Behind These Bluest Eyes

…. and what a load of shite it has been.

I should have got back from Ibiza this morning, I wouldn’t be feeling this overweight or this miserable about what the near future holds. Instead we are heading into the autumn season which is usually one of my favourite being unable to party like I know and having to wear bloody masks everywhere.

Once again I probably should have kept this blog up, and despite there being a ‘lockdown’ quite a lot has happened in my life, mostly on the love life front but also to record my thoughts and feelings in this insane crazy time.

I am still very much on the ‘this is a complete overreaction’ camp which to many means I am selfish and a ‘conspiracy theorist’ but to me it just means I am not being fed the bullshit coming from the mainstream media.

Boris Johnson has this week suggested these restrictions are for a further 6 months, when this week more people are dying from flu and suicide then this supposedly deadly disease which has a low mortality rate. We are no longer allowed to be in groups of more than 6 again (although not really sure when that rule changed I kind of just did it). We also need to wear masks in bloody pubs , until we sit down of course and those pubs are now closing at 10pm. Make it make sense!!

Anyway 100 days left of 2020 and I really need to make the most of it. We do not get this time again, hiding in our homes is quite frankly a crock of shit and I am not playing anymore. I have made a promise to myself to blog each day. Track my mood, list my daily glads, try and use this time to become a better version of me.

I am seeing someone, I feel confused about my true feelings for him. On one hand I really feel like I could love this man, and on the other I am thinking I am crazy and haven’t learnt a single thing about respecting myself and knowing my worth. It is is nigh on impossible to get down everything that has happened as we did match on tinder early March time. Due to the lockdown we didn’t actually meet until June and since then I have felt a rollarcoaster of emotions. One thing is for sure, I do seem to put my happiness in his control. I told myself again last night I must let go of expectations and anticipation, I need to focus on myself and my needs more than him and the relationship we have. By focusing on myself I will be in a much stronger position to really understand how I feel. Over a week ago he actually ended it, no point to go over it now but I was literally so devastated. All the next day I was so broken hearted. I couldn’t eat, I blamed myself, I wished I could have rewound time. Despite him saying we could remain friends (afterall we spoke so much during lockdown without anything sexual) I was so certain he would distance himself so much and that ached my heart. I knew I would painfully miss him. That evening he text me and then we slipped back into our ping pong messaging and conversations again. Before I knew it, he suggested seeing me a couple of days later and I felt angry, how has he not even apoligised and realised the heart pain I went through was all for nothing. At least I hadn’t lost him right?

I get the keys to my new house tomorrow. After 2 years of being here I am actually moving again, it feels stressful and I am so anxious about it but I am sure it will all work out just fine.

Daily glads:

I hit 10k at work (insane number), I had mcdonalds (diet fail), we got negative coronavirus test results, and Mr C and I continue our fantasy football banter ❤

My experiences in an abusive relationship taught me a lot, it taught me to trust my gut, protect my heart and sadly rightly or wrongly have that guard up when meeting a new man.

When I first met this one back in July 2018, he was a bit of an overlap with my ex. I went into it not expecting anything, probably no more than a one night thing but fast forward to now and it’s ended. Ended very sourly. I have blocked him on everything and it really is boy bye. I have dealt with worse, and everything in life is a lesson. I have now learnt something cannot go on that long without it ending toxic especially with a fuck boy and that I have made a mistake in thinking or telling myself I was ok with that set up.

Whilst on the face of it, he showed kindness. He felt like a friend, so different to what my ex was like I have now learnt there are massive similarities.

Over these past 21 months there has been mixed messages, I have at times felt like I was the one to have stopped it from developing into a relationship because HE made me feel that way. “You never call me,” “If it wasn’t for me we wouldn’t see each other,” and my favourite after I admitted I had no feelings for him anymore “Why didn’t you tell me when you started to get feelings who know what could have happened.”

We had that type of situationship where we were honest about seeing others, he once admitted he had a girlfriend early on when he was at my house which took me back a bit but I thought how it couldn’t be that serious and just thought yuck and didn’t see him again for a while. Then back end of last year he was very certain that he no longer had a girlfriend, we even spoke about how cheating is a form of abuse and I said I am not ok with doing that to another girl. Broad as daylight he claimed he has never cheated, when pointing out to him he did with me he laughed it off and said ‘that’s different, it’s you. You will always be in my life.’ These types of men have very different standards to what is morally accepted in society, he didn’t see that he had cheated on his then girlfriend because it was with me… nonsensical.

