Tag: friendship

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, DomesticAbuse, Heartbreak, Lonely, Singlemum

Rollercoaster

Posted on by KerryLouise

It really is a rollercoaster of emotions. I still can’t get it out my head, I’m sure I’m not expected too either. I felt good this morning. I read a lot of my old blogs and reminded me of all the pain he put me through. I sure as hell know this is the only way to get my life back. Then I started to feel like I missed him this evening, that addiction was coming back. So much I want to say to him but it was always so pointless anyway. His mother really has fucked it with me too. How dare she do what she did!! Over some clothes ?? I planned to send pictures of baby through the post, keep in contact that way until I was strong enough to be involved with them again. No way now. No way!! I understand blood is thicker than water but she had no reason to get involved. My parents haven’t and he deserves it! Ironic since he always used to tell me how embarrassing I was that I spoke to people. Whose the embarrassment now?! I sleep knowing I haven’t done anything wrong, this will eat her up for the rest of her life knowing she raised a monster. She raised an animal who has no boundaries and no respect. I’m sure she’ll have plenty more grandchildren the way he puts it about! Disgusting! Shameful!

Even though I have read a lot about narcissists it still doesn’t make sense. I still fail to get my head around it. I did blame myself a lot, and I appreciate I hurt him but his behaviour is not a reflection on that. His chose shotting drugs over me, over me and his daughter! That’s what it all boils down too.

I’m fucking fabulous and he’s a fucking fool! He will hurt more than me, for the rest of his life. I go from love and sad to hate and disgust determined to make him pay. He’ll play the victim though of course he will, his next target, his next supply he’ll use the sob story of his bitter baby mum that stopped him from seeing his child. Failing to leave out the daily insults, the daily disrespect, the bruises, the lies and the fact I loved him with all my heart. I just got pushed far far too much, I needed out. I needed to breathe. How can he hold me so tight one minute, be so sure that he could die for me, adamant that the love is insane then the next minute make me feel like I’m nothing. Flip on me without even so much as a warning! What did I do to deserve it?

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Sleepless nights are the worst …

Posted on by KerryLouise

When will this end? All I can think about tonight is the situation .. I was so tired earlier and as soon as I try and sleep it’s bam!! Him!! What is wrong with me?

I wonder what he’s thinking, I wonder what’s going to happen next, I imagine how I’d react if he has another baby. I get annoyed that he may potentially never realise the damage he has caused. If I get the injunction it’s only a year and then what ?! It could only be 6 months. I’m not sure that is long enough, would I fall straight back into his trap should this happen.

I wish he would move away. I wish the police would do their fucking job and catch him for drug dealing. If he was locked up then I could heal better. I wouldn’t have to worry about where he is, what he’s doing and whether I will bump into him whilst I’m out. Just being in Asda earlier I felt sketchy and on edge. I cannot explain enough how just seeing him will put me back! He’d put on the charm, he’d beg and he would plead. Or would he? Maybe this time he’s actually feeling genuine hate for me?! Why does that even bother me!

Now I am standing on the outside I realise more and more really how abusive he is. It frustrates me that I ever gave him ammunition to throw back at me. How different would it have been if I hadn’t of? He would have still carried on drug dealing, that’s in his blood, although he says he wouldn’t have. He still would have cheated, again he denies but he cheated before he even went to jail so that’s still inevitable. He still shows true traits of someone who suffers with narcissistic personality disorder and I’m realising this more and more each day. Memes across Instagram highlight the things I could not deal with on a daily basis. I found my self explaining basic elements of human respect to a full grown adult. He never saw a problem with not being contactable or going AWOL telling me that he is a grown up man and can do what he likes. He used my emotions against me, emotions he intentionally provoked yet cussed and teased at how over sensitive I was. If he promised a meal out and then last minute he said no, instead of consoling my hurt he would explain that my attitude is exactly why he doesn’t want to be around me. Then he would never listen to me, I don’t remember the last time we had a proper conversation. Most probably when he was in prison. Narcissists are so self centred that even though they claim to be interested they don’t listen to anything you have to tell them. If a question was asked he’d ask me to repeat what I said and he never had a real interest in my life. Not really! He’d easily go long lengths of time not asking how I am, and if I didn’t text first he was quick to say how he hadn’t heard from me all day. If I didn’t reply to him then again I would be questioned but it was always ok for him. He was aggressive in nature when he wanted to be, if something wasn’t going his way he would sit me down and talk at me like I was a child. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was fabricated and not sincere. He’s spoke for months about how he’s getting his driving licence sorted, he would try and make me feel like ‘I was going to miss out on change’ explaining that he had work lined up.

I couldn’t rely on him. I was a full single mum dealing with the stresses of a relationship. He would say he wants to bath baby and put her to bed but turn up at 11pm. I would ask him to watch her whilst I went out and he said that he didn’t know. Times he did say yes he would use it as an element of control, if I breathed too deeply then it was his green card to say ‘find someone else.’ Every single bit about the relationship was truly awful.

He’d blame me for the fact we did nothing together, yet that was all his doing. I would hear him deal drugs whilst I was on the phone to him and he’d just hang up without a second thought. He’d tell me to ring back in 5 minutes and not answer in 40. His timing was ALWAYS horrific! Even right at the start. You don’t tell someone you’ll be 5 minutes and be 5 hours, you just don’t.

