Tag: health

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Reminding myself …

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today is a weird fucking day.. felt anxious and weird for most of it! It didn’t help that I fell asleep early last night and woke up unable to sleep until like 2am! 5:45am my alarm was set and just got back in at 9:45pm!! Day in London on a course for work, traffic was crazy on the way home which saw a junction be completely closed. Toooo much thinking time!

I found out the police are still doing their investigations. Surely this means they believe there is something there? Or is it just their obligation to follow up a complaint. The DCI was meant to call me on Sunday and find out my thoughts if I still wanted to go ahead, she didn’t call but is still investigating. Ahh I feel so sick and so anxious. On the one hand I feel relieved that something is being done, someone is taking me seriously and actually glad that something CAN be done with regards to the law. This time last year even longer ago I never thought it would be taken so seriously.

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I re-listened to 4 voice recordings I had on my phone. I often recorded him to prove to him that his behaviour was unacceptable, or I would listen to them when I questioned myself. I’m gutted I only have 4, there has been many more from earlier on but since he’s smashed so many phones it’s deleted that evidence. One of the first ones I did he was telling me ‘I hate you’ and ‘you make me sick’ so cold, nasty and cruel. Screaming how I had a choice and should of not stayed with him whilst he was in jail. There’s was screams of Courtney shouting ‘get off my mummy’ and he would just continue verbally attacking me. This one particular incident I remember managing to leave the house, I had Courtney with me too. Fuck sake forgot my car key!! He chased me up the road with no shoes on, screaming at me how I was making a scene and that he only cared about the thing in my stomach. Someone who knew me from doing my promotional work saw me and asked if I needed a lift anywhere. A neighbour then saw his volatile behaviour and began screaming out his window ‘get off her.’ It was INSANE! I just thought it was because he was drunk. If only I still had that one as evidence now.

It’s mad how much I STILL have to remind myself !! HE WAS ABUSIVE he emotionally TORTURED me and I mean that from every bone in my body. The times when he was bad I could have easily smashed my own head in just to STOP him going on, gone even worse than that time I cut myself. The times he disappeared I would rather of been dead than carrying his baby, so so scared of what she was being born in to. Then when he disappeared when she was born I never ever ever felt so low, unloved, unappreciated and like a worthless piece of shit than how he made me feel! NOBODY should EVER make anyone feel like that, that is abuse in itself, to feel like they would rather be dead that have to continue living a life with a certain person. I guess from this it may seem insanely crazy as to why I even entertained him anymore, should have cut him off way way sooner BUT with this harm obviously came the charm. His manipulation made me forget the pain he caused, made it seem like no big deal. His promises ALWAYS seemed sincere and it was a LOT easier to accept his apologies than not! I blamed myself, I felt like it wasn’t his fault .. you name it I thought it. Even now I think ‘it’s not his fault’ he’s just been bought up that way, BUT whoever’s fault it is …. it certainly wasn’t mine!

From the 4 voice recordings I picked out ALL forms of abuse.

Gaslighting – Telling me something didn’t happen when I KNOW it did. He didn’t just say it once though.. oh no he continued and continued … and continued to discredit me. Tell me I can’t accept when I’m wrong and that there is no way this said thing happened. Thing is any NORMAL person would say ‘sorry babe you must have misunderstood me’ … not him … I was a liar and anything else which the argument veered off too.

Projection – he accuses me of things HES guilty off. Saying to me that I’m like talking to a brick wall, I never listen to him. Mentioned how I never go out with him anymore, (because he’s never around!) I just listen to it and shake my head thinking ‘that’s what you do!! Not me’

Verbal abuse – he said he hates me, that I make him feel sick. I piss him off and act dumb. He mimics my crying and says how all I do is play the victim. That it’s all crocodile tears and no one feels sorry for me. He goes on and on about how it’s really sad that he can’t talk to me and that as the mother of his child he should be able to talk to me about anything (funny how he doesn’t see that the same should go for me)

Physical abuse- although in these recordings he doesn’t hit me! He flicks my ears when he is telling me I don’t listen. He’s sitting very close to me to which I say ‘why are you sitting so close to me’ and he punches his hands in rage all very intimidating and all abusive!

