Tag: men

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Today I was weak..

Posted on by KerryLouise

But I need to not beat myself up. I had a conversation with him.. did I get out of it what I wanted? No not really. Did it make me feel any better? A little bit. I wish I could hate him, like really hate him but I just don’t. It’s normal to grieve a relationship but there’s something very different when your grieving from the traumatic events from a relationship from a narcissist. I heard again that he only went there because she was ‘being nice to him’ and I wasn’t. I found myself almost sympathising with that again.. no no I had to bring it back. Truth is I was only being nasty because I didn’t want to be with him anymore and he had his chance to leave and be with ‘someone nice’ but he continued to lie and try and deceive me. There’s no explanation for that. He apologised, he said it was killing him, that he missed me, that he ‘fucked up’. Truth is he’s only feeling these emotions now because it’s now affecting him. He didn’t give a shit when he was doing what he was doing or when he was denying me in front of the old bird. I knew she was older, she looked it. Makes a change he usually goes to teenagers, this time someone 13 years older than him. Poor cow. Apparently he told her he can’t do this anymore, that’ll be a lie. Either she’s saw some sense through her desperation or it hasn’t ended at all. I don’t believe a word he says. I told him I felt sorry for him, that he won’t find another me. That’s when he bought up our good times in a desperate attempt to say I wouldn’t find another him either. I told him straight though I’d rather be in a relationship where the sex wasn’t as good or the good times were not so fulfilling than continue with someone like him where the disrespect was rife! He tried to defend himself and say it wasn’t as bad recently as it has been but that’s only because he’s completely unaware on what level of respect a basic human being deserves let alone the mother of his child.

Relapse number 1. I can do this! Erase his thoughts from my mind, I can never ever EVER be with him again so just checking in to see that ‘he still cares’ is pointless!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Lonely, Singlemum

Rollercoaster

Posted on by KerryLouise

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. I still can’t get it out my head, I’m sure I’m not expected too either. I felt good this morning. I read a lot of my old blogs and reminded me of all the pain he put me through. I sure as hell know this is the only way to get my life back. Then I started to feel like I missed him this evening, that addiction was coming back. So much I want to say to him but it was always so pointless anyway. His mother really has fucked it with me too. How dare she do what she did!! Over some clothes ?? I planned to send pictures of baby through the post, keep in contact that way until I was strong enough to be involved with them again. No way now. No way!! I understand blood is thicker than water but she had no reason to get involved. My parents haven’t and he deserves it! Ironic since he always used to tell me how embarrassing I was that I spoke to people. Whose the embarrassment now?! I sleep knowing I haven’t done anything wrong, this will eat her up for the rest of her life knowing she raised a monster. She raised an animal who has no boundaries and no respect. I’m sure she’ll have plenty more grandchildren the way he puts it about! Disgusting! Shameful!

Even though I have read a lot about narcissists it still doesn’t make sense. I still fail to get my head around it. I did blame myself a lot, and I appreciate I hurt him but his behaviour is not a reflection on that. His chose shotting drugs over me, over me and his daughter! That’s what it all boils down too.

I’m fucking fabulous and he’s a fucking fool! He will hurt more than me, for the rest of his life. I go from love and sad to hate and disgust determined to make him pay. He’ll play the victim though of course he will, his next target, his next supply he’ll use the sob story of his bitter baby mum that stopped him from seeing his child. Failing to leave out the daily insults, the daily disrespect, the bruises, the lies and the fact I loved him with all my heart. I just got pushed far far too much, I needed out. I needed to breathe. How can he hold me so tight one minute, be so sure that he could die for me, adamant that the love is insane then the next minute make me feel like I’m nothing. Flip on me without even so much as a warning! What did I do to deserve it?

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I didn’t want it to end this way

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday was awful, it was a day I wish to never experience again. There was so much that happened that it didn’t feel like my life, it felt like a film or an episode of a soap. So many emotions and still so much trauma. I say it didn’t feel like my life but this is a feeling I have felt repeatedly for the past 3 years. Right from my then much loved boyfriend being arrested in my bedroom to now where I want him to be arrested for everything he has put me through.

Due to the domestic violence incidents back in the early part of the year both my children were placed on a child protection plan. Now I can honestly say,  with other professionals in agreement that Social Services have failed. They have been useless, considering the severity of what this plan actually means it has had absolutely no benefit or positive impact on my life. I engaged with them, I was honest, I cried and begged for help and even wrote a letter of complaint. It was all pointless. Potentially if the incidents were few and far between I wouldn’t have been so honest, maybe if it wasn’t as unlivable as it was then I would have continued to keep it a secret. If I was financially dependent on him that would have made it even more impossible to act and stand up. The truth is I have been strong, I know that now. Even at times when I feel so weak I take a moment and feel worry for how many women (and men) are out there who are experiencing all this which is really making them unhappy. I am strong because I spoke up and I am making it stop….. finally!

