Tag: single

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

ONE WEEK TO GO!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I go from wanting her here like ASAP to being ok about there still being time left. I am getting the odd tightenings but nothing major still.

I went for breakfast this morning with two other pregnant women, we spoke about men and their dealings with pregnant women. On a whole yes they are rubbish, they don’t get it.. they continue their care free life of going out and getting drunk whilst us women have to be a mother as soon as we get that positive pregnancy test. It is hard work. I found my self almost blaming myself for not handling this right. Justifying all his actions, my screaming and shouting maybe made him behave the way he has. I found an old diary I had my made when I was pregnant with my first and it was pretty similar. I don’t do pregnant well and unless I want who doesn’t have a life then this is never going to work. There is a happy medium though right?

After last night I thought we had it sorted. We don’t. We really don’t. As he held me in his arms and asked if he could stay over the following night, telling me I have nothing to worry about, how he’s handled all this wrong and I’m going to see such a difference when the baby is here. He also told me he’ll cook for me and spend the afternoon together the following day. I told him ‘we’ll see’ to the staying over but agreed to being cooked for.

I knew his timing of midday was never going to materialise. I also assumed he was never going to cook for me. I called him at half 1 and was cool and cheery. Explained I would cook and asked if it was ok if he bought some grated cheese with him. He replied saying ‘probably not, I’ll just forget’ … I just laughed and said oh ok I’ll get it. At 10 to 6 I called to find out when he was coming and he answered saying babe let me call you back, again I bit my tongue and accepted it. 6:30 I called back as still no return call. He explained he would be with me at 8:30… again I was pleasant and didn’t react. Often I’ve reacted in the past and it does nothing other than get me so wound up I could burst. Well it’s now midnight and not so much of a text. When will I fucking learn??? I don’t even get angry anymore… I just feel hurt. Hurt and ashamed. So thankful this nightmare is almost over, I honestly don’t think he realises what he has done. He talks about all this love he has for me, but lets face it what bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. You don’t treat someone you love like this. The only person he loves is himself.

This kind of thing has happened on a weekly basis. One would just assume he was cheating on me, he is so convincing when I ask him. I have no reason to doubt him since I know his lifestyle.

Please give me that strength to not say things like ‘I miss you’… because what the hell do I miss? …. I should not say ‘I love you too’…. he is not worthy of my love. He doesn’t deserve this child I am carrying and when he finally wakes up and realises this I hope his heart breaks just as much as mine has. He says I did that when he was inside, BUT this kind of behaviour went on long before he even went to prison. He’s been like this since day 1. Why the fuck did I ever stand by him??

You live and learn and at least I get another gorgeous little baby girl ❤

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

8 days to go!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

After my post last night I felt quite strong, I had laid it all out and felt positive I could get through it no matter the outcome. Then I wake up…. I try call him around 10am and no answer so instantly I feel shit again. I want to send him a message just going mad but I just need to realise that that doesn’t get me anywhere. I knew he’d be sleeping but it still gets to me as i’m thinking ‘what if I was in labour.’ My friend said I do need to chill, and I agree. When he finally got back to me about 12:30 you could tell he was expecting a reaction from me, but I didn’t give it… I was calm.

This evening we spoke abit before we went to the cinema, he’s assured me that all the wild crazy thoughts of what he gets up to is just that. Crazy and wild. My fear of him returning to prison has made me into someone he rather not be around and his thoughts of me with someone else has made him want to hurt me the way he felt hurt. It’s all been a mess.

Anyway obviously I understand that this can all be words. I’m under no illusion that he may still continue like this when she’s here but I have to just see what happens. My focus is and still will be me and my girls. Although I am gagging for a night out , a bit of party therapy may stop me from being so bitter about other people being able to drink haha.

Feet feel swollen tonight… having a few tightening’s and lower cramps but I’m not getting my hopes up. Still full of a cold, Doctor told me it would be cleared up by weekend. Well Doc ….. its still here!! MEH!!

I found my old Slimming World book today during some more nesting as they call it. Basically my waist when Courtney was 6 weeks old is the same size it is now at 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe how different this pregnancy has been. I’m excited for her to be here and for the weight loss challenge.

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

The unreasonable man..

Posted on by KerryLouise

After studying law and hearing the reference to the reasonable man on many many occasions I am left wondering if this man really exists. My man is not reasonable, he is even that unreasonable he does not even know himself what he expects of me to acommodate his unreasonableness.