Despite knowing I didn’t want him like that, knowing I would never trust him, thinking it had gone on too long for it to be anything and always playing this particular fuck boy at his own game. He had started to get in my head. He called me his girl, stating that one day I will be when I dismissed him. Questioning who I was with if I didn’t reply to his calls, the amount of times he would call me back to back if I didn’t answer. Not take no for an answer if he wanted to see me a particular day. Spent time with my kids, spent the day with me just chilling, told me it wasn’t just sex. There have been many times he questioned whether I would just get back with my ex when he is released from jail and I genuinely thought that perhaps this did concern him.

Something didn’t add up and I trusted my gut, lockdown allowing me to think more. Remembering how I felt with my ex when things really didn’t make sense and he has been taking up far too much of my head space. I blogged about it here You’re fluent in lies, excuses and bullshit.. when I started to connect the dots. The girl who had rang him back to back whilst he was in bed with me also put love hearts under his picture on Facebook. After seeing this, I sent a whatsapp message to tell him he was a mug, no longer welcome and to leave me alone. I blocked him, but next day he snapchatted me convincing me I had it all wrong. I believed him at the time, and that evening he told me he loved me, told me I best get used to him being around more, sharing my bed with him. Kissing my back, cuddling me all night. Why would I not believe him?

Until I was alone again, so so convinced I was right but no idea how to prove it. I really didn’t want to get involved in telling girls things, and he had previously invited me to ask her (why do that if he had something to hide ey lol) but for my own sanity, my own clarity I just had to.

Anyway I had seen before I was mutual friends with a girl  I knew so she was my only option of finding out for sure. Funnily when I went to message her they were no longer mutual friends and my suspicion is that he removed her so I perhaps wouldn’t see the link. Too late fucker!

I asked her how she knew him and yes all my concerns were confirmed. Whilst apparently only making it ‘official’ last week they have been seeing each other since August and got quite serious in October. I told her everything, shared with her the snaps I had saved where he denied the girlfriend and also worked out I definitely did drop him at her house once after he had spent the day with me! Looking back, at the time I knew it felt strange and remember going to bed that night thinking what if I had dropped him at another girls house. I even asked him! Shows again…. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT. I wasn’t being paranoid because of my experiences, I was fucking right!

Not long after I exposed him, he tried to call, I cancelled and text him to leave me alone and blocked. The problem with today is when you block someone you have to ensure you block on so many platforms. I see him typing on snapchat I leave it, knowing I couldn’t deal with any abuse or hate he wanted to throw at me at that time. Facebook.. blocked. Instagram.. unfollowed. Thankfully the mutual friend was very nice to me, sometimes I think girls can react a type of way but she was very appreciative that I had told her. She said that they had all seen red flags before and that this all now confirms it with his disgusting behaviour.

Yesterday whilst on a social distance walk with my youngest sister I wanted to get rid of the notification on snapchat, so I prompted her to open it. It was worse than expected.

See the thing with exposing these fuck boys they project all their wrong doings on to someone else. Despite repeatedly telling him he didn’t have to worry I wasn’t going to tell her, he pushed me too far with his gaslighting. I am too smart for that stuff now, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t need confirmation. The ONLY way to win in your own mind is that confirmation or they will convince you that you are paranoid and going mad. Equally I didn’t want him to get away with what he had done.

So indeed I was told that he has never known someone to be so badmind, that I am spoiling someone else’s happiness and hurting other people’s feelings. Hilarious, the only person doing that is HIM.

I was told I am just a hoe and that’s all I would have EVER been to him, and that I will never find a man due to being an ugly bitch.  I mean what vile nasty comments which can only come from someone who is abusive, panicked and angry due to being exposed. Who sleeps with someone for 21 months they find ugly? Lets be real here… it hurts, of course but it is laughable.

He then told me he ‘couldn’t wait to show my baby dad the messages’ thinking that’s the same? or thinking perhaps I may get attacked further or possibly hit by another man. Either way, it shows it was his last desperate attempt to try and hurt me for exposing his lies and bullshit. Why am I in the wrong here??

So my warning to you ladies is, if you get any inkling he’s a fuck boy don’t even use and abuse, don’t entertain, they will be nice as pie when you’re playing their game. When that game ends they will attack. Failing to see their own wrong-doings, gas lighting is rife, the projection is rife and we do not deserve any of that bullshit.

