he can just talk to me the way he does. An hour passes and he comes back and says sorry. How we need to work together and he understands now that I didn’t have the money and once again I accept it and we go shopping like nothing has happened.

Tuesday wasn’t so bad. He did ‘pop to the shop’ and come back 2 and a half hours later though with a dead phone which really is not acceptable. He acknowledges this however as he always does but I rather not have the arguments.

Wednesday morning he made a scene. It was ok when he was awake trying to help me wake my daughter but because 10 minutes before we were due to leave she was playing in my room he kicked off. About how HE was trying to sleep  and how HE hasn’t had a day off for weeks. He tells me how I had a day off all week, yet he fails to remember I wake up everyday to take him to work and drag my little girl out of bed in the process also. A whole hour earlier than I would usually wake for the school run. How can one person be so selfish? He forgets what people do for him and cannot bite his tongue for all of 10 minutes and just wait to sleep when we leave. I was told again to shut up and he can’t stand my voice. I just left! After the school run he was explaining how he was hoping probation would agree his trip to Amsterdam. I don’t think he has a brain. He certainly doesn’t have a conscience. We departed on OK terms. Wednesday evening I saw him for about 10 minutes . He was pleasant told me he was popping out though. I then get a text saying he was with his nan, it was a nice text and so then we agreed he should just stay at his nans. It was getting late. It was nice. Some peace and quiet.

It brings us to today. Thursday! Well in fact now is friday at 3:42am but these are the events which happened on Thursday. I text him early explaining how he needs to come sort out his chickens, random ha but he bought some chickens to season and he replied with ok baby will do. 1pm came and I tried to ring as I had already asked what time since I was off out. I didn’t get an answer. I didn’t hear a peep out of him till he answered my phone call at around 7pm. His greeting was rude and abrupt. He tried to say it wasn’t but it was. Well it certainly isn’t how I wish to be greeted by my man who I hadn’t spoke to all day. I had been with my dad this evening. I admitted to him he’s back on cannabis and my dad is telling me to fuck him off. My Lord if he knew the true extent… the violence, his vile attitude towards me, the disappearing acts, the dealing… I seriously would NEVER be able to EVER bring him to my dads house again. He has always liked him and believes everyone deserves a second chance but he just cannot comprehend the fact he would turn back to smoking drugs with a baby on the way. Knowing he keeps bringing cannabis into my house made him very angry. His granddaughter is precious to him, he tells me how he has no respect for me if he does that. I can only agree.

Whilst we are on the phone and he’s telling me I am beautiful and how he’s coming to sort out the chickens later he then starts an arguement with someone in the street. From my end all I could make out was someone nearly hit him whilst he was on his bike in his car. He’s screaming at this person to get out the car. He hangs up on me. When did my boyfriend turn into such a violent thug?!?! I’m ringing him up panicking about what situation he’s got himself in too. I say ‘why are you starting on people for?’…… his response is ‘shut up you fucking dickhead, you don’t know what is happening , tut get off my fucking line man’ and hangs up! What the actual HELL?!?!? How does he keep switching up on me like this. He eventually answers again… I want to know he’s ok. This time he’s screaming that i don’t understand racism and I am unsupportive and to once again get off his line. He’s not answering my calls. I get so angry again I want him out my life. I take his stuff to his nans. His dad is there and we talk for about 40 mins.

It’s 4am and he’s just buzzed my door. He is actually insane. He has grazes everywhere and hobbling about yet me asking him whats happened is a problem. He is just vile. I want him to leave!!!

100 days and almost nearly we would go the day without any real arguments. Don’t get me wrong, all this hate, resentment and anger I have for him is building up. I just let him stay around me to keep the peace and I give him that chance to try and change that. His sweet charming and loving nature almost does make me forget until it starts again. How many f’ing times do I have to tell him to stop bringing cannabis into my house? How many times?? It is like talking to a brick wall. It doesn’t register. He is absolutely insane. His response ‘its only a little spliff’. He is either completely mentally retarded, enjoys just disrespecting me and making arguments or actually never listens to me at ALL!! I right now am not so sure on which one it is.

He then tells me that I have to deal with it because that’s just him, he gets right in my face, ok so LEAVE ME ALONE I scream!! If you are always going to do it then LEAVE ME!!! I don’t want that type of person around me. I even spoke to him earlier about his illegal activities and he said it was over and he promises. He’s a compulsive liar, vile disgusting liar.. I found an item on him that I believe is used for shotting drugs and he tells me it’s all in my head. I’m making it up. How there’s something wrong with me. I tell him to get out my house, my fingers in my ears so I don’t have to listen to his mental abuse that makes me flip out. He follows me around like an annoying child ‘what is wrong with you?’ , ‘Look at you why would I want a woman like you anyway’, ‘unfortunately I cant leave and you should of thought about that before that happened’ (pointing to my stomach). I’m sure there was more but I block it out. I have too, otherwise I have a mental breakdown and just want to hit him so hard. Other times he just throws back my insults, where I call him disgusting. Apparently I’m disgusting and tells me to look at myself (dragging me to the mirror) , tells me that I’m the one who puts his baby through stress. When he screams this stuff at me I hate him, hate him so much! He manipulates any situation and turns it back round on me.

