Tag: families

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

I didn’t want it to end this way

Posted on by KerryLouise

Yesterday was awful, it was a day I wish to never experience again. There was so much that happened that it didn’t feel like my life, it felt like a film or an episode of a soap. So many emotions and still so much trauma. I say it didn’t feel like my life but this is a feeling I have felt repeatedly for the past 3 years. Right from my then much loved boyfriend being arrested in my bedroom to now where I want him to be arrested for everything he has put me through.

Due to the domestic violence incidents back in the early part of the year both my children were placed on a child protection plan. Now I can honestly say,  with other professionals in agreement that Social Services have failed. They have been useless, considering the severity of what this plan actually means it has had absolutely no benefit or positive impact on my life. I engaged with them, I was honest, I cried and begged for help and even wrote a letter of complaint. It was all pointless. Potentially if the incidents were few and far between I wouldn’t have been so honest, maybe if it wasn’t as unlivable as it was then I would have continued to keep it a secret. If I was financially dependent on him that would have made it even more impossible to act and stand up. The truth is I have been strong, I know that now. Even at times when I feel so weak I take a moment and feel worry for how many women (and men) are out there who are experiencing all this which is really making them unhappy. I am strong because I spoke up and I am making it stop….. finally!

The child protection conference was held yesterday morning and I made the decision that I did not want to attend. I wrote my statement and stuck to my word. I had a court hearing in the afternoon anyway which was much more important than some poxy conference with an inadequate social services team. I was informed that the meeting did not go ahead, Dominic showed with his mother and spent 45 minutes talking with the chair. The meeting was postponed due to ‘differences in stories’ … I was furious!! Fucking furious!! I know that him and his mother would have sat there and made out all this was my fault. Spineless bastards! His mother TOTALLY knows what he is like, she heard him herself just a few weeks ago when he found out I was going to Ibiza. She has even said to me in the past ‘how did you end up with a man like him?!’ It made me SICK to think of the lies and manipulation that would have happened in that room. I think his mother thinks men like him are normal, she needs to wake the fuck up. “Your son even abuses you!” Failing to turn up when he says he will! It isn’t normal behaviour and I feel sorry for his sister. She will end up with a man just like him because no one is teaching her the severity of his behaviour! The chair even made a comment that I would not get the injunction and was vocal about how no one can stop Dominic from seeing his daughter!! All I could think of was… “How have I spent months being told by health professionals that I have been a victim of domestic abuse and defending him, to now defending myself and having to prove that this has been the case!! I turned my tears into determination. I will make sure he pays for everything he has done to me.

His mother is a disgrace to women! Standing by a man who she KNOWS has treated me so bad. She’s heard his words, seen my bruises, heard the stories and even been dumbfounded how someone like me can end up with someone like him. She turned up at my work, calling me a liar, adamant she wanted her possessions! How shameful is that more interested in a few designer jeans than her own granddaughter. She is upset with my blog it seems. Well I won’t stop telling my story and I will not be bullied into anything ANYMORE!! Maybe she should look close to home and realise if she raised him correct he wouldn’t be dealing drugs, carrying knives and abusing women!

I went to court and the judge was satisfied with my statement that a full no contact order should be granted. My worries of it not being granted were diminished. I felt relieved.

Him and his mum showed their true colours on the phone to my daughters nursery. Twisting things, trying to manipulate her, doing exactly what he does to me everyday of my life. The nursery now have their own opinion and it isn’t as simple as them ‘believing a woman over a man.’ Like they were accusing. They will fuck themselves on their own and I know that now!

Before his mum showing up I was feeling sad about it coming to this. I know I had taken more than enough but I still wished I could have done more to stop it getting so final. So nasty. So bitter! But he deserves it boy he deserves it!! Today just highlighted that this really is the only way!!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

You don’t get to tell me what to do ever again!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

And that feels good… like really good.

I listened to a couple of voice recordings I had in my phone today. It’s a shame they don’t back up as with all the phones he’s smashed up I lost loads of evidence of his behaviour! The two I have are quite recent and to be honest they are not even THAT bad compared to other times.

Back in June I wasn’t allowed to leave the house in what I was wearing. He told me I should respect his wishes and that he has to ‘teach’ and ‘help’ me how to have self respect and worth. His patronising angry tone, that you can hear in my voice has tied me up in knots and I’m a sobbing mess asking him what I was allowed to wear. I remember that day, I wasn’t allowed to leave my flat and he made sure of that by hiding my bag. Despite me explaining that it was an outfit I had wore previously in his company he wasn’t taking any of it. My bum was out was his concerns and I should respect him and myself. This also reminds me of a dress I tried on in front of him that I planned to wear to my friends hen party. He made a comment about how I shouldn’t wear it, I did and boy that was a rough night. A lecture and a half, he also had my Instagram account where he deleted random men’s comments on the photo of me in the dress and of course that was my fault. ‘Begging attention,’ ‘needy’ and ‘pathetic’. Then his favourite ‘I want a real woman not someone like you.’ He firmly told me I was not allowed on any more weekends away with the girls.