Sexual abuse – despite our sex life being probably the reason the drug is so addictive and at times was literally incredible. There were times I didn’t want it, whether because my children were in the room (that time was shocking – at his mums house) or I was busy, tired or I just did not know where else he had been. However he wouldn’t take no very well. I was either told things like ‘don’t want your dead sex anyway’ and tell me some other personal stuff that I nearly wrote but can’t bring myself too. Any recent conflict would be bought up to have a row, he’d tell me that clearly I couldn’t keep up with his sex drive (which is laughable!!) or that he should just go and pull anyone. He would say things like ‘can’t believe my own woman won’t give me sex’ and just anything really. Tell me is it any wonder he would go elsewhere and make up ficstiousis or ‘real’ women he was going to go on a date with. It would be all that or just one hell of a strop. In fact the FIRST ever time I called the police on him was because he turned so nasty BECAUSE I wouldn’t sleep with him. Let’s not forget I had caught him cheating AGAIN and my eldest daughter was off school sick AND I had a boiler repair man in my flat and the disgusting creature wanted sex! Saying no to him then and the repercussions of that was enough for me to call the police to get him removed from my flat. I couldn’t take anymore. Well I messaged my sister on fb to do it because he hid my phone!! I had a massive bruise on my leg that time from a previous incident, and he was locked up. Despite bail he still came straight to me, I let him in as he told me he would tell me where my phone was. Like a cruel game he had me searching round the flat, ‘I put it in the washing bin’ , ‘I put it under the mattress’ .. none of the places were correct but he got off by watching me hunt and beg for the location. He again that night even said sorry and because I said ‘too late’ he assaulted me again before he left. Pushed me so I hit my head on the radiator and I still was without my phone. The voice recordings didn’t show any of that but he did make an awful comment about how he only came to me to ‘get his leg up’, he honestly sees women as objects at times. It’s vile. The other 80% of the time in the sex department he was the most loving, most affectionate, charming, beautiful, emotive person ever. I just had to be prepared if I ever said no. Then the abuse started.

Talks to me like a child- I can’t believe how much it clearly shows from the recordings that he speaks to me like a child. There is no two way conversation. He tells me off , he sits me down and makes me listen. He tries to tell me how I won’t ever learn, asks how old I am and that I will always have these problems with any other man unless I listen. I often tell him he talks AT me rather than with me. He doesn’t get the difference, now mate , that’s what is ‘sad’ not your assumption that you can’t talk with me! The fact you have no idea how to address the mother of your child!

He calls me ungrateful for suggesting I needed to buy a bag and I couldn’t wait for the one he was going to buy me (a narc loves a fantasy that never materialises). Ungrateful ?? Hmmm says him for living in a property rent free for months!

Tells me off that the baby bottles are not clean but when I go to wash up he stops me by saying I don’t wash up properly.

He stopped me from leaving my house in what I was wearing. Denies he stopped me, denies that it is control. Completely adamant he’s never stopped my free will GASLIGHTING GASLIGHTING! He’s done it fucking LOADS of times whether that’s by hiding my keys or physically not letting me leave. This time he did both. He was so sure my jumpsuit was too short. That it wasn’t control, but he was teaching me to have self worth and respect. That how our girls watch everything we do and will copy (pot kettle black!) so it’s wrong for me to wear a short outfit in 29 degrees but ok for you to be physically intimidating in front of our baby because she may not have self respect when she’s older! Hmmm! He goes on I’m not a proper lady apparently and I beg for attention. He still to this day does not see this as control!!! Just help and guidance! The man is deluded!!

I could go on! I really fucking could … but I’ve satisfied myself again. He’s an abusive asshole with an extreme narcissist personality disorder. He deserves everything he gets since he has made me feel so worthless without a care in his world so so so sooooo many times! He only ‘cares’ when something is effecting him! That’s when he fake cares, his sorry’s and his promises come out in full force.

I wish he wasn’t this way, I really really do. My illusion of him is still what makes it hurt so bad. The fake dream he sold me – (yet I was always the one who sold him a fake dream lol- projection.)