Let me explain…. so he’s been on nights this past week and it does work quite well. I’m not wondering where he is every evening, wondering what time he’s going to come in and wake me up, constantly being let down on a time, whilst I wait to go to bed. It will work well too when the baby is here, it always did when I had my first with my ex anyway.

Yesterday all hell break lose because at approximately 5pm I shouted something in the bedroom, baring in mind he was moaning about the workmen outside anyway so had already been disturbed. I immediately apoligised and left him alone. I then had to endure about 15 minutes of his poor attitude. Muttering how I was weird, how I was selfish… oh and not to mention how he should just go to his nans because at least he’d be able to sleep there. He’s kissing his teeth, saying I’m so strange, theres nothing to eat and just all sorts of stuff I just feel so unapprecaited and like a worthless piece of shit at this point. I’ve got better at not reacting but I do find I have to let my emotions out somehow so I cry. I then hear how ‘here we go again’, ‘always fucking crying’, ‘stessing out my daughter’, ‘crocodile tears’… eventually I do snap… breaking point. I attack. I get violent, it’s wrong and I know this but he pushes me sooooo far I just cannot cope with his words anymore. His silence would be ok, but he just continues… keeps pushing me and pushing me with his vile words and I just sit there and expected to take it all?

So of course after I’ve hit him, then I’m the bad one, I have a problem, I bring this all on my self. I’m vile and posion. How he can’t wait to watch me fail on my own as a single mum, and some other stuff that I just HAVE to try block out. He does slap me back, and he does get on top of me and holds me tight so I can’t hit out anymore. The same time his face so close to mine whilst he continues to scream heart breaking things in my face.

He won’t let me leave, he snatches my phone to call his mum and my God the lies and his ‘side of the story’ is far different to the events that had just occured. Apparently all he said was ‘babe that was a bit selfish’ and I flipped, then apparently after I flipped he held my hand and told me to calm down. HA fucking HA!! Its worrying because he genuinely believes his own lies and his version of events. Drives me even more insane. Telling his mum how I beg him to come here, how I’m moaning I am lonely without him. Must be someone else because that certainly is not me.

After he didn’t accept my apoligy he told me it was because I didnt mean it. I also made a point that he hadn’t sleep that late all week, he told me thats irrelevant and I shouldn’t be justifying that for shouting. I also reminded him how many times he has in the past 7 months, woke me up, allowed me not to sleep due to me not knowing where he is, and came in at 2/3/4/5 even 6 o clock in the morning. ‘That’s been the weekend’ he screams, I work fucking weekends so that makes no odds to me and equally it hasn’t only been the weekend. One wednesday night which is still very memorable  and I had an exam the next day!!!! His selfishness is so unreal, all because I shouted a few lines at 5pm on Tuesday evening.

Before he went to work he tried to kiss me and then questioned whilst I was being distant. If that isn’t bipolar I don’t know what is. I then send him a text telling him to go to his nan’s after work in the mornin. How I wasn’t anyones pity girlfriend,I also explained about the numerous times he hasn’t thought of me when rocking up at what ever time o’clock in the morning.

What a surprise, he didn’t listen. He was here at 6:40am kissing my face, touching my bump, telling me he loves me and to sleep some more. I slept in this morning, 10:20 I woke and quietly informed him I was off out at about 11:30. Told him to sleep well.

THEN…. I get ‘oh great you’re out again’, ‘I never see you’, ‘I work all week and you just go out all the time.’ This isn’t the first time he’s said stuff like this… He’s once moaned because I worked saturdays and realistically that’s the best day he can spend with me. He brings up on numerous occasisons how he’s tried to make plans with me but I’m ‘too tired.’ In my defence he’s asked about 4 times and I was tired as I have worked all day and I am fucking pregant. He does not let me live that down though, so it’s my own fault why we never do anything together. Does he think of me when he’s in the nightclub all night?!? Does he fuck! So I am not about to feel bad when I am doing things in the school holidays with my daughter when he’s meant to be sleeping anyway!!!

The joke is he even then tells me he’ll be up the same time as yesterday, oh God! So I tell him I’ll be back then so we can spend some time together before he goes to work. Surely someone working nights that is normal. I think he expects me to just sit in the flat all day until he wakes. Make him food for when he wakes, shower him and wash all his clothes too. For him to then just go out anyway!!

