Tag: sex

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Fat Friday

Posted on by KerryLouise

Diet: Bad   Relationship: Good   Mood: OK

Another hot stuffy day, I was promised rain and it did not deliver. Looking at the forecast there is no rain for the forseeable future either. I want rain, I need it to be cooler. I’m still super lucky that I havent had any swelling. My feet still look normal sized, amazing since I’m now nearly 33 weeks pregnant and I had bad feet from around 25 weeks last time.

I do feel fed up every now and again. When I’m thinking about how long left and how much bigger I will get. I just avoid mirrors and that helps the situation. I saw an old work friend today and she was shocked at how little time I had left so I took that as a positive.

My sister and I took our little girls to an American diner today where one of my other sisters works. I did eat alot, starters which included mozzerella sticks, breaded chilli peoppers and breaded mushrooms. My main was a chicken, chips and coleslaw, then of course a hot chocolate fudge cake with cream for dessert. I couldn’t move for a while after and I swear I grew in size. In my defence other than that all I had was a bowel of frosted shreddies, good job really as even now 7 hours laer I still couldnt eat again.

I had sex this morning when Dominic got in from work. We’ve gone from every day to like maybe once a week if he’s lucky. My sex drive was insane at the beginning, now I actually have no desire. I do look at it him and think corrr but I just enjoy admiring him from a distance, my growing bump and inability to move quickly just makes sex feel like a chore rather than an enjoyable past time. When we hit 37 weeks though, I’ll do it ALL the time!! I’ll want this baby out!! We actually had no arguments today, he did get funny about me going out to eat earlier, tried to make me feel guilty but he doesn’t think of me when he’s spent all night in a night club so I wasn’t going to buy into his sob story. He soon got over it, he needs his sleep anyway working nights.

The flat across the road is becoming a real problem. This week alone I’ve told them at 11pm to keep music down. Then Dominic has told them twice, once last night at 9:30pm just before I took him to work and once this evening at 7:30pm. I just heard music again at nearly midnight. Tried to get their attention but failed, luckily it has stopped now. I MUST call enviromental health on Monday, I actually wonder how they even ever got planning permission for these flats. When we bought this flat over 9 years ago I was told the building opposite was listed and flats would never be built because they were too close…surely I can sue someone somewhere! Getting pissed off now, wouldn’t be so bad if the flats were like ours but they are clearly all housing association. Just last night there were 4 police cars in the street, an ambulance and a stupid woman crying drama, then the issue the other week with all the kids in the street. Hmmmm. I shall do my research.

 

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Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Trust No One!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If it’s not me having drama with men it’s the close people around me I swear. I have no faith in humanity anymore, none at all. It was very little before now but now it has gone completely.

Not only have I had to deal with some anger I have towards an ex best friend who was at the hands of an evil man suffering serious domestic violence but I have also learnt some news this evening that has shocked me. In fact shocked is an understatement, I don’t even know how to describe it. The ex best friend story can wait she’s irrelevant right now, my sister is priority.

It’s 5 minutes to midnight and I am waiting for my sister to come round and see me. She has tonight found out her boyfriend of 5 years has been seeing another girl. They have a 4 year old daughter and a mortgage on a house in which she plays complete wifey in. All I’ve had from my sister is that she saw his phone, she went through it and the girl is Russian, sends dirty pictures and he’s been buying her presents. I am livid… so livid! What an absolute coward of a man to blame the fact that they don’t have sex on this disgusting infidelity!

She’s making me feel anxious, I don’t know where she is.

OK she’s here!!

 

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Day 1 and the Saturday night torture…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Its 10:50pm I havent even opened my text book to revise. What is wrong with me? Instead I feel the need to wallow in my own self pity and look at old instagram pictures of when my life looked fun and I was happy going out partying knowing I would see my man at the end of the night. Big sighs! I’ve been on POF tonight, great. What a disaster that was previously in my life, not quite sure what I thought I would get out of it. I even had the urge to just text that guy from last week something forward and enticing but what the hell is that going to prove? My urge to just have random sex with a random man has now gone and I now have Cher singing to me and that empty lonely feeling. The summer is coming, my exams will be over and there is no way I will be staying in like this every weekend. I am sure it will get me in to trouble but I can’t just waste my life like this. I need to laugh. I need to feel good about myself and socialise with people this is just depressing!

Anyway …

Day 1 has gone well 1,177 calories.

Breakfast – mixed grain crispbreads (bit random but was all I could find)

Lunch – Subway, turkey breast and ham on honey oat week

Dinner – Chicken and rice

Snacks – Salt & vinegar crinkly cheddars (my fave)

I walked 8,383 steps with no exercise. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym and doing an 8k training programme.