He was my soul mate, a piece of my world and he crumbled that all with his bare hands. It will take time. ALL I want to finish this post off with is … ‘I miss him!’ I know how crazy that sounds!!!

7 days narc CLEAN!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

Party Day !!

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tonight is my birthday party that I’m having with my sister. I can’t wait to dress up and drink and have some fun!!

It’s now day 4 with no contact at all (again) and when things are drama free, calm and tranquil it’s bloody confusing for me! It feels alien and it’s these early stages is where that hits me the most. I have been talking to a guy who via the phone and texts it got me excited. Not necessary with him but the fact that there are men out there who have great conversation, can be good looking, not show any red flag signs and be interested in me! I met with him last night and a major problem is I just don’t really fancy him… my mind just ticks back and thinks of the very person I shouldn’t be thinking about. He’s normal, he has a good job, he gets life yet I simply just don’t see it going anywhere. Women must be programmed wrong I swear … well some women! My friend was texting me last night, she had lined up 2 dates in 1 night, her baby was born in February. She hasn’t had as much crap as me but she defo has had her fair share with the father of her baby. The first date she simply said was too nice and the 2nd was an hour late meeting her. Which one does she want?? Yep the arsehole!

Times like this it’s important I remind myself exactly how bad it was. How bad he was. The above meme summed up every day of my life in one way or another, from the minor ‘I didn’t say that’ to the ‘You drove me to it.’ Seeing memes like this really help my understanding of it. When trying to explain emotional abuse it is very very difficult to someone who doesn’t understand. The violence yes, no one can tolerate but it’s the emotional abuse that cuts deeper and is harder to explain. If it’s through tears then it feels warranted, not crying and showing strength the explanations seem minor and I start doubting myself again (He’s helped with that over the years). Was it even that bad!? Maybe I did over react. But YES it really really was that bad!

Posted in DomesticAbuse

The time has come ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I just got the phone call. He’s in custody, he’s been arrested and he’s about to go in for interview. I feel sick.

Monday night my baby woke up at 11pm and by 2:30am I was so beside myself with tiredness and anger I called him to release that stress. It helped, he took everything I said and offered to come and help with the baby. I was so so tired but I knew that couldn’t happen. I was awful to him telling him how much I hated him for everything he’s done, how he’s going to live a miserable life and whatever else I felt appropriate. All he said what that he loved me and agreed he’s been an awful person. I broke the seal again and felt the need to update him the next day too. All I hear is how much he loves me, how much he was just stuck in his ways and that he’ll do everything to be a good father. Understands he’s lost me but believes he has what it takes to put it right?! I categorically do not believe this is the case but in years to come and these feelings have diminished then what! Will I be a fool and get caught up again? I just can’t I really can’t! I HOPE I can get to a place where I’m just not interested at all but how does someone get there ?! He’s a part of me, we’ve gone through so so much and my beautiful baby is a product of him! I pity him, I feel sorry for him, I don’t want to see him suffer, he’s not cared about me but I can’t help that I care. How does someone stop caring?!

I look at my beautiful baby and she has no idea what is happening. Her daddy who she loves so much is in a police cell, a cell for what he did to her mummy. If only it ended there, but it won’t. I’ll be expected to go to court. How the hell do I get through that? My friend had to do this just a few weeks back after a very violent attack with her partner. He beat her hard, sliced her finger with a knife to the point where she needed an operation, he has history of domestic violence where he’s served prison time before and he got a measly 2 and a half years! The defence called my friend a liar and she said it was awful! I can’t do that, I just can’t. Difference is she NEVER has to see him again, I do and I want too. I want my baby to know who he is, she deserves that and when my daughter has a mind of her own I can’t still be so hung up on this situation that I’m bitter and unsupportive of her. I witnessed that with my mum, 25 years on and she will avoid anywhere my dad will be. Teenage girls are hard, what if she uses it against me, blames me for not having a relationship with her dad, blames her self because it was the pregnancy that sent everything so crazy, or what if she leaves me to go be with her dad. My ex mother in law lost her daughter for a few years and that would KILL me! I’m not just thinking about me , I’m thinking practically. If he went to prison for this then all the above could happen if he gets found not guilty that would question everything I believe it.

What the actual fuck do I do ??