I was later coming back from my mums then I thought I would be but he wasn’t in. He then tells me on the phone he’ll be back at 9pm (he’s picked up for work at 9:30) so I am left wondering what his little hissy fit was about earlier. He’s either proving a stupid point or he honestly just moans at me for the sake of moaning.

From where I see it, he wants everything on his terms. He wants a wifey, a woman with no life, one that’s always around. Where he’s the priority and he wants me around when he’s free but when smoking and drinking and everything else is an option thats when he isn’t interested. I must try not to react. I’ve told him enough times I don’t want a life like this. He has insecurities about me leaving him in the future but he certainly isn’t going the right way around for that to not happen. Times like this I actually daydream about a man who appreciates me, a man who does little gestures to show me he cares, going back to dating and getting those butterflies. Not this constant anxious feeling of hate and resent because I’m treated like a burden on someones life. He’s missed his lift for work like 4 times out of 7, I’m then the mug he relies on to take him. I’ve also taken him money on two occasions because he’s forgotten it. He wants a mother as well as a wife, that just is not me!

Fuckin hell its 9pm and he’s here ……

Posted in Uncategorized

Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Trust No One!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

If it’s not me having drama with men it’s the close people around me I swear. I have no faith in humanity anymore, none at all. It was very little before now but now it has gone completely.

Not only have I had to deal with some anger I have towards an ex best friend who was at the hands of an evil man suffering serious domestic violence but I have also learnt some news this evening that has shocked me. In fact shocked is an understatement, I don’t even know how to describe it. The ex best friend story can wait she’s irrelevant right now, my sister is priority.

It’s 5 minutes to midnight and I am waiting for my sister to come round and see me. She has tonight found out her boyfriend of 5 years has been seeing another girl. They have a 4 year old daughter and a mortgage on a house in which she plays complete wifey in. All I’ve had from my sister is that she saw his phone, she went through it and the girl is Russian, sends dirty pictures and he’s been buying her presents. I am livid… so livid! What an absolute coward of a man to blame the fact that they don’t have sex on this disgusting infidelity!

She’s making me feel anxious, I don’t know where she is.

OK she’s here!!

 

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Happy F’ing Friday!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Who knew that within a space of 48 hours I can go from shouting at the mother in law to actually crying to her and wanting her advice. Today he had his same miserable grumpy head on and his vileness just made me completely snap. Lets not forget he completely let me down last night and it actually had to take an argument for him to admit and see where he went wrong. His attitude is just disgusting, he thinks its no big deal yet fails to see how he reacts to a lot worse than that in terms of ‘feeling unloved.’ Once again we end up in a slagging match and I hear the same rubbish like how he’s cutting me off. All I do is give him stress and he’s sick of it, and it’s all me me me. Eventually he calms down and the same discussions occur regarding when he is coming back, at 3pm he says ‘I’m having some food and I am getting on the bus… is that ok with you?’ In his cocky arrogant tone. Well that didn’t happen and I warned him if he wasn’t back by 7pm I didn’t want to see him tonight. I call him back at 5pm and he still ‘doesn’t know’ and instead of just being nice and pleasant he informs me he’s not in a good mood because he’s had an arguement with his mum so doesn’t want to talk right now.

Tell me.. please… what woman would accept that in a relationship? How dare he take his bad mood out on me. He continues by saying… I give him stress, his mum does and so does his dad because I can’t keep my mouth shit. So once again…. It’s my fault!! That’s it then it completely explodes, he’s shouting, he’s kissing his teeth, he’s telling me this that and all sorts. I then use other words to get him back and maybe I went a bit far by admitting that I’m missing an ex but it’s exactly how I feel. I am sick to the back teeth of his attitude towards me. How dare he imply that my flat isn’t good enough for his daughter, how apparently he’s going to get a house and she’ll get her own room and he’ll be with someone else and I will hate it. I mean seriously!! He loves to try and tell me how he could easily get someone else, and that I’m getting old. This is all his paranoia talking, he’s so sure I’m going to end up leaving him. I wouldn’t even consider it if he wasn’t such an asshole.

I’m then being shouted at, being called a snake, being told I’m a tramp and I mean nothing to him and how there is not going back from this. He cut the call with his usual line of ‘get off my line man’… usually I would be beside myself and keep calling him back but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. The only person I could turn too right now was his mum.

It was actually a really good phone call. I felt so much better and believe it or not she was completely on my side. She had told me she has seen a different side to him and that week he had been there was like hell, so she can obviously appreciate how I have felt for the past 7 months.

