Tag: life

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Saturday night blues…

Posted on by KerryLouise

imageI know partying, drinking and going out isn’t the be all and end all but when your close to 30 weeks pregnant and only have the hamster and a tub of haagen daaz for company you can’t help feeling a little sorry for yourself.

Yesterday I wrote how I woke in a mood, the bad mood pretty much continued. Well I say bad mood I wasn’t rude to people I just could not be bothered to be at work. I was planning on going on maternity leave ASAP, went home early and had a cry to myself about how the battle with the stairs was causing such a great discomfort. Like seriously this time last year I was going to Ibiza in 5 days!! I was fit, regularly going to the gym and I certainly wouldn’t have got out of breath walking to the toilet. The boyfriend made me feel better last night and gave me a massage. Restless leg syndrome is at its peak! He realised his mistake from the night before but hey he always bloody does, doesn’t mean he learns from them though!! He went to London late last night to see his mum and sister, I must admit I do enjoy the bed to myself. Just turning is like a military operation these days and Dominic does like to get super close to me. Far too hot for that!! So needless to say after a pretty rubbish day, tears and genuinely questioning how I’m going to cope another 10 weeks I had a pretty good nights sleep.

I woke up feeling much better, worked with my sister and we had our usual laughs and jokes and I didn’t find myself in half as much pain as yesterday. I even felt ok finishing work and just thinking.. I can’t wait to get on my sofa. Its a strange feeling though when you are physically tired but mentally you could still just go out and party the night away. I have friends out who have both text saying they wish I was there. Half of me thought about just getting dressed up a little and going to the gig, but then I remind myself of the breathlessness, the music that I’ve had to just get super drunk for in the past, the very crowded pub and I decided I am better off on this sofa.

 

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And then the princess told the prince ..

Posted on by KerryLouise

imageI woke up feeling really down, I know why and there is only one explanation. Him. I was adamant that this blog wasn’t going to be about my failing relationship but only the positive parts of my life. I came to the conclusion that I don’t need him anyway, if he steps up then great if he doesn’t then I’ll be ok. It’s his loss. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel let down when he does something to make me feel this way though. I get sucked in by him so easily, I guess that’s love…. or just plain stupidity.

When I’m feeling happy the pregnancy feels like it is going so quick, when I am low I just want her here so I can stop feeling so vulnerable and not like myself. Having a relationship isn’t the be all and end all but when you are pregnant and not feeling exactly very confident it is kind of important to have a man by your side. I guess that’s why I forgive so easy, that 30% of the time he has interest is enough to make me feel happy for a while and it helps. But is it worth the disappointment? I don’t get myself in such a state anymore, that I realised just isn’t worth it but it doesn’t mean I don’t get that gut anxious feeling. Just how can he do this? He’s a very very selfish human being there is no two ways about it, it’ll be him who’s crying when I finally leave and he can watch me happy.

Anyway I must not let this ruin my day. Life is too short and I have to stay strong for my two girls.

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More in love than ever..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Today was the day of our 4D scan and omg it was amazing. It still seems so crazy that there is a little baby growing inside of me, but there definitely is. We saw her today like clear as anything. Baby girl began the session by holding her foot in front of her face, she was hiding her face. It was cute but frustrating when all we wanted was a picture of her little face. The lady was so lovely though and told me to have a hot drink and go for a walk and try get her to move. She moved slightly so we got some good pictures. Chubby faced little thing, so in love, I just can’t wait for her to be here now. You could even see different facial expressions she was pulling, it’s just crazy. I am so glad we decided to go for a private scan, it was well worth it.

Pretty tired today, that’s even with an afternoon sleep of well over an hour. When I’m too tired to rant about politics then you know I actually mean… I’m bloody tired lol. Acid reflux hasn’t been my friend today but I’ve had white bread which I always notice that can make it quite bad. 30 weeks on sunday and I fancy continuing this semi-ok pregnancy for the remainder. I think weight is a big issue so a little bit of damage control wouldn’t go a miss in the countdown to my due date.

