Tag: cannabisabuse

Posted in Singlemum

What is a Bullet Journal?

Posted on by KerryLouise

When I first was told about this concept I took one look at it and thought WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL. However that was when the link just took me to pages and pages of codes and words that I didn’t quite understand!

That was until I found Pinterest. Wow! The idea of all those pretty colours and clear (almmost) organisation got me hooked.

I’ve had a paper diary for as long as I can remember. If I don’t write things down I will forget. I have a day to page one now for work, which is super shiny and fabulous and from paperchase (of course).I’ve always got a notepad on the go too. I love stationary! I am very very visual and when I’ve tried to be organised in the past or got a holiday countdown and want to track my fitness. I get addicted to draw graphs and plans. My notebooks end up being just a big mess of scribbles and I lose the pages I wish to keep for ‘blog ideas’ or ‘quotes I like’ or ‘ideas for my book.’ The ideas for my book is a biggy, I often get hit with triggers regarding the abuse I have been a victim too and its like a light goes in my head and I am like ‘oh yeh.’

So for me the bullet journal idea is fab!

I could use it for work but to be honest for what I do I need a proper diary so that is staying, plus it was expensive and a Christmas present. Some people use it for work and personal but I’m sticking to just personal.

I even FaceTimed my equally enthused bullet journal sister and we spent an hour sorting our first pages out together. It was comforting and fun.

I decided I needed to go straight in and start, over thinking it would put me off another week (as it did my sister) and so be it if I go wrong. It adds character right! Like how I got all confused and put that November had 31 days so now December is all wrong, but hey ho.

I bought a notebook that has dots and page numbers already noted. It has an index page too. The dots are great for drawing lines.

It is lacking colour at the moment but I want some colouring pencils to help with that.

The beauty is it doesn’t matter if there’s no order because it’s meant to be random. It’s meant to be unique. I’m excited to use it more and really get in control of my life.

I’m sure I’ll add to it and change it as well which is fine. I plan to be super organised now and waste less time. I WASTE FAR TOO MUCH!

It’s going to help with my book writing, my studying and my half marathon training. I also plan to get more bloody sleep and eat much much better.

2018 Goals – TO BE THE BEST VERSION OF ME

Watch this space. Anyone got any bullet journal blogs?

Would love to read xx

Posted in DomesticAbuse

On reflection

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today was my last working day of the year. I am so thankful for the amazing business I am part of. The director is open and honest in the fact she believes she has a great team and 2018 will be an amazing year for all of us. I am lucky that they know what I have been through and are fully supportive. We even spoke of donating to a charity for next year and it well could be the charity/not for profit that I have in the pipeline.

I am looking forward to seeing the back of this year. I’m still so affected by his toxic behaviours. I still wish to talk to him, to shout and scream and him and his family! Normalising his disgusting behaviour! His sister has no chance in finding a decent man! No surprises that he didn’t follow up his requests to pass on xmas presents or a visit. All that anxiety and stress for no reason. Sounds exactly like him!

Talking to M too much. It’s dangerous. There’s love there and he’s admitted that too. It’s NEVER going to go anywhere and well definitely not until 2020! Tonight he’s in a mood, it’s over something really silly and my initial thought was ‘ok it’s my fault.’ Then my boundaries come into play and I realise that no he’s in a strop, he started it and that the way he ended the call isn’t acceptable. Now don’t get me wrong it is NO WHERE near ANYTHING like my ex abuser was but I still have no time for dolls being thrown out of prams. So when he next calls me I won’t answer, well I’ll try not too. He can’t tell me I’m acting like a bit of bacon and not expect to be called a pig repeatedly. Ok we’re children, yes actual children lol. Fuck sakes!

I have big plans for 2018! 100% health and fitness is going to get smashed! My sales targets are going to be doubled! My book is going to be completed and I am going to keep empowering myself and hopefully other women along the way!

Bring it on mutha fuckers!!!

Ok he called me .. and I answered! His strop lasted all of an hour! My boundaries are a work in process!