The DCI is going to update me after his interview ..

Posted in DomesticAbuse, single mum, singlemum, Singlemum

Seeing things more clearly ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I’ve had a good day and I’m even feeling ok about being alone tonight. I went into town earlier and I bought a few items. Crazy how just shopping can bring back nasty vile memories of the man I was insanely in love with.

Bin bags! Yes bin bags … I remember buying a cheaper brand and they weren’t very good. Despite explaining that he should put less rubbish in them, every single time he realised it was a crap bin bag I was blamed for buying cheap shit. Huffing and puffing and aggressive in nature whilst he spills rubbish all over the floor. Even if he wasn’t directly blaming me he sure as hell did a good job in indirectly making me feel like I had done something wrong yet again! Same with washing up gloves, they were thrown in the bin for being disgusting and he often told me I couldn’t wash up. I didn’t ever do it right. Then when the washing up built up he would scream out that clearly he’s the only one who ever washes up around here. Anything he could find to abuse me he would.

I also bought baby a pumpkin outfit for Halloween. It’s just a bit of fun. Last year I bought her a witch outfit, phoning her dad to tell him was never my intention to end in a row. I was screamed at for never listening to him and that his daughter can’t celebrate Halloween. He told me to get off his fucking phone and somehow the conversation developed into a slamming match regarding me not putting him on her birth certificate. A new mum excited about a little outfit I had bought ended in tears pain and anger. Everything that reminds me of him is literally poison. Any happy memory will also correlate with a bad one. Why did I put up with it so much??

I had a conversation with a graphic designer today, I am really excited about my book. I actually spoke to her about my situation without any tears. This is so positive. I am healing!

Posted in Abuse, relationships, alone, cheat, court, Deceit, DomesticAbuse, Girltalk, Heartbreak, Women

Escaping from Pathological Liars…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Join my group I mean it this time!

The most damaging of all the abuse is the lies. Every one tells small white lies but a pathological liar will tell a lie even when the truth isn’t something that would get him into trouble.

A pathological liar would say they had been to Costa for a coffee but in fact had a milkshake from McDonald’s. They will lie about anything they can get away with. I still remember my mind early on thinking ‘that doesn’t add up’ and ‘that doesn’t make sense’ but the lie was so small it didn’t seem to matter. Now I know this is a major red flag!

Last month on his birthday for instance he had our daughter and he said he was on the way to me and I should wait for him at home. 10 minutes he would be , 30 minutes went by and he said he was in the car. ‘You don’t sound like you’re in a car’ I say, a pathological liar will then react in an abusive way once he has been found out. The conversation gets heated, where he’s protecting his lie and finally he says ‘no you’re right I had to pull over because she had an explosion in her nappy.’ I ended up going to him and picking up my daughter to realise later there is no way her nappy had just been changed. A bizarre lie, unnecessary, he was where he said he was, just not in a car. It made no odds to me as I wanted to go to the supermarket anyway just unnecessary arguments because of the lies. Just why lie??? The truth was ok!

He lies to everyone, I see it constantly. Usually about where he is at any given time when he’s meant to be somewhere else. August for his sisters birthday was a particularly bad weekend. The best lie to his own mother ‘yes mum I’m just at MK station.’ The boy wasn’t even dressed! He was so set on trying to convince me that ‘he loved me’ and ‘he was going to put everything right’ he was in absolutely no rush at all to go see his family. Not caring about the fact he was already almost 24 hours late.

I can honestly say I have found the lying the most damaging. The bruises heal, the names he calls me are wiped away when he’s on his ‘nice’ side and I actually think how laughable some of it is. But the lies are damaging, destructive, evil and hard to explain. They make you feel like you are going mad! MAD! They believe their own lies they just must do. They will grab you and look deep into your soul, enough so you question everything you know. You question your own integrity, even question your own sanity. It’s so fucking powerful you have no choice.

Mainly the most destructive lies are that around his infidelity. Narcissists have a habit of promising you the world, they live in their own fantasy and often may well believe what they are saying. Even after you discover the truth they lie some more going between each woman manipulating both, making them believe they are the ‘chosen one.’ Like some sick love triangle that feeds into his ego and hurts and destroys in the process.