I will be looking fab for summer and be out ALOT!!! Why should my life stop because he got himself locked up?!

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He shook my world…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I think every girl has that one guy that they will always be weak too. The one guy who seemed absolutely perfect, that blinded you with niavity and yet it can be looked back on and alarm bells was obvious right from the get go. Why do we not see those alarm bells? Do we just choose to ignore them? Convincing ourselves it is something that it isn’t.

I don’t know what I would do if I was to see him again now. It isn’t unusual for me to click on his profile picture, have a look… or even check out his profile and see if there was anything else to see. It goes beyond that, I check out his ‘girlfriend’ (who’s current profile picture has changed to just her not them both) and his family too. It was obsessive at one point, half hoping not to find anything. Ignorance is bliss type of scenario. Now I do it just to be nosy, it doesn’t have that same effect on me but I STILL DO IT!!!

I would like to see him again, my confidence is double it was when I knew him. I am a different person. He was around when I was in that job I hated. I am much more comfortable in my own skin, I know I could have him if I wanted.

I didn’t blog much whilst we were seeing each other. Doesn’t mean it was all great, because it wasn’t. Being in my current relationship shows exactly what was wrong about me and D. He was so secretive, so dark, mysterious. Maybe that’s what kept me so addicted. He was also the first black man I had had sex with. Why hadn’t I had been doing it my whole adult life?!? I questioned myself. I know love sees no colour, but there is something incredibly sexy about being in a relationship with a black man. Usually I am not lost for words but I cannot even explain what I love about it. Its just different. I liked being seen out with him. I liked how much power my body can have over him, I definitely enjoyed the sex with him. I was confident. I let my body do the talking.

That being, it still didn’t make me confident when I would have to think about every word spoke to him. Each text message I would analyse and analyse some more. Regret certain things I did or said in case that was the reason he had ‘lost interest’, it was a physically and emotionally distressing experience but yet I couldn’t get enough.

The weekly meets came to an end in March and I felt like I would never ever get over it. My old blog makes it clearer.

Thursday 26th February 2013

Is he that person who will make me feel happy, safe and loved? Is he the person who will bring me out of this mini hole that I am stuck in at the moment? And I have to answer myself honestly, no I do not think he is. There I said it, it makes all this stuff so much easier to deal with when I realise that he is not the one. Driving home from work today I imagined being his girl on his arm, having a future with him and I see us just both being happy. Having him look at me the way he always does, have him be protective over me and be proud that I am his. I have just watched him go online on whatsapp and pray that I see him typing and I havent. I want to absolutely ball my eyes out, why? why? why? I need to wake the hell up…. why would he not even say night like he has done in the past. He didn’t last night but yet I wake up to “mornin xx”.. it is a complete head fuck and I have so much more that I can explain and type about and I will, eventually!! God I wish I could ask someone… do I leave him to it?! (where on so many occasions he has blamed me for being distant, gone quiet or not having much convo)… text him night where it looks like I am making an effort and his non communication hasnt bothered me or text him something saying how I feel!! I think I will wait till the morning see what happens… !!

I wish I didnt fancy him so god damn much, my lust for him is completely mental. I have never ever felt like this about anyone before, of course I love so easily but I mean in a physically attraction way. He in my opinion is a complete head turner, and I cannot believe someone like him would of had in an interest in me. I need to move on! (Now I look back and he’s no where near the same level as my current boyfriend)

Wednesday 27th February 2013

I have just spent the past hour having that tightening in my stomach and chest, and crying tears that were uncontrollable and loud like a small child. Is it me?! Am I over thinking too much and wanting too much out of something?! Or is it him?! Not really giving a damn about me and I am just something to pass his time.

This man has been in my life for 4 months now, 4 months!! That is a long time right… a long time for someone to be in your life, granted it hasn’t been 4 months of a whirlwind romance like I have experienced previously but 4 months of seeing his name daily appear on my phone. Many meetings for rendezvous, laughs and feeling like someones girl. 4 months is a long time to me.