Nearly 11pm and I must get some shut eye… actually working tomorrow. I’ll go to bed after these penalties. Come on Poland! 😉

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How do people not work?

Posted on by KerryLouise

It’s a genuine question. I only work part time and I am already  feeling deflated and fed up by this since I finished university less than a month ago. If I wasn’t pregnant things would have been different now, I planned to use my qualification and forward my career pretty much as soon as I had graduated. I had the idea of applying to becoming a probation officer with intakes beginning in October and applications accepted from April, but life has a funny way of taking you off track. That doesn’t mean of course that it wasn’t meant to work out this way and I am a strong believer that everything does happen for a reason. My plans now are to study a masters in September, I have the opportunity to do this since I have the time and the funding is now available through student fiance so now is as good a time as any. Quite perfect timing if I say so myself. I knew I wanted another baby and I was really broody at times when the man was in prison (that’s for another day) so at least I can do the baby thing and then do the career thing. Perfect.

Now don’t get me wrong I do love people, the industry I work in I meet so many great people. All like-minded, all creative, interesting, funny, mostly smart and genuinely just fun to be around but I do get very bored doing it too. It doesn’t stimulate my brain the way I need it too and I guess that’s why its worked so well alongside studies. What do I do? Well without going into too much detail, since June 2013 I have worked in the promotions industry. I had a successful time within the leisure industry as a membership sales consultant starting from 2010. I won a trip to Las Vegas plus many other incentives and bonus’s, not to mention met my best friend and many other good friends within this company. Made a big mistake when I was headhunted into a recruitment company, basic was higher, earning potential was greater, mon – fri, just like I thought I wanted. BUT culture shock or what? Spent my weekends dredding monday. Spent the days just dredding each hour. Hated every single minute. The company left me feeling depressed. Thought it was me? I left on mutual terms, kinda, and looking back they belittled me made me feel worthless and unhappy and a complete failure. My boss, was like a jumped up devil spawned female, granted she was turning over thousands each year, but I was smarter than that. Smarter than just looking at her figures but more at how she got there. She got lucky! All there was too it, and I was meant to look up to her? No chance. She couldn’t sell ice to the eskimos, or whatever that saying is. I would try and learn from her, her crap ‘sales’ calls that ended her getting flustered and just angry if something didn’t go her way. No one liked her. The office had a HORRIBLE presence constantly and I dare not breathe out of line in case we woke the beast. Felt like I was at school. I wasn’t depressed, I just was not happy in that environment. I was not me. Always crying. I had never hated Sundays more than I did during the time at this place. It’s mad how a company can completely change you as a person, change your outlook on life and completely eat into you so much that you don’t even know who you are anymore. Anyway that ended, and it wasn’t long until I joined a new company. Much more me it was full of young people. The culture was similar to what I was used to and I enjoyed going to work. Everything was going in the right direction. Then randomly one friday BAM, I was made redundant. It still to this day, makes no sense at all but then it isn’t something that I am that bothered about. I was just angry with them, they should never have hired me in the first place if they had an inkling the business wasn’t growing the way they wanted it too OR if that wasn’t the case then at least be honest with me. Again I found myself career less with no real idea what I wanted to do. Recruitment wasn’t for me though, I knew for sure I did not want to go back into that. My CV went live again and you only have to look around and see exactly how many recruitment jobs there are to know that it’s hardly a sought after position. Certainly shows a high level of turnover and that isn’t something I want. How can a person be so disposable?! It was then I decided I would go back to Uni, I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do but it would come to me. It took a year but the decision was made and now I’m here. I’ll talk of how I came to my decision another day it’s far too long for now and I don’t want to go on too much tonight. Tiring stuff this blogging.

Anyway focus, I’ll be giving up work soon. I do still have an independent project to write and I also have a learning skills course to complete for a volunteer role I have been accepted on to, so at least this does give me something to do other than a couple of days promoting random shit each week.