The child protection conference was held yesterday morning and I made the decision that I did not want to attend. I wrote my statement and stuck to my word. I had a court hearing in the afternoon anyway which was much more important than some poxy conference with an inadequate social services team. I was informed that the meeting did not go ahead, Dominic showed with his mother and spent 45 minutes talking with the chair. The meeting was postponed due to ‘differences in stories’ … I was furious!! Fucking furious!! I know that him and his mother would have sat there and made out all this was my fault. Spineless bastards! His mother TOTALLY knows what he is like, she heard him herself just a few weeks ago when he found out I was going to Ibiza. She has even said to me in the past ‘how did you end up with a man like him?!’ It made me SICK to think of the lies and manipulation that would have happened in that room. I think his mother thinks men like him are normal, she needs to wake the fuck up. “Your son even abuses you!” Failing to turn up when he says he will! It isn’t normal behaviour and I feel sorry for his sister. She will end up with a man just like him because no one is teaching her the severity of his behaviour! The chair even made a comment that I would not get the injunction and was vocal about how no one can stop Dominic from seeing his daughter!! All I could think of was… “How have I spent months being told by health professionals that I have been a victim of domestic abuse and defending him, to now defending myself and having to prove that this has been the case!! I turned my tears into determination. I will make sure he pays for everything he has done to me.

His mother is a disgrace to women! Standing by a man who she KNOWS has treated me so bad. She’s heard his words, seen my bruises, heard the stories and even been dumbfounded how someone like me can end up with someone like him. She turned up at my work, calling me a liar, adamant she wanted her possessions! How shameful is that more interested in a few designer jeans than her own granddaughter. She is upset with my blog it seems. Well I won’t stop telling my story and I will not be bullied into anything ANYMORE!! Maybe she should look close to home and realise if she raised him correct he wouldn’t be dealing drugs, carrying knives and abusing women!

I went to court and the judge was satisfied with my statement that a full no contact order should be granted. My worries of it not being granted were diminished. I felt relieved.

Him and his mum showed their true colours on the phone to my daughters nursery. Twisting things, trying to manipulate her, doing exactly what he does to me everyday of my life. The nursery now have their own opinion and it isn’t as simple as them ‘believing a woman over a man.’ Like they were accusing. They will fuck themselves on their own and I know that now!

Before his mum showing up I was feeling sad about it coming to this. I know I had taken more than enough but I still wished I could have done more to stop it getting so final. So nasty. So bitter! But he deserves it boy he deserves it!! Today just highlighted that this really is the only way!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Sleepless nights are the worst …

Posted on by KerryLouise

When will this end? All I can think about tonight is the situation .. I was so tired earlier and as soon as I try and sleep it’s bam!! Him!! What is wrong with me?

I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder what’s going to happen next, I imagine how I’d react if he has another baby. I get annoyed that he may potentially never realise the damage he has caused. If I get the injunction it’s only a year and then what ?! It could only be 6 months. I’m not sure that is long enough, would I fall straight back into his trap should this happen.

I wish he would move away. I wish the police would do their fucking job and catch him for drug dealing. If he was locked up then I could heal better. I wouldn’t have to worry about where he is, what he’s doing and whether I will bump into him whilst I’m out. Just being in Asda earlier I felt sketchy and on edge. I cannot explain enough how just seeing him will put me back! He’d put on the charm, he’d beg and he would plead. Or would he? Maybe this time he’s actually feeling genuine hate for me?! Why does that even bother me!

Now I am standing on the outside I realise more and more really how abusive he is. It frustrates me that I ever gave him ammunition to throw back at me. How different would it have been if I hadn’t of? He would have still carried on drug dealing, that’s in his blood, although he says he wouldn’t have. He still would have cheated, again he denies but he cheated before he even went to jail so that’s still inevitable. He still shows true traits of someone who suffers with narcissistic personality disorder and I’m realising this more and more each day. Memes across Instagram highlight the things I could not deal with on a daily basis. I found my self explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown adult. He never saw a problem with not being contactable or going AWOL telling me that he is a grown up man and can do what he likes. He used my emotions against me, emotions he intentionally provoked yet cussed and teased at how over sensitive I was. If he promised a meal out and then last minute he said no, instead of consoling my hurt he would explain that my attitude is exactly why he doesn’t want to be around me. Then he would never listen to me, I don’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation. Most probably when he was in prison. Narcissists are so self centred that even though they claim to be interested they don’t listen to anything you have to tell them. If a question was asked he’d ask me to repeat what I said and he never had a real interest in my life. Not really! He’d easily go long lengths of time not asking how I am, and if I didn’t text first he was quick to say how he hadn’t heard from me all day. If I didn’t reply to him then again I would be questioned but it was always ok for him. He was aggressive in nature when he wanted to be, if something wasn’t going his way he would sit me down and talk at me like I was a child. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was fabricated and not sincere. He’s spoke for months about how he’s getting his driving licence sorted, he would try and make me feel like ‘I was going to miss out on change’ explaining that he had work lined up.