I started the phone call by crying and apologising and saying I didn’t know who to turn too but I am just so sick of his attitude and his anger. I finished my opening line saying I genuinely think he is unwell… and she agreed. Phew! The conversation was going to go the way I intended. It was always going to be a risk calling her, she was either going to think that it was all in my head and I was the problem or she would see it from my side and thankfully it was the latter. She told me she could see her ex husband in him (not his dad) the irrational behaviour, the shouting, the short temper. She advised that I needed to cut him off, it was the only way he would learn. Told me to put myself first and yes it is hard as she has been there but he needs to learn the harder way and make decisions himself. All this is not normal behaviour, I have suspected for a while now that he has a cannabis problem and his mum has said the same. He needs that to stop and I need to be strong and not be around him until it does stop.

I am weak, I admit that, when it comes to him I am weak!! I called him about 3 and half hours after the row. He wouldn’t be used to that as he’d be so used to me constantly trying to ring so I knew I’d get a different reception. ‘Hi darling’ … didn’t imagine a greeting as nice as that but I think it only shows exactly his bipolar behaviour. I found my self at times telling him to calm down, telling him to not over-react, trying to play nice because I just do not want to end this call on a negative. He contradicts himself all the time because he will bring up things I’ve said, then I’ll say how he’s said worse and then blame me for bringing up things from the past when we drew a line under it on Wednesday. Sometimes there is just no educating people like that… he’ll accuse me of things he’s doing the same if not worse.

After much tit for tat, he promised he’d be back to night. Thing is I don’t care if he doesn’t but I want to be the one to say ‘no don’t bother’. I don’t want to be hearing him say ‘I need space’… like wtf you’ve had a week and its you who is the problem not me. I want a man who wants to be making it up to me not distancing himself because he thinks I’m the problem. His phone is dead again now and honestly not holding out on much hope he’ll end up back tonight. He spoke about the cannabis and he said how I just need to watch because when the baby comes he won’t go anywhere near it. How he’s going to be so overwhelmed and overjoyed that cannabis withdrawal won’t affect him at all. Compared himself to my ex, as I have often said he changed completely when my eldest daughter came. Slight difference though…. he was never addicted to a drug. Dominic needs a professional to help him, he thinks he isn’t addicted…. HE IS! He goes from saying whats the point in him trying with me to him saying ‘ok what if I cut down the weed smoking’ and blaming it on mixing alcohol with the drug. He does listen when I tell him straight that it’s the daily use that’s the problem but he always does. Doesn’t mean he stops. I honestly think he’s a confused boy who is addicted to this awful drug. His brother is in a mental hospital due to cannabis abuse…. surely this should be enough?

According to the phone call his train should be pulling in now, besides the time he spent in jail I’ve had 2 and half years of hearing promises about times and when he’s coming and the truth is he has no fucking idea how to keep a promise. So you tend to just stop expecting anything. That’s sad really sad, if I can’t rely on my own boyfriend whilst I’m pregnant with his child then where the hell does that leave us?!

I need to be much stronger though his mum is right. I probably made a mistake by calling him but I must make a promise to myself and to this blog now. If he does not show tonight then that is it… I won’t be returning his calls, I won’t be replying to his texts or even answering his calls. He will learn the hard way, he can understand what it feels like to have a partner who isn’t contactable.

Lord give me strength to do this!

 

 

 

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3am Lasagne

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s 3:30am and I am wide awake because I feel so angry. This is why I care less, it just makes this bullshit easier to cope with and then as soon as I let my guard down slightly I get fucked over once again!

Dominic totally over-reacted earlier because I didn’t want to facetime, he’s still in London as he has been all week and he goes into self-pity mode which is ‘why do I bother’, ‘you wonder why I’m not nice’ and ‘you just throw it in mans face.’ Like seriously?? Because I didn’t want to facetime???

It then got worse he asked me for his facebook log on and OK maybe I delayed my response on purpose slightly but I was on the school run and I did think ‘no fuck him he can wait.’ The amount of times I’ve had to wait on him it wouldn’t hurt him to wait just a few fucking minutes. The truth is he cannot deal with things that do not go his way. I was called tapped, he told me that I won’t be the one laughing and even said how when his daughter asks why he’s not with mummy he will tell her that its because I don’t do anything for him. When I told him to stop texting me as it was upsetting me too much he just replies with ‘Stress can cause deformity’. It can’t… but even the fact he can say that to me and has said it to me numerous times you have to question what type of person he is. Emotional abuse and yet the only one to ever cause me any stress…. is him!! I don’t think he’s well, what normal rational person would behave like this over facetime and an email address like really?? I then just called him because all this texting was stupid and as normal it was just back and forwards words on who can hurt each other more, even though I must say this time I just took it well as much as I could tolerate.