“So what am I not supposed to have an opinion, should I be quiet because I’m a woman, Call me a bitch cause I speak what’s on my mind. Guess it’s easier for to swallow if I sat and smiled” … PREACH!

 

 

 

 

Weekends are easier for me, I don’t usually do much weekends anyway. The only thing different for me really is football… although I did have a night out planned for next Saturday. That’s upsetting. I am so thankful I actually have work to do and can work from home and not everyday is like this.

Isolation has made me think more though .. all of this stuff with the ‘friend’ has only become a little deep since all of this coronavirus lockdown stuff. Before then I didn’t wear my heart on my sleeve or expect much from him.

On Friday night he reached out to me on snapchat, which clearly deep down I was hoping since I did only block him on WhatsApp and DND’d his calls. Typical lol. We spoke and he told me I had it all wrong, they are different girls with the same name. He told me I could message her if I liked and he will prove it to me. He told me he doesn’t want me gone like that and he seemed genuine. Maybe he does care?

Now I can’t stop thinking about him again! Isolation is driving me crazy! 2 more weeks at least of this …

I did a HIIT class yesterday and aching like mad, I should go for a walk today really. The kids haven’t been out since Tuesday.. today is Sunday! They seem to be coping ok though.

I have lost 3 lb and 1/4 since last week and I need to keep on top of it as the scales were a huge shock last week. I don’t want to be coming out of isolation looking like I’ve had a 3 month long Christmas! I shouldn’t wish time away but boy … I am! I want a life back.

The government have said that if less than 20,000 deaths then they will have done well. Still Facebook are in meltdown at this alarming number, and I understand that. However 500,000 was predicted at the start of all this and so while 20,000 sounds loads Sky News broke it down some more. Between 6,000-10,000 will be a direct result of Covid-19 (as a prediction) and as a comparison 8,000 die from flu each year and these are called excess deaths. 600,000 die each year broken down to 1,644 per day. The prediction is very very unclear, they do not know the difference between those who would have died soon anyway to those who have died from. Which I have said ALL along. I am not saying social distancing is not needed because I believe it is to stop even more deaths (mostly due to NHS not being able to cope) but what I am saying is. We all need to calm the fuck down!

It’s Friday morning, Day 4 of ‘soft lockdown’ and I am in a different mood right now to how I felt yesterday. These emotions are so up and down, it’s exactly like a break-up or a toxic relationship. Very unsettling. Maybe this sadness is added by the realisation the thing with the ‘friend’ has ended, he did try and call me but he was on do not disturb so he will likely think he is blocked from calling me too. Good, I don’t need to here his manipulation.

Yesterday was a good day until I felt a little sad by the evening, but during the day I felt good. I now have all my office set up at home, keyboard, mouse, 2nd screen… the little things that are making this situation a lot easier. I had my music on, cracking on with my work and I was super positive. I have still been busy this week with work and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down. I couldn’t help but keep checking the death toll though, when did I become so obsessed with death?? Figures… stats… coronavirus… arghhh..

Facebook can be very very toxic at times like this, I am sick of hearing about the limited help for self-employed, and now there is a package still people are not happy. The truth is the Government simply cannot help everyone, the posts about how ‘I bet they had wished they had paid their proper taxes’ are funny though, funny because it’s true. I am also sick of the faceboook police condemning people for still going to work or whatever they are doing. It’s not on your conscience so just let them be. I am no scientist but it is very clear that the majority are social distancing and they always said that we cannot stop this… we can only slow it down.

Also death rates… ok 100 or so died yesterday with coronavirus in the UK, and of course Italy and Spain having high numbers around 600 etc, however it still is not clear on whether they died FROM or WITH this virus. Why is it that so many, Prince Charles even can have the disease and suffer mild symptoms yet some die? Boris Johnson our own Prime Minister has just tested positive and also has mild symptoms. Just like the seasonal flu though I guess, some can handle it, some not so lucky. If we were told daily all of the death figures (approx 1500 a day) we would all be absolutely miserable … constantly. I need to chill out on these death stats. My eldest daughter just said ‘so will he die?’ in the response to the BoJo news, she’s 11 and that is her perception of this virus. When the true reality is that the vast majority would not suffer badly with this.