Since June of this year (just 6 weeks after we got back together) I have been telling him I do not want to be with him. The abusive behaviour was returning, he was drug dealing constantly, no plans to get a job (no real ones just lies) and his behaviours were reminding me of all the deceit I endured previously! I deserved better and I know longer was desperate for our family.

I needed out.

An abuser can’t bear that fact and begins his lies ‘all this is for you’, ‘I went to the job centre this week’, ‘it’s going to end next week when I have someone to cover me’, ‘I’m making enough money to set us up’, and ‘I can treat you like the Queen you deserve.’ They live in a fantasy world!! I do not KNOW the amount of times he’s had his car theory test booked, or how many times he’s seen probation and they have Work lined up. His favourite is ‘I’ll have some money for you next week.’ He hasn’t of course, they are all lies! All a control tactic so you will keep the communication up, knowing I would ring him asking for that money he promised.

Rather than just accepting I wanted to be on my own and not be with him he explains he will give me space. He carries on asking ‘how’s my beautiful wife’ , ‘I can’t lose you’ and ‘I’m going to prove it to you.’ ‘No way is this it’ he screams. I feel trapped, I still have someone who I am in love with (addicted to) promising me all this and it’s all part of his abusive cycle. Like a vodka bottle screaming drink me and it’s impossible to get out of.

“I know I don’t have a future with him, I don’t know how to get out of it and at that point all I know is I WILL.”

He rarely came by to see baby and it’s all about me, and that is where I am weak. There shouldn’t be no half way relationship (this is how it came to blows before) I made my decision and I should have stuck with it. Going along with it just seemed the easier option. Screams of ‘You are my woman’ or ‘you can meet someone else now you slag’, the first was less tiring. It was easier to just accept it, not make any issues. If I acted cold or said ‘we are not together’, he would get angry, violent, nasty and actually quite scary.

Cutting contact completely seemed too extreme and his manipulation made me fear the repercussions of that. He’s clever really. Not now though he really has pushed me too far. My daughter is NOT being exposed to his lies.

Hearing how he was going to show me what I mean to him repeatedly caused more pain when he just didn’t. Broken promises hurt. Everyone wants to hear the things he was saying and to then just deceive me is so painful. One particular evening when he was telling me all day he was coming to see me and how he he couldn’t wait. He was so excited apparently and I was not given a choice but to allow him this time. I ended up packing up all his stuff and it was in the bathroom for weeks. Middle of August it was, we had standard conversations throughout the day where he would keep saying ‘I’m going to be an hour’ .. 11am eventually turned into ‘I will be 20 minutes baby’ at 6pm and he just never showed. What kind of vile psychotic animal does that? All night I was ringing his phone and the reminders of HOW many times he put me through this previously. It’s sick, twisted, disrespectful, damaging and totally unforgivable.

He was with someone else. It was obvious and I am not stupid!! Of course he denied it and even though now I 100% know different he still will never admit! We’ve been here before! I was abused for ever suggesting it. I was the one saying sorry. After this occasion he even got our social worker in on his lies, she past on his messages ‘he will do what it takes to be a family.’ Always making promises he had no intention to keep.

He had his chance to leave me alone. He had his chances to just be a father without coming by feeling entitled to my body. Now he has ruined that.

How does someone get over all the lying? It is scary how well he lies. For weeks I’ve been saying how fucking obvious it has been, it’s him all over, he doesn’t have a home, when I’m pushing him away he needs another supply. He managed to get away with it for so long because I barely ring him. He’s come by stinking when he needs a shower. Like honestly. He’s not showering 4-5 days and shows up absolutely stinking. The empath in me lets him in ‘ I need you’, ‘I’ve been hurt’ alongside some fabricated story about a fight he’s had, ‘all I’ve been thinking about is you.’ Of course at 1 o’clock in the morning I can hardly say no, this particular time was early September, the next morning I got a punch in my leg for not ‘caring enough’. See how quick these cycles were. Crazy!