I couldn’t rely on him. I was a full single mum dealing with the stresses of a relationship. He would say he wants to bath baby and put her to bed but turn up at 11pm. I would ask him to watch her whilst I went out and he said that he didn’t know. Times he did say yes he would use it as an element of control, if I breathed too deeply then it was his green card to say ‘find someone else.’ Every single bit about the relationship was truly awful.

He’d blame me for the fact we did nothing together, yet that was all his doing. I would hear him deal drugs whilst I was on the phone to him and he’d just hang up without a second thought. He’d tell me to ring back in 5 minutes and not answer in 40. His timing was ALWAYS horrific! Even right at the start. You don’t tell someone you’ll be 5 minutes and be 5 hours, you just don’t.

What am I worrying about? What do I fear! I know I do not want him, I know I will meet someone else who will show me exactly how a relationship should be. I KNOW for certain he won’t be no saint for any woman and it’s them that can deal with the shit and not me! He’s already disrespected this one by sleeping with me, and texts on his phone showed he asked another girl out for a drink. He would have disappeared for days at a time from her too especially when he had no phone so more fool her for not getting out sooner. He’ll get bored of her soon, he’ll bide his time for a bit whilst he’s trying to move in and then he’ll not give her a second thought. Narcissists don’t!

You really cannot trust ANYONE who can kiss you whilst you’re sleeping and whisper ‘I love you so much’ whilst knowing what I was accusing him of was true. Look me in my eyes and hold me so I can’t go, feeding me lie after lie after lie. Believing his own lies.

There’s clearly nothing wrong with me, it’s him!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

You don’t get to tell me what to do ever again!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

And that feels good… like really good.

I listened to a couple of voice recordings I had in my phone today. It’s a shame they don’t back up as with all the phones he’s smashed up I lost loads of evidence of his behaviour! The two I have are quite recent and to be honest they are not even THAT bad compared to other times.

Back in June I wasn’t allowed to leave the house in what I was wearing. He told me I should respect his wishes and that he has to ‘teach’ and ‘help’ me how to have self respect and worth. His patronising angry tone, that you can hear in my voice has tied me up in knots and I’m a sobbing mess asking him what I was allowed to wear. I remember that day, I wasn’t allowed to leave my flat and he made sure of that by hiding my bag. Despite me explaining that it was an outfit I had wore previously in his company he wasn’t taking any of it. My bum was out was his concerns and I should respect him and myself. This also reminds me of a dress I tried on in front of him that I planned to wear to my friends hen party. He made a comment about how I shouldn’t wear it, I did and boy that was a rough night. A lecture and a half, he also had my Instagram account where he deleted random men’s comments on the photo of me in the dress and of course that was my fault. ‘Begging attention,’ ‘needy’ and ‘pathetic’. Then his favourite ‘I want a real woman not someone like you.’ He firmly told me I was not allowed on any more weekends away with the girls.

The second recording is over a misunderstanding about when he was buying me a new handbag as I had mine stolen. Any ‘normal’ person would say ‘no sorry you got confused babe I didn’t mean this weekend.’ Not him, not his narcissistic personality. It developed into an hour long lecture over how I was a joke and ungrateful. How I couldn’t ever accept when I was wrong. In a 16 minute voice recording he must have said how I was a joke 15 times. Explaining over and over again that it’s ‘really sad’ he can’t have a conversation with the mother of his child. How I can’t ever be told (like I’m a child.) i hear how I’m up my own arse, how I play and act dumb and how I’ll continue to have these problems with other men. As no one will put up with me the way I am! The repetitions of not being able to talk to me are tiresome when I ask him what he wants to talk about. A narcissist doesn’t know, he just repeats the point and will not follow it up with any substance. Trying to prove over and over again it’s me and it certainly isn’t him.

I also kept a diary for a month with a sentence for each day. It’s good to look back on and it shows me exactly why the injunction is needed. Since June I’ve been telling him I don’t want him but he is so used to abusing, controlling and manipulating me this will never stop without serious measures. Even in the 16 minute recording he begins by saying ‘like you said we’re not together’ and by the end he’s saying ‘in a relationship a man and woman should be able to communicate’ , obviously trying to highlight that my communication skills need work and re-iterating that I am still very much his!