Last night I saw he went online again after I finished my blog and after telling myself I wasn’t going to text , I did “so I don’t even get a night anymore :(” I did wake up to “night babe xx”. After waking up and then seeing I didn’t get a morning message I saw rage “Don’t just say it because you feel you have too, you have made yourself perfectly clear.” In hindsight I was possibly too hasty, after all we have had discussions in the past where he has felt insecure about me not texting first, he often has questioned “why should I text you first?” and “why no morning message when you have been online?” and even “how’s your new fella, because you don’t text me in the morning.” His reply this morning was put bluntly “I txt u as much as u txt me”, what could I reply to that?! It was pretty true to be honest however in my head it is because I often will text him last but then still get accused of being “quiet all day.” This evening I asked him if he wants me to leave him alone, I got no reply then after seeing him go on and off line I was beside myself and had to put it out there.. why would he not even reply to me? I also asked him to not do this to me. Once again he went online and did not reply straight away. Why would he be happy to let me feel the way I was currently feeling?! I had made the decision in my head he was no longer worth it, he did not respect me, he just did not care enough and the old phrase “you are worth better” came up on the convo with my friends. Being told and agreeing that I needed to let him go and respect myself. Asking my friends when would I feel better and joking about Birmingham and how my mission is to kiss a different boy in every bar we go too. Then I see him typing “I neva said I wanted u to leave me alone babe!! x” …. Back to square fucking ONE!!

Present day

Now after reading all that I ask myself why did I deal with all those games so much. That’s all it was to him, a game. This became clearer as I started to get over him and found the strength to do so

Monday 29th April 2013

Went out with the girls at the weekend, I mentioned a few times that I wanted to go home, but girls wouldn’t let me and my God am I glad I didn’t. At 1:30am we decided to go to the bar I met D in all those months back. A bar we barely even make it too and I will never ever forget the feeling I had or even the words ” there’s D” EVER! I could not actually believe it, ACTUALLY still cannot believe it. The man who I have literally been lusting after for so many months and weeks was right there in front of me. He made me weak, of course I spoke to him, I think I did it pretty well to be honest. I don’t remember the conversation word for word. But I remember him asking me how had I been, why hadn’t I text him. He kissed me on my lips but then pulled away, touched between my legs, gave me that look that completely makes me melt! He asked me if I was wearing tights and said “those legs man” and looked me up and down. I was by his side for over an hour, didn’t leave it apart from when he went to the toilet. I remember his friend saying “you must be *****” and then briefly remember him saying “you like him don’t you”…. was I making it that obvious?! I told D he had something over me, and I didn’t know what it was, maybe I shouldn’t of been as honest as that but he had to know. He mentioned that if he wasn’t with me that night I’d prob be off pulling, then when he saw the text messages on my phone he said “booty call?” What does he mean by that?! Jealousy again, maybe that’s what he could never deal with. He told me to text him soon , I really didn’t want to leave his side but his bro and friends were going to a different bar with some girls and I wasn’t going there. H my best friend made me see sense and to just walk off, I thought he was following me out but he wasn’t there I wanted to say bye. I was the stronger person and just walked. He had my number. I knew that I could potentially text him again however I felt sick at the thought of him getting with someone else. Completely amazed at what had just happened. Wanted to put the whole night in a bottle and keep it there. I get home and he had text me!!! He ended up leaving them all in the club and coming to see me! Walking up the stairs he couldn’t keep his hands off me, we were kissing so much and the sexual tension was completely mental once again. I still could not believe he was here when he was in my bed, he enjoyed it. I could tell he did, he told me that as soon as he saw me he knew he wanted to fuck me again. He told me how much he had missed my pussy once he entered me. I just loved kissing him, loved feeling his body against mine, the heat that comes from him and his hands all over me. It is complete lust like no other, it has never ever felt like this before. Only him. Only he can do this to me. He kissed me as he left, then kissed me again, he said I went a bit weird but I was fine, just hated that he was going and potentially wasn’t going to see him again!

Today has been horrible, I have just slept most of it. I text him today something naughty and I’ve not had a reply. He did text me yesterday asking if I was ok, and double checked I was ok about everything as I seemed off after, I just said not at all. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say?! How am I meant to play this now?! I so know he would want me again, what is his problem?! What the hell is going through his head?! For Joe Bloggs it would be so easy to turn round and say “he used you” but why would he go out of his way to put him self on me when it potentially could open a whole can of worms again. Not naive enough to think that he wants it back to like it was, but he must still feel that thing we have or Saturday night would not of been worth the potential aggro he could be facing. It all just does not make sense.

Present Day

I needed that night as closure. I found out some more stuff after I saw him once again out in my home town a few months later. He had a girlfriend, the same one I had stalked previously and assumed it was his ‘ex’. He probably never split from her, he showed signs how he loved that he could have me if he wanted me. I was annoyed with myself that he knew this. It was from this I then changed. I found confidence, I began to use men and treat them the way he had treated me. He randomly text me again in September which I managed to turn around and tell him to basically leave me alone. That felt good.

I wonder what would happen if I text him again!