More recently I’ve got more angry with him, when he wasn’t around my mind would be going over and over. Second guessing EVERYTHING he’s ever said, remembering the times he lied before and when the truth was revealed he didn’t even seem bothered. A normal person feels embarrassed when lies are revealed, not a person like him. He believes it his right to lie, there’s a reason and it isn’t that bad anyway. He then expects trust like it’s a given right!

At these times he tells me I’m abusive to him. I probably am. Telling him I hate him daily, how disgusting he is, cheating and lying constantly. He would flip back and say worse but then quickly be so desperate for us to not argue. He definitely could realise he was losing control, so would switch on the charm (lovebombing.)

“Baby I’ve treated you so bad, I understand why you feel like this” and “I’m going to help you” and “you are my fucking world. I can’t even look at another woman.” He was so set on making out that it’s just my insecurities this time because of his previous track record I actually believe him. I believe that ‘he didn’t know what he had to lose last time.’ I believe when he’s around because he’s a a clever good liar. When I’m not wrapped up with his lies and charms my gut knows.. underneath I’m not as stupid as I’ve appeared to be for nearly 2 years. I’m not!

A pathological liar will not change, they only get found out by someone close to them. Psychologists have often said that it is in fact a mental disorder which begins from someone with such low self esteem they are hell bent on bringing others down and making themselves seem more attractive to everyone around them. When he can talk about a job lined up or his driving test booked or another favourite of his ‘I’ve bought you (or baby) something.’ Interesting when said thing never showed, it is then another lie as to why. It’s a complicated spiral web of manipulation and it’s fucking difficult to escape.

To everyone and anyone who will listen I am the liar, and oh they will believe him. They have no reason to not when he’s this much of a liar, it’s the way he gets through life.

He may be a good liar …. but he will be found out!

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Singlemum, Uncategorized

9 days to GOOO!!

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s after midnight so i could technically say 8 even, although I’m pretty sure she won’t be coming early. With scan bringing me forward anyway by 4 days and well just my luck really to end up going over and have to be induced. 23rd September is my date for that joyous event, so any thing between now and then is just a waiting game.

I haven’t wrote in a good while. To be honest I feared this blog would turn into just one big moan and whinge about my relationship. It would highlight things that I really needed to do and I wasn’t quite ready. I even still don’t want to go in to everything because that isn’t why I started this blog but I need to get this down. We’ve been through a lot as a couple, a prison sentence being the main obstacle, then upon his release I got pregnant very quickly. It hasn’t been enjoyable at all and I am half the person I was this time last year. Well double in terms of weight of course.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt on numerous occasions, numerous being an understatement! Yet he’s persistently treated me badly with disappearing acts, being unreachable, going out for an hour and ending up a drunken mess at my door at 4/5/6am. His attitude has stank and more often than that he blames me for everything. Despite me being completely honest about a man I met during his prison sentence, and him even knowing before he came out he still told me he meant everything he said whilst inside. I was his world, he wanted to marry me and other things he promised. It didn’t last long, I’ve listened to how I don’t deserve to be treated well because of what I did to him and how I’m a slag basically. Unforgivable words if I’m completely honest and they still play on my mind now.

What has made this all the more difficult is that after every argument, every disappearing act, or times he has been mentally vile to me I get the real nice side. He’s sorry, he can’t lose me (I’ve begged for him to let me go) , he’s going to change, it won’t ever happen again…. and rather than us taking some time apart to start again within minutes he’s forgotten exactly what he’s done and said and we go back to the nice normal. Until the next episode that is… which is never long! Now I’m no angel, I don’t pretend to be… he says these things… I see red. I use words to hurt him back and it’s just been completely toxic. He’s just betrayed me so much, can’t hold a job down and I fear he will end up back in jail and that is something I put my complete faith into not doing when I stuck by him. I’ve supported him as much as physically possibly but he throws it back in my face.

I also hold my hands up I’ve been weak, he’s made me feel so low, SO SO low but due to the situation (mainly me being pregnant) when he’s making it up to me I have to embrace it to cling on to that happiness. The love is still insane, I’m sure anyone from the outside can tell me why put up with all that ? But when you love someone THIS much you cling on to every word and believe them and even at the times I HATE him … like hate him so much I just want to protect him and try and guide him. It’s a mess, I wish I hadn’t met him at times, I’ve often thought ‘what the hell have I done’ in terms of the pregnancy and I hate how he’s made me feel, but then on the other side he’s my best friend. He does have such a good heart and no one has ever made me feel as loved as he has. The extremes are too much.