When he finally leaves he sees my friend in the street. He tries to give ‘his side’ of the story. Although ITS THE SAME FUCKING STORY! He told her smoking cannabis is him and always will be, says he doesn’t know where we have both got this ‘idea’ from, that he’s involved in illegal stuff, but then admits he is involved and that its not a risk because he’s working too and its not big deal. He doesn’t know what he’s lying about from one minute to the next. I will lose my head, my actual head I think I already need some proper counselling. I feel so much better when I don’t see him, even speak to him. I’m calmer, I’m happier but I let him in, believing all his lies. We talk for hours at a time where he says ‘I admit I’ve been a cunt, it’s going to stop, I love you, I cant lose you’ then less than 24 hours later it’s like we haven’t even spoke at all!!!!

We spoke for 2 minutes on the phone since, and in that time he told me ‘you don’t open up to me!’ …. WHAT THE ACTUAL?!?! And that all I do is tell my friend. He said how she told him that she tells me how easy I let him back all the time and from that he told me he’ll just speak to me tomorrow. He still called me babe like nothing had happened, he doesn’t understand the seriousness of it all. His phone went dead during the conversation.. it angered me because I didn’t get a chance to say what I needed to say but it makes me happy knowing he can’t ‘work’ without a phone. He’ll be out smoking and drinking like the selfish prick he is once again and in the next breath I think how he’s now broken another promise. ‘I promise if my phone ever dies again I will come straight to you.’ I hope he misses the birth of his baby, I really do! He does not deserve this child.

I just need to ignore my phone, I’ve deleted his number now too so I can’t be tempted not to call. He will come running, he would never let me go (that is a little scary) but maybe my friend is right, if he actually believes it’s over he may do something about it. I doubt so, I think will push him off the rails more so but I’ve tried the other way. This is the last little bit of hope to register in his thick stupid young head! It’s like disciplining a child, if you don’t take that toy away they will continue to behave badly … after all he is a child!!

 

Today marks the day of 25+5, well thats by the original scan dates. My own dates I would be 25+1 but the 4 days ahead sounds all the more appealing. On Wednesday I finished my Graduate Diploma in Law with a criminal law exam. I do still have my independent project to complete, in which I got a deferral for, but that’s pretty straight forward. I’m hoping my grades have not dropped too much since he’s been home. I am often praised for the sheer fact I have completed it whilst being pregnant. Being pregnant has been nothing compared to the shit I have had to deal with from the man who got me pregnant! Grrrr!

The cramps are getting bad during the night, I woke up 6-8 times last night having to leap out of bed. Misery guts didn’t find it funny but his moaning soon stopped when I reminded him of the nights he would come home late drunk and wake me… or where I didn’t sleep at all due to wondering where the hell he was!! I mean really… !!

I haven’t weighed myself for a good while. I am definitely looking pregnant and not just fat and the majority of people comment about how since I am 6 months pregnant I am not that huge. Makes a change from last time. Pretty sure at my 20 week scan I looked bigger than I am now with this one. My weight gain has probably reached about 3 stone, horrifying but I know I can get rid of it once she is here. Well I hope!!

Wednesday did feel quite surreal. being on that train to Birmingham travelling to Birmingham City University for the last time. That place and the people I have met has been a huge part of my life for 2 years. They have been along my journey with me. When I first started and the Mr had only been in jail about 2 weeks. When I finally got my social life back and I would stay in Birmingham the night before exams or for revision sessions. Walking back through the city after food with the uni girls I took a few moments just taking it all in. I love the city I really do, it’s my escapism and I could not have got through the last 2 years without it. Even during the exam I was writing away and I enjoyed it that much I knew Criminal Law was where my heart lied. I’ve always said if I could get the money I would do a masters, £6780 is a lot of money and it has been very hard to fund this course at the smaller amount of £5000. A bit of research whilst drinking my J2o in the SU bar and it seems the governments proposal of making loans available for post grad level have come in to force. So … I’m going for it. I will have a newborn and studying for a masters but fuck it. I need it for me, I don’t want to lose my identity .. This way I get to still continue with my career plans and no one suffers. I cannot wait.

Just realised today is 100 days until she is due. 100 days of happiness please! Already ate a bagel this morning… still hungry! Need some granola ….