I saw a post this morning and thought it was quite a good read Lockdown “useless, grotesque, collective suicide” . It is stated here that a world-renowned expert in medical microbiology has condemned the extreme and costly measures of a lockdown. He says that so far the overall number of deaths around Europe are no higher than normal during this time of year, and in fact it is lower. If there was no lockdown though could this be higher?

The article also goes on to say about how much of our focus is on this outbreak, and actually if we gave this much attention to the flu each year we would be terrified and the panic would be the same. In America 22,000 died in winter and that includes 144 children, is it because this is new? the unknown? Why has it been such a focus, toilet rolls, pasta and baked beans becoming a luxury. Human behaviour is insane! All driven by the media.

Other alarming points raised is that in Italy it is suggested that only 12% of death certificates in Italy have shown a direct casualty from coronavius and questioning how actually a lockdown has accelerated the death of the vulnerable and not slowed it down.

What ever this is, and however this will all pan out I will await the Netflix documentaries, the conspiracy theories, all the ‘experts’ saying different things. Me? I will continue to do as I am told, staying at home.. trying to use this time positively.

 

 

 

.. and that he is! I feel angry with myself if I am honest. I saw the signs, chose to ignore them, figured he would actually tell me the truth since he always did before, and was adamant I wasn’t interested in him ‘like that’s but I am angry and need to write.

The ‘friend’ is who I am talking about. Brief history then, we matched on Tinder in January 2017 for reasons such as the abusive ex being around and being on off with him we didn’t meet until July 2018. I cast my mind back to the early days and he told me he had been in a relationship and that it was now over, strong relationship then to be on Tinder, a bit like mine!

We met a few times and then around October time we had some drama which led to him admitting he was still sleeping with his ex. I couldn’t talk I had too before he went to jail in september but decided I needed to nip it in the bud. I didn’t want to be in a love triangle. I had a few missed calls in this time and texts but I swerved them. Then by March of 2019 after being celibate since I last saw him I reached out again. I text him and he came round that night and told me he was no longer with her.

From March last year it has been off and on again and I even suspected he went on holiday with a girl but let it slide after he completely ignored a message I sent about leaving me alone in May. It was then random times we would meet, I would often wake up to missed calls and I learnt to actually just ignore them and not even entertain him the next day. He took up no headspace and it was just a thing we did. Rightly or wrongly at this time I was still not clear on his relationship status, I felt it wasn’t my problem and I wasn’t wanting anything more from him.

In December we spoke and saw each other more regularly and I started to wonder what we was, where was it going, he told me he was single. He told me loads of other bull crap to be honest and I quite liked the set up we had. I never called him though, he did all the running. January we didn’t see each other but then randomly in February he called one Sunday and I spent the day with him. Throughout the whole time he always told me that I never bothered with him and etc etc, I actually believed him and thought ok maybe it is me. I haven’t been honest with my feelings. I had set the boundaries and allowed his behaviour of picking me up when he liked but I did wonder what would have happened should I had been more forward.

Since it started up again in February we have spoke quite a bit. I don’t always run when he calls but I did try and get across to him this week that I did care for him (he has seemed taken a back in the past when I told him I had no feelings.) The man has the emotional intelligence of a bat though like literally and it did not seem to register to him! Last week and again today he’s been ringing and voice noting and texting about going to his. When I refused late one night last week and then fell asleep I had missed calls even at 4am, the next day on my case again and then questioned who was in my bed. I obviously blogged about the weekend and the phone call he made Sunday where he told me he cares and I was a good friend. Give over!

Anyway we were talking today and I was sending funny memes etc etc he again wanted me to see him, asked me if I had met someone else as for the reason for not. Then when I told him I was busy (Clearly I am not given the circumstances) he questioned who I was seeing. The boy is rattled!

Evening has came and I’m scrolling Facebook and a girl with the same first name I suspected was his ‘ex girlfriend’ who was repeatedly ringing him the other week when he was in my bed, had put love hearts on his update profile picture! He lied and told me at the time and that ‘she isn’t my girlfriend anymore but she wants to be.’ I was very firm at this time and said if that’s the truth ok but if you are torturing this poor girl and cheating like this then that isn’t ok. Seeing her ring back to back like that bothered me. It bought back memories and I don’t want to be the other girl. I believed him! I believed she just didn’t want to let him go. What a dickhead.

Tonight has confirmed it. He is a liar. He is a cheat, and emotionally abusive with it. The day she was ringing his phone he was with me ALL day. God knows what he told her when he finally communicated with her! We’ve always been honest about tinder and dating life and it isn’t just me he’s cheated on her with. He was back on Tinder, POF etc etc.