It has made no sense why he would spend the hours talking to me, always getting to the ‘root’ of the problem for it to just happen again and before we know it were having the same chat again. I honestly believe him leaving me would have been easier. Yes hurt at first but this constant up then heartbreak, has broken me. Each time he does something it breaks my heart a little more. Since 2013 (when I’ve met him) during his arrest, court case, prison sentence and now this I could easily go the rest of my life without a single tear. I’ve cried enough!

Anyway more recently enough has been enough, we are apart. To be honest weekends feel no different as he barely spent any with me anyway, he’d tell me he would but then get ‘tied up’ and stumble in at stupid o clock often me being awake all night. Half expecting him to try tomorrow morning, he did last Saturday morning. Putting my buzzer on private doesn’t work, he just throws things at my window to either wake me up or get my attention. I then let him in like a weak fool!

I know many men can go crazy when girlfriends/wives get pregnant, we are also a massive exception to any rule since we’ve had no time to be ‘US’. He got his freedom back, I lost mine…. he’s taken full advantage that he knows I’m not going anywhere and I’m wondering if all this is even something I can forgive?!

His promises has now changed to when baby is here, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN. I will see how he is when she is here, if he continues like this he does not deserve a relationship with this baby. He will say I’m bitter and using her against him, I say it’s me protecting my daughter from a man who may or may not be in her life or it is as when he chooses. Babies don’t need part time dads who want to be out on road all the time, or partying all weekend, or even risking their freedom, they need stability, love and lots of involvement!

In terms of our relationship, this week he has been a bit colder. Hasn’t been his usual self in trying to ‘make it up to me’, he’s taken a step back but he still stands by that he wants me, he wants us to try. We haven’t spoke in great detail, but has made comments about how I’m crazy. Does he still fail to see that it’s been him? Treat me like this… I get crazy…. It’s not rocket science.

I go from wanting him so bad to thinking I just possibly couldn’t forgive him for all what has happened. Knowing his charm though I think as long as he does change and do as he says when she’s here then he’ll have me smitten again. I am ADAMANT in the fact that anymore of this fuckery then it’s over. I love him, but I love myself and my baby girls more. Only so many life lines you can give someone and it won’t be long until I’m back to the old confident me and it will be him who wakes up and realises what he has done. Maybe not in a few weeks but one day. Everyone who knows the situation (not many) but they all say the same…. including his mother. He won’t get better than me, and even if I do see him with someone else… I’ll know she’ll just be putting up with the same shit I did and honestly if he couldn’t be a better man for me and his daughter he won’t do it for anyone.

It’s so hard admitting you was wrong about someone, or even admitting that the man you were so in love with could possibly treat you like this during pregnancy. I’ve often felt ashamed, felt like maybe it was me, felt like an idiot for even getting pregnant by such a douche in the first place and seriously NO ONE has known how bad its been…. NO ONE!

What doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger and ok I didn’t plan my life to be single with two children by two different dads but that does not mean I can’t find happiness one day. Definitely put off men for a long long time though, and pregnancy well NO WAY! Just NO!! I’ll have my two girls, I have my independence and I have my career and life to focus on. I’m 30, it’s still young really. It’s going to be ok.

 

 

Posted in pregnancy, pregnant, relationships, Uncategorized

40 days to go! 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Mood: Irritable as hell 

Seriously I’ve been in a foul mood today! Foul! The boyfriend doesn’t help because he rises to it, and makes it worse. Why can’t he just understand that days like today .. ‘I’m allowed to be this way!’ Courtney was a good girl all day, it’s just the evening she becomes a bit much sometimes and I am out of breath with the amount of times I’ve screamed at her to tidy her room! 

The boy did start the painting and I didn’t even have to say anything, only had the paint 3 weeks like. I did moan at him for using my brand new towel to kneel on though and also pointed out the paint on the floor. I wish I could bite my tongue and not interfere but I can’t help it. But with me and him it’s fire with fire , instead of him saying ‘sorry babe here’s your towel’ and ‘the paint won’t stay there I’ll get it up’ it’s ‘I’ll just buy a new towel’ and ‘it’s straight enough’ ‘the floor is dirty anyway’ and ‘I don’t have to do this you know.’ 