4D scan tomorrow and I am so excited. I cannot wait to see how my baby looks. I’ll make sure I post a picture, hopefully she doesn’t hide and play games. EEEEK exciting!

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Day 1 and the Saturday night torture…

Posted on by KerryLouise

Its 10:50pm I havent even opened my text book to revise. What is wrong with me? Instead I feel the need to wallow in my own self pity and look at old instagram pictures of when my life looked fun and I was happy going out partying knowing I would see my man at the end of the night. Big sighs! I’ve been on POF tonight, great. What a disaster that was previously in my life, not quite sure what I thought I would get out of it. I even had the urge to just text that guy from last week something forward and enticing but what the hell is that going to prove? My urge to just have random sex with a random man has now gone and I now have Cher singing to me and that empty lonely feeling. The summer is coming, my exams will be over and there is no way I will be staying in like this every weekend. I am sure it will get me in to trouble but I can’t just waste my life like this. I need to laugh. I need to feel good about myself and socialise with people this is just depressing!

Anyway …

Day 1 has gone well 1,177 calories.

Breakfast – mixed grain crispbreads (bit random but was all I could find)

Lunch – Subway, turkey breast and ham on honey oat week

Dinner – Chicken and rice

Snacks – Salt & vinegar crinkly cheddars (my fave)

I walked 8,383 steps with no exercise. Tomorrow I will be going to the gym and doing an 8k training programme.

I will be looking fab for summer and be out ALOT!!! Why should my life stop because he got himself locked up?!

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Said no to a spoon..

Posted on by KerryLouise

Last night I did. After my post about how sexually frustrated I was. I still managed to say no. To be honest I didn’t find it difficult, I liked the attention yes, and the fact that once again a male has come crawling back but it was easy to say no. He didn’t even take no as a first answer either, tried it a couple of times. I had flash backs of our past together, it was fun, we had good sex but it still was no where near enough to warrant breaking my pride and giving him any kind of satisfaction.

Me and him met last June, I was in the the prime of my wildest time after the heartbreak of the year from D (That’s a whole other story). We met through mutual friends at a pub, it was a sunday, about lunchtime, the whole gang were complaining of a hang over and figured tequilas was the answer. It was pure banter. We had both met our match. Sex wasn’t taken seriously as we laughed about ‘last nights conquest’ , who I had actually cried to about D but I wasn’t to mention that. This was a different me, the me who didn’t care about being single and not having no one real. Knowing that the night before man, only asked for my number to be courteous, it was never going to be anything more. Tequila was younger than me, about 6 years younger, he was good looking, short, but good looking and I could tell he would love to add me to his ‘list’. The drinks were flowing, no one had work the next day and the world was our oyster. Birmingham we chose, lets go to Birmingham. It was so random, and so much fun. A foursome that just had no care in the world. He had a girlfriend, that didn’t bother me, he wasn’t my type, just a bit of fun. He clearly cheated on her all the time anyway and it wasn’t like I was about to break up a happy home. The train ride home the next day, the laughs continued and I actually loved the laughter we shared. Laughter is contagious. I love to laugh. I wasn’t expecting him to take my number, I still loved D and at least wanted my next man to be like D. Not short, pale, and young. But I gave him my number all the same. We kept meeting for mid week drinks, getting parra and ending up in bed together. It became addictive. We wouldn’t be seen in public together, not as a couple anyway. It be pub, drinks, banter and bed. We then began to hang out with no alcohol, films and sleepovers, more laughter but it became every evening. What was happening here?! One thing was sure I had completely forgotten about D. We had a drunken conversation in where he wanted me to stop dating and he promised to end it with his girlfriend, which he did yet we still never made it official. She was a fool anyway, baffles me how she forgave him constantly, she saw him leave a pub with me and still he woke up to texts apoligising for ‘accusing’ him of cheating. Madness! I also had two girls, very young girls who felt the need to warn me in the toilets what he was about. I was fine. He wouldn’t get to me like that at all. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I didn’t want him as my boyfriend. It was just harmless fun right?! Weeks went on and we grew closer. He then admitted to me there was ANOTHER girl, a friend’s ex and he was worried about the consequences. He made a drunken mistake a night where his battery died, I had seen him earlier on in the evening and by this time all his friends knew about us and we would kiss openly in the pub. Yet this particular night I went home drunk and didn’t quite make it into town. I admitted it had upset me but I wasn’t his girlfriend it didn’t matter to me, it was fine. It then all changed, he went distant, I was losing him. Losing my friend, losing the person who had made me feel so much better the last few weeks. I generally missed him, the laughter, the sense of humor we shared. A simple word would have us both in fits of laughter with no idea why. We had a talk about where it was going and we both decided to chill out for a bit although he genuinely acted like it wasn’t really want he wanted. It then became clear, the girlfriend. She had taken him back. I wasn’t sure who was more the fool him, her or me?! I was gutted, it hurt, why was I once again not good enough to be someone’s girlfriend? Did the last 2 months count for nothing? I had to find all this out via facebook, he did not even have the decency to tell me to my face. Coward. He told me it was for the best. He needed to calm down and she was the one to do it. He told me I deserved someone older, someone who could look after me properly. The cop-out way, laughable especially as my current man is even younger than him. He promised me he had changed and he was to stay faithful to his girl, how she knew all about me and forgave him. Well thats fine, keep playing your happy families, you will cheat again and you both won’t definitely last.