The second recording is over a misunderstanding about when he was buying me a new handbag as I had mine stolen. Any ‘normal’ person would say ‘no sorry you got confused babe I didn’t mean this weekend.’ Not him, not his narcissistic personality. It developed into an hour long lecture over how I was a joke and ungrateful. How I couldn’t ever accept when I was wrong. In a 16 minute voice recording he must have said how I was a joke 15 times. Explaining over and over again that it’s ‘really sad’ he can’t have a conversation with the mother of his child. How I can’t ever be told (like I’m a child.) i hear how I’m up my own arse, how I play and act dumb and how I’ll continue to have these problems with other men. As no one will put up with me the way I am! The repetitions of not being able to talk to me are tiresome when I ask him what he wants to talk about. A narcissist doesn’t know, he just repeats the point and will not follow it up with any substance. Trying to prove over and over again it’s me and it certainly isn’t him.

I also kept a diary for a month with a sentence for each day. It’s good to look back on and it shows me exactly why the injunction is needed. Since June I’ve been telling him I don’t want him but he is so used to abusing, controlling and manipulating me this will never stop without serious measures. Even in the 16 minute recording he begins by saying ‘like you said we’re not together’ and by the end he’s saying ‘in a relationship a man and woman should be able to communicate’ , obviously trying to highlight that my communication skills need work and re-iterating that I am still very much his!

He is obsessed with me, he is a possessive, jealous and a needy human. Especially since I had his baby, he sees that as he’s put his mark on me. ‘You think I’m having a baby mum whose in town every weekend opening her dirty legs’, ‘I’ll get wicked on you, you know’ and ‘over my dead body will you have another man in this town.’ Oh and let’s not forget ‘do your thing if you wish but I’m not letting you go and when I’m ready I will be coming back for you girl.’ We’ve been here before, he won’t stop thinking of me, he sure as hell won’t be bothered about my thoughts and pain from what he’s caused. As a narc he is so self centred he’ll be concerned about him. How he feels! He knows he won’t ever have anyone like me again. ‘I fucked up’ .. with the tears, ‘I am sorry’ … no no he’s just sorry that he’s suffering now. He isn’t sorry to me and never ever has been. He’ll tell anyone and everyone that will listen that I’m bitter and twisted. Using our baby as a weapon and I’m sure when he realises that this is really it this time that’ll fuel his fire to blame me once more.

‘All I know is I would have given you fucking everything if you didn’t wrong me when I went to jail’, that line used to get me. I would hate myself for doing what I did, blame myself for the whole situation. Revenge he would scream and I believed him. When I heard it this week I just laughed and told him to get over it. He’s boring now, poor him for reading a text message I sent to a man ‘hurry, I need warming up’ .. pity party him!! Circumstances do not make someone an abusive person, they are just abusive! Nothing I did justifies this behaviour… nothing!

He punched a hole in my wall even before he went to jail because an old flame had text me… should have spotted the red flags then!

So tonight I can sleep well. He can no longer tell me what to wear, what to do, where to eat (yes he has done that before), what to spend my money on, what friends I can see or where I go. Sometimes the control is indirect, he’ll make the situation so difficult it’s easier to just agree and bow down to his requests. I never ever have to hear another lie, word or comment come out of his mouth again. I do know something I will NEVER be involved with anyone like him again! Ever!

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Mehhh!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Feeling pretty miserable this evening. Hate that I can go from feeling positive, excited and super optimistic to feeling just down right fed up.

I’m feeling my sisters pain, I hate seeing her this way and all she is doing is blaming herself. Making comments regarding her postpartum stomach, how she feels so ugly and worthless. Comparing herself to me and how I always have had a pretty face and how I stand out and she gets lost in the crowd. I cannot stress enough to her that this is on HIS head, not hers. My confidence oozes from me, and that naturally makes someone more attractive, nothing to do with me ‘being better looking.’

As it turns out this girl who my brother in law was having an affair with was purely texting, probably skyping and being on the phone to. She lives in Florida, he had sent her gifts and I had read the conversations dating back to the 21st June. They didn’t make nice reading even for myself so I can only imagine how it made my sister feel. He had said how he couldn’t wait to touch her, wanted her for life and how she makes him so happy! She’s blaming herself for depriving him of sex but I know its deeper than that. He said himself its the debt hes in, he feels like a failure. We’ve all suspected for a while that he’s depressed and I do believe he used this as an escapism. I am not sticking up for him in any way, shape or form but I refuse to believe he did this for a quick wank here and there.

I feel sad that my sister is hurting. I feel sad that this may, most probably be the end of their relationship and my niece will have separated parents. I always liked him, he was hard work at times and his political views were somewhat interesting but I felt like he looked after my sister well and that’s what was important.