My initial reaction was to message her, tell her, girl code and all. But then a friend spoke sense to me. She won’t believe me, she’ll only take him back, I can’t be arsed with drama at my table and she knows deep down. She definitely does. He has previous which resulted in a child and still took him back then. It isn’t my problem.

My problem is he has met my children, lied to me when he never did before and all the corona drama made me crave him. Perhaps only because there has been no one else, not real anyway and because of the emotions running through me I was under an illusion I wanted him. It is easy to want someone you feel comfortable with, my youngest daughter loved him and he had a soft spot for her too.

He’s told me before he wouldn’t be able to cope if I blocked him but tonight I have, only on WhatsApp though not brought myself to do all social media yet. It’s a strong enough message to say I am angry but I am not bitter. I sent an angry message calling him a mug and ended it with ‘yes I have met someone else’. Lol. I am technically not wrong. I don’t actually feel emotional about it, just angry that a man gets away with this stuff.

This social distancing might not be so bad after all !!

Yesterday was Monday and the first day of ‘home schooling’, it went ok. I got quite a bit of work done but it was stressful at times. Somehow my garden looks like a tip (due to the kids emptying the shed) and I had to lay down some rules. I had my niece as planned and my sister came to pick her up, we went on a longish walk to the park which was empty. Everyday there has been a live at around 5pm, and it was announced that this was delayed to 8:30pm because the prime minister wanted to address the nation. We knew it was going to be serious. Checking the news has become so addictive, my sister even turned on notifications for the sky news app but still felt the need to check for updates, it has taken over our lives.

Facebook on Monday was full of everyone getting on their soap box about how busy parks are and seaside resorts etc etc were on Sunday. As I have said before, I am not sure the advice has always been that clear, and of course it is only advice. People were told to get out, ‘practice social distancing’.. and that is what people were doing. As I said, I saw my mum, because well BoJo said that was ok back end of last week but on Sunday morning again we are being socially policed by Facebook…. literally!

This was always going to happen, despite the meme (which is funny) but I don’t actually believe this is because of Sunday and parks being ‘full’. This would always have happened…

When Boris made his announcement I had chills. The new guy I have being speaking to was going to come over but we waited for that announcement, and we both felt that it was wrong to do so. How mad! The whole thing is just so surreal, like beyond anything ever imaginable. This is like a bad bad fucked up movie, or a real shit game of The Sims and whoever is controlling us is just wanting to drive everyone simply mental. I was in tears, chatting on WhatsApp with my other two single friends and we all felt numb. I just wished I had another adult living with me in my house, if you are in a relationship or married then you cannot simply understand how this feels. It is depressing.

He was very stern, do not leave your home only for food (essentials), once a day for exercise (like prison), to and from work if you absolutely cannot work from home, making out key workers only and he closed all non essential shops and libraries etc etc. I felt trapped, my anxiety went through the roof. The way I can explain it is like back 2016/2017 when I was stuck in that flat, being mentally abused by a man sometimes leaving with my keys so I could not leave. Feeling so trapped, I could not breathe, no idea when this feeling would end. We have been told 3 weeks, I felt optimistic but now I am being realistic. It will be longer than 3 weeks. Other countries have had full lockdown and it has not stopped the spread, it hasn’t worked.. Italy today 743 deaths, France 240 deaths and Spain 497 deaths. Today we had 87 and still behind Italy by 200 or so when comparing their first death to ours BUT it will increase… it will.

I woke up this morning in tears again. Hating it, hating it so much. How the fuck is this happening? My niece can no longer come here, I can no longer see my sister, my mum, or any other adult that I am close to. That hurts, it cuts deep. I have become so used to being alone, but at least I had my work colleagues and networking buddies. It doesn’t make sense that I can go to a busy supermarket but unable to go to my mum’s for a bloody jacket potato. I went for a walk this morning with my girls and got some coffee from the shop. Despite my boss hearing my tears and saying not to worry about work today I still cracked on and got stuff done. I felt better. I didn’t listen to the news all day and then put on a film in the evening. I then face-timed a friend and had some laughs.. I then made the mistake of putting on the news.