Damn!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

This time last year

Posted on by KerryLouise

Really bad week this week, like a weird crazy emotion in my head. I keep imagining being hit by a man, a different man to my ex. I imagine and feel how that would feel, then I remember the times I was hit for real. The most recent time was one of the worst, hit so hard I dropped a little as my knees sunk. I engage in conversation with a man and half expect him to turn round and call me a fucking dickhead for any reason. Il

This time last year was truly awful. I was being cheated on constant, could never say anything right, tip toeing around him like I was so desperate for him to not kick off and leave me again. He would attack me repeatedly until I snapped. The states I got into were truly horrifying, he was miserable most of the time and when I even mentioned that I was buying his Christmas present he actually laughed down the phone and called me a liar. I felt so happy that I was in a relationship and buying my man a present but his reaction was absolutely heartbreaking and unnecessary. How pathetic I was!

I remember going to Bicester shopping for the day, the whole day he was in a foul mood and he kicked off at me for acting weird or something like that. He loved to tell me I was embarrassing him or making a scene but the only person ever making a scene was him. I was trying to buy him a hat and scarf set on the sly but since he verbally attacked me and completely belittled me it didn’t happen. Once we got back to Northampton and I was explaining what I was doing he mocked me some more and laughed in my face and told me lying wasn’t a good thing. It went on for about 20 minutes, I had made plans to meet my friend but he ordered me to take him to pick ‘something up’, trying to explain to him that I was late anyway and so I would drop him off wasn’t going down too well. He stayed in the car for a further 10 minutes explaining that I needed to wait for him, he wasn’t taking no for an answer, wouldn’t let me drive off. When he finally got out the car I had to go, he threw his whole coffee at my car. Later, it was me then apologising to him. He was just so so nasty. There are so many more scenarios like this just going round and round my head. When will it stop? When will I stop thinking about it all.

This is all because he’s asked for contact. I feel so fucking angry, no you can’t see your daughter. How dare you! When you’ve done all you’ve done, rather be dealing drugs and in another girls bed than being with your daughter. You deliberately wanted to destroy me and carried on destroying me when you should have been with your daughter. Chose another girl over me , three times! When just a few hours prior to this was telling me we were your world. I hear the words he spoke constantly in my head, one most recently when I suspected he had someone else which of course he point blank refused he told me he only went elsewhere before because I was too fat for him! God he’s so fucking vile.

‘I hate you’ ‘you make me sick’ ‘you will never be more than just a beat’ ‘slag’ . I need these words to stop! I want to talk to him! I want to say so much! I need help.

I just told M that if he never went to jail I would have left him long time ago. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t. I remember having the conversation with my friend (who my ex hated me being friends with and now I’m not). She said if he was out you’d go see him and I agreed. I would have. I cried on the phone call, he told me I am strong. Even that reminds me of the narcissistic ex. Praising me for being so strong, telling me he doesn’t know how I coped with a new baby and knowing he wasn’t coming home. EVERYTHING is stuck there in my head I need help. If it wasn’t for my girls I would rather not be here, rather not deal with all this, rather not try and heal. Just not be here would be good!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What is wrong with people?

Posted on by KerryLouise

So on Monday I’m presenting on the importance of boundaries yet I still have to question where the hell mine are!

I bought myself an iPad today, my mum put towards it and I’ve done the right thing. Not opened it up yet. I got my girls some matching Christmas pyjamas today too and that’s as far as I got with my Christmas shopping. I’ve had a good day, I put on a great front. No one would know that at 5am this morning I was struggling to sleep.

As I only got my WhatsApp back today (well early hours this morning) I had a message from a number I had not saved. It was the dude I met out last Saturday night. He asked when he was going to see me again. His WhatsApp status mentioned a wife. So I asked him out right and yes he’s married ! Apparently she knows what he gets up too. He’s a decent human, a CEO of a business but not content with his wife and boy. I’m not disappointed about it, it was never going to go anywhere. Surprised he even text but it just makes me think! I find it hard to believe any woman would be ‘ok’ with it. I believe many know their men stray but shut up. Especially if they are reliant on the mans money, how awful. I guess in one sense at least he was honest with me, he hasn’t done what my ex has done, lied about his other life and tried to manipulate me so I fall for him. He’s been completely upfront and that is what separates a man like him to a man like my ex. His wife would always come first, and his son… I am just a bit on the side. That isn’t what I need right now at all! He finished the conversation by saying ‘I guess I won’t be seeing you again then’ … hmmm probably not pal, probably not!