What am I worrying about? What do I fear! I know I do not want him, I know I will meet someone else who will show me exactly how a relationship should be. I KNOW for certain he won’t be no saint for any woman and it’s them that can deal with the shit and not me! He’s already disrespected this one by sleeping with me, and texts on his phone showed he asked another girl out for a drink. He would have disappeared for days at a time from her too especially when he had no phone so more fool her for not getting out sooner. He’ll get bored of her soon, he’ll bide his time for a bit whilst he’s trying to move in and then he’ll not give her a second thought. Narcissists don’t!

You really cannot trust ANYONE who can kiss you whilst you’re sleeping and whisper ‘I love you so much’ whilst knowing what I was accusing him of was true. Look me in my eyes and hold me so I can’t go, feeding me lie after lie after lie. Believing his own lies.

There’s clearly nothing wrong with me, it’s him!

Posted in Uncategorized

Positive positive ! 

Posted on by KerryLouise


I realised last night how negative my blog always is. It’s true from what my midwife says that people only tend to blog when things are bad.

I promised myself today I would have a better day. I didn’t sleep too well though and I was already stressed out before 11am when my daughter wouldn’t get dressed! I have no energy and I struggle with simple tasks. Dominic tells me I need to take it more easy but I don’t actually even do a lot , just getting ready I struggle. 

I felt better by about 1am and agreed to go into town with my mum sister niece and daughter. I got a new dress to wear for Sunday (my baby shower) nothing fancy but at least I have something. Then I sat in a deckchair at the market square artificial beach with the girls whilst mum and sis went off shopping.


Tonight me and my friend decided to take the next step in trying to get in touch with a life long friend who has cut us off for the past 2/3 months. Basically back in May this particular friend came to mine at 3am and made a statement to the police about her ‘boyfriend’ of two years. The statement was horrific, the violence that girl had endured made me physically sick. I knew the relationship was toxic but ALOT more went on than she ever made out. She was sorry, she was thankful for us being there and she felt ashamed for not getting away sooner. Only days later it came to light she retracted her statement and then decided she didn’t want our friendship anymore. Without explanation she cut us off and got back with him. We’ve been friends since we were 11 years old!! 

Tonight we went to speak to her mum, we are too good of friends to accept that that is it. She’s back with an abusive man and what’s more WHEN it goes wrong again she has no one! Her mum didn’t have a clue, she knew the police were involved but she assumed she has got away. She was very thankful we had told her and she said how she is lucky to have friends like us but is biding her time to talk it all out with her until after her brothers wedding. 

She messaged us both via a group on whatsapp since and has basically told us she is thankful for us being there but she just wants to put everything behind her. We’ve questioned why that means we can’t be friends still and she’s just chosen to ignore us again. It does hurt, I miss her loads but I do go through days where I think ‘selfish stubborn bitch’ to other days where I think ‘she needs us, she’s confused vulnerable and unsure.’ We still can’t give up though, no way. 

My positives for today :

  • Our friend actually communicating. Saying ‘thankyou’ when we said hope she was ok and she did also say ‘hope you’re ok too’. This is progress from having no response from a text and she even hung up on my friend too! 
  • My top picture is a snap of what my nan had made for me. How cute!! So much stuff there that I will need for my baby. I can pack my hospital bags now, seems so real! 
  • I saw on a baby group how women feel upset about their men who are not interested in their bump at all. I don’t have that problem. Dominic talks to her, kisses my bump, loves feeling her move, tries to wake her up and will talk about his love for her. Ok he can be bloody selfish, and can say hurtful things but he is also very very loving. I guess I should give him more praise for that. PLUS he was actually on time today!! SHOCK!! 

Even though everything isn’t resolved with said friend as explained with my positive point 1, I can feel content this evening that we made progress. 

I go to sleep feeling happy … I just hope these restless legs don’t disturb my sleep too much tonight ! 

Posted in Uncategorized

I’ve had my christmas present

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s Christmas Eve, I saw my gorgeous man earlier, the only present I need and I am more in love than I ever thought possible. I wish he was here now, I wish I could feel his warmth and his kisses and hear his laugh in my ear. I so very much long for just one evening with him. Of course I miss the sex but I miss his presence more. We had such a lovely visit, despite the delay due to an ‘issue’ on the wing… yeah right, the rude comment made by a ‘screw’ and the end which kept me locked in for 25 minutes. Putting all that aside it was lovely, and I count myself lucky I have met my soul mate and nothing could ever break us now. Would we be this strong if this hadn’t of happened?! No I don’t think so. In fact I know so. This has shown us both how in love with are. Its so real.

This evening I crashed a little, PVB kicked in. Post Visit Blues can last weeks, believe me, and I am hoping this is not the case this time round. I wished he was at my parents house with me earlier, I wish he was going to be with me tomorrow too. This isn’t a normal christmas in a relationship but then whats to say is normal? I had my sister earlier crying because her boyfriend had gone to the pub and he makes her miserable, one of my best friends texting me saying she had seen pictures on her partners phone of his ex wife and son, then two of my other good friends are in really crappy relationships and not seeing their ‘men’ over christmas at all! Looking at all these scenerios I know what I would rather, yes we may be apart now but it will not be forever. It’s just one christmas too afterall, this time next year his tag will be off and he’ll be here with me now probably getting drunk over a bottle of rum.  OMG I cannot wait. I will spend the rest of my life with this man, we spoke of marriage, babies, the future. I would never have been so sure about that if it wasn’t for this prison sentence.

It is the best thing that could have happened to us.

Posted in Uncategorized

Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!