He is obsessed with me, he is a possessive, jealous and a needy human. Especially since I had his baby, he sees that as he’s put his mark on me. ‘You think I’m having a baby mum whose in town every weekend opening her dirty legs’, ‘I’ll get wicked on you, you know’ and ‘over my dead body will you have another man in this town.’ Oh and let’s not forget ‘do your thing if you wish but I’m not letting you go and when I’m ready I will be coming back for you girl.’ We’ve been here before, he won’t stop thinking of me, he sure as hell won’t be bothered about my thoughts and pain from what he’s caused. As a narc he is so self centred he’ll be concerned about him. How he feels! He knows he won’t ever have anyone like me again. ‘I fucked up’ .. with the tears, ‘I am sorry’ … no no he’s just sorry that he’s suffering now. He isn’t sorry to me and never ever has been. He’ll tell anyone and everyone that will listen that I’m bitter and twisted. Using our baby as a weapon and I’m sure when he realises that this is really it this time that’ll fuel his fire to blame me once more.

‘All I know is I would have given you fucking everything if you didn’t wrong me when I went to jail’, that line used to get me. I would hate myself for doing what I did, blame myself for the whole situation. Revenge he would scream and I believed him. When I heard it this week I just laughed and told him to get over it. He’s boring now, poor him for reading a text message I sent to a man ‘hurry, I need warming up’ .. pity party him!! Circumstances do not make someone an abusive person, they are just abusive! Nothing I did justifies this behaviour… nothing!

He punched a hole in my wall even before he went to jail because an old flame had text me… should have spotted the red flags then!

So tonight I can sleep well. He can no longer tell me what to wear, what to do, where to eat (yes he has done that before), what to spend my money on, what friends I can see or where I go. Sometimes the control is indirect, he’ll make the situation so difficult it’s easier to just agree and bow down to his requests. I never ever have to hear another lie, word or comment come out of his mouth again. I do know something I will NEVER be involved with anyone like him again! Ever!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Day 1

Posted on by KerryLouise

So I’m back at Day 1 on that rollercoaster that is dieting ! I’ve gained 7lb since May and it’s purely down to the fact I can’t just eat in moderation. If I have 1 cookie I see it as a failure so eat 6. It’s a mad mentality. It needs to come back down, I need that confidence back.

Went and let idiot into my life again this weekend, I wanted a night out and out of babysitting options I called on him. Something has got to give … 2 hours late on Saturday for his daddy duties and then Sunday morning picked a fight for no reason. I don’t want bitterness, I don’t want the bad feeling but I really don’t want to be with him either!

Sunday morning he sat and went through my phone told me ‘men can do certain things women can’t.’ I feel like I go blank when he starts now , I got upset. His passive aggressiveness is too much , then made the mistake of having him come back Sunday night too. This morning was even worse, got the bruised gripped hand marks on my top left arm to prove that. Then he goes on like it’s completely normal and carries on with his ‘I love you’ bullshit!!

He honestly is the only person I know who could have a row with himself in an empty room. Any chance he gets! On Saturday he even showed me some dirt on his jumper and asked me like I am a child ‘what the fuck is that?’ I don’t know where he learnt how to talk to people but it certainly wasn’t in a good place. Equally how am I meant to know why his jumper has a stain.. oh sorry I forgot it was because I had packed all his stuff up and he’s living out of the suitcases and bags! My fault .. of course it’s my fault.

This morning was one of those times I longed for a button. A button I could press to just get him out ! Get him to disappear. It started because baby picked something up and put it to her mouth. It then becomes this massive deal where he blames everyone else for this happening and how she could have died. Funny thing is .. he’s barely around and I’ve kept her alive so I’m pretty sure he didn’t save her life today. Then when he’d stopped having his hissy fit over that it was then over something else. He makes me sit on the bed to ‘talk’ yet all he does is shout bullshit at me , doesn’t let me say a word and then complains how ‘he can’t even talk to me.’ He holds me on the bed I try push him off , kick him off too but I get a back hand to the top of my bare leg. God he’s evil, like a bad bad parent from the days when violence was ok on your own children. I much rather be on my own I rather loneliness than this. Unfortunately it isn’t rare, his stroppy moods, his sulking and his just bad bad negative vibe is constant.

I used to long for him to come places with me, wished he’d spend more time with us … now I want him to go. I would love him back in prison. A place where he has little control and I can feel at peace. We can watch a film together, chill but that’s about it anything else is World War 3. Oh and let’s not forget how slow he is at getting ready.. and I’m meant to just wait around for him. There was no reason today he had to leave with us but instead stressed us all out , took my car key and took baby off me after grabbing my arm. I was left with no choice but to wait.

He left me being the sweet side of him (which I believe is why he wanted me to wait) , stayed with us in town for a bit and went on his way.

I need a distraction, someone I can call when I feel to call him. I had 2 texts today the 2nd saying ‘I love you so much.’ Then just now he was rude, obnoxious, arrogant and uninterested with me on the phone. Hung up on me without saying goodbye, standard procedure for him with then a message saying ‘sorry beautiful mad busy tonight.’

God sake police … just catch him. Get him locked up!

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……