The conversation with the young one did die but today I noticed he had added a new pic on his tinder. Ok hands up I had done it before him but still, gosh the amount of bullshit he was chatting. He served me a purpose and that is ok but when will men STOP CHATTING BULLSHIT! First sign of an abusive relationship, a man acting like you are the best thing to ever walk into his life … red flag. Red flag!

This now brings me to the long term one. The one who was meant to be coming to see me today. As I said he’s been pretty rude for about the last 6 weeks far different to the man I knew at the beginning of the year. He’s been pushing my boundaries and today he has. Told me at 12 that he was waiting to hear from his sister so he knew what time he was going to leave, it’s now nearly 9. Originally when we planned this he said he would leave at 4pm. I need to tell him that it’s too fucking late now.

Yes I ask what is wrong with people! But me being me… I then ask am I just not good enough?

Oh well my cheese board is getting demolished then!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, Mistakes, mother, relationship, relationships, sex, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum, Strength

She set her boundaries and rebuilt her life

Posted on by KerryLouise

A week on Monday I am presenting my presentation on boundaries to a group of fellow networkers. I’ve distanced myself from reading all about narcissism and abuse for a few days. It got too much, and I felt I was reliving too much of the abuse. He’s an abusive man there are no two ways about it I didn’t need to keep finding proof of that.

I’ve been in a better place recently. Like mentioned before realising more and more how a person should be treated by a sexual partner or even a close friend. It’s mad how much I put up with and how much I justified and considered normal.

I’ve been preparing my presentation and the more I am away and out of the abuse I can literally tick the majority of any lists that are about abuse available. Like the Stuff that is considered as emotional abuse and not just awful vile name calling.

• living in your home, and not contributing to the bills (boy yes. Always promised money but withheld it when I did something wrong)

• damaging your property – punching walls/smashing phones (3 holes in my wall and 3 phones)

• serial cheating and then blaming you for doing so (ALWAYS)

• threatening to cheat when sex is denied (he would tell me ‘you think I need your dead sex anyway’)

• cheating to prove that they are more desired than you are & telling you you will never find better (I can picture him now touching his face , saying how handsome he was and how I was old and ‘past it’)

• attempting to control what you wear – YES I have a voice recording of evidence of this

• Sexual coercion !!

~ making you feel like you owe them

~ continue to pressure you after you say no

~ playing on the fact you’re in a relationship – ‘if I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it elsewhere’ and his favourite ‘what a joke, can’t even get sex from my own woman’ oh and ‘you just can’t keep up with me’

~ trying to normalise their sexual expectations ‘I need it, I’m a man’

~ reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree

This was all taken from an American domestic violence website. There were obviously many more abusive traits I just kept ticking off in my head. An abusive man to the very core, and for so so long I didn’t see it! I remember feeling mad with my old health visitor ‘he’s controlling’, she told me! I got my back up, convinced myself he wasn’t as I was allowed to go about my business. But the truth is ALL these things are about control, controlling the way I feel about myself, respect myself, things I do! I could go on, but I have a lot in this blog already.

I’m so excited about my presentation and I have booked in 5 more slots for next year around the East Midlands area. I will talk about these personal boundaries and then also the boundaries business owners should have. With that it links with my work and what my services are whilst networking.