It didn’t take me long to get over him, about 2 weeks to be precise. I just missed him, and us but I wasn’t hurt in a heartbroken sense. D had done enough of that to last me a lifetime. Just missed HIM. Few months went past, I continued my wildness and it didn’t take long to get my revenge, a few cheeky snapchats one monday evening and him and his friend ended up at mine drinking, listening to music and the inevitable happened. Yep you’ve really changed. Once a cheat always a cheat. For me it was an ‘I told you so’ bang. I won. I won again about a month after too but I wasn’t to let myself get caught up like that again. His 1 year anniversary status on facebook made me laugh. More fool her. More fool him.

Now the current day, they have ended again and he’s back to being a Gaz from Geordie Shore. And he expected me to say yes to a spoon ?

Hell no!

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No new mail..

Posted on by KerryLouise

I guess having a man in jail can be sometimes no different to having a man out here. They still find a way to leave you feeling disappointed and alone, granted it is different now. It isn’t so easy to pick up the phone or send a text and there are barriers in the way when it comes to communication. However I was expecting a letter today, beings he hasn’t called and it has now become clear he won’t being calling until credit day, he could have wrote and explained this in a letter to me. Maybe I am being a little premature, if he wrote on friday, 2nd class stamp, then depending on the screws it should be here today. Failing that we shall hold hope for tomorrow. The birthday card I was so looking forward too, the card where he was told he could bring in on a visit then told no should hopefully be on its way to me to. The scrambling of the keys to get inside my flat front door, the flustering before I even put my bags down I take a look at the space where a letter would be. Nothing. My heart sinks. It reminds me of the times my battery phone would go dead, the franticness of charging your phone to see if he had text. He being who ever it was at the time. I don’t miss that either. I really don’t.

I have so much going on in my life, the new business, university, work, sorting my self out. No one could ever accuse me of not being independent, or not being able to cope on my own. I 100% can, and I 100% will. I love him and this is what women do for the man they love. It doesn’t stop me thinking about sex though, the crave gets so bad. I drift of into daydreams about our first time again. Imagine him touching my naked skin as he looks at me with those hungry eyes. I imagine how I will look for him in an underwear set to make it real special. He can melt me in one with that look, the look that tells me he needs me now. The look that fills me with love and lust. Obviously it is him I long for, him I am waiting for but going without does weird things to a woman. Every man becomes a target, if I day dream too long I think about what it would be like, what would they look like naked. 9 times out of 10 I shudder with disgust and then the mind goes back onto him. I can still picture him naked, smile at how quickly I could make him hard, feel warm when I remember his words in patois telling me how much he loved me. I miss him so much, no other man would be the same… would it?!