Today I also got a mark back for a piece of coursework I did a couple of months ago. I haven’t yet mentioned in this blog about my studies. I have recently completed a Graduate Diploma in Law. I found this 2nd year soooo much harder than last and unfortunately I can only blame one person for that! Dominic! The stress he has caused me left me no option but to be completely unfocused on anything other than him and I can’t help but feel pretty disappointed with myself for letting him get to me that much. I did get an extension on this piece but that didn’t exactly help me since all my friends were discussing it when I was completely shut off from anything uni related. Many will still praise my efforts since I was pregnant and still studying but still, it did get to me today when the majority of the others were celebrating really high marks. I am pleased for them though of course, their head was in it…. mine just was not!

I wonder what it is like to be in a complete happy relationship. Does it even actually exist? I’m doubting it to be honest and I’d only probably go and get bored if everything was all roses and lovely!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Explosion!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

I don’t know any other way to put it other than today the beast of the mother in law and myself came to blows!! I wish it hadn’t of happened over the telephone but it did, and it has and now I just need to get over it and hope she drops any stupid grudge she has against me too.

I explained briefly on Sunday that there was some animosity between us, she’s lied in the past. She’s behaved distant and just plain odd previously and our relationship just became pretty strained and I never understood why.  Early on she was like my rock, we spoke alot and helped each other through the grieving process of him going to jail then something changed.

In February 2015 she told me some things that explained it all. I don’t actually blame her for having these thoughts after all he is her son and I am 7 years older than him with a daughter from a previous relationship but I just explained that being in a relationship does not mean he cannot still have a life. She implied I would hold him back basically, that he was too young to settle down and he has his whole life ahead of him. It was hard to hear but it didn’t turn into an argument on the phone at all. The vibe between us just changed. Other things added to this too, like the time she lied about even booking a visit to see him, ignored my text messages, told my best friend one thing and me another. It was all just strange and I figured I was better off away from it.

Baring in mind I have not even spoke to the woman since January but I hear from her daughter that yes she doesn’t like me and its for all the things she has previously said to me about controlling visits, pushing her away and trapping him. PLEASE!! During the second half of his sentence I didn’t even go to see him much, she could have visited no problem.

Today it came to blows, she denied ever saying any of that stuff to me back in February and I just could not believe what she was saying. HOW? Just HOW can someone bare face lie about something like that. I called her a liar, I told her she was poison she said some things about how she didn’t need to bow down to every word I said. But hey ho whatever, she can continue being bitter. It’ll be her loss when she isn’t involved in her granddaughters life the way she should be!

In fairness she did end the conversation saying we need to draw a line and I agreed but I still don’t feel welcome. I still don’t feel like I particularly want to visit there with my baby, but thank the Lord she lives far away.

At the end of the day her son loves me and she needs to just accept that. Yes he’s been an asshole in the past but so have I and what we don’t need is other people adding even more strains to our relationship. Boy we’ve been through enough and what it always boils down to is me and him. No one else matters other than me, him, my eldest daughter and this new little baby I am growing. As long as we are all happy then fuck the rest!!

I almost feel like I’m justifying his behaviour since his release tonight. Maybe I am, maybe I am just accepting that we’ve had it bloody hard. Survived a prison sentence, where I did meet someone else during and then fell pregnant within 2 days upon his release. Men struggle when their women get pregnant generally anyway. It takes them longer to accept the major life changes before them, or they accept them but they try and do everything they can before that time has come. Add that all to the fact that we had just spent 16 months apart and we’ve got a pretty tough situation. We haven’t given up though and that has to count for something.

I am definitely in a positive mood today …. If only that lasted!!

 

Posted in Uncategorized

30 weeks pregnant !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

image

Cant believe I’ve hit the 30 week mark now. Baby girl could come as early as just 7 weeks away … I doubt it tho! If she’s anything like her daddy she will come in October! No joke!

Baby has been super active this evening. It is incredible how she’s just inside me .. Chilling … Giving me a nudge every so often! I love it!

I’ve had a good day really, mood has been ok. It’s my friends birthday tomorrow and I had agreed to join them in Birmingham tomorrow lunch. After Friday I thought what a stupid idea it was as I struggle walking around my local Tesco but I’m going to go! It’s a social event and I think it would do me good.

The picture above is a comparison of how I looked this time last year compared to now. What a difference , it is a little depressing but I don’t feel so bad about it as I thought I would. I’m growing my baby girl and that’s amazing. Plus I know I’ll get back to my original size , that’s my motivation !

I figured my post tonight would be regarding the mother in law. I’ve had quite  a long conversation with my boyfriends sister today and it brought up loads of memories regarding her behaviour last year which has constituted to us not getting on. She has clearly admitted to people she doesn’t like me, and I’m pretty sure her only reason is that she is far too protective over her precious son so much so that she doesn’t want any woman to have him! Behave !! I’ve left it too late to get into it all right now but I will. I do wonder how she’ll be with her grandaughter when she’s here. It’s going to be interesting that’s for sure !!