We have court again next week, I feel petrified. I am also worried I won’t have even sorted legal aid in that time due to the fact I am giving up my mortgage. I shall not worry myself, it isn’t something I can change. However what I can remind myself is that I am now in control. I now have boundaries in place. I’ve evidenced that within new relationships (I use the word relationship loosely) but I know what it is to be respected now and what not to put up with. Lack of consideration for my feelings, ignoring blatant questions I have asked, anything verbally abusive, making me feel anyway other than content … then no! He’s got to go!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

It’s not fair

Posted on by KerryLouise

That’s all I’m feeling like this morning. If I still had his number I would call him again and say all this to him! But what’s the point! I had to delete it again yesterday. He’ll listen, agree and say he’s going to change his life around but it’s bullshit. He’s still dealing drugs now and if he really meant this ‘change’ he would of done something about it by now! He’s accepting that I’m single and accepting I’ll meet someone else but he’s still sure he will get me back one day. He is completely mistaken! He’s missing out on so much with his beautiful baby, where everyone was cooing over her at my nans party last night. He’s missed out already on so much. Watching her grow, being here in the mornings when she woke, family days we could of enjoyed that he always promised would happen. Even now with my birthday coming up he’s telling me what we can do for it. Talking to him is fuelling his narcissism with the fake promises and knowing I’m still addicted. It’s been hard though as my baby has been in hospital twice this week and maybe it’s an excuse but I’ve felt like he should know. Then Thursday he was begging and crying about how he felt so ill and needed somewhere warm to stay. He couldn’t stay at his brothers as he was having visitors and didn’t want to go to the trap yard. I wish I didn’t have a heart but I allowed it, he was really sick but he only has himself to blame. Luckily it done me a favour too as all his stuff has now gone! I had already packed it all for him so Friday morning it went. No more ties in that sense. This is good.

He has this warped illusion that he watched our baby loads. Reality vs his illusion are always very different. He caused immense amount of stress from being out all night dealing drugs. He’d be coming in at 12 then it would be 2 then sometimes 6. These times I would barely get any sleep for fear he would fall asleep and not ‘make it’ to use his words for failing to come see ‘babysit’ his daughter. No him, meant no work .. and that was an awful amount of stress to deal with! One Thursday I decided I wouldn’t tell him I had a meeting after work and then I got a puncture. He didn’t care I was stranded he just wanted me home because he had things to do. What a waste of space! He told me whilst I was waiting for help with my car that my behaviour meant he couldn’t look after our baby on the Friday. I showed him! I didn’t go home! I stayed at my nans that night, how dare he threaten my livelihood by using our daughter. He did that loads, I’d have nights out planned and he’d go from promising to be my sitter, to threatening me that he wouldn’t do it anymore, then dangling a carrot in front of me to being hours late. He really was truly hopeless. He made a comment about how much I have to pay for nursery and that is my own doing but he fails to remember the times above and the time I had to drive 70 miles purely for a babysitter because he had a ‘busy day.’ Remember this isn’t a man with a high flying job, this is a man who sells drugs and acts like a tool on the streets. He put that in front of his father duties. That’s the reality of it!

The way he was brought up has to take some of the blame. This man isn’t normal. It’s not that he doesn’t want a family, it’s not that he doesn’t want me either .. he just cannot get out of the shitty life he lives. He’s never in his life had a proper job that has lasted longer than a month, he’s 25! Not having any repercussions of his actions won’t ever change him and to be honest it’s too late now. It’s set in stone! He’s got away with it his whole life. When I was late home for my mum as a teenager my life wasn’t worth living and that’s how you learn boundaries. He continues to get away with it, continues to disrespect everyone he knows. Reading an old blog from when I was pregnant and remembering his mum saying if he doesn’t do the course she had booked him on to she would wipe her hands of him. Did he do it? No course not ! That wasn’t an isolated incident either and yet she still remains his bigger fan.

Still too much of my time is thinking about the shoulda woulda and couldas. I resent him so much for not sharing this time with me. I most probably will never have any more children and he’s ruined my last chance of ever feeling like a ‘proper’ family. I’ve been constantly this year trying to cling on to family moments just for the memories, for the photos, for me and for our baby. Allowing disrespect and not punishing him for his actions because of it. With Christmas coming up I need to NOT try do the same! It’s going to be fucking hard, so fucking hard but he deserves nothing, he deserves no involvement and it’s time to make him pay for the evilness he has brought.

Posted in DomesticAbuse

What a day!!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday I had a down day. If I had his number still I would have rang him. Crazy how I still seek happiness from the very person who has destroyed me! I was super tired though and slept quite well.