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Writing is The Best Therapy

Posted on by KerryLouise

Growing up, I used to write a lot, pages and pages of thoughts, feelings and real life events. It helped me get everything off my chest. No matter how small the problem was , I would sit in my room and just write for hours. As an adult I have hardly wrote, not since it got me in to trouble that is. I kept a small diary when I was pregnant, complaints of tiredness, weight gain and an other half who had the worst time keeping known to man, but nothing worth reading and sharing. I began a blog when I was 26, May 2012 it was, I wanted to talk of the life as a single mother on the dating scene looking for love. It should have been wrote in more but pulling back snippets I can still paint a picture. It is still an interesting read.

Now my man is in prison, writing is something that helps me now too. I remember the first day he went, that very first evening I started a letter to him. I emailed alot, it has died down now as we can talk on the phone and see each other more. Today I received 3 letters from him, it really must help him too. He really does love me, writing is his therapy too.

26th May 2012 I wrote :-

I am a 26 year old single mum,  who has been separated from my daughters father for well over a year. I intend to get my whole life story written about in this blog, whilst letting it flow, making it an interesting read and enjoyable to write. There will be no holding back, somethings I write about I have regretted, been embarrassed about but then others have moulded me into who I am today. This blog is 100% secret, therefore allowing me to talk about personal and even intimate encounters without holding anything back.

I have always been an over thinker, always will be. The mind constantly analysing every situation imaginable and if something doesn’t go my way Lord help me.  It does not switch off, which brings me to this. Why I am here, why I decided to write this ,  and why I need to do it for my own sanity.

…… Heartbroken…….

When I look at the situation and summarise, I think “what the hell woman” …. heartbroken over a man (if you can call a 23 year old a man) who I saw a total of 11 times, YES 11 times. Its ridiculous isn’t it!? This needs an explanation.

I met golfer on a dating website. Ironically I was feeling down about another man who also left me disappointed and deflated. Nothing compared to this though, he was easy to move on from, this is proving very difficult. I first messaged golfer (yes I made the first contact) on the 6th February , we talked all day everyday for weeks and weeks. He was amazed I messaged him first, he even gave him self the label “lucky”. If I am honest his keenness at the start concerned me, I was not sure I wanted a boyfriend, a holiday with the girls was being planned, my close friends were all single. I have just been so used to my life as a single woman. I decided to go with it and saw no harm in dating and having some fun. I know why Chris is different, how he got me wrapped around his finger, he wasn’t all about sex. He never even mentioned it, in fact it was me who prompted our first time which wasn’t until date four, this is completely unusual for me. Especially my experience of the men on plenty of fish. The last time that I remember things being great between us was Good Friday. I went to his in the evening, he lives at home, so meeting the parents was necessary. Everything was great, he gave me a teddy bear wrapped up which included an Easter egg, he was very affectionate making me fall for him even more. Inviting me to his even included the suggestion of eating dinner with his parents. Alarm bells… this is serious.

I was so wrong!

Since then his texts were short, non interested, with no real urgency to see me. Not like previous weeks, I put it down to me possibly over analysing as I really liked him but I knew deep down something was not right. I did not want the “where is this going” conversation, fear of rejection or commitment not quite sure. I just put up with the horrible feeling for 5 weeks, in those 5 weeks I saw him once. He still text me daily but I just knew it was not the same. Eventually I decided enough was enough, I asked him if he had lost interest in me. It took him half a day to respond with a simple “I haven’t Ive been busy” text. Which I felt did not deserve a reply after I had spent the morning in complete tears, completely baffled as to why he did not feel a text explaining how he had made me feel rubbish deserved a quicker if not more a convincing response. Followed from that text was a weekend of no contact, nothing at all… the first time in 3 months we went without a day texting. It was horrible. After me confronting him again saying clearly you have lost interest , blocking him on facebook and twitter, and then deleting his number, we went nearly a week without talking. I missed him so much, the thought of never seeing him again pulled at my heart, tears were randomly spontaneous and more than anything I was just so confused. No explanation just something so great ended for no reason at all. This left me to make a very stupid judgement on someone (that’s for another time) and having sex with this person. I went to the bathroom afterwards and sobbed, all I wanted was to be in that hotel room with golfer, laying naked in his arms cuddling, kissing and laughing. But I wasn’t I was with a hideous man in a hideous situation. Driving home the next day I decided I had to talk to him again, I called my network provider and got his number back (yes it got that dramatic). I was over the moon when we had a conversation. I was drunk and I was excited about the prospect of seeing him once a week with ‘no emotional attachment’. Did not really think of the realisation of those words until the next day. Why does he not what ’emotional attachment’? What the hell changed?! For someone who made so much effort and genuinely enjoyed my company why would he not want something more? All I knew is this way he was still in my life, I knew it would most probably end in disaster, me more hurt than ever but still that happy thought of contact with him was far too appealing than being honest and have him walk away. This was last weekend. Since then he text me first for a few days asking me how my day was, we ended up having sex text (my power) on one of those days, a pointless conversation on another and our last conversation was when he questioned my parenting skills…. and after him saying he was joking, I have heard nothing from him since Thursday..