I didn’t cry, I just faced facts… this is not going away anytime soon. Last night when I felt the rules were very strict I was hopeful that 3 weeks would be long enough to turn it around. Then when realising how soft this lockdown is on the country it’s not going to do enough, people are still going to work, whether essential or not. Children are going between two family homes, boyfriends and girlfriends are 100% still going between houses in MOST cases, lets not be deluded here. The question was asked to one of the ministers and she joked and said you either stay apart or test your relationship and stay in one home. Sure, who ever is staying away from their own home will go back to collect things.. arguments will happen and they will storm home, it will happen although what does it matter if they both live alone anyway to be honest? Then there was the other concern this evening on the news, the rise in domestic and child abuse cases… just brilliant, exactly what I have been concerned about.

None of this is law, yet, but it is fascinating how much control the government really do have on the people. Yes in Piers Morgan’s rant he makes some valid points that the people are not being asked a lot but you know what it is. It is very different to anything anyone has ever experienced in this lifetime. I was genuinely very concerned about my mental health this morning, I felt like I would need a doctor or some meds to control the tightness in my chest, the anxiety. I still feel drained this evening in all honesty. This month of March has been a complete blur, how are we the 24th already? They predict we will have our peak in May, a temporary hospital being built in preparation.. like wtf.. they are getting ready. The concerns are not necessarily the virus it self it is the fear of having too many sick people at once.. the NHS being inundated and they cannot cope. People dying because of this.. that is the worry.

On Sunday my ‘friend’ called me, his number had been deleted and I wasn’t sure who it was. I told him he lacks emotional intelligence and had no idea why he was even calling. He told me he wanted to sort this out, that he does care, he didn’t want to accept that we would remain friends who just say hi on the street as he considers me a real friend. The man is mental. I don’t trust, I go from thinking well he must have been thinking about me to call me randomly like that, to thinking he has other motives. Whatever… not like I can see him anyway!

I was also concerned about my ipad as I put it in for repair on Saturday after it’s had a crack in it since September.. Currys told me that if they were told to close (as I asked knowing it would happen) then it would be posted to me. I would like my ipad for my kindle, I have a lot of time lol and I was regretting taking it in fear now that it be stuck with them for weeks on end. Currys answered and told me it was still getting fixed, this eased my anxiety somewhat but it still made me wonder how the hell is this a lockdown?? I ordered a toddler chair of amazon too.. it literally could be so much worse and I am expecting it to go that way. Society and media policing again, the pressure this puts on to our Government. Although they said this afternoon, ‘we still want businesses to trade.’ Whatever is going, whatever the plan… it all feels very very strange.

 

I could get quite used to being able to blog in the morning. Usually it has always been the evening (or the middle of the night when I have been unable to sleep). I got a little over 5 hours sleep. No alarm needed and like clock work I wake at 6am. It’s a Sunday god dammit!

I didn’t actually eat that much yesterday, my appetite has gone. Perhaps I won’t gain as much weight as I thought during this. I bought myself a new Fitbit, a little present to myself. I want to still go out for walks and hopefully can start my running again.

I felt very emotional yesterday and I got my feelings across to the ‘friend’ I mentioned yesterday. It needs to end, despite showing him this week my vulnerable side and letting my guard down he clearly lacks the emotional intelligence to handle it. I feel sad, but the situation isn’t helping really either. I am just annoyed he got inside my head, actually thought he cared. Oh well… we move on.

It’s Mothers Day and despite social media telling me that I should not be seeing my mum. I am. My mum is not high risk. My mum is going to be having my kids every Wednesday anyway and she lives with my sister who I will be seeing every day since she will be dropping off my niece (who also lives with my mum). My step dad is still going to work, as is my sister and her boyfriend. My nan however is a different story, sadly she is staying at home.

I watched David Icke yesterday (despite me saying I am done with conspiracies) but it was really interesting and it makes sense to me. He was talking about how a huge % of us would get it/have had it and would barely even notice, so why not just protect those who are at risk. He believes it is to crash the economy. Makes sense.. it is going to happen. An article by the BBC too today, discussing how we will never know the true numbers of those who have died because of coronavirus as it a huge grey area with those who have died with coronavirus. There is a huge difference. 56 died yesterday, but 1500 plus die everyday in the UK due to a whole heap of things.. looking at it like that, the numbers are not bad especially when linking it with the BBC news article, would they have died anyway? More alarming is seeing the news  about Italy. 793 died yesterday the rate is increasing massively everyday and it is reported that we are just under 2 weeks behind them. That is scary. Yet again, a report released on March 18 2020, 99% of those who have died had other illnesses. 48.5% had 3 or more other illnesses and the average death age is 79.5. All of Italy’s victims under 40 (17) have been males with serious existing medical conditions. I am no way excusing this or with the mindset that ‘they are old anyway’… but perspective is important. Imagine a world where deaths were reported daily on the news about everything, those 1500 a day constantly drilled down our throats. We would all be super miserable every single day. Hearing 56 makes me feel miserable!