Today I’ve had back to back appointments and then bumped into him in the supermarket in the evening!! Omg I wasn’t prepared! Of all the places to bump into a sofa surfer like him .. a bloody supermarket shopping for groceries with his equally as vile mate!

So this morning I had a visit from the domestic abuse team and it was good to talk. As much as I don’t like talk talk talking about it , I like talking to people who are in agreement with me and are knowledgeable about the area. ‘Yes domestic abuse’ and ‘yes that’s control.’ Without that and without my writing and reading I spiral again into wanting him. Missing him too!. Talking with professionals, reading books around the area and my writing is what reinforces in my mind that NO this has not been right and not been right EVER. To just say oh he calls me a slag, takes my house keys and is late home doesn’t really have the same effect unless you go into the full story. He really is a text book abusive man!

I then had a meeting with a life coach. Very interesting, he asked me when was the last time I felt truly happy. I couldn’t answer! I literally don’t know! I’ll speak more of this another day.

The afternoon I had something quite intense and emotionally draining to attend which I rather not go into at the moment maybe in the future when I am ready.

On the way home I pop into Asda to grab some milk, toilet roll, custard and sticky toffee pudding… you know essentials! First I see his mate, he went to smile at me, I looked at him cold. All I could think was ‘omg’ and I’m glad I looked good! Lol. I wanted to just get out the supermarket, then I saw him at the checkouts packing some shopping! Shit!! I got to self service and scanned my 4 items quickly hoping he didn’t see me with my back to him. I add my 5p bag and start packing. Then he’s there!!! ‘No need to jump’ he said. I’m feeling anxious, scared almost… scared of my mind and the manipulation. He’s soft and kind. Asking me when can we talk, what is there to talk about?! Lots he says, I want to say sorry. I tell him that he’s said sorry and ask him what is he sorry for. I want to know, I want to hear him say it. Hear him admit to the abuse he’s done and the trauma he’s caused me. He’s putting his hand on my waist. What is he doing??? He’s in my personal space. He tells me that I’m looking well, ‘I know’ I say. I had to be strong, he asks when can he see baby, asks me to ring him so we can talk, asks what I’m doing weekend. I explain he needs to go through social worker and I’m out all weekend. Gosh he won’t like that, he has no control on that one!!

I’m gutted. Wish it never came to this. Wish it never never got so bad. Blame myself again, maybe if I placed more boundaries or wasn’t so accessible every time he did me wrong. Maybe if we had just had a break, like a proper one. Months maybe years. I need to focus! It’s not my fault, and a man like him won’t ever change!

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Uncategorized

Happy F’ing Friday!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Who knew that within a space of 48 hours I can go from shouting at the mother in law to actually crying to her and wanting her advice. Today he had his same miserable grumpy head on and his vileness just made me completely snap. Lets not forget he completely let me down last night and it actually had to take an argument for him to admit and see where he went wrong. His attitude is just disgusting, he thinks its no big deal yet fails to see how he reacts to a lot worse than that in terms of ‘feeling unloved.’ Once again we end up in a slagging match and I hear the same rubbish like how he’s cutting me off. All I do is give him stress and he’s sick of it, and it’s all me me me. Eventually he calms down and the same discussions occur regarding when he is coming back, at 3pm he says ‘I’m having some food and I am getting on the bus… is that ok with you?’ In his cocky arrogant tone. Well that didn’t happen and I warned him if he wasn’t back by 7pm I didn’t want to see him tonight. I call him back at 5pm and he still ‘doesn’t know’ and instead of just being nice and pleasant he informs me he’s not in a good mood because he’s had an arguement with his mum so doesn’t want to talk right now.

Tell me.. please… what woman would accept that in a relationship? How dare he take his bad mood out on me. He continues by saying… I give him stress, his mum does and so does his dad because I can’t keep my mouth shit. So once again…. It’s my fault!! That’s it then it completely explodes, he’s shouting, he’s kissing his teeth, he’s telling me this that and all sorts. I then use other words to get him back and maybe I went a bit far by admitting that I’m missing an ex but it’s exactly how I feel. I am sick to the back teeth of his attitude towards me. How dare he imply that my flat isn’t good enough for his daughter, how apparently he’s going to get a house and she’ll get her own room and he’ll be with someone else and I will hate it. I mean seriously!! He loves to try and tell me how he could easily get someone else, and that I’m getting old. This is all his paranoia talking, he’s so sure I’m going to end up leaving him. I wouldn’t even consider it if he wasn’t such an asshole.