We were then on the phone for way over an hour, some of it was ok but alot of it was just more stress. Bought up how he doesn’t feel like I want a future with him, how he hasn’t even touched me in 2 weeks (baring in mind he’s been away a week and the week before I told him I wasn’t going to have sex with someone who talks to me so badly). He also said how it’s just boring between us these days and we don’t laugh together anymore. When will he accept responsibility for this??? When will he realise thats words like that do not help the situation and equally take note, I’m fucking pregnant and when his idea of fun is going out and getting wasted that doesn’t leave me much choice but to be ‘boring’. There was some other bullshit but it just goes round in circles and it’s pretty pathetic and in all honesty it just shows me how unstable he is. His need for love and affection is crazy, he says all this one day but the day before he can say the complete opposite. I’ve told him he should speak to a professional as he has been through a bloody lot but seriously I question how much more can I take.

The conversation did end on a plus and he was planning to come back tonight. I called him at 10pm and said ‘I can’t wait to see you’ , sometimes you have to just sweet talk these type of people, I know it keeps him sweet. It was a genuine feeling though. His battery was about to die (shock) and he said to send the train times to his sister. I wake up at 1:57am and try and call him … phone dead (no surprise) and he’s obviously not here. Annoyingly though he had text me at 2am from his sisters phone but because I put my phone down and tried to go back to sleep I did not realise until 2:50am.

“babe I didn’t make it but I’m getting a lift home ok love you so much. Ps: Don’t eat the lasagne. Sweet Dreams”

Well no shit sherlock obviously I know you didn’t ‘make it’, but why?? Why am I not his priority? Why leave it till 2 fucking AM to send me a text that quite frankly shows I am just a second thought! See now I am writing this I’m wondering if I am over-reacting, at least he text (theres been a million and one times where I havent even got that), but my point is….. I haven’t seen him for a week. What could have possibly been his reasoning for ‘not making it’ and I tell him like a fucking fool how I couldn’t wait to see him. He moans at me for throwing his kindness back in his face… what has he just done to me?!?!

Well his lasagne can go in the bin, notice how I don’t get a time on tomorrow either and knowing him it’ll be late. So much for him wanting to spending the whole weekend with me. I’m working saturday so he can stay there…. I’m not being disturbed again tomorrow night. He disturbs me being here, disturbs me when he’s meant to be here and isn’t and I am much better off just not expecting him and just having him not around me at all. Then he gets all emotional when I say I’m not missing him…. why would I miss someone who does this?? I’m used to being on my own and I much rather be on my own with no stress. I don’t stress as there is no wondering where he is or what time he’s going to show up. I don’t have to fear what type of mood he’s in and I can watch what ever I want on the TV. Oh and not to mention the whole bed to myself.

4am now and I’m still not tired at all, had some more lasagne before I even wrote this lol… perks of being pregnant right.

Wish I had some chocolate !!

Posted in Uncategorized

And then the princess told the prince ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

imageI woke up feeling really down, I know why and there is only one explanation. Him. I was adamant that this blog wasn’t going to be about my failing relationship but only the positive parts of my life. I came to the conclusion that I don’t need him anyway, if he steps up then great if he doesn’t then I’ll be ok. It’s his loss. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel let down when he does something to make me feel this way though. I get sucked in by him so easily, I guess that’s love…. or just plain stupidity.

When I’m feeling happy the pregnancy feels like it is going so quick, when I am low I just want her here so I can stop feeling so vulnerable and not like myself. Having a relationship isn’t the be all and end all but when you are pregnant and not feeling exactly very confident it is kind of important to have a man by your side. I guess that’s why I forgive so easy, that 30% of the time he has interest is enough to make me feel happy for a while and it helps. But is it worth the disappointment? I don’t get myself in such a state anymore, that I realised just isn’t worth it but it doesn’t mean I don’t get that gut anxious feeling. Just how can he do this? He’s a very very selfish human being there is no two ways about it, it’ll be him who’s crying when I finally leave and he can watch me happy.

Anyway I must not let this ruin my day. Life is too short and I have to stay strong for my two girls.

Posted in Uncategorized

Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!