I am doing a lot of removing and muting on Facebook, I understand they mean well but self care is important to me. I cannot deal with too much of all this negativity. It’s insane. Also those who are quoting stuff wrong. I don’t want to see the assumed 3% mortality rate, this is not facts it is simply creating fear. To get a true mortality rate, we need years of data, and also need to be testing far more people than we are. The UK are currently only testing the sick and in hospital (it seems), if we have symptoms we are being told to self isolate for 14 days. These people possibly have it and are not being tested therefore skewing the stats but a MASSIVE amount. There is talks of a new anti-body test, this will test to see if you have ever had it and when, this will be a game changer and it is needed to get the world moving again.

Anyway I am about to eat my scrambled eggs on toast cooked by my oldest daughter, then shower and battle the supermarket.

My 3 year old randomly just said ‘I am so excited, I am not going to nursery anymore.’ Thankyou for reminding me kid… hahaha

 

How am I going to get through these times I ask myself. I go from feeling like ‘everything is going to be ok, it’s an adventure, it’s an experience.. it’s just different and we can adapt’ … to thinking .. how will I cope? I have no normality. I had been feeling very low coming into March anyway. I had lost some direction, felt unsettled, unsure.. felt like I just wanted to sleep through March. Never ever did I expect that something like the coronavirus would change our worlds as we knew them dramatically over the course of a week.

I cast my mind back to the beginning of the year and hearing the news of it around China, it didn’t worry me. The virus it self still does not. I obviously would not want my grandparents to get it but someone like me could fight it. It has now spiraled into something I never ever imagined, I think I am not alone there. I still feel very uneasy about it, feel like there is something we are not being told. Something doesn’t sit right with me. BUT I have told myself there is absolutely no point trying to understand it.. look at conspiracy’s and hear viewpoints because well I cannot change it. It is unlikely I will understand it and that is something I learnt when living with an abusive man. It is just wasted energy… I will never understand so I have to just face the challenge and do what I can to survive these times.

On Thursday 12th March the FA and EFL released a statement to say all games were going ahead as normal, a few hours later it was released that Arteta the Arsenal Manager had tested positive for coronavirus and I knew then this was a game changer. Football cancelled. My weekends are planned around football, watching it, doing some bets, whatsapp messages with my football pals and that weekend I felt empty. Also knowing I would not be going to the game (which should be today).

I have been working from home since Tuesday as last Monday it was announced by Boris Johnson that we should work from home where we can. This was tough. I found Monday the toughest, the toughest day since the announcement that all football would be postponed until at least April (this has been since extended). There were tears on this day, knowing the schools would soon be closed, my mind spiraled. Thinking about those children who are vulnerable, the ones who see school as their safety. Those women who are now having to stay at home, being mentally abused and they have no escape.. no chance to mask their life with normality. I could not imagine getting through what I did without my job. Being on maternity leave was bad enough but at least I still had the school runs to walk (I walked a lot) and friends to see and family. It was my job that saved me, I went to work daily hiding what was going on and it helped. Helped so much. It is inevitable domestic abuse will rise and that is scary. Yesterday my local police force released a statement to say just that, they are preparing for it… similar reports increased in China when in lockdown so they are prepared. I drove to work on Monday totally anxious of what all this turmoil would do, again not because of the virus it self but the catastrophic effects it would have on the economy. All the car garages empty was my vision, shops boarded up. Tuesday I nipped to Lidl at lunchtime and again I welled up, the weekend before in Tesco and seeing the empty shelves didn’t hit me like it did in Lidl. It is sad, scary and feels so surreal, like I am in a nightmare. Never will I take just being able to go to the supermarket and get what I want for granted again.

On Wednesday it was announced that all schools would be closed until further notice, nursery too. We knew it was coming, we knew that it needed to be done at the right time but it still came as a shock. My life as I know it will change massively for the forseeable.