I’m then being shouted at, being called a snake, being told I’m a tramp and I mean nothing to him and how there is not going back from this. He cut the call with his usual line of ‘get off my line man’… usually I would be beside myself and keep calling him back but I knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere. The only person I could turn too right now was his mum.

It was actually a really good phone call. I felt so much better and believe it or not she was completely on my side. She had told me she has seen a different side to him and that week he had been there was like hell, so she can obviously appreciate how I have felt for the past 7 months.

I started the phone call by crying and apologising and saying I didn’t know who to turn too but I am just so sick of his attitude and his anger. I finished my opening line saying I genuinely think he is unwell… and she agreed. Phew! The conversation was going to go the way I intended. It was always going to be a risk calling her, she was either going to think that it was all in my head and I was the problem or she would see it from my side and thankfully it was the latter. She told me she could see her ex husband in him (not his dad) the irrational behaviour, the shouting, the short temper. She advised that I needed to cut him off, it was the only way he would learn. Told me to put myself first and yes it is hard as she has been there but he needs to learn the harder way and make decisions himself. All this is not normal behaviour, I have suspected for a while now that he has a cannabis problem and his mum has said the same. He needs that to stop and I need to be strong and not be around him until it does stop.

I am weak, I admit that, when it comes to him I am weak!! I called him about 3 and half hours after the row. He wouldn’t be used to that as he’d be so used to me constantly trying to ring so I knew I’d get a different reception. ‘Hi darling’ … didn’t imagine a greeting as nice as that but I think it only shows exactly his bipolar behaviour. I found my self at times telling him to calm down, telling him to not over-react, trying to play nice because I just do not want to end this call on a negative. He contradicts himself all the time because he will bring up things I’ve said, then I’ll say how he’s said worse and then blame me for bringing up things from the past when we drew a line under it on Wednesday. Sometimes there is just no educating people like that… he’ll accuse me of things he’s doing the same if not worse.

After much tit for tat, he promised he’d be back to night. Thing is I don’t care if he doesn’t but I want to be the one to say ‘no don’t bother’. I don’t want to be hearing him say ‘I need space’… like wtf you’ve had a week and its you who is the problem not me. I want a man who wants to be making it up to me not distancing himself because he thinks I’m the problem. His phone is dead again now and honestly not holding out on much hope he’ll end up back tonight. He spoke about the cannabis and he said how I just need to watch because when the baby comes he won’t go anywhere near it. How he’s going to be so overwhelmed and overjoyed that cannabis withdrawal won’t affect him at all. Compared himself to my ex, as I have often said he changed completely when my eldest daughter came. Slight difference though…. he was never addicted to a drug. Dominic needs a professional to help him, he thinks he isn’t addicted…. HE IS! He goes from saying whats the point in him trying with me to him saying ‘ok what if I cut down the weed smoking’ and blaming it on mixing alcohol with the drug. He does listen when I tell him straight that it’s the daily use that’s the problem but he always does. Doesn’t mean he stops. I honestly think he’s a confused boy who is addicted to this awful drug. His brother is in a mental hospital due to cannabis abuse…. surely this should be enough?

According to the phone call his train should be pulling in now, besides the time he spent in jail I’ve had 2 and half years of hearing promises about times and when he’s coming and the truth is he has no fucking idea how to keep a promise. So you tend to just stop expecting anything. That’s sad really sad, if I can’t rely on my own boyfriend whilst I’m pregnant with his child then where the hell does that leave us?!

I need to be much stronger though his mum is right. I probably made a mistake by calling him but I must make a promise to myself and to this blog now. If he does not show tonight then that is it… I won’t be returning his calls, I won’t be replying to his texts or even answering his calls. He will learn the hard way, he can understand what it feels like to have a partner who isn’t contactable.

Lord give me strength to do this!