Tag: Family

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

So strange ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

The meme is right , it will take a long time to actually get to grips with the fact that this is what we’ll be. Strangers! Well almost! Until April 2018 the non-molestation order is in place and I can’t even speak to him. Will that even happen? I doubt it, I bumped into him in Asda for goodness sake. I guess I look at it like he’s back in side. The difference being that that aching feeling where I’m longing for my soul mate has been replaced with an anxious grieving feeling where I just wish everything was so different.

After the police called me ALL I could think of was the good times our holiday, our laughs, our family, prison visits, our letters, our past and the way he made me feel even just one month ago has vanished! I looked back at my Instagram where there are posts upon posts about how he was my true love and how we would be together forever despite the fact he was locked up. I was completely besotted by him and that’s ALL I can think off! How the fuck does that happen?? Where’s my feelings of hate? Resentment? Why can’t I remember the amount of emotional and physical abuse he’s put me through? Well that’s a lie, I do remember it I just don’t feel it the way I felt it at the time. This is a man who emotionally tortured me so much to the point where I was screaming for him to shut up and leave me alone, when he didn’t I took a knife and cut myself in front of him to get him to STOP. He dragged me to the bathroom to wash my wound and yet still didn’t stop, telling me I wasn’t well and that he was sure I would tell people that he did it. That was never my intention I just needed him to STOP! I have the scar, I can see that everyday yet I still fucking miss him!! That was nearly a year ago now and I can see the film of it in my head, my phone was in my bra and he was trying to get it. All this abuse was around my infidelity when he was in prison and how I attention seeked on social media. He could take a small bit of reality and turn it into something so crazily toxic and damaging, it was clever though because I did blame myself. That was his intention, make me feel like I deserved it and so when he was charming again it was minimised and it was me apologising for making him that way. He apologised too, of course he did! ‘It’s ok’ .. I comforted.

I now need to decide if I can go to court, I don’t think I can. I guess I just have to see, he ‘no comment’ed his whole interview. What is he thinking now?! 36 hours ago he was telling me how much he loved me, how he’s fucked up his whole life now and that he’ll do whatever he can to support me as the father of my child. Why do I care how he’s feeling? He never cared when I was feeling distraught and devastated!

I am angry with social services. I begged for their help back in June, as part of the plan back in May he was required to do the domestic violence perpetrator course. By end of June I had wrote a letter of complaint surrounding the lack of support by Social Services. I explained how things were better but he needs that help! Nothing changed and by July I had made the decision we didn’t have a future together, whenever he did engage with our social worker he said the same ‘I want us to be a family’ bullshit. Accepting he would take the help! Why wasn’t he fucking given it?? I don’t believe it would have saved our relationship but with more support and involvement we would not be here today with police and non molestation orders. We just wouldn’t be !!

Once I give the go ahead then the CPS will decide if there is enough evidence. I doubt there will be, it’s all my word against his. Initially I felt like I would feel like ‘my abuse wasn’t really abuse’ if the CPS said insufficient evidence but no I’m stronger than that. The DCI is ringing me Sunday, my current feelings are to do it. If it’s NFA’d then good I don’t have to deal with all the shit court will bring and I will show that I’ve done everything I can. If by miracle he is charged … then I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Ate too much !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Why is it whenever I ‘try’ to lose weight I overeat!? If I focus too much on it I can’t think about anything but overeating ! It went ok in the day then by the evening I ate everything in sight!

I did well barely eating when I was under that stress, it came naturally and I felt good! It’s my party on Saturday and I need to stop! I thought by not speaking to him again it would give me that knot in my stomach but it has only made me want to eat through comfort! Well tomorrow is a new day and I’m amazed I didn’t call him.

It’s fucking insane and unless someone has been in my situation or completely understands how these relationships work then I don’t expect anyone to ‘get it.’ I’ve wrote a blog before about he’s my addiction and it’s true. I now know his number off by heart and as soon as I checked the middle digits of his number I instantly regretted it. Trying to forget a number then makes you think of nothing else but that number, then it’s a battle like a drug addict would have when they want to call for their hit! I would get my hit just by hearing how much he misses me, how much he wants to see me and his fake promises. How he would agree with every single thing I say but in reality what does it matter. He doesn’t mean it, not really, he’s saying it because that’s what he thinks will work. All I’m doing is feeding into his ego, by having no contact it is much better for my healing and it breaks his supply. He cannot cope without that!

I picked up my uni books this evening. I didn’t get much done but I did it! I spent too much time scrolling through shit on social media still and of course eating crap!!

Tomorrow I am in control and tomorrow shall be a good and productive day !!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in life, pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, singlemum

Who knew … cabbage leaves !?

Posted on by KerryLouise

How is my baby 6 days old already ? These days are so precious and yet are going so fast. I’ve even looked at my beautiful baby and felt bad for moaning about being pregnant so much. I grew her , I kept her safe and look at how much joy she now brings.


I know I’m bias but she’s beautiful, I feel so blessed and daddy is absolutely still besotted by her. Yesterday at my mums comments were made on how you don’t know she’s here and my sister even said ‘when will she cry?’ She often fidgets like she’s about to but it never develops only when she’s hungry. It helps that she gets lots of cuddles too. 

My niece who is 4 held her for the majority of the day. She didn’t want to give her up , it was so lovely to see. So she has a big cousin AND a big sister … 


I got a bit emotional last night, my first daughter hasn’t spent the night here since I was admitted into hospital. As me and my mum dropped her back at her dads last night I did realise how much I’m missing her. All my attention has been on Ariana and I feel bad, but then I realise how much love I have for both of them and I well up. I have been so lucky that my daughters dad is a really good father he’s been very supportive in a time where many men may not have been. He’s been taking her to school, picking her up and his sister too has been great. All this support, I am so lucky! I really wonder how new mums do it who are not so lucky. I also couldn’t imagine having children close together, hats off to those mamas! My friend is off work tomorrow so she is happy to take me to do the school run. I am so excited to have her tomorrow night. My two babies ❤️

So the cabbage leaves!! Day 6 and I’m still exclusively breastfeeding, there’s still been tears and cries. Pain that makes you hold your breath. During the night last night I had thought again about just getting a bottle (luckily I do not have this option to tempt me in the middle of the night ) as even Dominic said should we just go to bottles. I know it’s not what I want but when she’s fighting the latch and then latching on and I feel the excruciating pain, whilst super tired! I feel it’s the way forward.

She latched really well this morning, but my left breast has been out of order for most of the day. As I was feeding, the health visitor called me and reiterated what others have said about cabbage leaves. I have instantly felt like it has made a difference, they are not as engorged and I don’t feel like I need to hold them for some relief. The health visitor recommended (although admitted that she shouldn’t be) nipple shields. I’ve used them today too and that has also provided some comfort . I haven’t always kept them on for the entire feed but it certainly helps with getting my nipple into the right shape with less uncomfortableness. Here’s hoping we are seeing the finish line in this pain!!


When she’s on me it really is the best feeling and my focus is that end goal! 

10:15pm and I’m dropping asleep already! The half a packet of biscuits haven’t helped and that’s very naughty of me! I weighed myself yesterday .. 4 stone up even still! 

Oh well! I’ll lose it 💪🏼

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.