Last night my niece from my eldest daughters side had a little sleepover for her birthday and I shared a few beers and pizza with my sister in law. I woke up thinking that it is sad that that cannot continue. We will go for walks but no more sleepovers for my daughter and her cousins… I think that is sensible right? I may change my mind. Collectively me and my friend next Tuesday have decided we cannot see each other and work from home together. We need to follow the guidance and do this properly for it to work, it is in our hands.

Anyway, day 1 of social distancing and to be honest apart from the fact I should be on my way to Leeds to watch Leeds United v Luton Town I don’t usually do much weekends. I usually get an early morning call from a ‘friend’ who has been a ‘friend’ since July 2018 and with clubs closed that won’t be happening. Sometimes he comes over on a Sunday and I need to have a discussion with him about that if that is to continue. I have also been growing close to a man I met on Tinder, I cancelled our first date as was full of a cold (it was a runny nose) and at that time the Government had not said it was a symptom and we have agreed to go to Mcdonalds drive thru (as the only thing open) on Monday for a first date. Again… not sure.. feel a bit strange about seeing anyone. Tomorrow is mothers day… I am 100% seeing my family.

Today I have ordered scrap books for my daughter and my blood niece (as she will be with me whilst my sister works) and I am ready for the challenge of homeschooling. I hope I can still work as much as I can but it is going to be very very different. Yesterday I bought many books for my 3 year old and lots of arts and crafts for them to all do together. The plan for the scrapbooks is for the older two to have something to do and record their experiences, a diary… this will go down in history. So I should do it too. I will have to change the way I shop, I rarely have food in.. I buy as I need and this will be a huge change for me. I can no longer go to the gym and I am concerned about my fitness levels, mental health and self esteem BUT I must just adapt. Bring it on! xx

Tinder can be crazy at the best of times, like with the opening message I just received of ‘when we meeting then?’ I did reply telling him he must be joking but it seems he was not. He then asked if I just wanted a pen pal. Do women actually meet men that quickly ? Madness.

I do need to get this written down, it is swirling inside my head and I whilst questioning myself slightly I do know the way this particular man has been behaving just has not been acceptable.

Last night was not the first time the conversation got ‘difficult’ with this particular man but I did give him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions. I should have trusted my gut. We matched around the 2nd feb, things were moving slow and the conversation flowed. Just over a week ago he asked for my number so we continued talking via WhatsApp. I don’t actually have the energy for every negative conversation we had in that time but I will say this … there were a lot.

Tuesday night he laughed at me for saying evening at 4:55pm, ok I was a little premature but it then became a big conversation about it. Referencing the dictionary! Draining and unnecessary. Last night even a conversation about the weather and me saying this time last year it was so much warmer (we now have snow) led him to correct me by saying ‘I think that’s how it works babe, I don’t think the weather cares about the date’. Mind blown wtf!

Anyone the conversation that did it. Football! We’ve already had a negative conversation stemming from football. I find men struggle sometimes with women who understand football, and yeh banter is banter but when it feels like a constant personal attack. That is not banter, that is just one person trying to belittle the other. Anyway, conversation was fine and he mentioned his hate for Manchester United which I laughed and agreed. Then he said don’t think they care about you lot anymore, I’m a Leeds United fan… so I shared with him a recent video on YouTube to prove Manchester United fans still sing ‘we all hate Leeds scum’. He doesn’t like being wrong.

Then … whilst discussing the number of televised games that ruin normal Saturday football. He said ‘it’ll be worse when you get in the prem’ to which I responded how it might not be, we are already one of the most televised teams in the country due to red button mid week games etc. Again used articles to confirm this, he said ‘but you’re not in premiership, you’re in championship.’ I then voice noted and said ‘read it, it’s all clubs’. He then made out he agreed with the comment it might not get worse. So why say ‘enjoy it while it lasts’ when complaining on the amount of games his team are televised. Bends my head! He then no joke told me I needed to sort out MY attitude and told me I had issues! Lol! Again I tried to detract from a row and said at least not as many midweek games as they are difficult to get to, his response ‘I don’t care.’ From this I finally told him we clearly clash too much and it won’t work. So in nicest way possible it was good getting to know him. Some more sarcastic comments but I’ve left him to it. What I really want to do is tell him, he’s the one with the issues!! Not only is that insulting me it is absolute projection. How does someone go through life being that negative and rude? I knew I disliked Arsenal fans for a reason.

Tinder dating is hard!