It is now the final straw. This past week has now just done it for me. I cannot just simply cannot continue my life like this. It feels so so hard right now but I know he will be the last one laughing. His cannabis smoking effects his brain more than he will admit and he genuinely with never learn if I keep just accepting his apoliges, it’s only words. Words mean nothing from him anymore. I had wrote up to here on Saturday 28th May until the laptop was completely infuriating me… as it is again now!!!

The final straw has came after he decided to go 25 hours without so much as a phone call. I was under the impression he was coming back to mine on wednesday night but his phone was off from 8pm. 8PM!! After 2 evenings of him being around and it kind of feeling like a real relationship again he goes AWOL on me completely. Selfish isn’t even the word when I had an exam yesterday morning and I was up most of the night wondering where he was and whether he was going to make it for work. All his work stuff was here so I knew he couldn’t make his own way there. I even nearly didn’t get the 05:16 train like I had planned due to ‘just in case’ he decided to show up at mine.

After a strict talk from a friend from uni I continued my day as planned. Completed my exam without so much of a good luck from him. I still had no contact until 5pm that day to which I was told ‘the battery went dead get over it’. I then still had no attempt from him for a bigger apology. The next day came and I heard the same sorrys as I’ve always heard. I went out of my way to ignore him most of the weekend and I have definetly been stronger this week as he knows that I actually don’t really want to be with him. Every day there is something and I end up being called this that and another and how I deserve to be treated like shit. My priority is my baby and my daughter.

Only positivity from now on !! 🙂

I feel like if I don’t type I will go insane. I’ve now had to hear him scream how he hates me, how he wishes I was never pregnant and that he hates me some more. I am blamed for always creating a scene and I should never have got him from his nan’s this evening as he was happy there. He’s barely at mine for 5 minutes and his phone is going off… a number he doesn’t have saved and he’s telling him ‘yeh 2 minutes.’ I’m not fucking stupid. He’s then trying to say he’s going for a spliff. Seriously… why does that come before trying to sort things out with me?? I react… he reacts… I plead with him ‘I’m carrying your child’ he says ‘SO WHAT!’ so heartless and cold. I can’t help but slap him. How can he be so vile?? He has a serious cannabis problem, it turns him into someone I do not recognise. Actually I do recognise it now because it all happens too often.

30 minutes later and he’s calling me baby again and telling me we need to stop this! I am so exhausted!

After last Friday’s post it got worse. He did answer about 2am and then said he was sorry and on his way to me RIGHT NOW! Was he? Nope!! 102 missed calls later and at 6am he finally rang me and turned up at my door. I had absolutely no sleep and I just was fed the same old bullshit. Well no actually, this was a new one. He had apparently left his phone in his mates car and because he went to the club he had to go to the club but he wasnt allowed in so waited outside. Yeh ALRIGHT THEN MATE! Alright!! Charlie Sloth is at the club you cant stay away from each weekend and you “waited outside”!! Saturday morning wasn’t a nice one, I still fear he will end up back in prison and the lies and anxiety he leaves me with is just not doing me any good!

Saturday morning I behaved strong. He was the weaker one and again I heard the same old promises and lies I always here. “This is the last time”, “Wasn’t my fault”, and “I’m so sorry”… I was the stronger one until I pushed it too far. Admitted to him I tried to find the man I was seeing when he was away, because yes there was someone else and also told him I understood why he enjoyed mind games with girls because I let him believe I would be there for him. He stormed away, took what I had said very badly and vowed that was it and he would only be there for his daughter.

Something in side me breaks apart, my chest goes tight and I cannot bare even the ‘THOUGHT’ of him actually saying that and meaning it, not to mention maybe he would then think he has a green card to go off with another woman! It tears me APART!! He ended up coming back to my car and even came to work with me and slept in the car … we spoke and we cleared the air once more! Felt like we got somewhere as we even spoke about the times he first went away and how it affected me! We Do Time TOO!!!!

Saturday evening he stayed in. No disturbances, no disappearing off to ‘buck his mates for a spliff’ , just about him looking after me and feeding me and sleeping next to me!  He also felt baby move for the first time. I was happy!

It was short lived of course.. sunday afternoon whilst at my parents house he felt that is was ok to go meet a friend to hand him some cannabis. I mean really?! What is his problem? He genuinely doesn’t understand the big deal to it. He is angry with me for not co-operating and taking him and is then even madder at me for telling my sister what he was up to. Something so small could see him back in there, and I am so exhausted from trying to teach him this!! Sunday night wasn’t nice either, he had to go off and do something and he switches so badly and puts it on me that Im the one overreacting!

This week Ive left him to it. With me working, studying and him working nights I honestly feel better and more relaxed him not even being around. We can’t even have a conversation without him saying something untoward and getting my back up. It’s now 20 to 11 on sunday evening, I’m going to pick him up because I cannot bare waiting any longer or risk him getting distracted and be even longer!