Posted in prison

Why has he not called?

Posted on by KerryLouise

The title of the post would have been for very different reasons this time last year. This year I’m wondering what the hell has happened since Friday when my inmate would have got his phone credit, not a peep out of him. Not seeing him is one thing, but not having a phone call makes it even harder. Last week we spoke every day, the lack of contact this weekend has been painful and has made it all the more real once again. I can only assume that now with it being Monday afternoon is that he did not order his phone credit correctly, or the screws inside have messed up. I do so hope he hasn’t just been stupid and used all the phone credit on someone not worthy like his father or brother and there has been me suffering. Well I guess I wont know until a letter comes through or until Friday when credit gets applied again. Its the not knowing that makes it unbearable. I found a letter among all my bills I fail to open this morning, it must have came through my door the end of last week. It helped me this morning, fate wanted me to find it today.

This weekend had left me feeling angry again. I’m paying for his mistakes. Yes it’s only a year, but it’s a year I am missing out on too. Memories being made, moments being shared, the intimacy I am missing out on. I love my visits don’t get me wrong. Looking into his eyes and hearing him tell me how beautiful I am looking, getting excited about the time we finally get to be together properly and the endless amounts of love he puts into his letters. BUT there are days that I just cannot deal with it, it isn’t a normal life to lead.

My male friend is on the dating scene, it reminds me of how life was before. He has just met a girl after a week of good talking, he had those high hopes, he met her yesterday and he left feeling positive. Today she has ignored his texts meanwhile whilst he was meeting her he had another girl who was in to him hanging on to his messages and probably feeling the ‘why hasn’t he called me’ syndrome. It is just one viscous circle. I’m now sat here on a monday evening, no daughter and the loneliness does echo, that pain is prominent, a comment made to me earlier regarding a neighbour and ‘oh we havent seen him for a while’ is playing heavily on my mind. However is it any different to the days I was seeing multiple different men, some acting more interested than others, some appearing every so often then disappearing. Still feeling very very low because I was not wanted properly by any of them. Not forgetting the time with the man I fell stupidly in love with and knowing I had completely lost him and was losing him when the evenings went by with no phone call and an unreplied text. He was the biggest game player of all. Then this time last year I had just gone through an abortion after another failed relationship with a man who never even had the decency to ask if I was ok. We may be apart but he loves me “as long as I’m alive I will never let you go” he writes ..and that makes up for all this sadness.

I would rather be in love and have a man in jail then be a victim of the dating roundabout.

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Focus on yourself… because who else will?

Posted on by KerryLouise

I haven’t wrote for a while. I need too. He’s now been gone 82 days, 268 left before tag IF he is a good boy. IF being the big question on my mind since Sunday anyway. Had an amazing time in Ibiza, which I must admit seems like ages ago now and has gone quick but more recently again it feels so heavy. Something I struggle to carry around. I am still at university which is going well, very demanding hence the lack of posts but well and I have also got a new car. He has since moved 3 times, which caused more stress but now he seems to be settled in this one place. Week ago last Saturday I went to visit him and I left feeling like I miss him more than ever, we are so in love. If your love is real and you are put in a situation similar to this then the love just grows .. daily. It grows daily. The urge for each other, the desire to just have him touch me, the need to hear his voice and the anger at what has happened. Strong emotions can only make stronger feelings right? Even though I knew I was seeing him the following weekend I still felt this dull ache in my heart. In fact it goes deeper than that. Something just doesn’t feel right. I have it now. I have it all the time. It didn’t help last week that I still had had no phone call in nearly 3 weeks due to the money not reaching his canteen quick enough. I had received 2 letters though however instead of making me feel warm and happy they made me feel angry and lost. Sometimes I don’t think it is so much the content of the letter but the state of mind that they are read in. He called me Friday , I also got a letter Friday which did make me feel better and I saw him on Sunday. Well that visit left me feeling anxious, angry and hurt, needed just 15 minutes more with him. It didn’t end well. We didn’t kiss so much as we had done before and I certainly did not feel as in love as I had the previous week. I now fear so much, if he jeopardizes ANYTHING by being stupid in there and therefore does anything to stop them giving him tag I will leave him. I will. I cannot mother him through this anymore, he talks stupid, surely he isn’t really that thick right?? I sent him an email Sunday night, I couldn’t be direct in fear the screws would read it then it would be closed visits and tighter security but I needed to somehow get through to him that even selling a bit of burn on inside is STILL a criminal offence and WILL NOT be seen lightly by probation. I did ask him in the email to call me earlier than planned and he hasn’t , our original agreement was a call today and so if he doesn’t call today I know something is up. I am going to go and see him again on Saturday, I decided this yesterday. I cannot bear to sit on this over another week and its my birthday a week today. In my eyes if he gets involved with any fuckery inside there that is being disloyal. Disloyal to me and it is no different to me doing something out here that could have detriment effect on our relationship. This boy needs to be told, and it doesn’t scare me to potentially be single again. Does not scare me at all.

