My heart behind bars…

The phone just kept ringing, well that was when I actually managed to get through. The engaged tone was constant and the phone just screamed call failed. 100 attempts and I was starting to think ‘how much, can I really cope with?’ , ‘is this going to be my life moving forward?’ … My brain was pre-writing the email I was going to send, how I would complain that I did not have the time for such a chore just to be able to see my boyfriend. How I had lots of University work to do now, and how once again ‘Life really just isn’t fair’. Then the woman answered… a huge sigh of relief. Its funny how instantly your mood can change, I no longer wanted to scream or shout I just wanted an appointment. A booking visit to see my boyfriend…


… yep he’s in prison… 

I often wonder how the hell this has happened to me? A law graduate with 4 years service under her belt as a special constable, a law abiding citizen who doesn’t even have any points on her driving licence and someone who was once so anti-drugs I just could not condone any contact with them at all. Now don’t get me wrong I am not completely innocent, I have debt that I just don’t really care about, more notches on my bedpost than I have cooked hot dinners and my lifestyle has sparked a few interests from gossips in the past. 

 Here I will reveal all, my past, the present and my future will develop under this blogs very eyes. I often joke about how my life could be a best seller, now when I look back I think why the hell did I think my life was so interesting. It is nothing compared to what I am currently dealing with. NOTHING.

I have always loved to write, I even started another blog a couple of years ago and I have a written journal I started earlier on in this year too. Both I failed to keep up, this though, this will be different. I will also pull extracts from my previous entries because the thoughts and feelings I wrote at that time was just madness.

I am 28 I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship who I love more than anything. I am honest with myself and real, I am more maternal now than when she was smaller but that is something I can talk about at a later stage. I don’t have a career, I have had many different jobs since I graduated from university 7 years ago, but nothing that has felt like I wanted for the rest of my life.

April of this year was a life changing month for me, not only did I decide that I wanted to get back to uni but my boyfriend of just 4 months was arrested and subsequently charged with the supply of a Class A drug. I still remember that week like it was yesterday, I was on jury service at the Crown Court surrounded by other members of the community. I had made my decision that law was wear my heart lied and I would go back to university and do whatever I had to do to become a barrister. Little did they all know I had had my home raided that morning and my boyfriend arrested in my bedroom and taken away in a police car. Jury service had ended yet I still found myself in court, it all felt so surreal. This time being completely effected by whatever decision was made. The tears just would not stop as I saw my boyfriend in the dock behind glass and hearing his solicitor talk of the possibility of 2-3 years in jail. His solicitor requested he got bail so he could say ‘goodbye’, I could not believe the words I was hearing. The magistrates broke to discuss whether bail would be granted. I was finally able to speak to him after over 24 hours and we kissed through a gap in the glass. ‘Please do not keep my baby’ my head was pleading, my whole body shaking, just wishing we could rewind and I knew he wouldn’t do no wrong. The magistrates came back and I am sure I stopped breathing for the few seconds it took them to say ‘You are free to go’, bail had been granted. A huge sigh of relief and I was anxious to just get to him as soon as I could. ‘You are free to go’…. just so so surreal.


fter 3 and half months on bail, just a little more than the original 20 days that we thought it would be he finally got sentenced. I will talk more of this time later. The judge spoke. 3 years just seemed to keep echoing in my head, 3 YEARS!! How did the judge come to this decision? We had not prepared ourselves for that long. I wanted to crumble on the floor as soon as I left the court, I saw no way out. My heart had sank so far it may as well had stopped beating. He was gone, just like that. Taken from me for at least a year and a half. I questioned myself ‘what do I do now?’ ‘How will I cope?’ .. I had lost a part of me. I had to keep going it was my daughters 6th birthday, it is just something you have to deal with.

It will be 3 weeks on friday, he managed to call me on Monday. He had moved, he told me of a visiting order that has been raised, he also told me there was a letter in the post where he has mentioned my upcoming holiday to Ibiza. This morning I had received that letter, this evening I have booked in to see him using that VO. I am sure when the letters, phone calls and visits become more frequent it will be something I will be able to deal with alot easier.

I am now back at uni, it is just 1 day a week on a part time basis. It will be challenging but that is something I am not shy of. This week and next I have 2 days a week to attend, and I already have reading to do for lecture preparation.

My evenings since he has gone have consisted of a few tears, restless nights and of course my daily email that I am fortunate enough to be able to send to him. It really has been a life saver in helping me come to terms with the fact the love of my life has been taken away from me. I still get to communicate with him.

There is so much more I could write about on this first post, but when your head feels so cloudy it hurts and you are conscious of some uni reading that needs to be done for the next day I feel here is a point to end it.

One thing I feel I should point out is.. ‘I LOVE HIM’… I will stand by him and I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason and this horrible journey we are both on at this moment will END! It will!! And then we can live a very happy life being more (if that is possible) in love than we already are….



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