Just accept I’m heavily pregnant, accept I’m going to moan and we can all just get on with it. I’m also a woman… It’s inevitable we will get involved! 

I also do not know HOW many times I’ve explained to him what ‘Rennie’ is … Ok I buy morrisons own indigestion tablets (cheaper) so it doesn’t actually say Rennie on the packet but neither do the Co Co Pops in my kitchen. Aldi own brand have some other name for them, but we all still call them Co Co Pops right ?! OK this all sounds so stupid but it’s bloody infuriating when he acts stupid and can’t pass me a pissing indigestion tablet without a row!! Especially since I get through about 6 a day sometimes more !! 

Motivation for anything has been lacked today. I need to get to the post office. Register the business. Start my independent project and complete a training document for a volunteer role. I only left the house to take Courtney to her swimming lesson and that was a mission. The walk used to take me 5 minutes now it’s closer to 15 and it’s hell!! I should get back on my iron tablets. Only myself to blame. 

When Courtney is in bed and the boyfriend is at work I finally feel peace … I enjoy ‘Me’ time.

Posted in Uncategorized

The joys of pregnancy .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

I can’t believe I’m 34 weeks tomorrow .. It has gone so quick when I think about it but certainly not too quick.

Third trimester sickness is here , I was actually sick on myself whilst driving on Thursday. Then again when I had to pull over at the side of the road, at the same time being sick I genuinely wondered if my waters went. Other half confirmed it may just have been urine (gross) and I accepted that I’ve just become incontinent at this late stage of pregnancy. How attractive !! I kept an eye on it yesterday and I had noticed it feeling quite wet. Today I mentioned it to a couple of people and they suggested it is best to get checked out. I had an afternoon sleep and then monitored movements when I woke. She wasn’t as active as she has been so this made me more concerned and so I gave triage a call.

We are so lucky with our national health service, not made to feel unwelcome at all. They encourage women to go when they are concerned about anything! Very reassuring. 

Everything was completely fine, looks like little miss has moved and she is even more back to back now so maybe the reason for lack of movements. Waters haven’t gone but just normal pregnancy discharge was the culprit. Oh these joys!

The boy just cooked a prawn stir fry. It was spicy. Usually I can handle spice more than him but my mouth is on fire! It was nice though, baby is moving crazy now. Typical.

We have a christening tomorrow, I have a maternity dress to wear and I’m actually going to do my hair and make up. A complete rarity these days. I’m actually excited ! Xx

Posted in Diet, exercise, Running, training

Easing myself in .. 

Posted on by KerryLouise

Tuesday, Wednesday AND Thursday this week I ran for an average of 20 minutes. Well I say ran, it wasn’t a full 20 min run, it was 1 min running, 1 min fast walking. Like my app told me. It did something though I could feel it the next day, just goes to show how out of it I am at the moment. 

Today the app told me to brisk walk 1.6km, i smashed that due to a leafleting job I was on. I can’t believe how many hills I had to climb either. In total I covered a 12km distance and fully deserved my tea of chicken and rice. 

I’m trying to fight the urge to not go to the shop. My craving for Dr Pepper is insane right now. I can’t wait for these cravings to stop. Sunday I am leafleting again so it justifies the fact I cannot get to the gym all weekend. Next week diet must be better!!

  

Posted in Uncategorized

My jeans don’t fit !! 😩

Posted on by KerryLouise

I knew I had caused SOME damage but pulling up my size 10 high waisted jeans, today showed me exactly how much damage! I couldn’t do them up!

Has that stopped me eating?! Nope!! I have been worse today than yesterday!! Worse today than Saturday even. Feeling pretty miserable about it. I can’t have my jeans not fitting me!

I did complete my first run this morning. It wasn’t far but it was what the Nike+ app had instructed me to do for my training plan. It went better than expected but as I assumed a lot of work needed. Writing today off and tomorrow is a new day. Goodbye Sugar you evil substance!!!

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