I will finish off today’s post tomorrow… it’s all just too much!!

Reading my last post is a joke. Obviously we must of had a good day that day.  I’ve been miserable. I really cannot see us lasting for ever. He’s selfish, completely oblivious to the facts before him and is so not supportive. Thing is he knows how to say sorry, he knows how to get me back in my good books and all I can explain it all as is BULLSHIT! I couldn’t possibly spend this evening writing about the last 4-5 months but I darn as hell sure will get this down on paper because I am NOT being made to be the psycho anymore.

He moved out last week, well I say moved out. It was a week last Tuesday and we had been getting on well. He had a new job which was 5pm-2am so it was pretty hard on us both. Him waking me up then I having to wake him up in the morning but we were getting on. Getting on just fine. After many weekends of him just being more interested in getting drunk and town he promised me that every other weekend he would spend with me. The Saturday before was meant to be my Saturday, but oh no what a surprise. In all honesty I had already said I would see my girls, why say no to them when I don’t trust that my own man wouldn’t leave me on my own.

Anyway we agreed, loosely agreed I will admit, but I will still under the impression he would be home at midnight. Was he? NOPE!! Phone off! What a surprise!! Then I finally get a call the next day at 11:40am!! Now seriously what kind of fuckery is that?!? Sadly I am so used to his shit behaviour I managed to sleep ok. I put my buzzer on private and psychologically it helped me thinking maybe he tried to come home, but nope he didn’t even do that! I know he was in town until 3am why wouldn’t he just come home?? Or even use someones phone to tell me what was happening. 21 weeks pregnant and he fucking disappears all night!!! Tell me what woman would put up with that? Oh he’s sorry but ‘it wasnt my fault my battery died’ he felt was a good enough excuse. It wasn’t!! Even on the sunday evening his attitude just stunk, he twists things and manipulates situation where it comes off as my fault.

He once again promised that that would never happen again. It wasn’t fair and he loves me and blah blah fuckedy blah!! Tuesday came and I was under a great deal of pressure with uni. I admit I didn’t need to react the way I did but it is deep down genuinely how I feel. I told him I wish he never came out of prison. I was doing much better at uni without him here and I was a lot happier and less stressed when he was inside. To some extent it was true. Only him as ever made me this person I am today. Uni has suffered! I’m not dealing well with pregnancy and I am just not myself. To that comment he packed everything. I begged him not to go. Told him just pack a few things and stay a way for a couple of nights but NO he went the full hog. Packed it all! Then had the cheek to tell me it isn’t over and that he just needs to clear his head. Well…. what a fucking coward! He’s said worse to me and what is he going to do every time something doesn’t go to plan .. just walk away? I was devastated !!!

I didnt see him then until sunday as he went to London for a family funeral. I am not ashamed to admit that he tried to call me on friday and I ignored him. He used his sisters phone too and I let him be the one to wonder what I was up to for a change. Sunday came and we had a really good talk. I once again believed his bullshit, how things were going to change and he admitted some things that he was struggling with deep down and I believed that that was the reasoning for his shit behaviour. I told him not to stay at mine Sunday, that then gave him the opportunity to once again go out. He woke me up at 5:30 am! Monday we had a good day together, picked up the pram and then went to my dads. He told me he had to go to his nans for a bit but please ring him to come home. I fell asleep. Turns out he did too.

Wednesday, I got my self all worked up. I miss him! Im 21 weeks pregnant and I feel like a single pregnant mum. He reacts in a way that says, ‘I’m working’ and ‘nothing is ever good enough for you’. How I am weird and its OK to go from Monday until Friday not seeing each other. WTF!!! I am carrying his child. I am doing this on MY OWN!! He came to his senses and Wednesday night at 3am he came home, it is a pain, it did take me 2 hours to get to sleep but it felt ok because I had no reason to be up on Thursday. I was just so happy he was with me. So happy! All this week he promised me that Friday and Sunday was all about me. Well today is Friday and its 1:45am (Saturday morning) .. has it been about me?! NO! We went to my cousins party then he tells me he some things to do. Midnight he went. When will he understand he is playing with fire…. working the streets! I have tried to drill in to him so many times. I am so disgusted that it has come to this again. More fool me for thinking he could change and be a normal person. He can’t. He doesn’t know how to be. He gets my so wound up like my chest goes tight, he just tells me that this is the reason he does not want to be around me. He is seriously insane. SERIOUSLY insane!! At 1am he told me he was coming, and that this is the last weekend he will do this too me (heard it all before) and what a surprise, right now he isn’t answering. I have spent this pregnancy wishing I just wasn’t pregnant far too much. I need to move on from him. He is no good. But how do I do that when I am pregnant and too vulnerable to do this all on my own?!