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Learn from your mistakes…

Posted on by KerryLouise

I did it… I made a mistake. The alcohol got the better of me and all the bad thoughts I have been thinking of this week made me crazy. I felt sick this morning, so angry with myself. Why? What the hell went through my head. I made a decision and I made the wrong one. I knew I shouldn’t have drank. Wish I could re-wind time. I messed up. Ruined it all. I wanted to tell him, thinking he would understand. I know I couldn’t tell him because it would kill him. I’ve been so lonely, scared of the amount of time apart, scared of what could happen when he does come out. Scared, angry, lonely and all I want to scream at him is ‘this is all your fault.’ He is selfish, selfish for ending up in there and it effecting me too. I did not ask for this. I am the innocent one here yet it is a punishment that does affect the innocent too.

On reflection I calmed down. It isn’t something I can change, and me and my ‘friend’ will continue as normal like nothing happened.  I think sometimes we have to make such mistakes to remind ourselves how it makes us feel. I don’t want anyone else, I want him… and he’s not here.  If everything was perfect, it would never have happened. If he had treated me continually with respect, if we had never fought where we bruised each other, if he hadn’t of disrespected me with other girls it would be different. The fact he received oral sex from another girl at the start of our relationship still plays on my mind alot. The conversations he had with other girls previously that I saw all over his phone literally killed me. I gave him a second chance yes but it still happened. I had been nothing but loyal. It even hurts to know he had one night stand the night after he met me and it was that girl he went back to whilst we were ‘happy’. He held his hands up and told me it went no further than oral because I came into his head. I threatened to ask the girl the truth and he swore down that was the case. In reality I don’t know this but I believed him.  I think about how things would be if it was me in there. If he was the one who was free to make choices on the outside. Would I trust him?! Would I hell as like trust him. Given half the chance and if there was a half decent female screw, I think he would even do that. His sex drive is far too high to turn anyone down and go 12 months without sex. For me it isn’t the sex that’s the easy bit to turn down. It’s being touched. Feeling a body next to mine. Feeling a mans touch on my bare skin.  Last night showed me more so that no one elses touch would be like his. No other man would compare with the way he is, the way he looks. To me he is the most beautiful man in the world and I wish he was here. I wish so very much he was here.

I am not condoning what I have done at all, it was wrong we should never have kissed but I am not going to let it eat me up enough so I feel like I am not a good person. I am a good person, I just make the wrong choices some times. On Wednesday when I go to see him I will put it out there that if he EVER disrespects me or if he continues to behave like he was in my previous post then I will be gone. I just cannot continue the same life we had previously. He needs to grow up. He needs to be a man. I have a lot of thinking to do as well, will I go 12 months without sex? Will I get weaker? I need to not drink and not put myself in a situation where sex could be possible. I just hate all this!!!