What ifs ..

Once again I fell asleep in the evening and have woke up feeling meh. I’ve been awake an hour and I’ve just been feeling really negative. So I need to switch that up! The negatives is of course him, and also the thinking of ‘what ifs’. I would never ever wish my daughter away, I literally cannot even describe my love for the 2 baby girls I have sleeping in the room next to me. BUT when you’ve been all through I have it’s hard to not think about how different things could have been. These two do make it all worth it though.

He was literally so disgusting to me pregnant, so so vile. The asshole took all my beautiful experience away from me because he was wrapped up in his own fuckery. I hate him for that. I doubt I will have anymore children and he ruined it! I never ever ever want to be that vulnerable again, that person again. I look back and see me pregnant, see me holding my new baby and I can feel the pain I was feeling. I can still feel it all. How fucking dare he make me feel like that. When I think like that I wish nothing more than him to just disappear forever. I never want to ever see his disgusting self again. EVER!

However my promise to myself in 2018 was to do my “daily glads” especially if I am feeling low….

I am glad for what he put me through as I won’t ever stand for ANYTHING like it ever again.

I am glad that I have my beautiful charming sweet funny baby girl and her amazing kind big sister

I am glad I got to the gym today and operation “be the best version of me” is on

I am glad I got to speak to M even though his battery died, he listens to all my feelings and in fact encourages me to speak

I am glad for POF 😂 – I met M on there and also a new guy I have been speaking too.

I am glad for my job, which with only 2 days in I have hit half my target for the month.

I am glad for the extension uni gave me for my assignments

I am glad for being me- no really I am!

The new guy I have been talking too is a personal trainer, he told me I am very critical of myself but also understands why that is. However I did tell him that I was the same before I met my ex, he believes he can help change that. He tells me I am stunning, he even watched my Facebook live video (and I looked hideous ha). I am quite interested in where this one is going to go, however I must not read too much into anything. I have learnt you can’t trust anyone however I shouldn’t shut people out or write them off as liars and narcissists just yet. He knows what I have been through so that makes a difference, I think. I hope! I’ve been speaking to a woman who has had a very similar experience as me and she said the new guy she is seeing is very supportive so there is hope.

I took photos today of myself. I want my toned self back 💪🏼

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