Why oh why am i still so hung up on him. I remember the man I knew for the first two months, the sweet kind caring made me laugh man. Who took me out and would text me saying “hurry up” when I was on my way to see him, instead I am lumped with a chump who sounds pretty miserable most of the time, had absolutely no right to even mention my parenting skills, and has not complimented me in weeks. I just cannot get the old one out of my head, I remember dates with him and my heart aches. I just want that back, I miss my “good morning gorgeous” texts. I just want to rewind to a day he was sitting on this sofa with me and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. I figured as I text him last on Thursday he should text me… he hasn’t. Its Sunday evening. I am lonely. I am now awaiting a response to my “how was your weekend” text. Despite being so strong all weekend, despite my head telling me this is the best thing to cut all ties, each day will get easier… my heart overpowered my head….

….. oh god what have I done?!?!

26th November 2014

Reading this present day does not shock me, the male involved shocks me but the emotions I felt do not. Forgetting my current boyfriend, and tequila who I spoke of in last post there has been other men who have made me feel like this since this post in 2012. Why do us women let it get like this? He was no way perfect?! We did by no way at all suit. I latched on to a man who showed me a different interest, and that is all there is to it. He wasn’t sexy, he wasn’t cool, comparing him to who I am with now think he’s Prince William and hubby 50 Cent.

AND he had a small penis. GOD!

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Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!

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No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

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Learn from your mistakes…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I did it… I made a mistake. The alcohol got the better of me and all the bad thoughts I have been thinking of this week made me crazy. I felt sick this morning, so angry with myself. Why? What the hell went through my head. I made a decision and I made the wrong one. I knew I shouldn’t have drank. Wish I could re-wind time. I messed up. Ruined it all. I wanted to tell him, thinking he would understand. I know I couldn’t tell him because it would kill him. I’ve been so lonely, scared of the amount of time apart, scared of what could happen when he does come out. Scared, angry, lonely and all I want to scream at him is ‘this is all your fault.’ He is selfish, selfish for ending up in there and it effecting me too. I did not ask for this. I am the innocent one here yet it is a punishment that does affect the innocent too.

On reflection I calmed down. It isn’t something I can change, and me and my ‘friend’ will continue as normal like nothing happened.  I think sometimes we have to make such mistakes to remind ourselves how it makes us feel. I don’t want anyone else, I want him… and he’s not here.  If everything was perfect, it would never have happened. If he had treated me continually with respect, if we had never fought where we bruised each other, if he hadn’t of disrespected me with other girls it would be different. The fact he received oral sex from another girl at the start of our relationship still plays on my mind alot. The conversations he had with other girls previously that I saw all over his phone literally killed me. I gave him a second chance yes but it still happened. I had been nothing but loyal. It even hurts to know he had one night stand the night after he met me and it was that girl he went back to whilst we were ‘happy’. He held his hands up and told me it went no further than oral because I came into his head. I threatened to ask the girl the truth and he swore down that was the case. In reality I don’t know this but I believed him.  I think about how things would be if it was me in there. If he was the one who was free to make choices on the outside. Would I trust him?! Would I hell as like trust him. Given half the chance and if there was a half decent female screw, I think he would even do that. His sex drive is far too high to turn anyone down and go 12 months without sex. For me it isn’t the sex that’s the easy bit to turn down. It’s being touched. Feeling a body next to mine. Feeling a mans touch on my bare skin.  Last night showed me more so that no one elses touch would be like his. No other man would compare with the way he is, the way he looks. To me he is the most beautiful man in the world and I wish he was here. I wish so very much he was here.

I am not condoning what I have done at all, it was wrong we should never have kissed but I am not going to let it eat me up enough so I feel like I am not a good person. I am a good person, I just make the wrong choices some times. On Wednesday when I go to see him I will put it out there that if he EVER disrespects me or if he continues to behave like he was in my previous post then I will be gone. I just cannot continue the same life we had previously. He needs to grow up. He needs to be a man. I have a lot of thinking to do as well, will I go 12 months without sex? Will I get weaker? I need to not drink and not put myself in a situation where sex could be possible. I just hate all this!!!